To think the way some birth mothers are treat is appalling

[SpringHasSprung20]

A decade ago when I was still in my teens I had a baby removed from me at birth by social services and put up for adoption against my will.

It wasn't me who was the risk, I was being abused by the father and fought so hard to get away, have him prosecuted and keep my baby. I've posted about my story before.

Fast forward to now I'm approaching 30. I have a family and I'm living on the other side of the country with two subsequent children in my care full time with no SS involvement. I have a good life and haven't spoken to the abusive ex since I left him. I'm a different person. A strong person.

SS never allowed to meet the adoptive parents because I was opposing the adoption.

Do you know what contact I have with my son? One letter per year, due every April but it's usually always months late.

All of my letters are inspected by an adoption social work team before they'll be passed on to the adoptive parents/my son. Protocol. Most years they are sent back to me to edit out parts where I've told him I love him or miss him. I'm not allowed to say that, it's too emotional apparently.

I'm not daft, I know it's not in his best interests for me to be emotional in letters so I never am - but I do want him to know he's loved.

They are pedantic beyond comprehension. One year I had a letter telling me he was doing well in school, in my reply I said I was proud and he's such a clever boy. They sent my letter back and made me change "you are so clever" to "you sound clever"

I've had to plead with the adoption team for years to ask the family if I can have a photo, after 8 years of the adoption team saying "we don't let birth parents have photos" a kind contact coordinator finally agreed to ask the family for me.

The family took a while to decide but agreed I could see a photo. I can't keep it though.

I have to liase with an adoption team in my area and ask that the photo be sent to them so I can go into the office and look at it on a computer screen. Once. That won't happen this year because of covid so I have another year to wait before I can even catch a glimpse of my little boy. I have no idea what he looks like other than the sweet 6 month old face I have in a photo album, taken at our "goodbye contact"

I'm not allowed to send birthday cards or presents because it's a pain for the adoption agency to facilitate.

I have a box here that I save his cards in every year but that's not the point really is it? Imagine being a child and never getting a birthday card from your mum.

I'm not allowed to tell him about his siblings in letters. I talk to them about him all of the time but they must be kept secret.

All of the above is wrapped up as being in his best interests of course, but is it really?

I don't think he'll feel that way later on.

If you were adopted wouldn't you want to know that your 'birth' mother loved you? Would you be happy to only hear from her once a year?

I'm not a criminal and I've never hurt a child or been accused of it. I'm a good person and a good mother. I have the backing of SS here completely, after I approached them when I moved here. The senior manager raised her own concerns about how I was treat by that local authority and couldn't believe the way they work.

AIBU to think the way some birth mothers are treat is appalling? I'm not referring to abusive people or people who neglect their children, but people like me and others who were let down terribly.

I cannot move past the injustice of it all.

[quote 2021namechanger]@TatianaBis sorry if I have misinterpreted. And yes sometimes I do get offended by what people I don’t know say. But like when I get offended when I see a white person say “I have lots of black friends and none of them have ever experienced prejudice as that’s what they’ve told me.”

See I don’t like the owning of someone else’s narrative.[/quote]
I can see that’s how that may be how it may have come across, it wasn’t intentional. I have seen precisely that example of ‘I have black friends and they etc’ - it’s massively irritating. And highly unlikely.

My interest in the subject stems partly from a desire to understand my friends’ experiences, and partly from having gone some way down the adoption route (3 kids of our own). Deciding against in the end for complex reasons but adopting a child whose mother continued to mourn their loss was something that concerned me.

I hope this nc will be allowed. @blueinthesky I was abused physically by my adoptive parents, quite severely, and emotionally neglected, and was sexually abused by one of their friends. So I understand the terror you speak of, mine lasted until I was 16 when the adoption disrupted, and at that point I started to rebuild my life. The intention may be that it gives security, but when it fails to do that, it becomes a secretive prision.

I was adopted at a similar age to your son. I am now the same age as your son.

It is much less confusing for him with limited contact and emotive letters. I used to get the yearly letter (in April-June, once it had been checked) and I would seriously dread it. Because it would bring it all up again and I just wanted to belong to my own, loving family. Not the birth family who I didn't know and didn't want to be a part of.

