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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think the way some birth mothers are treat is appalling

999 replies

SpringHasSprung20 · 21/02/2021 17:19

A decade ago when I was still in my teens I had a baby removed from me at birth by social services and put up for adoption against my will.

It wasn't me who was the risk, I was being abused by the father and fought so hard to get away, have him prosecuted and keep my baby. I've posted about my story before.

Fast forward to now I'm approaching 30. I have a family and I'm living on the other side of the country with two subsequent children in my care full time with no SS involvement. I have a good life and haven't spoken to the abusive ex since I left him. I'm a different person. A strong person.

SS never allowed to meet the adoptive parents because I was opposing the adoption.

Do you know what contact I have with my son? One letter per year, due every April but it's usually always months late.

All of my letters are inspected by an adoption social work team before they'll be passed on to the adoptive parents/my son. Protocol. Most years they are sent back to me to edit out parts where I've told him I love him or miss him. I'm not allowed to say that, it's too emotional apparently.

I'm not daft, I know it's not in his best interests for me to be emotional in letters so I never am - but I do want him to know he's loved.

They are pedantic beyond comprehension. One year I had a letter telling me he was doing well in school, in my reply I said I was proud and he's such a clever boy. They sent my letter back and made me change "you are so clever" to "you sound clever"

I've had to plead with the adoption team for years to ask the family if I can have a photo, after 8 years of the adoption team saying "we don't let birth parents have photos" a kind contact coordinator finally agreed to ask the family for me.

The family took a while to decide but agreed I could see a photo. I can't keep it though.

I have to liase with an adoption team in my area and ask that the photo be sent to them so I can go into the office and look at it on a computer screen. Once. That won't happen this year because of covid so I have another year to wait before I can even catch a glimpse of my little boy. I have no idea what he looks like other than the sweet 6 month old face I have in a photo album, taken at our "goodbye contact"

I'm not allowed to send birthday cards or presents because it's a pain for the adoption agency to facilitate.

I have a box here that I save his cards in every year but that's not the point really is it? Imagine being a child and never getting a birthday card from your mum.

I'm not allowed to tell him about his siblings in letters. I talk to them about him all of the time but they must be kept secret.

All of the above is wrapped up as being in his best interests of course, but is it really?

I don't think he'll feel that way later on.

If you were adopted wouldn't you want to know that your 'birth' mother loved you? Would you be happy to only hear from her once a year?

I'm not a criminal and I've never hurt a child or been accused of it. I'm a good person and a good mother. I have the backing of SS here completely, after I approached them when I moved here. The senior manager raised her own concerns about how I was treat by that local authority and couldn't believe the way they work.

AIBU to think the way some birth mothers are treat is appalling? I'm not referring to abusive people or people who neglect their children, but people like me and others who were let down terribly.

I cannot move past the injustice of it all.

OP posts:

Crikeycroc · 21/02/2021 22:26

I think I remember your threads from back when you were pregnant with your second child OP. Whilst it would never mend the long term mental health implications of losing a child, I do wonder if you have any legal recourse against the authority that adopted your first child? I imagine the culture of that social services team needs examination.

Brokenheartedmom · 21/02/2021 22:27

I do also think that, regardless of the circumstances and how necessary the adoption of a child is (and sometimes sadly it is very necessary), post adoption support for birth families is absolutely essential. At present it is almost non existent, at least it was in my case. Some parents are so traumatised and devastated by the loss of their child that they seek to replace the child they lost and just have baby after baby who then also go on to get removed. It just feeds an endless cycle unless some intervention happens to help heal the parents and fix the issues that led to the removal in the first place. Just leaving the parents to it helps no one and is potentially actively damaging to any subsequent children they might have.

Obviously many people, as in the OP's case manage to successfully improve their situation and go on to be wonderful parents. Others, like myself, choose to have no more children. But for those who don't have support to change the door is left open for them to go through the same process over and over. The most I ever heard of was 8 children removed from the same parents. That is also a failure on the part of SS in my opinion.

Hepsie · 21/02/2021 22:27

No, because adoption is an absolute last resort. All other options are explored first, including a return to birth parents or approaching members of the birth family who can potentially provide adequate care.

Simon, yes this is what should happen. I can assure you, as someone who works in the system, I have witnessed cases where it doesn't.

Original poster

SpringHasSprung20 · 21/02/2021 22:30

@Hepsie

Simon, yes this is what should happen. I can assure you, as someone who works in the system, I have witnessed cases where it doesn't.

Thank you Hepsie, he thinks he knows it all that one.

