To think the way some birth mothers are treat is appalling

[SpringHasSprung20]

A decade ago when I was still in my teens I had a baby removed from me at birth by social services and put up for adoption against my will.

It wasn't me who was the risk, I was being abused by the father and fought so hard to get away, have him prosecuted and keep my baby. I've posted about my story before.

Fast forward to now I'm approaching 30. I have a family and I'm living on the other side of the country with two subsequent children in my care full time with no SS involvement. I have a good life and haven't spoken to the abusive ex since I left him. I'm a different person. A strong person.

SS never allowed to meet the adoptive parents because I was opposing the adoption.

Do you know what contact I have with my son? One letter per year, due every April but it's usually always months late.

All of my letters are inspected by an adoption social work team before they'll be passed on to the adoptive parents/my son. Protocol. Most years they are sent back to me to edit out parts where I've told him I love him or miss him. I'm not allowed to say that, it's too emotional apparently.

I'm not daft, I know it's not in his best interests for me to be emotional in letters so I never am - but I do want him to know he's loved.

They are pedantic beyond comprehension. One year I had a letter telling me he was doing well in school, in my reply I said I was proud and he's such a clever boy. They sent my letter back and made me change "you are so clever" to "you sound clever"

I've had to plead with the adoption team for years to ask the family if I can have a photo, after 8 years of the adoption team saying "we don't let birth parents have photos" a kind contact coordinator finally agreed to ask the family for me.

The family took a while to decide but agreed I could see a photo. I can't keep it though.

I have to liase with an adoption team in my area and ask that the photo be sent to them so I can go into the office and look at it on a computer screen. Once. That won't happen this year because of covid so I have another year to wait before I can even catch a glimpse of my little boy. I have no idea what he looks like other than the sweet 6 month old face I have in a photo album, taken at our "goodbye contact"

I'm not allowed to send birthday cards or presents because it's a pain for the adoption agency to facilitate.

I have a box here that I save his cards in every year but that's not the point really is it? Imagine being a child and never getting a birthday card from your mum.

I'm not allowed to tell him about his siblings in letters. I talk to them about him all of the time but they must be kept secret.

All of the above is wrapped up as being in his best interests of course, but is it really?

I don't think he'll feel that way later on.

If you were adopted wouldn't you want to know that your 'birth' mother loved you? Would you be happy to only hear from her once a year?

I'm not a criminal and I've never hurt a child or been accused of it. I'm a good person and a good mother. I have the backing of SS here completely, after I approached them when I moved here. The senior manager raised her own concerns about how I was treat by that local authority and couldn't believe the way they work.

AIBU to think the way some birth mothers are treat is appalling? I'm not referring to abusive people or people who neglect their children, but people like me and others who were let down terribly.

I cannot move past the injustice of it all.

‘Fine to think that to oneself, absolutely not ok to say it to the victim of the abuse.’

Yes - it is awful to have someone tell you that you imagined or are making up the trauma you have to live with.

And yet you do it to a stranger on the internet who has clearly stated that professionals have gone over the case with a fine tooth comb and have concluded that what wha spend on the part of other SWs actions was wrong and appalling.

I haven't had a chance to read the whole thread so I do apologise first of all for that. I have read all your posts though on this thread and for anyone who is giving you a hard time really needs to stop.

However, I believe you. I am so very sorry for everything you have gone through. That doesn't go anywhere towards what you have been through so I feel somewhat you know for saying it.

I have seen this happening before to some mothers - depending on which area they are in and also what social worker is assigned to them and also depending on which ones are the team leaders at the time.

I think most people should have the awareness of knowing that you can get good sws and bad ones. However, the damage that bad ones can do is devastating and horrendous as what happened here.

Social workers should not be blaming the victim of abuse. Yet some still do even when there is supposedly all of this awareness surrounding it and how the abusers work.

Everything that you have said I believe and I have absolutely no words for the pain that you have been put through. You were brave enough to speak out and ask for help yet no help came. You asked about what you should do and were given advice and followed it yet it has all been used against you.

I have seen this pattern before many times.

I am so sorry for what has happened. It is horrendous and I can't begin to imagine the pain that you are in. The fact you send letters and do everything you can shows that you are a good mother and one that cares deeply and loves deeply. Saving the cards shows that as well. The fact that you fought for a photo says that you're not a mother who can't be bothered.

The fact that the original foster parent felt that little one should be returned to you also speaks volumes.

I am thinking of you and I am so very sorry. This case is so very wrong and it is absolutely heartbreaking. It really is.