You were not fit to parent him at the time because you hadn't at that point got away from your abuser and the SS had no way of knowing if you would have done - many women don't and kids get harmed.

Sit tight and if he wants to know you, one day he'll find you. And he probably will because he's got siblings (your kids) and he might be curious, especially to meet them.

Adoptive Mum here

My child has been with me since she was a baby. Ten years on and she is still affected by the abuse she experienced antenatally. Domestic violence causes toxic levels of stress both for the Mother and baby. She too was removed at birth. Lots of supervised contact followed where the capacity of her birth parents to parent her safely and consistently were constantly assessed. These assessments continued for 8 months at which point it was finally concluded that they lacked the capacity to give her what she needed within three timescales necessary for her to thrive and develop in the best way possible.
When she arrived to me I was keen to meet her birth parents, they weren’t together but between them, failed to turn up on three occasions. Each time I’d organised childcare with the one other person my child felt secure with, each time she experienced even more unnecessary disruption so I said maybe they might engage more with letter exchanges. I sent a settling in letter which was never replied to. Every year following I sent a letter, I didn’t include photos because I wanted to meet them first to get a sense of how safe photos would be, but I always included handprints and a picture that my daughter had drawn or painted. She helped to write three letters and ask questions, I was told they liked receiving them but we only ever had two replies. Four years later I was informed they’d add disappeared and were of NFA. I stopped writing at this point as didn’t want letters being delivered to places they didn’t live but I still write them, filing them away in case they ever get back in contact.

My daughter has a memory box which has photos and momentos in it.
Photos from each contact session, gifts and toys they bought her, clothes she wore in photos we have of her with them. She treasures them, and talks about them. On Mother’s Day and Father's Day we think of her birth parents and she likes to say a little prayer for them. On her birthday we talk about how they might be thinking of her.
So what I am trying to express is that they are a big part of her story, but not a big part of her life.

She knows that they loved her, and continue to love her, but that they were unable to take care of her.
Lots of people talk about adoption as being a celebration, but I see it as a tragic incident in a child’s life- yes the child has hope for a bright future and a new start but essentially adoption starts from a place of grief and loss, for everybody involved.
I only wish my daughter’s birth parents wanted to be as involved as you. I’d love it if they wanted to write a few times a year. She only ever had two letters from them. She treasures them and I’m sad for her that that is all that she has. She would like to meet her birth parents and I would happily support her to do so, but the chances of that being possible are very slim being that we have no idea where they are.
Support for birth parents in this country is shockingly poor. To this day I feel strongly that had my daughter’s been better supported, that this would have had a positive impact on things for her now. They were let down by the system and lacked the capacity to assert their rights to proper support.
In your shoes, I think I would write a letter to your post adoption team clearly expressing your views and wishes. I would also escalate things to complaint level if you don’t get a satisfactory response. Local authorities have their own policy for Letterbox Contact so it would be worth trying to track theirs down.

Allthepopularkids but it has to be his choice - he has all the information he needs to make that choice

The OP sees him as her son - but to him she isnt his mother - he has one of those and by all accounts it seems is happy with the family he has. She may well have lost her son unfairly but at the moment he has a family and is well loved and happy. Anything further is not likely at this point to be in his best interests until he is ready to take it further

Anyusernameleft gave a heartfelt beautiful account of why the OP needs to make sure she handles this correctly for her son

*now the same age as you

@secular39

I believe you OP.

I know many young (teen) mothers who have removed their children from birth. I wish at the time you had much more support. I think it's lovely that you still have contact with your son (some birth mothers don't). Having had experience with these types of situations, often the adoptive parents become insecure about their adoptive child receiving contact from their birth parent/s to the point where they limit contact.

I think some of the posters, who have been adopted, may be a tad bit jealous that they probably don't have a birth parent knocking at their door. Harsh but true- and are taking it on you. Not everyone has your best interests. I believe you should continue on fighting for your son- well getting more contact. He will thank you when his older. A letter a year is a joke to be frank.

