To think the way some birth mothers are treat is appalling

[SpringHasSprung20]

A decade ago when I was still in my teens I had a baby removed from me at birth by social services and put up for adoption against my will.

It wasn't me who was the risk, I was being abused by the father and fought so hard to get away, have him prosecuted and keep my baby. I've posted about my story before.

Fast forward to now I'm approaching 30. I have a family and I'm living on the other side of the country with two subsequent children in my care full time with no SS involvement. I have a good life and haven't spoken to the abusive ex since I left him. I'm a different person. A strong person.

SS never allowed to meet the adoptive parents because I was opposing the adoption.

Do you know what contact I have with my son? One letter per year, due every April but it's usually always months late.

All of my letters are inspected by an adoption social work team before they'll be passed on to the adoptive parents/my son. Protocol. Most years they are sent back to me to edit out parts where I've told him I love him or miss him. I'm not allowed to say that, it's too emotional apparently.

I'm not daft, I know it's not in his best interests for me to be emotional in letters so I never am - but I do want him to know he's loved.

They are pedantic beyond comprehension. One year I had a letter telling me he was doing well in school, in my reply I said I was proud and he's such a clever boy. They sent my letter back and made me change "you are so clever" to "you sound clever"

I've had to plead with the adoption team for years to ask the family if I can have a photo, after 8 years of the adoption team saying "we don't let birth parents have photos" a kind contact coordinator finally agreed to ask the family for me.

The family took a while to decide but agreed I could see a photo. I can't keep it though.

I have to liase with an adoption team in my area and ask that the photo be sent to them so I can go into the office and look at it on a computer screen. Once. That won't happen this year because of covid so I have another year to wait before I can even catch a glimpse of my little boy. I have no idea what he looks like other than the sweet 6 month old face I have in a photo album, taken at our "goodbye contact"

I'm not allowed to send birthday cards or presents because it's a pain for the adoption agency to facilitate.

I have a box here that I save his cards in every year but that's not the point really is it? Imagine being a child and never getting a birthday card from your mum.

I'm not allowed to tell him about his siblings in letters. I talk to them about him all of the time but they must be kept secret.

All of the above is wrapped up as being in his best interests of course, but is it really?

I don't think he'll feel that way later on.

If you were adopted wouldn't you want to know that your 'birth' mother loved you? Would you be happy to only hear from her once a year?

I'm not a criminal and I've never hurt a child or been accused of it. I'm a good person and a good mother. I have the backing of SS here completely, after I approached them when I moved here. The senior manager raised her own concerns about how I was treat by that local authority and couldn't believe the way they work.

AIBU to think the way some birth mothers are treat is appalling? I'm not referring to abusive people or people who neglect their children, but people like me and others who were let down terribly.

I cannot move past the injustice of it all.

I think you have had some really unkind responses. I can’t begin to imagine the pain of having your child taken from you and I’m sorry that happened to you.
You have had some unkind responses. I think sometimes people forget that there is a real person behind the screen and some struggle to accept the reality of situations that are outside of their own realm of experience. Miscarriages of justice do happen.
You might be interested in My Name is Why by Lemn Sissay. When he gained access to his adoption records, he was able to read letters written by his birth mum . It was important to him to find that he was wanted.
I believe he was awarded a settlement from SS.
I have nothing that I can say that is helpful but I did want to say how sad I was to read about the struggles you are having.

@CovoidOfAllHumanity

The problem for me, believe it or not, is that I can see the fall out from both sides and it's not black and white but my judgement on my experience is that more children are harmed by not being removed than by being removed.

I work in mental health
Some of my clients have had children removed. In some cases it was clear that needed to happen. In some cases less so.
Some could have coped if they had better support but there is no money in social care or MH services to do what was needed.
I 100% agree that birth parents are poorly supported and bewildered by the system and that there is very little help to cope with the trauma thereafter. There is a huge need for advocacy. As far as I am able I try to redress that if I can.

But also
Many of my clients MH problems are caused by the abuse and neglect that they themselves experienced as children and the stories are heart rending and incredibly commonplace. Cycles of abuse do perpetuate down generations.
People do have a lack of perspective about their poor parenting and the damage to their children very often. They aren't lying usually they just think that love will overcome all and sadly it doesn't always.

