To think the way some birth mothers are treat is appalling

[SpringHasSprung20]

A decade ago when I was still in my teens I had a baby removed from me at birth by social services and put up for adoption against my will.

It wasn't me who was the risk, I was being abused by the father and fought so hard to get away, have him prosecuted and keep my baby. I've posted about my story before.

Fast forward to now I'm approaching 30. I have a family and I'm living on the other side of the country with two subsequent children in my care full time with no SS involvement. I have a good life and haven't spoken to the abusive ex since I left him. I'm a different person. A strong person.

SS never allowed to meet the adoptive parents because I was opposing the adoption.

Do you know what contact I have with my son? One letter per year, due every April but it's usually always months late.

All of my letters are inspected by an adoption social work team before they'll be passed on to the adoptive parents/my son. Protocol. Most years they are sent back to me to edit out parts where I've told him I love him or miss him. I'm not allowed to say that, it's too emotional apparently.

I'm not daft, I know it's not in his best interests for me to be emotional in letters so I never am - but I do want him to know he's loved.

They are pedantic beyond comprehension. One year I had a letter telling me he was doing well in school, in my reply I said I was proud and he's such a clever boy. They sent my letter back and made me change "you are so clever" to "you sound clever"

I've had to plead with the adoption team for years to ask the family if I can have a photo, after 8 years of the adoption team saying "we don't let birth parents have photos" a kind contact coordinator finally agreed to ask the family for me.

The family took a while to decide but agreed I could see a photo. I can't keep it though.

I have to liase with an adoption team in my area and ask that the photo be sent to them so I can go into the office and look at it on a computer screen. Once. That won't happen this year because of covid so I have another year to wait before I can even catch a glimpse of my little boy. I have no idea what he looks like other than the sweet 6 month old face I have in a photo album, taken at our "goodbye contact"

I'm not allowed to send birthday cards or presents because it's a pain for the adoption agency to facilitate.

I have a box here that I save his cards in every year but that's not the point really is it? Imagine being a child and never getting a birthday card from your mum.

I'm not allowed to tell him about his siblings in letters. I talk to them about him all of the time but they must be kept secret.

All of the above is wrapped up as being in his best interests of course, but is it really?

I don't think he'll feel that way later on.

If you were adopted wouldn't you want to know that your 'birth' mother loved you? Would you be happy to only hear from her once a year?

I'm not a criminal and I've never hurt a child or been accused of it. I'm a good person and a good mother. I have the backing of SS here completely, after I approached them when I moved here. The senior manager raised her own concerns about how I was treat by that local authority and couldn't believe the way they work.

AIBU to think the way some birth mothers are treat is appalling? I'm not referring to abusive people or people who neglect their children, but people like me and others who were let down terribly.

I cannot move past the injustice of it all.

I believe you should continue on fighting for your son- well getting more contact.

Two things to understand about the Law:

1. You can only successfully sue people/organisations if they break the law.
2. A court can only grant a remedy that the law allows them.

If the OP attempts to sue for more contact, she will fail on both counts.

1. Whatever they may have done in the past, Social Services are not acting unlawfully now by restricting her contact, as her DS has been adopted.

1. Even if a court thought that original decision to approve the adoption was wrong, the current law does not allow them to undo it or to give away any of the adoptive parents' rights, including by allowing the OP more contact.

So the judge could decide that she believed the OP 100% and that the adoption should never have gone ahead but, even then, she could not grant the OP more contact.

about how authorities shouldn't have to suggest or support vulnerable teenage girls in leaving an abusive relationship.

We do (or at least should) support teens with this. And signpost them for help if we can't. And quite rightly so.

Your experience is heartbreaking.

My friend's child is adopted and he gets cards from his birth mother saying things like "no matter what, I'm still your mummy". It upsets my friend to see this as she feels it is a bit undermining BUT, she does think it is better than the alternative (no contact or being told your birth mother never cared about you). It does show how much the rules vary from district to district though if you can't even say you love him. That seems unnecessarily harsh. Is it SS asking for the edits to your letters or the adoptive parents?

