To think the way some birth mothers are treat is appalling

[SpringHasSprung20]

A decade ago when I was still in my teens I had a baby removed from me at birth by social services and put up for adoption against my will.

It wasn't me who was the risk, I was being abused by the father and fought so hard to get away, have him prosecuted and keep my baby. I've posted about my story before.

Fast forward to now I'm approaching 30. I have a family and I'm living on the other side of the country with two subsequent children in my care full time with no SS involvement. I have a good life and haven't spoken to the abusive ex since I left him. I'm a different person. A strong person.

SS never allowed to meet the adoptive parents because I was opposing the adoption.

Do you know what contact I have with my son? One letter per year, due every April but it's usually always months late.

All of my letters are inspected by an adoption social work team before they'll be passed on to the adoptive parents/my son. Protocol. Most years they are sent back to me to edit out parts where I've told him I love him or miss him. I'm not allowed to say that, it's too emotional apparently.

I'm not daft, I know it's not in his best interests for me to be emotional in letters so I never am - but I do want him to know he's loved.

They are pedantic beyond comprehension. One year I had a letter telling me he was doing well in school, in my reply I said I was proud and he's such a clever boy. They sent my letter back and made me change "you are so clever" to "you sound clever"

I've had to plead with the adoption team for years to ask the family if I can have a photo, after 8 years of the adoption team saying "we don't let birth parents have photos" a kind contact coordinator finally agreed to ask the family for me.

The family took a while to decide but agreed I could see a photo. I can't keep it though.

I have to liase with an adoption team in my area and ask that the photo be sent to them so I can go into the office and look at it on a computer screen. Once. That won't happen this year because of covid so I have another year to wait before I can even catch a glimpse of my little boy. I have no idea what he looks like other than the sweet 6 month old face I have in a photo album, taken at our "goodbye contact"

I'm not allowed to send birthday cards or presents because it's a pain for the adoption agency to facilitate.

I have a box here that I save his cards in every year but that's not the point really is it? Imagine being a child and never getting a birthday card from your mum.

I'm not allowed to tell him about his siblings in letters. I talk to them about him all of the time but they must be kept secret.

All of the above is wrapped up as being in his best interests of course, but is it really?

I don't think he'll feel that way later on.

If you were adopted wouldn't you want to know that your 'birth' mother loved you? Would you be happy to only hear from her once a year?

I'm not a criminal and I've never hurt a child or been accused of it. I'm a good person and a good mother. I have the backing of SS here completely, after I approached them when I moved here. The senior manager raised her own concerns about how I was treat by that local authority and couldn't believe the way they work.

AIBU to think the way some birth mothers are treat is appalling? I'm not referring to abusive people or people who neglect their children, but people like me and others who were let down terribly.

I cannot move past the injustice of it all.

As a mother, my heart goes out to you for the pain you are experiencing. I do believe children’s social care services do get it wrong but I also know some parents are notoriously badly at assessing the risks to their own children. However, objectively and taking emotion out of it, I’m surprised how much your posts are focused on you. You deserve help and support for your feelings but please consider the impact on this young child too. His emotional needs should be the most important. Your needs matter too but focusing solely on them are missing the point. You need help unpicking those feelings but more contact/letters isn’t going to help you. Won’t you just want more? It would be completely understandable if you did. You need to consider whether it’ll help your child.

@Allthepopularkids

There is a wealth of information on google if you simple type in “attachment and adoption”.

I believe you OP.

I was in a similar position except my children were older and very much know who I am - they fully remember their life with me.

We had 4 different social workers, the first three lost important paperwork which was never seen again. The last one, who made the recommendation for removal, was an unsupervised trainee who was younger than me and still at uni.

I found out after everything was concluded that there were several advocacy and support services I could have used but I was never even told about them so I had to go through every meeting alone. Meetings where I was berated and bullied so badly by the people in question I would leave every session in floods of tears.

I discovered upon reading their paperwork afterwards (I was not given access to this during proceedings) that there were huge important factual errors. Some were gross exaggerations and other were just 100% incorrect. I couldn't believe it when I read it and genuinely believe to this day that there was a case of mistaken identity but this unfortunately was not picked up until after everything was concluded.

In the end I was extremely fortunate and my children are with family members so I have contact but I have several stress related medical conditions, PTSD and horrific nightmares to this day as a result of this whole experience. SS could not have given less of a shit.

It will never ever leave me. I will never recover from this. I will never get that time with my children back. The only thing I can do is try and be the best mother I can to them now and try to do the best I can going forward. I was very bitter and angry for a long time but I came to realise that holding on to all that hurt doesn't do me or my children any good. I know, and my children know, that they were in the wrong. Fighting them now would only serve to prove to them that I am 'unstable' and 'vindictive' and care more about being right than about the children being settled and safe - so I have to just let it be.

