To think the way some birth mothers are treat is appalling

[SpringHasSprung20]

A decade ago when I was still in my teens I had a baby removed from me at birth by social services and put up for adoption against my will.

It wasn't me who was the risk, I was being abused by the father and fought so hard to get away, have him prosecuted and keep my baby. I've posted about my story before.

Fast forward to now I'm approaching 30. I have a family and I'm living on the other side of the country with two subsequent children in my care full time with no SS involvement. I have a good life and haven't spoken to the abusive ex since I left him. I'm a different person. A strong person.

SS never allowed to meet the adoptive parents because I was opposing the adoption.

Do you know what contact I have with my son? One letter per year, due every April but it's usually always months late.

All of my letters are inspected by an adoption social work team before they'll be passed on to the adoptive parents/my son. Protocol. Most years they are sent back to me to edit out parts where I've told him I love him or miss him. I'm not allowed to say that, it's too emotional apparently.

I'm not daft, I know it's not in his best interests for me to be emotional in letters so I never am - but I do want him to know he's loved.

They are pedantic beyond comprehension. One year I had a letter telling me he was doing well in school, in my reply I said I was proud and he's such a clever boy. They sent my letter back and made me change "you are so clever" to "you sound clever"

I've had to plead with the adoption team for years to ask the family if I can have a photo, after 8 years of the adoption team saying "we don't let birth parents have photos" a kind contact coordinator finally agreed to ask the family for me.

The family took a while to decide but agreed I could see a photo. I can't keep it though.

I have to liase with an adoption team in my area and ask that the photo be sent to them so I can go into the office and look at it on a computer screen. Once. That won't happen this year because of covid so I have another year to wait before I can even catch a glimpse of my little boy. I have no idea what he looks like other than the sweet 6 month old face I have in a photo album, taken at our "goodbye contact"

I'm not allowed to send birthday cards or presents because it's a pain for the adoption agency to facilitate.

I have a box here that I save his cards in every year but that's not the point really is it? Imagine being a child and never getting a birthday card from your mum.

I'm not allowed to tell him about his siblings in letters. I talk to them about him all of the time but they must be kept secret.

All of the above is wrapped up as being in his best interests of course, but is it really?

I don't think he'll feel that way later on.

If you were adopted wouldn't you want to know that your 'birth' mother loved you? Would you be happy to only hear from her once a year?

I'm not a criminal and I've never hurt a child or been accused of it. I'm a good person and a good mother. I have the backing of SS here completely, after I approached them when I moved here. The senior manager raised her own concerns about how I was treat by that local authority and couldn't believe the way they work.

AIBU to think the way some birth mothers are treat is appalling? I'm not referring to abusive people or people who neglect their children, but people like me and others who were let down terribly.

I cannot move past the injustice of it all.

Removal of a child for domestic violence is perhaps the most controversial category as the mother is essentially a victim herself. She can be a perfectly capable parent, but if the court finds the circumstances are as such that the mother can not protect the child, then the child will be removed.

Removal of a child at birth is the most extreme option and there must have been some compelling reason to do so. The social worker doesn’t decide to remove, they make a report and a recommendation but the parents have their own legal representation and a guardian acts for the child so there is another set of legal representatives to challenge SS. The judge then decides. There are many, many headings and basically a trial at the end if matters are contested. It isn’t just waved through.

Whilst I don’t doubt the OP’s narrative or that she firmly believes this is an injustice, there is more to it that than is disclosed. Not to doubt her veracity but the entirety of lengthy court proceedings cannot be represented in a few posts. The parents’ view of proceedings is inherently prejudiced by their own position. A lack of insight is one of the red flags for all parties when considering those issues in family court and sadly I don’t see any insight from the OP, just that it was unfair. No explanation of the reasons the child was actually removed, just the aspects that are not fair. As other posters have gently noted, the desire for increased contact doesn’t seem to consider the feelings of the child in all this. The only perspective is that they might miss their birth mum and siblings, no real objective insight that increased contact will invariably be unsettling for the child who is with the only family he has ever known.

For whatever reason, not only social services but ultimately the judge felt the OP couldn’t keep the baby safe. We don’t know the exact details of the reasons for this. The fact that her life has changed and she can keep other children with a different partner safe, doesn’t necessarily mean the first child could have been kept safe. The court could have been wrong, that’s true, this type of judgment is never infallible.

For every clear cut removal case, there will be those at the margins and I honestly believe the system can be very unfair for the marginal cases.