The adoption process is so difficult for parents on both sides, birth and adoptive. No advice, OP, but I hope that your son is ok and that he has a good life.

@IDKNABYBIF22

It sounds really painful for you, but as an adopted person, I think it would have been really confusing to have contact with my birth family as a child.

Imagine being a child and never getting a birthday card from your mum.

He's got a mum.

If you were adopted wouldn't you want to know that your 'birth' mother loved you? Would you be happy to only hear from her once a year?

I want any contact with my birth family. I have a family who love me, and never felt like I needed more.

I completely agree with this. I'm adopted too, adopted from birth. My sister is also adopted - from a different birth family.

Neither of us have made any efforts to find our birth mothers - why would we, we have a family who love us and we have a mum.

My birth mother is not my mum.

I'm glad that when we were adopted the adoptions were "closed", it means that there has never been any confusion in our lives - our parents that brought us up, are our parents. No letter box contact, no calls, no visits.

@2021namechanger goodness, I missed that. Who said it?

Dim doesn't even begin to cover it. Hopelessly out of their depth as well.

There is an awful lot missing from your post OP. I have worked with some wonderful social workers - and some dreadful social workers. But there is no way would a child be removed from his parents, placed with foster carers and then adopted in the space of 5 months!

What on earth are you talking about? Have you even read my posts?

He was with his foster carer from birth until 6 months old, he was then moved to his adopters where he remained and the adoption order was finalised later on.

Nobody has claimed the adoption order was done within 7 months

Also there's nothing missing from my post. I have been extremely open to my detriment. I know what happened, thanks. I was there.

Social services here, in London, have gone over the court bundle in its entirety. No stone was left unturned.

They concluded the way that local authority handled the case was appalling.

Jesus Christ.

I think I'm done here, the ignorance is astounding. Truly.

Thank you everybody x

@IsThisNews I am so glad I didn't receive letters like that growing up from my birth parents. I can't imagine the diet of dissonance that would cause for a child. Really horrible.

Excellent posts, MissLucyEyelesbarrow, especially about it hardly being kind to encourage OP to lawyer up when the most she'd ever get is an apology - and even then only if it's warranted, and after years of further distress.
Ditto the thing about PPs being "sure" he'll contact OP when older. He may or he may not, but while it's a nice thing to think of (and wise to prepare just in case) it seems a bit cruel to hold out something which can never be a certainty

It couldn't be clearer that OP's gone through a hideous experience and for that she needs and deserves help, but I'd suggest there are better ways to get it than hanging on to false hope

Dear OP,

I am so saddened to read about of hurt, pain & frustration with what must have been hugely traumatic for you when you were only a child. I presume that you did not have any family support that would have helped keep your baby as it seemed there was only one option available to you & the injustice of that is heart rendering.

I was adopted at 3 months old and have since met my birth mother (BM). My adoptive family are wonderful, loving & caring & I had a very happy stable comfortable contented childhood. I always knew I was adopted, long before I knew the significance of it... I guess I was about 8 years old or so before I understood quite what it meant. My ideas in my childhood of my BM were much like wonderment & daydreaming, imagination kind of fantasy stuff. I would have had no inkling or sense of any trauma or bonds broken - nor should I have, not as a young child. I had everything a child could need - not spoiled as I certainly did not get everything I wanted! I had my lovely parents & DSs and DB who probably fairly soon had forgotten I was even adopted. I occasionally have to remind them & only when questions of health arise, in the context of genetics.

My adoption was before the time when contact was an option, so there were no cards, letters, photos to share. I met my BM in adulthood soon after my marriage and I already had my own DC. My BM is a lovely person from a good family but she was quite young when I was born & the only option for her at the time was to place me for adoption. I understand the circumstances & her inability to do anything else at the time.

