To think the way some birth mothers are treat is appalling

[SpringHasSprung20]

A decade ago when I was still in my teens I had a baby removed from me at birth by social services and put up for adoption against my will.

It wasn't me who was the risk, I was being abused by the father and fought so hard to get away, have him prosecuted and keep my baby. I've posted about my story before.

Fast forward to now I'm approaching 30. I have a family and I'm living on the other side of the country with two subsequent children in my care full time with no SS involvement. I have a good life and haven't spoken to the abusive ex since I left him. I'm a different person. A strong person.

SS never allowed to meet the adoptive parents because I was opposing the adoption.

Do you know what contact I have with my son? One letter per year, due every April but it's usually always months late.

All of my letters are inspected by an adoption social work team before they'll be passed on to the adoptive parents/my son. Protocol. Most years they are sent back to me to edit out parts where I've told him I love him or miss him. I'm not allowed to say that, it's too emotional apparently.

I'm not daft, I know it's not in his best interests for me to be emotional in letters so I never am - but I do want him to know he's loved.

They are pedantic beyond comprehension. One year I had a letter telling me he was doing well in school, in my reply I said I was proud and he's such a clever boy. They sent my letter back and made me change "you are so clever" to "you sound clever"

I've had to plead with the adoption team for years to ask the family if I can have a photo, after 8 years of the adoption team saying "we don't let birth parents have photos" a kind contact coordinator finally agreed to ask the family for me.

The family took a while to decide but agreed I could see a photo. I can't keep it though.

I have to liase with an adoption team in my area and ask that the photo be sent to them so I can go into the office and look at it on a computer screen. Once. That won't happen this year because of covid so I have another year to wait before I can even catch a glimpse of my little boy. I have no idea what he looks like other than the sweet 6 month old face I have in a photo album, taken at our "goodbye contact"

I'm not allowed to send birthday cards or presents because it's a pain for the adoption agency to facilitate.

I have a box here that I save his cards in every year but that's not the point really is it? Imagine being a child and never getting a birthday card from your mum.

I'm not allowed to tell him about his siblings in letters. I talk to them about him all of the time but they must be kept secret.

All of the above is wrapped up as being in his best interests of course, but is it really?

I don't think he'll feel that way later on.

If you were adopted wouldn't you want to know that your 'birth' mother loved you? Would you be happy to only hear from her once a year?

I'm not a criminal and I've never hurt a child or been accused of it. I'm a good person and a good mother. I have the backing of SS here completely, after I approached them when I moved here. The senior manager raised her own concerns about how I was treat by that local authority and couldn't believe the way they work.

AIBU to think the way some birth mothers are treat is appalling? I'm not referring to abusive people or people who neglect their children, but people like me and others who were let down terribly.

I cannot move past the injustice of it all.

"Why are you trying to pick holes in her post? She's obviously in deep distress."

This is exactly it. It takes a special sort of cruelty to kick someone when they're down.

THIS story makes no sense, and I'm baffled why so many people are posting "I believe you OP."
I remember the thread from OP on her 2nd pregnancy.
This does happen and has happened many times prior to 2014 and probably continues to happen if parents are uneducated or not financially well off, 26 week turnaround.
You're very naive to think mistakes can't happen when professionals on the thread said it can.

Why are you trying to pick holes in her post? She's obviously in deep distress.

Because threads like these are so damaging. How many people have posted that they believe this story even though it is obviously highly selective?

I can see the anti-SS contingent are winning here. I really hope it's just a case of those shouting the loudest dominating the conversation, and people reading silently are engaging some critical thinking. SS does not want to take babies from capable parents.

@AlmightyBob what a strange thing to say. Thinking that someone is giving a partial or misleading account of their experiences isn't troll hunting.

Ss do make mistakes. According to some people, however, they ONLY make mistakes and every single adoption is unjust.

The vast majority of adoptees on here appear to want to crush any hopes of me ever seeing him again?

You didn't want to know your birth mother because she's just an incubator? Good for you lot.

What a hideous thing to say! I dont want to know mine at the moment because my feelings around it are so complex. You are coming across as so selfish, you need to put your child's needs first.

Every neglectful or abusive parent has a story about how the evil social workers stole their children for no good reason.

And it's possible a few of them are right.

