To think the way some birth mothers are treat is appalling

[SpringHasSprung20]

A decade ago when I was still in my teens I had a baby removed from me at birth by social services and put up for adoption against my will.

It wasn't me who was the risk, I was being abused by the father and fought so hard to get away, have him prosecuted and keep my baby. I've posted about my story before.

Fast forward to now I'm approaching 30. I have a family and I'm living on the other side of the country with two subsequent children in my care full time with no SS involvement. I have a good life and haven't spoken to the abusive ex since I left him. I'm a different person. A strong person.

SS never allowed to meet the adoptive parents because I was opposing the adoption.

Do you know what contact I have with my son? One letter per year, due every April but it's usually always months late.

All of my letters are inspected by an adoption social work team before they'll be passed on to the adoptive parents/my son. Protocol. Most years they are sent back to me to edit out parts where I've told him I love him or miss him. I'm not allowed to say that, it's too emotional apparently.

I'm not daft, I know it's not in his best interests for me to be emotional in letters so I never am - but I do want him to know he's loved.

They are pedantic beyond comprehension. One year I had a letter telling me he was doing well in school, in my reply I said I was proud and he's such a clever boy. They sent my letter back and made me change "you are so clever" to "you sound clever"

I've had to plead with the adoption team for years to ask the family if I can have a photo, after 8 years of the adoption team saying "we don't let birth parents have photos" a kind contact coordinator finally agreed to ask the family for me.

The family took a while to decide but agreed I could see a photo. I can't keep it though.

I have to liase with an adoption team in my area and ask that the photo be sent to them so I can go into the office and look at it on a computer screen. Once. That won't happen this year because of covid so I have another year to wait before I can even catch a glimpse of my little boy. I have no idea what he looks like other than the sweet 6 month old face I have in a photo album, taken at our "goodbye contact"

I'm not allowed to send birthday cards or presents because it's a pain for the adoption agency to facilitate.

I have a box here that I save his cards in every year but that's not the point really is it? Imagine being a child and never getting a birthday card from your mum.

I'm not allowed to tell him about his siblings in letters. I talk to them about him all of the time but they must be kept secret.

All of the above is wrapped up as being in his best interests of course, but is it really?

I don't think he'll feel that way later on.

If you were adopted wouldn't you want to know that your 'birth' mother loved you? Would you be happy to only hear from her once a year?

I'm not a criminal and I've never hurt a child or been accused of it. I'm a good person and a good mother. I have the backing of SS here completely, after I approached them when I moved here. The senior manager raised her own concerns about how I was treat by that local authority and couldn't believe the way they work.

AIBU to think the way some birth mothers are treat is appalling? I'm not referring to abusive people or people who neglect their children, but people like me and others who were let down terribly.

I cannot move past the injustice of it all.

@WasThereAplan if you think that ripping a ten year old from their family for “justice for a wronged mother” is ok - then tbh I’m not that surprised you’ve had SS involvement. You’re clearly all about you and not a child’s welfare.

@WasThereAplan

I was once accused of something awful. Made up maliciously by someone in a position of power. Total fabrication yet I nearly lost my child. If it had happened how would it have ever been right for me to have then at any point down the line if I’d had it overturned to not get him back ? The system is wrong and the unscrupulous few ‘professionals’ that abuse safeguarding know this and it can rip families apart

Well, there’s the issue of taking a child who’s already had a less than ideal life experience away from the only family he knows, again?

This is so sad and I can't believe how much they sensor your letters!

When he's 18 he might want to have some more contact with you and you can tell him how you're felt all these years and about yourself and your family. In case that does happen don't give up on writing and keeping his cards because you'll be so glad if it 🤗

You were not fit to parent him at the time because you hadn't at that point got away from your abuser and the SS had no way of knowing if you would have done - many women don't and kids get harmed.

That is one of the most fucked up, victim blaming takes on male violence I have heard. I know it’s not just you @Harriet70 and this is a notion that has some currency with some people but it is an appalling and misogynistic portrayal of how DV works.

“Getting away” takes financial resources and a support network. These are exactly the things the abuser has deliberately and systematically deprived the abused mother of.

An abused mother in those circumstances is a captive and a victim of a horrendous crime, and the mother and children need help to be extracted from the situation TOGETHER, put in a women’s refuge or with family and allowed to heal.

It is an absurdity that a mother be deemed unfit because she is a victim of serious crime. It shouldn’t happen.

Can you imagine if Jaycee Lee Duggard or Elisabeth Fritzl had had their children removed from their care following their rescue? It’s the same. Exactly the same.

If the mother is refusing to take viable escape routes or if the mother has other issues such as serious addiction etc, then that is a different case, but that is not what is being discussed here.

“ You were not fit to parent him at the time because you hadn't at that point got away from your abuser” is anti-women victim-blaming bullshit and we need to start calling this out before it spreads any further.

@Handsoffstrikesagain

wasthereaplan Think properly about what you posted. Do you really believe that?

because I know myself I was lied about and I nearly lost a child wrongly - I know I would have fought and whether it took 2 years or 10 I’d have wanted him back once it was proven I was so lucky it didn’t come to that but it was close and awful

Sorry this is a bit close to home for me I think. I just think it’s important to know these situations can arise and escalate and it is sometimes wrong and parents have not done anything

OP I believe you and I am so sorry this happened to you.

I think if you try any legal manoeuvre, you are right in predicting you’ll make the situation worse, because the adoptive parents will react badly.

Could you try keeping a diary for him, so you can write more fully and freely and one day give it to your boy?

@RickiTarr

OP I believe you and I am so sorry this happened to you.

I think if you try any legal manoeuvre, you are right in predicting you’ll make the situation worse, because the adoptive parents will react badly.