Abuse is not just sexual and physical etc for kids that get taken in to care its every day like beds to sleep in, food, proper clothes,no routine and a lot of people with mental illness and drugs cant look after themselves never mind children. I seen a lot of posts on MN especially around the free school dinners thread people having a go at people doing this but in the next breath on here saying its mean to take kids away birth parents. SOME do get alot of support before the kids go in to care. I am not having a go at ever day parents that are struggling with money under no fault of their own and put their kids first by the way before anyone has a go.

@emilyfrost

He will read his files, eventually, and see for himself.

Doubtful, very doubtful. Most adopted children aren’t interested in who gave birth to them.

Well that's not true is it.

My brother was.

The people on lost families are predominantly adoptees and birth parents.

There are thousands of adoptees who want to seek out their birth families.

The vast majority of adoptees on here appear to want to crush any hopes of me ever seeing him again?

You didn't want to know your birth mother because she's just an incubator? Good for you lot.

I have hope.

Be grateful you are able to have letters and see a photo

Are you serious?

I had my baby ripped away at birth, through no fault of MY own, then be told I should be grateful to have letters and see a photo.

Tell that to abused women internationally, except you wouldn't need to would you, because forced adoption doesn't happen anywhere else.

If ongoing contact with birth parents is so damaging then why do other countries advocate and facilitate open adoptions.

The UK is the only country worldwide that operates this way and it's scary how many people here condone it.

I just hope your loved ones don't find themselves in an abusive relationship and have the courage to ask for help, they just might lose their children.

OP i haven’t read the full thread. But just wanted to say how sorry I am.

I think many posters are working on the assumption that SS never make mistakes, but history tells us there’s many instances of children being cruely removed from their birth mothers and the assumption that SS are some sort of untouchable authority that never make mistakes is a dangerous one.

Taking your post as face value you sound like a caring mother who needed support, but instead your child was taken from you against your will. I’m not sure how anyone could come to terms with that.

As a young women in a difficult living arrangement and with presumably little outside support it’s not difficult to see how you might have been overpowered by authority.

What’s best for your son now is very difficult for you to accept who has been forced into this situation. If my child was removed against my will I don’t think I’d ever accept that was the right thing for him. It only shows the strength of your maternal feeling which is totally natural.

I know court isn’t an option but are you able to have some sort of review? I’m sure you’re not the only one to have been treated like this and those responsible should be held to
account.

OP my post is not intended to have a go at you just saying generally as some people seem to think lots of kids are taken for no reason.

To all the posters here saying all adoptees are not interested in their birth family, you are misinformed. As OP says, there is a programme about adoptees seeking birth families. There are literally thousands of adoptee testimonies online about finding birth families. If you look at the adoption forum on mumsnet regularly you will see multiple posts about adopters seeking advice about their adopted children wanting to meet birth families.

Posters are saying that there is no legal recourse for the OP, but last time I looked there was statutory provision allowing birth families to apply to the courts for a review of contact arrangements.

@GingerAndTheBiscuits

I have complained to the local authority only to be told "that's how it is, it's protocol. Birth parents can't send cards"

This is really something you need to pursue through the council’s complaints procedure, which includes an independent investigation and review. Unless it was agreed in court that this was the arrangement, the council can be challenged to justify this view.

This is good advice

I have just logged in on the internet browser and seen I have inboxes. I'll read and respond to those and be back here later on, I have a full on morning today and feeling a bit shell shocked to be honest.

I seldom speak about all of this as much as I probably should for the sake of my own healing, so when I do open up and am met with criticism or victim blaming it rubs salt in the wound so to speak.

Thank you for all of the support amongst the nasty posts, I'm reading and I'm so grateful.

I don't think you're a bad person. You sound like a lovely mother.

However I do think you're viewing this from what YOU want. You're right, in the future he will undoubtedly gain in confidence and reassurance, knowing you thought and cared about him so much. But for now, sadly for you, he has a mum. He has a family. And he's likely a happy little boy.

His best interests ARE in being able to concentrate on his family. Then, one day when he's older, if he wishes, he can find you again and build a relationship.

With all respect because, as a mother, I know the love you feel for a child, you telling him you love him etc isn't going to come across as sincere. You don't know him anymore. He will also likely think that.

It's really sad. I'm sorry you didn't get the right help 10 years ago to leave your ex. That's awful and I can imagine why you feel so let down. But for now, I think the boundaries in place ARE for his benefit and sadly you need to accept that a relationship with him won't be possible until he's an adult.

What a sad story. I hope you manage some sort of happy ending

@Devleskov - I don't always think they consider the interests of the child either. No way should adoption take place unless the mother agrees.

But can't you see how that could be problematic? Abusive mothers aren't likely to agree to adoption, nor are mothers who have MH issues, mothers in abusive relationships, mopthers who have chaotic lives, mothers who just can't take take of their children, for whatever reason.