" think some of the posters, who have been adopted, may be a tad bit jealous that they probably don't have a birth parent knocking at their door. Harsh but true- "

This is so far from being true that it is actually hilarious.

@SpringHasSprung20

I've sat on my hands and considered taking legal action but I truly don't think I would get anywhere as adoption is for life. The best bet I have, which would probably cause the A.F to stop contact completely, is to try and file some motion to change the conditions of our contact agreement to increase the letters perhaps.

To the delightful voters who think I'm unreasonable, please tell me why.

Is it because you've concluded I simply must be a bad person? Is it because, to you, the authorities can do no wrong?

Is it because people like me are collateral and don't matter, only the adoptive families feelings are important?

Some people like to just press the YABU button without any thought.. Its not you - its them.

All you can do is keep trying your best and keep sending the letters. Your son knows about you and I think will definitely try to seek you out once old enough. Keep on social media with the name he knows you by, and without doubt he will be searching for y0u on the internet when able. It won't be forever, but its hard.

Good luck

@SpringHasSprung20

I've sat on my hands and considered taking legal action but I truly don't think I would get anywhere as adoption is for life. The best bet I have, which would probably cause the A.F to stop contact completely, is to try and file some motion to change the conditions of our contact agreement to increase the letters perhaps.

To the delightful voters who think I'm unreasonable, please tell me why.

Is it because you've concluded I simply must be a bad person? Is it because, to you, the authorities can do no wrong?

Is it because people like me are collateral and don't matter, only the adoptive families feelings are important?

Some people like to just press the YABU button without any thought.. Its not you - its them.

All you can do is keep trying your best and keep sending the letters. Your son knows about you and I think will definitely try to seek you out once old enough. Keep on social media with the name he knows you by, and without doubt he will be searching for y0u on the internet when able. It won't be forever, but its hard.

Good luck

@SpringHasSprung20

I've sat on my hands and considered taking legal action but I truly don't think I would get anywhere as adoption is for life. The best bet I have, which would probably cause the A.F to stop contact completely, is to try and file some motion to change the conditions of our contact agreement to increase the letters perhaps.

To the delightful voters who think I'm unreasonable, please tell me why.

Is it because you've concluded I simply must be a bad person? Is it because, to you, the authorities can do no wrong?

Is it because people like me are collateral and don't matter, only the adoptive families feelings are important?

Some people like to just press the YABU button without any thought.. Its not you - its them.

All you can do is keep trying your best and keep sending the letters. Your son knows about you and I think will definitely try to seek you out once old enough. Keep on social media with the name he knows you by, and without doubt he will be searching for y0u on the internet when able. It won't be forever, but its hard.

Good luck

@SpringHasSprung20

I've sat on my hands and considered taking legal action but I truly don't think I would get anywhere as adoption is for life. The best bet I have, which would probably cause the A.F to stop contact completely, is to try and file some motion to change the conditions of our contact agreement to increase the letters perhaps.

To the delightful voters who think I'm unreasonable, please tell me why.

Is it because you've concluded I simply must be a bad person? Is it because, to you, the authorities can do no wrong?

Is it because people like me are collateral and don't matter, only the adoptive families feelings are important?

Some people like to just press the YABU button without any thought.. Its not you - its them.

All you can do is keep trying your best and keep sending the letters. Your son knows about you and I think will definitely try to seek you out once old enough. Keep on social media with the name he knows you by, and without doubt he will be searching for y0u on the internet when able. It won't be forever, but its hard.

Good luck

*Treated

I can't believe what you have been through. I really hope you will find peace one day and be reunited with your son.

I have always acknowledged that my son wouldn't have been safe with me in the situation I was in with his bio father.

That was why I didn't oppose him going into foster care in the beginning. It was the adoption I opposed.

I've never been in denial about the risk my ex posted to me and my son, it was the driving factor for me asking SS to support me relocating.

After I moved away, some years after, I fell pregnant with the man I'm with now. I approached SS (encouraged by some kind MNers) and underwent an assessment. The outcome was no involvement nessecary and one of the deciding factors in that decision was the amount of insight I had into my circumstances back then.