OP posts:

MissLucyEyelesbarrow · 21/02/2021 22:32

@secular39

ButtonMoonLoon You sound lovely. What a great adoptive mother your are. It's a shame, I know of many parents, who have had their children adopted at birth, later cease contact and lose interest. But I'm annoyed at some of the posters who are actively encouraging OP to leave her child be.

There is no alternative. Literally.

It's not the same as saying the original decision was right. None of us can really judge that. But there is literally no way that the OP can get more contact through legal action. Be annoyed at the Law, if you want, but don't get annoyed at posters for staring a fact. It doesn't help anyone to pretend the law can offer the OP something it can't.

Crikeycroc · 21/02/2021 22:32

You are forgetting that human beings are fallible. Social workers may intend to be unbiased when determining if ‘adoption is the last resort’ but their decisions are based on subjective judgements so there is room for error.

Crikeycroc · 21/02/2021 22:33

My last comment was aimed at @SimonJT, not sure why the quote didn’t work.

SoulofanAggron · 21/02/2021 22:34

So sorry that hhappened to you.

YANBU. A friend of mine is getting her baby permanently taken off her, because she was in an abusive relationship. She's a CPN. She's no longer with her dodgy ex, hasn't been for over a year.

Social Services didn't like her face, and aren't giving her the opportunity to get her baby back ever again now. And there are all the druggies and all sorts who get another chance. She'll probably lose her job over it too.

Social workers gushed over her charming abuser, claiming that he wasn't a perp (he was.)

They made a number of errors and didn't want to admit they cocked up. Incluuding getting her date of birth wrong so they mistook her for a career criminal. Then I think they didn't want to admit how very wrong they were, so even when they realized and corrected that mistake, they effectively carried on as if she was that person.

The system can be abusive.

My mum was a social worker, but that doesn't mean there aren't some bad social workers.

Some take against someone, decide they're a wrong'un, then the ends justify the means to them, including massive amounts of lies.

Think of the 'Satanic Ritual Abuse' bollox in the 90s. Kids taken off families for them supposedly murdering babies in rituals etc when it wasn't the case.

And I do believe it takes a lot for a child to be removed and adopted out.

@OhCaptain It just takes a social worker not liking someone's face unfortunately. Maybe making stuff up, anything to get the outcome they've decided on.

ifitpleasesandsparkles · 21/02/2021 22:35

I think this is very sad but it doesn't match my experiences. As a PP has said the birth parents usually get a lot of chances and in cases where the woman is in an abusive relationship they are supported to leave in order to keep their child. It is those mothers who refuse to leave the relationship who have their children taken away. Social work are usually clear on this and try to give as much support as possible to get the mother to leave and take her baby with her.

MissLucyEyelesbarrow · 21/02/2021 22:38

@Brokenheartedmom

Absolutely agree with that - it's a huge loss that needs proper support. I hope this doesn't offend anyone whose child has died but, in practical terms, the birth parents have been bereaved, yet there is often no help for them.

And most parents who have children removed are themselves the victims of childhood abuse and trauma.

Mamanchen · 21/02/2021 22:39

I was removed from my birth parents for similar reasons (abusive dad, mum who couldn’t/wouldn’t leave). I was already primary school age though, so I have some memories of my birth family.

I’m not adopted but I was with the same foster carers since I was 12. I stayed after I aged out. I call them mum and dad. They’re my family. I don’t need contact with people who didn’t look after me.

Keep writing to your son. Keep things for him in case he does look one day. It’s different to my situation so he might be curious one day. I hope for you that he does.

At the same time he might be happy and settled with his adoptive parents and not want to find his birth family. This is a GOOD thing. It would be really sad if he spent his whole childhood feeling like he was missing something.

It would be great if birth parents could have more support. I don’t want birth parents to feel abused by the system. I don’t know about all the reasearch about different types of contact but contact should be about the child not what the birth parents or adoptive parents want.

SoulofanAggron · 21/02/2021 22:39

My friend's baby, after 18 months with a foster carer, is going to a relative.

It doesn't make a difference to her in a lot of ways because she still won't be allowed to see her LO until he's 18. The relative is pretty hopeless, she doesn't think the little one will even get a decent diet.

FlorenceandPaul · 21/02/2021 22:41

What on earth are you talking about? Have you even read my posts

Yes ok... 6 months then. You said this ......

He was with his foster carer from birth until 6 months old, he was then moved to his adopters where he remained and the adoption order was finalised later on

So removed from his birth parents, placed into foster care and then placed with adoptive parents at 6 months. Of course the adopters didn’t have the adoption order when he was placed. They would need to go to court for that. But as he was placed in an adopted placement he was placed with his adopted family at 6 months old right?