I really wish you the best OP. A memory box is a lovely idea and I am doing a similar thing and writing a journal for my dc's to have when they get older.

A vast amount of the legal processes are heavily reliant on social work assessments and reports, which can frequently be piss poor and signed off without thorough investigation due to large caseloads and many other factors. The courts and guardians will be heavily guided by social work recommendations. Of course there are legal processes but a social worker’s (no matter how competent) word is taken as factual and can be hard to challenge. Frustratingly, other professionals disputing contents of assessments are often ignored too.

Obviously there are really great social workers, I know many, but I think individuals ( especially the great social workers) need to speak up more about the reality of how some cases are handled so that things can change and improve.

I have a friend who was brought up in long term foster care and I don't really understand why as she was there from being a small child (her mum died and her father couldn't care for her). She would easily have been adopted and she really really wishes that she was.

Her foster family had bio kids and also short term foster placements who came and went. She was never sure of her place and always felt that her foster parents didn't love her like their 'real' children and yet she never had the hope of an adoptive family like the short term placement children. In her words she always wished she could be adopted and have a real mum. She has no contact with her foster parents as an adult and is very much alone in the world.

Being in limbo like that waiting for bio parents to sort their lives out which they may do or they may never do is a cruel thing to do to a child. Children can't wait around for years for adults to sort themselves out. They deserve to be adopted and to have someone who loves them unconditionally and permanently.

It may be that OP was wronged but the facts are that her son has been adopted and he has parents who love him. Having more contact with her now will likely only confuse him. Whatever happens has to be in his best interests and that would certainly not be to have the adoption reversed which legally cannot happen. Any increase in contact has to be good for him. It will be a very tough thing for him to find out that his mother was able to bring up other children but not him and how he is told about that will need to be handled really carefully or he'll feel
that it was his fault.

I don't lack sympathy with you OP but you don't come across in your posts as putting him first. You have to understand that your role in his life can be valuable but it will never be equal to the people who have been bringing him up. It's not his fault or his adoptive parents fault whatever happened in the past and as hard as that is you have to put aside the injustice and focus only on what is best for him in the future. That may not be more contact until he is older. He may very well welcome you in his life when older but he isn't likely to regard you on an equal basis to his adoptive parents who raised him and the more you push on that the more you risk rejection.

@Allthepopularkids

Attachment theory isn’t new or niche - there is a massive amount of information available. What specifically did you want to know?

[quote Adoptee]@TatianaBis

Retaining a good relationship with your adoptive family very much depends on the adoptee never finding out that the narrative of their adoption, how the adoptive parents explained it, is untrue.

I was told that my teenaged mother loved me very much but was unable to take care of me... I have heard much the same story told to adoptees that I know. It was entirely correct in my case ( I was provided extensive evidence as a tween and later).

But if the real story is... your birth mother loved you very much, and also you have these siblings we never mentioned, oh and she has been trying like hell to get to know you for years, and it looks like social sevices royally messed up... and we knew all of that, but never told you...

That's a very different story. And I would likely have taken the deception very badly indeed.

(Obviously none of us know what OP's son has been told. )[/quote]
@Adoptee

If there was outright betrayal from the adoptive family - I would find that impossible to forgive. Absolutely agreed.

But in the case of the friend I mentioned - the adoptive family didn’t know the full circumstances, they did so in good faith. While the birth mother had fought hard to keep them - as a young single mother, no support, trying to find jobs to work around having a baby, and managed to keep them for a few years, was eventually pressured by the family to give them up. So in that circumstance it was really the fault of the mother’s family.

I believe you OP.

I know many young (teen) mothers who have removed their children from birth. I wish at the time you had much more support. I think it's lovely that you still have contact with your son (some birth mothers don't). Having had experience with these types of situations, often the adoptive parents become insecure about their adoptive child receiving contact from their birth parent/s to the point where they limit contact.

I think some of the posters, who have been adopted, may be a tad bit jealous that they probably don't have a birth parent knocking at their door. Harsh but true- and are taking it on you. Not everyone has your best interests. I believe you should continue on fighting for your son- well getting more contact. He will thank you when his older. A letter a year is a joke to be frank.

@SwitchUp

A vast amount of the legal processes are heavily reliant on social work assessments and reports, which can frequently be piss poor and signed off without thorough investigation due to large caseloads and many other factors. The courts and guardians will be heavily guided by social work recommendations. Of course there are legal processes but a social worker’s (no matter how competent) word is taken as factual and can be hard to challenge. Frustratingly, other professionals disputing contents of assessments are often ignored too.