Early on when I met her she said that when I was young she had wanted to find me, establish contact, tell me that she had wanted to keep me... and my reaction was relief that she hadn't. My little world would not have understood, I would not have coped with such emotion, I think it would have made me unsure & worried. Since I have met her, which is a quite some time ago now, we have established a good relationship but I do have to withdraw myself from her need at times. She can be quite manipulative, not in an intentional abusive way to be clear, but in her need to reflect on events, her loss, how it affected her adult life & relationships, her desire to have me as her child & often to tell me things that I feel are not appropriate in that she unburdens & is happy to let it sit with me. She insists she wants me to know that I was loved. And I tell her again & again, I was loved, I had a wonderful family, a wonderful childhood, I was and am very happy.

My BM , I know, is disappointed in some way that I didn't long for her, feel like I was missing out, want to run away to find her,... things that would have, had I felt them, caused me to be an unhappy young child. I can sympathise with her trauma & hurt but I am not a continuation of it - it is not my trauma & hurt. I know that I am very fortunate as I know from other adoptees that not all share my feeling on this. My BM is happy & relieved (after many years of knowing nothing about me) that my childhood was happy & my life is a good one, but a little piece of her wanted some long lost child that was waiting to be found. She has said as much & I understand it is a natural emotion of BMs,

I guess what I am trying to say OP, is that you have laid the ground work in working to keep contact alive, your son knows you are out there somewhere - he will in time turn 18 & can then decide to meet you & you can take things from there. I know it is not what you want and your need for more is clear from your post & it is entirely understandable. But it may not be the best thing for him. And what is best for him should be & must be the dominating force in all of this. Too much too young & too soon could complicate his life. And try to find your peace with it before the meeting time comes.

I am glad to have met my BM, happy to have a relationship with her, but her need to have me as her child can be difficult... for me. Her continuous reminding that I am her child can cause me annoyance at times - I wish I could give examples but it could possibly be outing. I often feel she wants centre stage - for example she doesn't understand how all my friends, colleagues etc don't know I am adopted - it is like she wants acknowledgment from everyone not just me. The friends I grew up with do. But I live somewhere else now..not all newer friends do, you share less with some & definitely I don't share everything with work colleagues. Put simply because it is not my defining thing... I am an adult, well grounded & well adjusted but if I were not, her emotions could be overpowering. My needs & hers are not the same.

OP, I hope it goes well for you with your son in the future...he will be glad of your love for him but be careful your need doesn't overwhelm... best of luck.

@MissLucyEyelesbarrow true, but then again it might help OP with some closure.

@SpringHasSprung20

Simon I'm sensing alot of projection in your posts. I can understand why, to an extent, given what you said in an earlier post about your DC' birth parents, but their case could not be more different to mine.

I will reply to the last post of yours I have just read but then I'm not going to read any further ones.

If a parent only starts taking action the child is at the point of removal that is worrying. Someone raising a child should be taking active steps to improve their situation, it shouldn’t need to he suggested by professionals

You are deliberately choosing to ignore parts of my posts that don't suit your narrative.

I was taking 'active steps' as you put it from when I was 13 weeks pregnant when I confided in my midwife that I was being abused.

Social services got involved and instructed us both to take parenting classes together

The abuse ramped up so at 20 weeks pregnant I asked for a private meeting with the social services to ask for their support by way of giving me permission to move 250 miles away from the father

I asked for their input because they were currently assessing me and had made it a requirement that I attend local parenting classes and comply with the assessment.

The social worker told me not to relocate because it will disrupt the assessment

I asked whether they were going to remove my baby, I was told no

I did as I was told and carried on going to the parenting classes, which I had to source myself by the way, and could only find ones tailored to older children which were in no way relevant to a newborn. It was a requirement I attended anyway.

I found out at 36 weeks pregnant they were planning to take me to court and remove him at birth, this was the first I had heard of anything of the sort.

I was stuck there about to give birth

I went into labour soon after.

My son was taken, citing risk of emotional harm (due to father) and my inability to protect him.

I moved into a refuge immediately after he was taken.

At no point did any social worker tell, imply or insinuate that I should leave.

With respect, please stop posting as I'm finding your replies quite upsetting.

Also, I cannot believe that as an adoptive parent you are sitting there saying that if a teenage girl is pregnant and being abused - social services "shouldn't need to suggest they leave" the abuser.