That's why we have ss - so they can step in and intervene when necessary, and they don't always get it right.

@itdepends

To all the posters here saying all adoptees are not interested in their birth family, you are misinformed. As OP says, there is a programme about adoptees seeking birth families. There are literally thousands of adoptee testimonies online about finding birth families. If you look at the adoption forum on mumsnet regularly you will see multiple posts about adopters seeking advice about their adopted children wanting to meet birth families.

That’s to an extent because finding your birth parents is a good narrative for tv, and there’s no mileage in ‘adult adoptee chooses not to seek out birth family’. Similarly, those people who choose not to are less likely to post on an Internet forum about it, or for their parents to.

As this thread suggests, it’s a far more complex and potentially problematic encounter than the ‘happy ever after reunion’ narrative suggests, and there can be a real mismatch of expectations. Which is why there is so much caution about letting birth parents have photographs which could be used to track a child online and perhaps make contact when the child is under eighteen via sm, rather than via official channels when everyone involved has had some preparation.

For various reasons, I know a lot of adult adoptees or people who stayed in the care system, aged from 28 to in their 70s. Two have chosen not to trace their birth parents. One replied to a letter from her birth mother but chose not to meet. The woman I’ve already mentioned found her birth mother’s emotion and expectations overwhelming, and has chosen not to meet her again after two meetings. Two traced and met a few times, but it petered out because of mismatched expectations. One was told by his birth mother (in her 60s) that she wouldn’t be meeting him again after the first time, because her family (including several full siblings) didn’t know she’d had a child out of wedlock. One had a horrible experience, and was accused by a half-sibling of ‘coming after’ her birth mother for an inheritance.

I do know a couple of people with ongoing, broadly positive relationships with a birth parent. The one thing they have in common is being older when they traced their birth family. I think both were in their 30s.

Doubtful, very doubtful. Most adopted children aren’t interested in who gave birth to them @emilyfrost you never fail to come out with nonsense. Of course they do. They probably don't discuss it with new family out of lotality.

@emilyfrost

He will read his files, eventually, and see for himself.

Doubtful, very doubtful. Most adopted children aren’t interested in who gave birth to them.

It’s firstly not true. Secondly, having read the OP’s situation what could possibly be your motivation in writing that . You are writing something that is deliberately hurtful and cruel.

Leiland Corkhill
Elsie Scully-Hicks
Skyla Hiller

Where was the safeguarding here?

I believe you OP. I think maybe I’m reading a different post to other people but I’m seeing an abused teenager who had her baby taken off her at birth and placed with adopters at 6 months old. That shouldn’t be happening. All these people saying she’s not his Mum and he’ll never bother looking for her should be ashamed. I hope they’d all take it really well if their partner abused them and their DC were adopted. They wouldn’t be their DC Mother though so should just STFU and let the new parents get on with it.

It’s been far more than two cases and the glibness with which they’re dismissed is chilling.

Equally chilling to me is all the people posting to say they believe this nonsensical story. It puts more children at risk if parents are frightened of social services after buying into the Evil Baby Snatchers conspiracy theories.

Every neglectful or abusive parent has a story about how the evil social workers stole their children for no good reason.

@HeyDemonsItsYaGirl

It’s been far more than two cases and the glibness with which they’re dismissed is chilling.

Equally chilling to me is all the people posting to say they believe this nonsensical story. It puts more children at risk if parents are frightened of social services after buying into the Evil Baby Snatchers conspiracy theories.

Every neglectful or abusive parent has a story about how the evil social workers stole their children for no good reason.

You’re just troll hunting and you’re not the only one.

*Equally chilling to me is all the people posting to say they believe this nonsensical story. It puts more children at risk if parents are frightened of social services after buying into the Evil Baby Snatchers conspiracy theories.

Every neglectful or abusive parent has a story about how the evil social workers stole their children for no good reason.*

How do you know it’s nonsensical? It’s possible it is, but it’s also possible it isn’t.

It’s ok to have a balanced view and sympathise with the OP whilst also recognising that there might be another side to the story which is equally as compelling as OP’s.

Are you suggesting that SS never make mistakes?

So sorry to hear this. I’m from Ireland and there has been so much in the media recently about historic coerced adoptions by religious orders who believed at the time that they were doing the right thing. Huge numbers of the adult children wanted to know who their mothers were.
Even if you don’t see him until he is an adult, there will be this written testimony of you having tried. Don’t give up!💐

@OVienna

I am an adult adoptee from the era of closed adoption. I'll try to articulate a bit here, in case it provides some food for thought, how an adoptee might feel, confronted with the emotions and sense of deep injustice that comes across in your postings around the adoption, whilst trying to process their own place in the "triangle." I cannot speak for the merits of your case, obviously, but not commenting on that is not passing judgement one way or another, just to be clear.