Cases of people harmed by parental
abuse and neglect far outweigh those of people harmed by adoption in my own clinical experience.

I don't lack sympathy for the OP as her experience and I have said that a number of times but I do think that she needs support to cope with the trauma rather than people suggesting that the adoption can or should be undone.

TBF, that all sounds like really reasonable comment.

OTOH, you say yourself your specialism is MH. So maybe you never come across the DV survivors the ones who get away, take a breath and crack in with making a new life for their DC.

OFC, economics and class also feature - so if you have family with a car and petrol who will scoop you and the DC up and take you in or at least safely deliver you to the refuge and lend you a few £, you’re streets ahead of another mum just as capable but without such helpful support.

But I think that you and I agree on all this.

It’s mainly the framing of being a DV survivor as a de facto inadequate parent that’s so very dangerous, and misogynistic.

The documentary is from 2014 though and there was quite a shift in public policy around that time and a big drop in adoption placements in 2015/16

That was due to the high court rulings in Re: B and re: BS which emphasised that adoption is a last resort and should only be ordered when 'nothing else will do' as Baroness Hale said. The rulings were in 2013 but took time to filter through but it's generally acknowledged had a big effect on redressing the balance away from adoption.

@CovoidOfAllHumanity

The documentary is from 2014 though and there was quite a shift in public policy around that time and a big drop in adoption placements in 2015/16

That was due to the high court rulings in Re: B and re: BS which emphasised that adoption is a last resort and should only be ordered when 'nothing else will do' as Baroness Hale said. The rulings were in 2013 but took time to filter through but it's generally acknowledged had a big effect on redressing the balance away from adoption.

That’s good. Thanks for the context.

Scary that public policy works that way isn’t it? It’s scary when it’s education policy or transport policy but truly horrifying that adoption also sways according to the prevailing fashion, and obviously 2013/14/15/16 was much too late for poor OP and her precious boy. That’s tragic.

I have a box here that I save his cards in every year but that's not the point really is it? Imagine being a child and never getting a birthday card from your mum.

I’m sure somebody has pointed this out already, but you are not his mum. He might be your son, but those are two very different relationships. He has a mum.

I was adopted at birth. I have no contact and no information on my biological family. Nor do I want it. They are not my family. My family is the family who raised me.

How the biological relations view me is quite literally none of my business.

Be grateful you are able to have letters and see a photo. Had anybody ever asked that of me as a child I would’ve refused outright.

Adopter here.

I have no doubt social services make mistakes and I am sorry that you were not given more support. From an adopters point of view SS were not wonderful, delays in getting paperwork etc and since adoption granted have received no life story stuff that we were promised etc,

My little ones birth mum was given support and chances by social work and she wasn't able to step up. She had a poor upbringing and no positive role models in her life and went from relationship to relationship.
I met her and felt sorry for her she was not a bad person was just unable to put a child's needs above her own. She has had another child with a different partner and my little one does not know this, partly as I have no info to give her. (I think its likely that child is with the father now as they have split up but not 100 percent sure).
I agreed to letterbox contact 6 years ago when I adopted but I have never received anything from social work so can only presume birth mum does not want to.
My daughter knows she is adopted, she is 8 and has known since I adopted her when she was two. I have told her that her birth mum was not a bad person but was just unable to care for her in the way that a mum should to keep her cared for and safe, which is the case.
This is probably not what you want to hear but she is not that interested at this point in her life. I try and bring it in to conversation if situation is relevant but right now its not something thats important to her. She has a loving family and any mention of a birth mother is just a stranger.
I have no doubt that this might change when she is older and if that is case and she starts to have more interest I will chase social work and ask if birth mother would be willing to send a letter (if my daughter wished this) And when my girl is 18 I will support her in tracing birth family if thats what she wants to do.
But my focus is my child and only her. If birth mother wanted to send cards / letters etc and my child did not wish this then I would not hesitate to say no. Although I might feel sorry that birth mother was struggling I would only care what was best for my girl and nothing else.