So they should just remove the children of every woman/girl going through domestic abuse then?

Do you know anything about abuse?

OF COURSE victims need support, not least if they're 18 years old and alone with just the abuser.

Nobody, least of all professionals designated to HELP, should suggest victims leave or support them to.

You're talking out of your arse mate.

It's also gutting to see another poster refer to birth mothers as just incubators, rest assured that is exactly how I feel.

Just a fucking incubator, with nothing left of my child beyond the stretchmarks I got when carrying him.

I'm actually glad I have them, as strange as it sounds, it's proof he existed and was mine at one point.

I'm heartened to hear from some lovely adoptive mothers on here though. Thank you for what you do for those children.

@SpringHasSprung20 I am so sorry about some of these posts. Please don't take them personally, please don't get upset about it, please don't let it change the way you see things or do things. Some adoptees do feel grief for biological parents terribly, some adopters do in fact want and seek more contact with birth parents. I think there are three issues here:

1 - your ds - the arrangment about photographs is because the adoptive parent does not know you and so needs to err on the side of caution - but they have indicated positive things in that they have sent you a letter from your ds. It sounds as though the letterbox arrangement is poorly done (the idea that you shouldn't say you love the child is outdated, I think) can you get some good legal advice about what you can do to change how things are done, possibly finding out if the adoptive family are amenable to a different arrangment in relation to contact? I realise that you are worried about getting their backs up as that is what other adopters say, but it might be that there are ways of finding out if they agree that the current arrangements are not in the best interest of the child. They may or may not.

1. Your feelings - it sounds as though you do get the support you need in real life? I can absolutely understand the torment you feel, I think most parents would be able to understand.

1. Your post is about how birth parents are treated - I think social workers do a very necessary job but there are many things about social work practice which could improve, I think that most people would agree with that. What you have described is particularly awful, but I think that even where children do need to be removed, far more could be done for the benefit of both child and parents. It is acknowledged also that adoption policy needs review, especially around contact.

@SimonJT you really should be reading the posts more carefully. I have a child protection social worker in my family, decades of experience, and what has been written here is more than possible, because a social worker can form a subjective view that the child would be better off somewhere else (possibly because OP was a teen) and they could then have employed an "allow to fail" process - ie it does happen. I have a great deal of respect for social services, but there are some very serious flaws in practice. Courts have also said similar things. Sometimes a child is allowed to stay in a situation they shouldn't. Sometimes the opposite happens. Whatever view you take, you should give someone the courtesy of reading their posts carefully before posting, and being respectful in what you post and be aware of the limits of your own understanding. In terms of the best interest of the child, in many cases it would be better to help the birth family. Children in long term fostering will sometimes do very well.

All the best op. I'm so sorry that happened to you

@SpringHasSprung20
What do you think should happen? What is your goal/end game?

you could be psychotic, deranged, a drug abuser, dangerous.

She'd be rather unlikely to be a resident Mum to other children, one with a disability if she was.

And SS could inform the adoptive parents of her circumstances.

Some ridiculous comments itt.

Can I ask have you had any counselling? It's just that it is normal behaviour to play down circumstances and danger in times of stress. I found that I didn't consider myself abused until I went through counselling and properly addressed past experiences and I now recognise just how bad things were. It is possible that SS saw far more danger in your circumstances than you were able to see - because your brain protected you from it if that makes sense. I also wonder that the fact that you asked whether you should leave fed into their narrative that you weren't able to care for your son, as they wanted to see you make the right choices without their say so. I think this is maybe what Simon was trying to say poorly. I do think support and understanding for victims of abuse has improved in recent years. I hope I don't sound critical - just thinking that if you can come to a place of understanding why decisions were made, it may help you to move to a better place for the future. Hopefully a future that will involve your son.

Bluetoybox I think your in cloud cuckoo land.

@Allthepopularkids but she won’t. Unless he chooses for her to when he’s old enough. Nothing is going to change that.

[quote CovidHalloween]@MissLucyEyelesbarrow true, but then again it might help OP with some closure.[/quote]
Taking futile legal action does the exact opposite. It's a form of denial that delays closure.