My reasons for researching my birth parents was to understand more about my background and feel in control of that information - I am originally from the US and that info was not accessible in most cases. That was really frustrating and did irk me, to say the least. I wanted answers and it if it was possible for something to develop that would have been a bonus. I have not been in touch with my BM - I was able to find out quite a lot online and basically answered my questions. I don't want to disrupt her life in any way. I matched with my birth father after a DNA test and have had contact with him.

I was adopted at around a week old and in my case I feel that that some sort of letterbox contact as occurs today would not have added to the quality of my life. It would have been ridiculous and confusing to pretend that I was going to have a shared history with these people going forward, in a way that is meaningful and like 'family.' What I would have wanted, and what I think is entirely reasonable to expect, is access to whatever information (such as my original birth certificate) I could from the age of 18 and be able to contact and process any questions I might have had at that time. I was lucky I was born in a state where access was more available than others.

I would not have gotten in touch with my birth father if I had known that his reaction, regardless of my decades of lived experience with the family I grew up with, was that he in fact was my 'real' father. I can't and don't want to offer this sort of relationship.

Adoptees who search are generally looking for answers about themselves, perhaps some support, and comfort that it is okay for them to need answers. Many might be open to an active relationship but this needs time, honesty, consideration on all sides, respect for boundaries, and knowing that really - everyone is starting from scratch. 'Reunion' is a really bad word to use for it. The person your son is may be nothing like what you expect, if and when you finally meet.

Being an adoptee and confronted with a person whose needs are overwhelming was really scary, even as a middle aged person with decades to process my adoption. I couldn't have managed it at 20 let alone the age of the child we are talking about here.

It's right this child is spared that experience in his childhood.

He may well contact you when he is grown; most adoptees are curious. But I can tell you, making your grief his problem is not the basis for a relationship in the future. I would strongly urge you to make peace with what happened, however you can and whatever form that may take, before you contemplate taking anything further with his adoptive family.

This absolutely.

I'm not adopted but my best friend since childhood is.

Now I'm not suggesting this is what you're currently doing or even intend to do OP but just to be mindful.

Her BM feels very similarly to you by the sounds of it as to the injustice of the situation and the fact her daughter was removed from her. Unfortunately she took to sharing that frustration and grief and anger with my friend as she grew up through things like social media/the contact they had during her childhood.

She has regularly said things about how she's her 'real mum' and so on...

My friend has carried an enormous amount of guilt and confusion around due to this, especially during her teen years. It really effected her and still does.

Now she's an adult she has chosen to completely cut her BM out as the interactions don't bring anything positive to her life and she gets angry frankly at the constant suggestions that she is her 'real mum / family' as in my friends mind and in truth, her mum and dad are the people who raised her and she finds it really disrespectful as an adult now to suggest otherwise.

Her BM recently took to contacting her again through her siblings social media accounts who she has also now unfortunately had to block.

As I say, I'm not saying you will act this way or have done at all. But my friends BM very clearly never dealt with the anger and grief she had surrounding what she felt was the injustice she suffered at the hands of SS and showed that to my friend. The result wasn't a good one unfortunately.

I actually do believe your account. And it's horrifying to read. I'm truly so sorry. But for your son's sake, please do seek some professional help to work through your emotions surrounding this subject before considering seeking any further contact. You may need to accept that this won't be possible until / if he seeks you out when he's old enough to.

No matter the injustice you suffered, it is now unfortunately not about you but what is best for your son. He has been with his family now for 10 years, as much as I have sympathy for you, I'm not sure what you want really is in his best interests now after this time.

It puts more children at risk if parents are frightened of social services after buying into the Evil Baby Snatchers conspiracy theories.

No. I was at enormous pains to say that cock up (or a rogue ethos in a single isolated team ) is generally what causes mistakes or injustices. Not conspiracy. So don’t quote me and then start some straw man bollocks about “Baby Snatchers”. I haven’t suggested that at all.

Organisational theory and public policy are the keys to these kind of situations. Not conspiracy theories. If you think mistakes can if happen, then you are deluded.

If you think mistakes CANNOT happen then you’re deluded @DinoHat

It is really unpleasant to watch various posters vent their spite or project their own insecurities onto OP.

Anyone with half a brain can work out that no system is infallible, yet so many of you are desperate to believe that child protection is 100% infallible. Interesting.

So sorry. I meant to address that reply to @HeyDemonsItsYaGirl and definitely not to @DinoHat