I understand that Op has stated that blames social work and not the adoptive parents but to some of other posters who have implied that being an adoptive parent I have stolen a baby or I don't love her as much as a birth mother possibly could. Or that i should provide a baby sitting service for 8 or 10 years until birth parents can reclaim. Or that I am insecure and worried that my child does not see me as her mum. I can assure you I would crawl over broken class every day from now to eternity to keep my baby happy and safe. I tell her ten times a day how loved and wonderful she is. And she tells me every day that she loves me and her dad to the moon and back. I will support her if she wants to meet her birth family when she us older as I am not concerned in anyway what so ever that I will ever be replaced as her MUM.
It is me who sits up with her when she is sick, held her hand on her first day at school and watched her blush as she told me a boy in her class said she was the prettiest girl he had ever seen. (He is so right by the way she is).

To Op I truly hope that your child's adoptive family love him as much as I do my girl.

My sister-in-law is adopted, was adopted from foster care and now in her 40s. Her parents are just that. They are her parents. She never had a desire to make contact with her birth parents. She always knew she was adopted. Her choice. To say her mother is not her 'real' mum would make her really angry.

@RickiTarr

I’m surprised at you using the Cox/Carter case as an example of babies being unfairly stolen, the criminal proceedings may have collapsed, but the finding of Sir James Munby (at the time the most senior family judge in the land) was that there had been no miscarriage of justice.

In his ruling, he said the "constellation of marks and bruises... were inflicted by one or other or both of the birth parents... using unreasonable force".

If you’re serious about furthering the cause of miscarriages of justice in adoption proceedings, stop using that example, it’s doing you no favours.

Just been having a check up of the Cox Carter case and in the end in 2018 they were ruled not to have been the victims of a miscarriage of justice after all.

It was ruled that on the balance of probabilities one or other of them did cause the injuries to their baby.

They were acquitted of criminal charges in 2015 because it was not beyond a reasonable doubt but it was still held that they caused the injuries on the balance of probabilities.

That happens not uncommonly that a ruling is made to the civil standard of proof in the family court but doesn't result in a criminal conviction

Eg the Poppi Worthington case where the father was held on the balance of probabilities to have assaulted her and caused her death in the family courts but not convicted of a criminal offence because of a botched police investigation. Most people think that the miscarriage of justice in that case was of him not being criminally convicted and I guess would support him not having unsupervised contact with his other children wouldn't they?

The Carter Cox case was therefore not open and shut in the way that Webster was in which everyone agreed that they did not harm their child and a terrible injustice was certainly done to them.

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He will read his files, eventually, and see for himself.

Doubtful, very doubtful. Most adopted children aren’t interested in who gave birth to them.

@emilyfrost

He will read his files, eventually, and see for himself.

Doubtful, very doubtful. Most adopted children aren’t interested in who gave birth to them.

That is really not true in most cases

www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-3098468/Blood-chilling-scandal-thousands-babies-stolen-State-TV-agony-aunt-Denise-Robertson-s-spent-years-investigating-says-s-monstrous-injustice-age.html

www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-1308117/I-stolen-mother-The-deeply-disturbing-truth-forced-adoption.html

This sounds tough OP. I can understand why SS were concerned initially though.

29 years ago my mother had me. SS took me away because they were concerned about me and my mother as well as my mother being 17. Also the real issue was my father... She did get me back quite quickly I assume she was lucky.

Were concerns expressed by SS early on the fact that SS removed your child from birth?

@emilyfrost

He will read his files, eventually, and see for himself.

Doubtful, very doubtful. Most adopted children aren’t interested in who gave birth to them.

In my experience as an adoptee, every other adoptee I know or know of (in the hundreds) has wanted to know about their birth family.

That sounds incredibly painful @SpringHasSprung20

PPs suggested making a legal application, I really advise against this. It is so disruptive and damaging to a child that is in a settled family. Please don't do anything that puts you in opposition to his adoptive family.

I hope when he is 18 he seeks you out, and you can show him all the cards you kept and that you were missing him and supporting him from afar every day.

I'm so sorry for what you are going through.

I watched several documentaries about forced adoptions in the UK and I was absolutely horrified that children can be removed from loving parents for what they call 'Risk of future emotional abuse”.

To break the mother and child bond is emotional abuse.

Some of the posts on this thread are really nasty. Like a op said Most posters don't have the skills to really understand what's happened to OP. Suggesting she's needs counselling to deal with her anger, or else she won't be able to have a relationship with her son, should he contact her, because of her resentment, is shocking.

Both my parents are retired SS, dealing with adoption. They saw some cases, handed to them very late on, where there were huge errors and miscarriages of justice.
Most posters simply can't accept that SS is anything other than great with child centred focus. Not always.

