To think the way some birth mothers are treat is appalling

[SpringHasSprung20]

A decade ago when I was still in my teens I had a baby removed from me at birth by social services and put up for adoption against my will.

It wasn't me who was the risk, I was being abused by the father and fought so hard to get away, have him prosecuted and keep my baby. I've posted about my story before.

Fast forward to now I'm approaching 30. I have a family and I'm living on the other side of the country with two subsequent children in my care full time with no SS involvement. I have a good life and haven't spoken to the abusive ex since I left him. I'm a different person. A strong person.

SS never allowed to meet the adoptive parents because I was opposing the adoption.

Do you know what contact I have with my son? One letter per year, due every April but it's usually always months late.

All of my letters are inspected by an adoption social work team before they'll be passed on to the adoptive parents/my son. Protocol. Most years they are sent back to me to edit out parts where I've told him I love him or miss him. I'm not allowed to say that, it's too emotional apparently.

I'm not daft, I know it's not in his best interests for me to be emotional in letters so I never am - but I do want him to know he's loved.

They are pedantic beyond comprehension. One year I had a letter telling me he was doing well in school, in my reply I said I was proud and he's such a clever boy. They sent my letter back and made me change "you are so clever" to "you sound clever"

I've had to plead with the adoption team for years to ask the family if I can have a photo, after 8 years of the adoption team saying "we don't let birth parents have photos" a kind contact coordinator finally agreed to ask the family for me.

The family took a while to decide but agreed I could see a photo. I can't keep it though.

I have to liase with an adoption team in my area and ask that the photo be sent to them so I can go into the office and look at it on a computer screen. Once. That won't happen this year because of covid so I have another year to wait before I can even catch a glimpse of my little boy. I have no idea what he looks like other than the sweet 6 month old face I have in a photo album, taken at our "goodbye contact"

I'm not allowed to send birthday cards or presents because it's a pain for the adoption agency to facilitate.

I have a box here that I save his cards in every year but that's not the point really is it? Imagine being a child and never getting a birthday card from your mum.

I'm not allowed to tell him about his siblings in letters. I talk to them about him all of the time but they must be kept secret.

All of the above is wrapped up as being in his best interests of course, but is it really?

I don't think he'll feel that way later on.

If you were adopted wouldn't you want to know that your 'birth' mother loved you? Would you be happy to only hear from her once a year?

I'm not a criminal and I've never hurt a child or been accused of it. I'm a good person and a good mother. I have the backing of SS here completely, after I approached them when I moved here. The senior manager raised her own concerns about how I was treat by that local authority and couldn't believe the way they work.

AIBU to think the way some birth mothers are treat is appalling? I'm not referring to abusive people or people who neglect their children, but people like me and others who were let down terribly.

I cannot move past the injustice of it all.

@RickiTarr
Well said.

Is it the right thing, though, after ten years

@Highfalutinlootin A person's mum is their mum, maybe they'll have some intrinsic bond. Parents have parental rights too, which should be considered.

You’re just troll hunting and you’re not the only one.

I don't think the OP is a troll.

Are you suggesting that SS never make mistakes?

No.

@HeyDemonsItsYaGirl

It’s been far more than two cases and the glibness with which they’re dismissed is chilling.

Equally chilling to me is all the people posting to say they believe this nonsensical story. It puts more children at risk if parents are frightened of social services after buying into the Evil Baby Snatchers conspiracy theories.

Every neglectful or abusive parent has a story about how the evil social workers stole their children for no good reason.

I understand this viewpoint fully but nothing will ever change if we shut down every conversation like this. I understand we need to keep public trust in the service but this cannot be used as a get out clause every time, there needs to be accountability and improvements.

SwitchUp Agreed, but then let's have some thoughtful threads about the (very few) known cases where huge errors led to children being adopted from innocent parents. Not spurious anecdotes.

Anyone with half a brain can work out that no system is infallible, yet so many of you are desperate to believe that child protection is 100% infallible. Interesting.

It is strange. I work in the system. I've seem the (fortunately few) failings. But they are there. Im admitting that from an inside perspective, yet others still insist it can't be true. Really. It is. There's an overwhelming amount of successes due to thoughtful and careful planning by social workers, who manage to prevent a huge amount of harm to children. On occasion, there are some failings and error of judgement. It's bloody obvious there will be really isn't it.

@HeyDemonsItsYaGirl

SwitchUp Agreed, but then let's have some thoughtful threads about the (very few) known cases where huge errors led to children being adopted from innocent parents. Not spurious anecdotes.

You do realise that a lot of what goes on in family courts can never be reported on.

You do realise that a lot of what goes on in family courts can never be reported on.

You do realise I said known cases.

Equally chilling to me is all the people posting to say they believe this nonsensical story.

@HeyDemonsItsYaGirl It does happen that women who've been in abusive relationships and left get their kids taken off them, and/or SS don't like someone's face.

SS have done some ridiculous and attrocious things. en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Orkney_child_abuse_scandal

My mum's a social worker, so I'm not saying they're always bad. But some are, or sometimes the system does cock up.

@SpringHasSprung20

*The vast majority of adoptees on here appear to want to crush any hopes of me ever seeing him again?