I am not saying the OP shouldn't consider a complaint against SS for the original decision, if she thinks that will help her find closure. But I am saying she is 100% guaranteed to fail at any attempt to get more contact by suing.

@SpringHasSprung20

A decade ago when I was still in my teens I had a baby removed from me at birth by social services and put up for adoption against my will.

It wasn't me who was the risk, I was being abused by the father and fought so hard to get away, have him prosecuted and keep my baby. I've posted about my story before.

Fast forward to now I'm approaching 30. I have a family and I'm living on the other side of the country with two subsequent children in my care full time with no SS involvement. I have a good life and haven't spoken to the abusive ex since I left him. I'm a different person. A strong person.

SS never allowed to meet the adoptive parents because I was opposing the adoption.

Do you know what contact I have with my son? One letter per year, due every April but it's usually always months late.

All of my letters are inspected by an adoption social work team before they'll be passed on to the adoptive parents/my son. Protocol. Most years they are sent back to me to edit out parts where I've told him I love him or miss him. I'm not allowed to say that, it's too emotional apparently.

I'm not daft, I know it's not in his best interests for me to be emotional in letters so I never am - but I do want him to know he's loved.

They are pedantic beyond comprehension. One year I had a letter telling me he was doing well in school, in my reply I said I was proud and he's such a clever boy. They sent my letter back and made me change "you are so clever" to "you sound clever"

I've had to plead with the adoption team for years to ask the family if I can have a photo, after 8 years of the adoption team saying "we don't let birth parents have photos" a kind contact coordinator finally agreed to ask the family for me.

The family took a while to decide but agreed I could see a photo. I can't keep it though.

I have to liase with an adoption team in my area and ask that the photo be sent to them so I can go into the office and look at it on a computer screen. Once. That won't happen this year because of covid so I have another year to wait before I can even catch a glimpse of my little boy. I have no idea what he looks like other than the sweet 6 month old face I have in a photo album, taken at our "goodbye contact"

I'm not allowed to send birthday cards or presents because it's a pain for the adoption agency to facilitate.

I have a box here that I save his cards in every year but that's not the point really is it? Imagine being a child and never getting a birthday card from your mum.

I'm not allowed to tell him about his siblings in letters. I talk to them about him all of the time but they must be kept secret.

All of the above is wrapped up as being in his best interests of course, but is it really?

I don't think he'll feel that way later on.

If you were adopted wouldn't you want to know that your 'birth' mother loved you? Would you be happy to only hear from her once a year?

I'm not a criminal and I've never hurt a child or been accused of it. I'm a good person and a good mother. I have the backing of SS here completely, after I approached them when I moved here. The senior manager raised her own concerns about how I was treat by that local authority and couldn't believe the way they work.

AIBU to think the way some birth mothers are treat is appalling? I'm not referring to abusive people or people who neglect their children, but people like me and others who were let down terribly.

I cannot move past the injustice of it all.

I'm so sorry, yes it is appalling - and archaic.

Children need to know their origins, the good and the bad, in order to thrive.

As for the mothers, as you rightly point out, you did nothing wrong. Your baby was abducted by the state and that is a terrible thing.

On the whole our laws do not serve the vulnerable.

I'm so sorry.

@SpringHasSprung20

I imagine if you had left the situation, or made steps to, then you would not have had him taken away. It was not social services role to help you, only to protect your child

I wanted to leave at 20 weeks pregnant and asked my social worker to support me in doing so, support meaning give me the go ahead that it wasn't going to cause problems with them as they were assessing. I was good to go.

She told me not to relocate because it would disrupt their assessment.

The same woman told me they weren't looking to remove my baby.

They set me up to fail.

I believe you

Op, am I right in thinking that you have told your two younger children, who must be very young indeed, that you had a child taken from you against your will? Would that not be an extremely unsettling thing for them to hear? How could they understand that that won't also happen to them?

@secular39 and why is that?

@Allthepopularkids
It isn't going to happen when he is under 18 for all of the well informed reasons already mentioned here.