Could you try keeping a diary for him, so you can write more fully and freely and one day give it to your boy?

The only legal right the OP has it to seek financial redress from the authority that facilitated the adoption. Why would the adoptive parents react badly to this?

[quote 2021namechanger]@WasThereAplan if you think that ripping a ten year old from their family for “justice for a wronged mother” is ok - then tbh I’m not that surprised you’ve had SS involvement. You’re clearly all about you and not a child’s welfare.[/quote]
I had ss involvement because i had a disagreement with my child’s nursery over FEES
They overcharged me and I identified it and queried it and the manager argued with me and then had to back down when I took it further
The next week she reported me too ss and said she saw me abusing my child. Totally made up yet she was believed as she was ‘a professional’

Anyway , for the OP I know her situation is very different but I’m highlighting that there are flaws in the system

You were not fit to parent him at the time because you hadn't at that point got away from your abuser” is anti-women victim-blaming bullshit and we need to start calling this out before it spreads any further

I agree with this.

The only legal right the OP has it to seek financial redress from the authority that facilitated the adoption.
Why would the adoptive parents react badly to this?

I was referring to what OP said at the start of the thread about attempting to secure an order for increased contact. Nothing to do with financial recompense. Read her posts.

It’s clear from what she said next that she knows it wouldn’t help but she is clearly feeling wronged and thwarted
and just thinking aloud.

@Hepsie

You were not fit to parent him at the time because you hadn't at that point got away from your abuser” is anti-women victim-blaming bullshit and we need to start calling this out before it spreads any further

I agree with this.

Yes. OP needed support and protection from social services and the police She was failed

@WasThereAplan right - and your child was almost out uo for adoption over it? Really?

[quote 2021namechanger]@WasThereAplan right - and your child was almost out uo for adoption over it? Really?[/quote]
There was a s47 child protection investigation immediately. We had an absolutely dreadful time during which the nursery added more ‘concerns’ it was harrowing

Not being able to leave an abuser is one thing. Choosing not to is quite another - and honestly exactly how things like Baby P happen.

Again - not saying this is the case with the OP!! Bit as from a former role (not social services but I worked in a similar field) horrific abuse does happen due to some people’s absolute inability to see risk.

MissLucyEyelesbarrow

DenisetheMenace
MissLucyEyelesbarrow

I disagree with you.
If a person believes they have been subjected to an injustice they have every right to pursue it legally.
It's not a question of agreement or disagreement. There is no legal mechanism for doing so. You are cruel to pretend to the OP that there is. Her DS is the son of his adopted parents now.

As I have already posted, I am not saying the adoption was the right decision but it is an irreversible one. The OP might conceivably successfully sue SS for violation of her human rights (unlikely to succeed but not impossible) but there is no way that any legal action could give her the right to contact with her son under the current Law. To change this, she would need to convince Parliament to change the Law. That is not impossible, given enough time (though very unlikely) but her DS would be an adult by the time it happened. It is futile to pretend otherwise.“

I would do everything in my power if my child had been subjected to injustice.

Ordinary people have convinced Parliament to change the law. Their efforts were not futile.

@DenisetheMenace if the child has been happily adopted into a happy home - they have t suffered an injustice.

The mother has.

@WasThereAplan

Anyway , for the OP I know her situation is very different but I’m highlighting that there are flaws in the system

It’s inevitable that any system will have flaws. The problem comes when managers or professionals double down and the flaws get “baked in” to the system.

I think certain public sector bodies (not just SW) need to start being more reflective about mistakes and open to examining their practice. I did a piece of work (as an outsider looking in) to do with a famous miscarriage of (criminal) justice and it really made me reflect on these things and notice them much more.

The Cox/Carter case was another haunting one;

www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-surrey-46568046

@MissLucyEyelesbarrow yes exactly.

@Andante57 I actually don't blame the individual SW. There was a whole category of mistakes made and not just by her but it all added up. She wasn't evil, just obviously very inexperienced and improperly supervised, probably hugely overworked too. It's an extremely tough job and one I wouldn't want to do. I'm sure there are great SWs who do help people and do fantastic work helping families. Unfortunately I was unlucky.

What does make me angry across the board is the inability for the professionals to admit and correct mistakes. This is absolutely wrong and needs to change, there needs to be some provision built into the system for this. If there isn't it does become more like a dictatorship entirely dependent on the whim and wishes of individual humans. Criminal and civil courts, for extremely good reason, do not work this way so it seems nonsensical to me that family court does. @WasThereAplan, that's a great example of exactly what I mean.

@BackforGood

What Thesearmsofmine said.

Obviously we don't know you, and we don't know the whole story around your child's adoption with information from all sides, but, overwhelmingly in the many child protection cases I've been involved with over many many years, the birth parents are given so many more chances than I feel is right, or in the best interests of the child.

I haven't voted, but I wouldn't be surprised if people who are saying YABU are commenting from their own experiences. Or the experience of having their adopted child completely emotionally disrupted by the whole contact with birth mother experience they have to go through each year.

I don’t mean to be unsympathetic but I tried to adopt and so I know a little of what goes on. I have met adoptive parents.

It takes a lot for a baby to be forceably removed from it’s mother at that age. It took a lot 10 years ago too when I was going to do it. I imagine you aren’t being truthful and we don’t know the full story of why you lost him. Even your post sounds really selfish - it is all about you and your feelings and there isn’t much consideration about him.

It also takes a lot to adopt in this country. They would have needed to jump through many, many hoops, and the fact that they are facilitating contact to this level suggests they are amazing and love your son very much. You should be happy about that and accept that he has a family, he has a mum, and may never see you and your kids in that way.

By all means write to him but trying to emotionally manipulate him and his family is really wrong. Following the rules for the communication to the letter is the best way you can support him now.