You didn't want to know your birth mother because she's just an incubator? Good for you lot.*

In fact, you've had a lot of balanced feedback from adoptees on here. Some adoptees have said that they don't want to meet their birth families, many of us have said we've had some contact. Some of us are curious and need information or closure in order to move on. Some of us were happy to maintain relationships or at least tried to and went in with the expectation it might be possible. We are not a monolith, just as birth parents aren't.

Your son is an individual who has the right to process his life experience his own way and approach his own adoption as it works best for him. Not you, not his adoptive parents, not anyone else. THAT is the support he needs.

If you mean it when you say you want a relationship with him, please try to think hard about this, his side of things.

By all means get support to process the adoption as it affected YOU - but these are two separate issues. Related, of course, but they require managing in a different way.

Sigh. THIS story makes no sense, and I'm baffled why so many people are posting "I believe you OP."

That is not the same as saying there are never miscarriages of justice or mistakes.

@HeyDemonsItsYaGirl

You do realise that a lot of what goes on in family courts can never be reported on.

You do realise I said known cases.

Yes, but you are also implying that there a very few cases.

Yes, but you are also implying that there a very few cases.

No, I'm saying there are very few known cases. Please read what I actually type.

@SoulofanAggron

Is it the right thing, though, after ten years

@Highfalutinlootin A person's mum is their mum, maybe they'll have some intrinsic bond. Parents have parental rights too, which should be considered.

But are you suggesting the OP’s child’s adoption, his life with the only family he remembers, should be broken up on the possibility that there might be an ‘intrinsic bond’ between them, whereby biology trumps upbringing, daily love, familiarity, knowledge?

And his mother’s parental rights were terminated via the adoption. Which is a serious and irreversible thing, hence why adoption is a last resort, and mistakes so serious.

Having seen first hand a similar situation, I do believe you too. And having read all your posts on this thread, you come across as quite a bright eloquent strong empathic young woman (despite some awful replies from others here). You have been through a lot and that could have sent you right off the deep end of no return, to have a child taken is most traumatic. Likely you have over the years been overwhelmed and confused, caused a lot of heartache and worry. Grieving, numb, shock, maybe even anger. All very natural feelings. But you clearly havent let the situation sink you. You have a fight within to carry on the best you can for your kids. To the ones you are raising and to the one that might one day come knocking. I hope he does find you, because you sound worth knowing and loving x

Keep on, though hard x

@Bainne I am not really sure what points you are trying to make - if you are saying that most adoptees don't seek out birth parents, then you cannot, it is impossible to say as there is no objective information available one way or the other.

I was adopted and had contact with birth parents through most of childhood and it has stood me in good stead. Poor mental health is common in adoptees apparently, and I think I have good mental health because of the contact. But I can see other adoptees here with opposing views.

But in relation to what I am saying and in relation to what you are saying about your friends, these are just personal experiences. If you want to understand it better it is worth looking at the bonafide research and enquiries into adoption. My impression is that it is a huge issue with more work to be done in relation to it.

Sigh. THIS story makes no sense, and I'm baffled why so many people are posting "I believe you OP."

Well maybe if you read the thread a little more closely you might begin to understand why it might make sense.

I could read the OP's posts until the end of days and the story would still have more holes than an Aero.

@HeyDemonsItsYaGirl

I could read the OP's posts until the end of days and the story would still have more holes than an Aero.

Why are you trying to pick holes in her post? She's obviously in deep distress.

@HeyDemonsitsYaGirl
I can read and can also understand implied meaning, thank you.
You have ignored several professionals who have posted and continued with your trolling posts. None of us know the full story here but situations like this do arise. The fact that you continue to call the OP unbelievable and suggest that there was abuse is awful bullying behaviour. None of us know( this is the Internet) but if the facts are as stated ( which is plausible) you should be very ashamed. To err on the side of caution and kindness is a good approach I think.

If the SS you've most recently dealt with was appalled by your case, is there scope to pursue this legally? To, even if they don't change contact arrangements etc., formally acknowledge it was wrong.

I wonder could Rights of Women be of help.
You'd certainly need legal.peiple who specialise in this.

The posters who (nastily) say most/many adopted children aren't interested in their birth parents - bollocks.

I think he's likely to try to meet you when he's of age. And presumably you can also try to get in touch with him, without all the restrictions currently in force.

(when he's of age I mean).

But are you suggesting the OP’s child’s adoption, his life with the only family he remembers, should be broken up on the possibility that there might be an ‘intrinsic bond’ between them

And his mother’s parental rights were terminated via the adoption

@Bainne I think bio parent's rights should extend to a child being returned to their parent at a later date. Barring there having been violence from a particular parent themselves. Ethically, their rights extend to that in my opinion.

*Or neglect and the parent still doesn't seem capable to look after the child. But lots of parents can improve with MH treatment, courses, other support.

@HeyDemonsItsYaGirl if you don't think the OP is a troll, then surely you must accept that her account of the facts of her case is a valid one - that doesn't mean it is factually 100% accurate (it may be, it may not), but that it is an honest account of what happened to her from her perspective. Her child was removed at birth, there was never any suggestion of abuse or neglect. The OP herself was a victim of crime. Given that, I'm curious about your motivation for posting on this thread. What do you hope to gain by continually implying that the OP is a liar?