That might not come across from my posts as I'm speaking about the injustice birth mothers face as people, stigmatized and given crumbs by way of contact, but I never downplayed the risk.

I was abused, in every way possible by the man I was with, but me and my son went on to be abused by that local authority too.

For those who asked, I have had counselling yes. I have a diagnosis of CPTSD that isn't going to go away, despite EMDR therapy, CBT and textbook counselling.

They ruined my life and my son could possibly have his ruined too should he ever choose to look at his file.

A huge part of me prays he wants to meet me some day but another part of me is frightened that he's going to crumble when he realises things aren't all they seem.

ButtonMoonLoon You sound lovely. What a great adoptive mother your are. It's a shame, I know of many parents, who have had their children adopted at birth, later cease contact and lose interest. But I'm annoyed at some of the posters who are actively encouraging OP to leave her child be.

The pain of having your child taken from you permanently is unfathomable. I am so sorry you have to experience this loss.

I find the concept of ‘parallel planning’ unsettling - surely it would be very vulnerable to bias. If the social worker is aware that there are two nice, financially comfortable 30+ year old adoptive parents ready and waiting they are bound to be less inclined to support the child being returned to a teenaged mother with few resources?

@GoodAsMyWord

Op, am I right in thinking that you have told your two younger children, who must be very young indeed, that you had a child taken from you against your will? Would that not be an extremely unsettling thing for them to hear? How could they understand that that won't also happen to them?

No of course not.

They are too young.

They know they have a brother that lives with another family but not why.

They know who he is, that he's their brother and that he's a happy little boy that likes X Y & Z.

They're secure and not worried about being taken away.

I don't think BM's should be stigmatized.
I advocated for the removal of dc from parents who I liked, who I think of fondly decades later.
They were smart, funny, I enjoyed their company. They weren't safe or fit parents at that time though.

The contact issue is different because that should be about what is in the best interest of the child, not the birth or adoptive parents.

For some dc in some situations more open adoptions can work well, for others it would be a disaster.

Like a lot of parenting there isn't one simple solution that works for every child.

That doesn't mean that the pain that OP is feeling isn't very real or that the adoptive parents won't experience pain either during this journey.

I really hope you find peace, continue with the letters, I've no doubt you'll meet him when he is older as he already aware of you and has had contact.
This is down to his new mum too.
His siblings will be a surprise.
You can't have enough people who love you in your life.
I hope there is some kind of redress around SS and forced adoption for people in your situation in the future.

@Crikeycroc

The pain of having your child taken from you permanently is unfathomable. I am so sorry you have to experience this loss.

I find the concept of ‘parallel planning’ unsettling - surely it would be very vulnerable to bias. If the social worker is aware that there are two nice, financially comfortable 30+ year old adoptive parents ready and waiting they are bound to be less inclined to support the child being returned to a teenaged mother with few resources?

No, because adoption is an absolute last resort. All other options are explored first, including a return to birth parents or approaching members of the birth family who can potentially provide adequate care.

@Quartz2208

Allthepopularkids but it has to be his choice - he has all the information he needs to make that choice

The OP sees him as her son - but to him she isnt his mother - he has one of those and by all accounts it seems is happy with the family he has. She may well have lost her son unfairly but at the moment he has a family and is well loved and happy. Anything further is not likely at this point to be in his best interests until he is ready to take it further

Anyusernameleft gave a heartfelt beautiful account of why the OP needs to make sure she handles this correctly for her son

This isn't exactly right. The idea of only letterbox until 18 and then the 18 year old can decide isn't informed at all by research. Research supports direct contact with birth family in many cases, and is the norm in many countries.

@ncallowedihope

I hope this nc will be allowed. *@blueinthesky* I was abused physically by my adoptive parents, quite severely, and emotionally neglected, and was sexually abused by one of their friends. So I understand the terror you speak of, mine lasted until I was 16 when the adoption disrupted, and at that point I started to rebuild my life. The intention may be that it gives security, but when it fails to do that, it becomes a secretive prision.

I am so, so sorry.

I don't want to patronize you but your post has made me cry and just want to hug you.

I hope you have found peace in your life