The thing is that we only ever get the one side of the story here, and everyone who ever had a child removed will tell you that they were the wronged party and how awful SS are.

But the threshold for removing a child is extremely high, in fact children are generally not removed soon enough.

My DP was removed along with his siblings and placed in foster care when he was 7. His youngest sibling was removed at birth and placed for adoption. But none of this happened before he was abused so badly that he has a life-long disability, and he remembers the physical abuse by both parents, and sexual abuse by his mother. She too was “only a teenager” when he was born, and there is no question that the father was an abuser, but she was no better.

And yet this woman was allowed to go on and have 3 more children after he disappeared from the scene, and she will tell everyone who wants to listen that SS got it wrong, that she was a victim, to the extent that DP’s half sister stood in front of him, telling him, with his visible disability, that nothing ever happened and that her mother was a victim.

The reality here is that the child was likely removed for very valid reasons, even if you can’t or don’t want to see them.

The child’s best interests are crucial here, and given you were deemed not fit to look after him it stands to reason that your involvement should be minimal.

@emilyfrost

He will read his files, eventually, and see for himself.

Doubtful, very doubtful. Most adopted children aren’t interested in who gave birth to them.

Not true, speaking as someone who a) used to work at an adoption charity for many years and b) has a sister who was adopted and who traced our mum when she became an adult

@springhassprung20

I believe everything you have posted, I know ppl who have been treated appallingly by the system.
I believe the system can and do fail ppl. Yes ss do a fantastic job of keeping children safe and providing new homes but they also fail horrendously too. People that won't accept that ss sometimes make very terrible decisions I ridiculously naive.
I think there are some extremely insensitive comments on this thread, really lacking in empathy.
For what's it's worth op I know someone who is adopted and never felt a true connection with her adoptive parents which is awful as they were truly lovely ppl. She contacted her birth mum and they now have a relationship, she is nanny to her lil boy. So there can be different outcomes as each situation is unique. For all the adoptees who don't want to contact their birth mum there are plenty that do. Although there is a possibility that your son may not so I do think you need to prepare for that.
I'm so sorry for the pain you must be going through, I simply cannot imagine my baby being taken from me. It's evil and cruel.
You deserve peace in your life, pls seek out therapy as you need to come to terms with what has happened to live your life to the fullest. I know you will never forget but you do need to draw a line under it for your own mental wellbeing.
I wish you nothing but peace and I hope your son does indeed contact you when he's 18. 🌸 💐

@ Handsoffstrikesagain he has been lucky. He has actually grown up very balanced given what he has been through, although sometimes there are things which point back to his past.

His younger brother however was incredibly troubled, had a very difficult childhood, came out when he was 16, and then went on to lead a very troubled life. Very promiscuous, into hard drugs and alcohol, diagnosed as HIV positive, and eventually it all caught up with him and he died last year. and yet he always maintained a kind of fantasy that they would all be together one day, would all get together in the same place, the four siblings and the three half siblings and that they would all be a family. obviously it was never going to happen, but he really never came to terms with things.

The other brother kind of appears and disappears from time to time. He will get in touch when something significant happens e.g. their brother’s death last year, but they have never met because it’s as if he can’t quite go there, so as soon as they get close enough he backs off again.

Two of the half sisters don’t want to know them. They are firmly on the mother’s side. But the one claims that she wants a relationship with them, but only to make statements such as the one she made last year, at their brother’s funeral of all places, about how none of it happened in the way they said it did and that her mother was an innocent victim.

Fine to think that to oneself, absolutely not ok to say it to the victim of the abuse. I have never met her and I never will. As for the mother, I hope she wrots in hell when the time comes, I believe the father is already there...

Op I cant imagine the nightmare you are living. I'd never thought about letters being edited in this way. I hope you keep the originals incase you are able to meet later in life. Do you know if your ex also writes?

I am struggling to explain how sad I feel for you and can see how much this is ripping you apart. I watched the documentary. I think that gave me a little more understanding of how harrowing losing your baby was for you. I’m so sorry you went through this. I’m so sorry you still are. I’m just so sorry. You sound like a loving and caring mum, who just wants the best for all your children. The compassion and care you show and the way you talk about the adoptive parents for me proves you are telling the truth. I hope one day you can be reunited.