I feel for you so much op & i think that mothers that are abused by their partners don't get any or enough help to leave and i really think you should persue this legally as you have been wronged in very horrific way. They shouldn't have put you off moving. You've come a long way and should be very proud of the mother you are now

But for your own mental wellbeing your focus needs to be on the family you have now. Try to be at peace with the fact your son will be in a loving home where he now has a mother. However much this hurts you can know that he is well taken care of and in the future when he is 18 you or him may seek to meet eachother. Until that day be rest assured you have tried your very best to have done what you can even if that is only letter box contact.

@SomersetHamlyn thank you and sorry for your experience

@OVienna This is different from focusing on a relationship with the child as the vehicle for her healing I think you are extrapolating or projecting something which isn't here to be honest, the OP hasn't indicated this. it's that bit that people are telling her she won't get very far with legally she said herself she didn't see any legal recourse would be useful. OP said that in one of her posts. Though a poster has suggested that she tries to pursue things upwards within the LA in relation to their letterbox practice which I agree with, as it seems that they aren't following best practice.

[quote itdepends]**@OVienna* This is different from focusing on a relationship with the child as the vehicle for her healing I think you are extrapolating or projecting something which isn't here to be honest, the OP hasn't indicated this. it's that bit that people are telling her she won't get very far with legally* she said herself she didn't see any legal recourse would be useful. OP said that in one of her posts. Though a poster has suggested that she tries to pursue things upwards within the LA in relation to their letterbox practice which I agree with, as it seems that they aren't following best practice.[/quote]
I disagree I am extrapolating.

Card from 'his mum' is in the opening posts and there are other bits throughout the thread. It's there.

*sorry I meant "OP said that she didn't think that legal recourse would be helpful" not "she said herself she didn't see any legal recourse would be useful. OP said that in one of her posts"

[quote itdepends]**@OVienna* This is different from focusing on a relationship with the child as the vehicle for her healing I think you are extrapolating or projecting something which isn't here to be honest, the OP hasn't indicated this. it's that bit that people are telling her she won't get very far with legally* she said herself she didn't see any legal recourse would be useful. OP said that in one of her posts. Though a poster has suggested that she tries to pursue things upwards within the LA in relation to their letterbox practice which I agree with, as it seems that they aren't following best practice.[/quote]
There are a lot of hints in the OPs posts
that this is the case.
Things like talking about a card from his “mum”, suggesting he may be an only child who is missing out as he has siblings, and also the idea that he will look at a social services file and feel angry.

The truth is that when you meet a birth parent as an adult - you are a fully formed adult. You have a personality some of which your BF may not like, you may have opposing views on certain things. That’s if it even happens.

It takes a lot of mental strength I would imagine for a BM to be able to deal with that maturely.

I work with women and children who have escaped DV and have seen children removed both as older children and at birth. A few points I have experienced:

1. SS can be really dire and they can be really good. Some social workers are better than others, some have biases towards certain issues or particular groups. They are very time and budget constrained, they cannot form individualised escape plans based on preferences (such as the OPs wish to be relocated in London).

1. It is the courts decision to subject a child to a care plan, the judge must look at the whole picture and often they go against what a SW has said (and even critisize their findings).

1. Children who are removed at birth (in the case of DV) are done so due to the perceived high levels of potential harm that could occur post birth. It is a mother's duty to show that she is making full efforts to sever the relationship between her and her abusive partner in order to safeguard her baby. It is very, very common for women to still maintain contact with abusive partners (and resume the relationship) so from what OP has said I assume this was the fear of the court in her case). If she is an adult, SS and the court expect her to be able to do this herself, with perhaps some help from DV services.

1. Birth mothers very rarely admit to having issues, as to do this would be to admit to them failing to be adequate parents (this threshold is very, very low BTW). When a child is removed it is common for women to start social media/word of mouth campaigns about how their child was snatched/forcefully adopted and social services are looking for X amount of blonde haired newborns to meet their targets.

SS can and do make mistakes, and it is a very sad situation, but generally speaking it takes an awful lot and far too long to remove a child alone, that is even before the freeing for adoption case is even thought about.

Card from 'his mum' is in the opening posts and there are other bits throughout the thread. It's there she has said that the adoptive parents also refer to as other "mummy" though, incidentally, and that in addition to saying this she has said very clearly that she does not want to disrupt the adoption or unsettle her ds.

I also think that those focusing on the magic age of 18 aren’t helping.