Or are social workers and our system somehow infallible?

I know some social workers who seem.well adjusted, I know others who seek to have gravitated towards social work as a response to a youth (up to twenties or later) of poor decision making that has put them in contact with agencies as clients, and they then decide they want to work in that field, and their experiences make them especially suitable .... An access course and a social work degree later, they're on their way to make life affecting decisions about other people.

@OVienna By all means get support to process the adoption as it affected YOU - but these are two separate issues. Related, of course, but they require managing in a different way I think to be fair to the OP in her posts she does distinguish between her feelings and what is best for her ds. NB her child's adoptive parents refer to her as "mummy" in the letters two and so see their child as having two mothers too - ie that is their belief system too. OP says she recognises that he appears settled and she has said she doesn't want to disrupt that and she says that his parents appear to be lovely. But this post is about how she was treated, and the unfairness and torment, and I agree with her that it is not balanced to be referring to birth parents as sperm donors and incubators on this particular thread. But I agree that in general there is a balance of opinions from adoptees if that is what you mean.

I think many people come to this from their personal experience and their comments reflect this and these comments are not particularly balanced.

@SomersetHamlyn I didn't say that HeyDemon is troll hunting. I said that if she isn't troll hunting, I'm not sure what she's doing - whatever it is, it's not coming from a good place. And as I said earlier, I do speak as someone with quite extensive experience of adoption.

@fighting4change

Op I'm heartbroken for you, i can completely understand why you are still so affected. You did nothing wrong and have been deprived of your first born through no fault of your own. After losing a child in such a cruel way many people would have completely fallen apart but you have found that strength to carry on and rebuild your life and have a family and that i applaud you for.

As for all the people saying they don't just take children away, i suggest you read up and inform yourselves of the cruelty decent parents face at the hands of the secret family courts. False reports with absolutely no evidence to back accusations but because of the privacy its allowed to carry on.

The op was a young woman who clearly was capable of keeping her son if she was just helped to move to a place of safety and given support but once again its another child removed from a parent rather than helping her.
I understand if a parent is neglectful or abusing drugs then removal of a child is needed but this isn't the case here and the fact the op bettered her life even after the appalling way social services treated her shows she was always capable of leaving her ex.

Op I applaud you for your strength and my heart breaks for you and the injustice you have suffered and i only hope one day you get to have a relationship with your son and then you can tell him how much he is loved and it wasn't your choice. Whatever others on here say i think it will help him as an adult to know the truth than think you didn't love him.

Keep going my lovely ❤️

Yes and often removal is based on the rush of ‘future emotional harm’ A child who HASNT been harmed and probably WONT be harmed and removed under a very vague reason. It’s wrong and it happens Also all the SEN parents dragged through hell and accused of FII

And OP who just needed protection and support a mother and baby placement. OP didn’t need to change or prove her parenting really she needed protecting

rush-risk

@Emeraldshamrock

THIS story makes no sense, and I'm baffled why so many people are posting "I believe you OP." I remember the thread from OP on her 2nd pregnancy. This does happen and has happened many times prior to 2014 and probably continues to happen if parents are uneducated or not financially well off, 26 week turnaround. You're very naive to think mistakes can't happen when professionals on the thread said it can.

People just want to turn away from an uncomfortable truth that social services and family courts at best make mistakes at worst deliberately remove children wrongfully

And I'm far from "anti SS". It's a shame that these discussions get so polarised really. I'm 'strange' apparently for wondering why someone would attack a person in distress; the OP is 'hideous' for being upset when someone said her son would probably never want to know her.

@wasthereaplan
And OP who just needed protection and support a mother and baby placement. OP didn’t need to change or prove her parenting really she needed protecting

What on earth makes you think you can pronounce so confidently based on a few posts on the internet giving at best one side of the story from a decade ago, but that a team of professionals dealing with the case at the time were all wrong?

I’m sorry and it sounds utterly horrific

I think bio parent's rights should extend to a child being returned to their parent at a later date.

Ok let’s say there’s been a mix up on the maternity ward you were on. Sorry there’s been a gross injustice - you now need to return your children to their biological parents

Do you think that’s a good idea?