Anyway I have no idea what you want from this thread, other than increased contact with your DS. It makes no difference whether the child was removed and placed with adopters at 6 months old because the LA “messed up” (only going by what you say because we only have your word for that. It is very unlikely btw). The fact is the child deserves to be brought up in a loving family (which it sounds like he is) without disruption. No court in the land is going to award you increased contact. Even if your new LA supports you, which they won’t - as all LA’s are aware of the Children Act which states “The child’s welfare is paramount”. It makes no difference what YOU want.

He was with his foster carer from birth until 6 months old, he was then moved to his adopters where he remained and the adoption order was finalised later on.

WasThereAplan · 21/02/2021 22:41

@Hepsie

Simon, yes this is what should happen. I can assure you, as someone who works in the system, I have witnessed cases where it doesn't.

Absolutely. It should be a last resort but sadly it’s often the first thought and then things are set up so the criteria to achieve it is met. There are hundreds if not thousands of wronged parents - either victims of dv who needed more support and protection or the very many parents of SEN children of those with ME accused of FII It’s a big problem and for every good honest social worker there’s one with the wrong intentions. Something is wrong with the system

Brokenheartedmom · 21/02/2021 22:42

They made a number of errors and didn't want to admit they cocked up. Incluuding getting her date of birth wrong so they mistook her for a career criminal

@SoulofanAggron this is exactly what happened to me - when I read the paperwork afterwards I realised they had the same name but a completely different birthday and a huge backstory which was completely incorrect. It included entries detailing previous encounters and interventions with SS which had never happened to me. They must have mixed up my case and someone else of the same name. The incorrect birthday would have put my eldest being born when I was about 14 when I was actually in my 20's.

WasThereAplan · 21/02/2021 22:46

@FlorenceandPaul

What on earth are you talking about? Have you even read my posts

Yes ok... 6 months then. You said this ......

He was with his foster carer from birth until 6 months old, he was then moved to his adopters where he remained and the adoption order was finalised later on

He was with his foster carer from birth until 6 months old, he was then moved to his adopters where he remained and the adoption order was finalised later on.

Children adapt. If a child should be returned after wrongful removal or adoption so be it. It would not be right to have a society in which there is no way to put it right when something of this gravity goes wrong - if ss are/were wrong the child should go back to birth parents

2021namechanger · 21/02/2021 22:49

@WasThereAplan right. So you think a stable, supported ten year old should be upheaved from their life to go back to a complete stranger?

Right oh.

You evidently don’t like children very much.

2bazookas · 21/02/2021 22:50

@Emeraldshamrock

He was with his foster carer from birth for 6 months then went straight on to the adoptive family that SS had lined up. The adoption was finalised some time after he was placed with them

Bastards. It is crazy it was finished so quick. I believe they have a small time frame from removal to adoption in the UK.

As we have no idea how long " finalised some time later" was, why assume it was finished so quick? "Finalised" means the adoption order. We're talking about a UK adoption.

You may be confusing the placement in his new family (at 6 months in this case) with their legal adoption order ( by a court). In between the two, in UK, there is normally a long period of settling, adjustment and bonding (for the parents and child) under assessment by social workers. I've never known it to be speedy.

WasThereAplan · 21/02/2021 22:50

[quote 2021namechanger]@WasThereAplan right. So you think a stable, supported ten year old should be upheaved from their life to go back to a complete stranger?

Right oh.

You evidently don’t like children very much.[/quote]
If proven that the removal was wrongful then yes as it is the right thing to do

SimonJT · 21/02/2021 22:50

Children adapt.

They really really don’t.

2021namechanger · 21/02/2021 22:50

So no worries about the welfare of a child then?

LaLaLandIsNoFun · 21/02/2021 22:51

No, it’s too late then.

It’s horribly sad but that’s not ok to do to a child.

Andante57 · 21/02/2021 22:52

Brokenheartedmom
I am so shocked and saddened by your tale.
It’s appalling that there is no recourse to law (with legal aid) when something like this happens.
Presumably the incompetent social workers aren’t sacked or even reprimanded and go on to repeat their mistakes, causing more pain to families.

Hollywolly1 · 21/02/2021 22:52

for you and for your little son and hopefully you will meet one day and most importantly that he will know his mother loved him and thought about him and he will get to meet his siblings also

WasThereAplan · 21/02/2021 22:52

I was once accused of something awful. Made up maliciously by someone in a position of power. Total fabrication yet I nearly lost my child.
If it had happened how would it have ever been right for me to have then at any point down the line if I’d had it overturned to not get him back ? The system is wrong and the unscrupulous few ‘professionals’ that abuse safeguarding know this and it can rip families apart

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