It’s a pretty difficult process to go through. One that, IMO not many 18 year olds are well equipped to cope with. Throw in that it’s likely the time they are doing A-levels, finding out who they are, off to uni etc - and I personally think it’s potentially one of the worst times to try and initiate contact.

Hmmm. It’s tricky not having all the facts about your ‘abusive relationship’ but clearly your son was thought to be at considerable risk from your involvement with this man, so much so that he was removed. I very much doubt that was a decision taken lightly. You may have turned your life around now but your son couldn’t be left in a vulnerable situation while you got yourself and your priorities together

@Bainne I think bio parent's rights should extend to a child being returned to their parent at a later date. Barring there having been violence from a particular parent themselves. Ethically, their rights extend to that in my opinion

Children are people in their own right, who over time grow and develop attachments in the environments they find themselves in.

They are not vehicles for discharging either birth parents or adoptive parents “rights” to anything. They are not tools to be leveraged for remedy of an injustice. Nor are they an “investment” who should what - be grateful for being cared for? Or provide some sort of return on the investment to their adoptive or birth parents? Please.

It’s entirely possible for the OP to be the victim of injustice. If that is the case, it is incredibly sad. She should by all means complain, and be supported to do so, as well as being supported

But the sickeningly naive voices of people with such a romantic view of “adoption should never happen against the mother’s will”.., “maybe they will have an intrinsic bond because biology”...”children should stay in foster care because people who are adopted often have lifelong mental health problems” (as if people who grew up in long term foster care don’t).. ”parents have rights” (irrespective of how that might affect the child) 🙄

@2021namechanger

I think bio parent's rights should extend to a child being returned to their parent at a later date.

Ok let’s say there’s been a mix up on the maternity ward you were on. Sorry there’s been a gross injustice - you now need to return your children to their biological parents

Do you think that’s a good idea?

It’s nothing to do with the adults - it’s to do with the welfare of the child

This.

My parents are my parents. They raised me, they love me, they know me inside out.

How ridiculous to suggest that because of my DNA I should have been taken from a safe and loving family where I felt secure and 'returned' to another one.

Not an adoptee/r but OP is it possible that you can make peace with this traumatic event by finding some silver linings?

Had your son not been adopted then you wouldn’t have your children now. I bet you would never want to wish away their existence. The fact is had your son not been adopted the children you have & love would not exist.

It’s like the butterfly effect theory - your life would have been different & not met your partner & had the family you do have & love now.

You might have kept him & never had more children, or potentially not found another loving partner & be feeling bitter about something else.

Your grief is real & not my place to question that. Just hope you can process this grief in the same way you would a death. Death is irreversible & there is no coming back from it.

The opportunity to know your son in the way a “mum” would has been taken from you. In turn life have you opportunities for more kids & a loving family.

All the best

@itdepends

Card from 'his mum' is in the opening posts and there are other bits throughout the thread. It's there she has said that the adoptive parents also refer to as other "mummy" though, incidentally, and that in addition to saying this she has said very clearly that she does not want to disrupt the adoption or unsettle her ds.

I don't think this message is coming across clearly, from what I've read here. We have a different interpretation.

@2021namechanger I also agree re the point about 18. It's got to be up to the child. But that's the baseline, I guess, so why people are mentioning it.

@MoroSun

Hmmm. It’s tricky not having all the facts about your ‘abusive relationship’ but clearly your son was thought to be at considerable risk from your involvement with this man, so much so that he was removed. I very much doubt that was a decision taken lightly. You may have turned your life around now but your son couldn’t be left in a vulnerable situation while you got yourself and your priorities together

OP needed a mother and baby placement She was FAILED by social services

@MoroSun

Hmmm. It’s tricky not having all the facts about your ‘abusive relationship’ but clearly your son was thought to be at considerable risk from your involvement with this man, so much so that he was removed. I very much doubt that was a decision taken lightly. You may have turned your life around now but your son couldn’t be left in a vulnerable situation while you got yourself and your priorities together

And why ‘abusive relationship’ how rude

Also OP, as upsetting as this is for you undoubtedly, you are completely centering yourself here. The reality is that your birth son doesn't even know you to miss you, let alone be sad that you aren't sending him cards. Contact from birth parents (especially children who were removed very early) can be very distressing for children, who are processing events very differently from adults). This is why mail is intercepted and redacted accordingly. The child's needs and welfare are centred, not the birth mother's.
You have been given good advice on what to do should your birth son want to contact you in the future. I really hope you can find some peace in what has been a heartbreaking situation for you

[quote blueinthesky]**@Bainne I think bio parent's rights should extend to a child being returned to their parent at a later date. Barring there having been violence from a particular parent themselves. Ethically, their rights extend to that in my opinion

Children are people in their own right, who over time grow and develop attachments in the environments they find themselves in.