It’s nothing to do with the adults - it’s to do with the welfare of the child

I can see the anti-SS contingent are winning here. I really hope it's just a case of those shouting the loudest dominating the conversation, and people reading silently are engaging some critical thinking. SS does not want to take babies from capable parents

I work in the system so I'm hardly anti social services. And in my professional experience, the ops experience is totally plausible. If you took your own advice and engaged a little critical thinking, it would be obvious that situations like this, will and do happen.

[quote SomersetHamlyn]@wasthereaplan
And OP who just needed protection and support a mother and baby placement. OP didn’t need to change or prove her parenting really she needed protecting

What on earth makes you think you can pronounce so confidently based on a few posts on the internet giving at best one side of the story from a decade ago, but that a team of professionals dealing with the case at the time were all wrong?[/quote]
Because OP has explained
She was the victim of abuse and needed support and protection. She needed a mother and baby placement.

And what on Earth makes you so confident that ss were right based on a few posts on an Internet forum ?

Why do posters need to be anti SS or pro SS.

I can see the important work SS does and the absolute need for them to exist and operate, but that aside, I can also appreciate the potential for error.

Everyone speaking up saying "oh my neighbour was adopted and his experience is...." are making me want to scream. Unless you are an adoptee or an adopted person you can't speak of their experiences, and even when you do it is a personal choice.

I think my birth mum is amazing to have had me at 15 and made the choice that I would be better being raised by someone else. I think my Mum and Dad were incredible and the story of the day they were told I was theirs makes me cry big fat tears every time I think about it. Adoption is complex and full of emotion and nuanced.

@SoulofanAggron

But are you suggesting the OP’s child’s adoption, his life with the only family he remembers, should be broken up on the possibility that there might be an ‘intrinsic bond’ between them

And his mother’s parental rights were terminated via the adoption

@Bainne I think bio parent's rights should extend to a child being returned to their parent at a later date. Barring there having been violence from a particular parent themselves. Ethically, their rights extend to that in my opinion.

As an adoptee, I can tell you I would be absolutely horrified if I'd had this hanging over my life. You really have no clue what you've you just said would actually mean in practice for THE CHILD in this equation. It really is all about the parents' needs.

@HeyDemonsItsYaGirl

Why are you trying to pick holes in her post? She's obviously in deep distress.

Because threads like these are so damaging. How many people have posted that they believe this story even though it is obviously highly selective?

I can see the anti-SS contingent are winning here. I really hope it's just a case of those shouting the loudest dominating the conversation, and people reading silently are engaging some critical thinking. SS does not want to take babies from capable parents.

If you read the whole thread (it’s long but I’ve been reading since the start, not sure I’d stomach reading it all in one go) you’ll see there are many, many posts explaining that social services have neither the inclination nor power to snatch a baby away without reason. I think in recent pages a few vocal posters have given the impression that the ‘anti SS contingent’ is the dominant view, but thankfully it really isn’t.

There have been lots of really insightful, fair and balanced posts in this sad thread. It’s surprised me actually as usually these types of threads do descend quickly into ‘SS van and do remove children from loving capable parents’. But it seems people are starting to realise that just isn’t the case ❤️

It’s really sad all around, and I hope OP gets the help she deserves to come to terms with this.

@2021namechanger

I think bio parent's rights should extend to a child being returned to their parent at a later date.

Ok let’s say there’s been a mix up on the maternity ward you were on. Sorry there’s been a gross injustice - you now need to return your children to their biological parents

Do you think that’s a good idea?

It’s nothing to do with the adults - it’s to do with the welfare of the child

I personally would want to know my birth mother. Weather your parents are an active/positive role in your life it’s besides the point. I would want to know my heritage and where I come from.

This would be no disrespect to the person who raised me.

@DinoHat

Why do posters need to be anti SS or pro SS.

I can see the important work SS does and the absolute need for them to exist and operate, but that aside, I can also appreciate the potential for error.

This exactly. Anyone can make mistakes it’s wrong to try and maintain that ss never do so

ColdBrightClearMorning I've read it and yes, not easy reading. I hope you're right about the rest, too.

I think bio parent's rights should extend to a child being returned to their parent at a later date.

Oh my days how absolutely horrendous. So a child can be taken away from their family and their life and their friends? This is frightening. And rubbishes adoption and the reason that adoption exists which is to keep children safe.