They are not vehicles for discharging either birth parents or adoptive parents “rights” to anything. They are not tools to be leveraged for remedy of an injustice. Nor are they an “investment” who should what - be grateful for being cared for? Or provide some sort of return on the investment to their adoptive or birth parents? Please.

It’s entirely possible for the OP to be the victim of injustice. If that is the case, it is incredibly sad. She should by all means complain, and be supported to do so, as well as being supported

But the sickeningly naive voices of people with such a romantic view of “adoption should never happen against the mother’s will”.., “maybe they will have an intrinsic bond because biology”...”children should stay in foster care because people who are adopted often have lifelong mental health problems” (as if people who grew up in long term foster care don’t).. ”parents have rights” (irrespective of how that might affect the child) 🙄[/quote]
This

[quote blueinthesky]**@Bainne I think bio parent's rights should extend to a child being returned to their parent at a later date. Barring there having been violence from a particular parent themselves. Ethically, their rights extend to that in my opinion

Children are people in their own right, who over time grow and develop attachments in the environments they find themselves in.

They are not vehicles for discharging either birth parents or adoptive parents “rights” to anything. They are not tools to be leveraged for remedy of an injustice. Nor are they an “investment” who should what - be grateful for being cared for? Or provide some sort of return on the investment to their adoptive or birth parents? Please.

It’s entirely possible for the OP to be the victim of injustice. If that is the case, it is incredibly sad. She should by all means complain, and be supported to do so, as well as being supported

But the sickeningly naive voices of people with such a romantic view of “adoption should never happen against the mother’s will”.., “maybe they will have an intrinsic bond because biology”...”children should stay in foster care because people who are adopted often have lifelong mental health problems” (as if people who grew up in long term foster care don’t).. ”parents have rights” (irrespective of how that might affect the child) 🙄[/quote]
Well said.

@SpringHasSprung20

This is every mother’s worst nightmare so I really really feel horrible for you, I mean this with the intention of trying to comfort you but you say “imagine not getting a birthday card from your mum” but to your son his adoptive mum is his mum, and she probably gets him a card. If your worrying he’s feeling in pain or not loved, I hope that his adoptive parents show him lots of love.

I’m so sorry this has happened to you op. I hope you can find peace.

@2021namechanger There are a lot of hints in the OPs posts that this is the case. Things like talking about a card from his “mum”, suggesting he may be an only child who is missing out as he has siblings, and also the idea that he will look at a social services file and feel angry as I said to another poster, if you read the OP's posts in their entirety, you will see that she recognises the relationship between her child and her child's adoptive parents. There are many ways out there of seeing these situations, and some adopters do recognise the birth mother as also being "mum" and recognise the importance of adoptees knowing that they have siblings. The OP says that she does not want to disrupt her ds and that the adoptive parents are lovely. She has also said that she is referred to as "mummy... " in letters and her adoptive parents have sent a letter directly from her ds. So their set up was different to what you experienced, possibly?

The truth is that when you meet a birth parent as an adult - you are a fully formed adult. You have a personality some of which your BF may not like, you may have opposing views on certain things. That’s if it even happens. It takes a lot of mental strength I would imagine for a BM to be able to deal with that maturely. I agree this might be the case but it might not be, it sometimes an issue and sometimes not, ime. A lighthearted aside - do you have dc? I have bio dc who I have brought up who still have opposing views to me about things!!

@OVienna it sounds like we are reading the posts differently, which is fine, we can agree to differ. However, it is possible that your experience of a very needy birth parent might be colouring your views, and my experience of contact with birth parents as being normal without neediness being an issue is colouring my views.

I think bio parent's rights should extend to a child being returned to their parent at a later date. Barring there having been violence from a particular parent themselves. Ethically, their rights extend to that in my opinion. and what a about the child’s rights? Or don’t they have any? Should they just be adopted and then returned say 5, 6, 10 years later to a family they have never met before because that family should have the right to have them back? What a ridiculous suggestion.

This is always about the child’s rights and not the parents’. Children are removed for their own wellbeing. In divorce cases residency is given on the basis of the child’s* rights to a relationship with their parents. Parent’s don’t actually have rights, they have responsibilities.