Obviously there are really great social workers, I know many, but I think individuals ( especially the great social workers) need to speak up more about the reality of how some cases are handled so that things can change and improve.

This exactly. It is appalling that SS are allowed to waltz into court with such piss poor and immaculate evidence. And yes, I found that if other professionals didn’t agree with what they were saying 1 of 2 things happened:

the professional was completely ignored and their comments were left out

or

the SW made up what the professional actually said.

Vile behaviour.

[quote SimonJT]@SpringHasSprung20 You’re senses couldn’t be more off.[/quote]
Why don't you show a bit of empathy to the OP then. This isn't about you or your children.

@Brokenheartedmom oh lovely I'm so sorry for what you've been through

The same happened with me in regards to falsely documented information, getting things wrong, writing blatant lies.

I was vindicated (by social services here) but it was too little too late.

Too often whatever SS says is taken at face value.

One of the social workers I had, wrote in her submissions that I had deeply entrenched mental health problems. I had nothing of the sort. MH services had no knowledge of me.

I proved that to be BS, not that it made a difference.

I do have mental health problems now mind, thanks to them in part, oddly enough SS here don't think that's grounds to call somebody a bad mum.

A wise MNer once told me.. there is a big difference between being mentally unwell and having a perfectly normal emotional response to trauma.

It's criminal what some of these people do, they really

When he is 18 he has the legal right to his file/ to make contact if you still wish this. Please save anything you have already written to him. It will mean a lot to him later on. Yes I believe everyone whatever their situation would want to know that they are loved (by their biological mother).

Not everyone in the adoption triangle gets the opportunity for letters, photos or even any accurate informtion so in my opinion you are very lucky - however hard you find having your communications sensored you are a lot better off than some who were in your position decades ago who had no opportunity for any contact - ever. However if there is something extra you really want then do just ask - just make sure it is really worth the heartache of having it rejected. It's best to be honest however otherwise your frustrations could come out in your communications - which may have undesirable consequences e,g. less communication.

I wish you luck and hope you have some support - other than mumsnet - with this.

@secular39
“ A letter a year is a joke to be frank.”

Adoptive parents aren’t a babysitting service. Every situation is different - some families do direct contact, most do yearly letterbox. In my situation I’d happily do two letters a year but it’s been decided it’s in everyone’s best interests - including the birth family’s - to do it once a year. To keep the thread of communication running but so that we can all move on with our lives.

Children deserve permanence and consistency and the right to grow up without feeling like they’re being reported on or watched.

I really feel for the OP but this isn’t about what she, or other birth mothers want. It’s about what’s best for the child.

Social services do something called parallel planning whereby they can source prospective adopters from the moment a baby is removed from its mother, before any permanent decision is made, if they want said baby to be adopted

Social Services do “parallel planning” whilst they are undergoing assessment of birth parents (and the child’s extended family). This is because assessments and ongoing court hearings can take years. Parallel planning is SS back up plan so that if parents are not making the required progress to care for their child, themselves (or within the extended family) the child is afforded an already assessed, equipped adoption placement - so the child can grow up within a family who love and care for him. Many children were left floundering in foster care for many years, with no clear plan for his/her future. All children deserve to grow up in a secure, attached, loving family who put his/her needs first and they can call “my family”.

Cases where adoption is on the cards have to be wrapped up in 5 months, so I only had a 5 month window from birth to the case being closed to get him back

Not true ^^ Very often the first hearing isn’t presented at Court for 12 months. The assessment and court hearings are ongoing until such a time that it is
a.decided the parents are making good progress and are the best option to care for the child or
b.until it is becoming more and more apparent that placing the child in their parents care is not deemed to be in the child best interest.

I have adopted. I have been a foster carer for 25 years. I have worked with birth parents and moved children onto adopted parents. There is an awful lot missing from your post OP. I have worked with some wonderful social workers - and some dreadful social workers. But there is no way would a child be removed from his parents, placed with foster carers and then adopted in the space of 5 months! - unless the child is relinquished. And even then the birth family get 6 weeks to change their minds. The final court hearing wouldn’t have happened in that timescale.

Out of the children I have adopted only one desperately wanted to meet birth parents. I helped him to search for his birth mother and siblings when he showed an interest in meeting them. He was dreadfully let down and chose not to keep in contact with them.

One child became more and more confused by letterbox contact and was rarely pleased to receive letters, gifts and photographs from her birth family. She was always told that if she ever wanted to meet up with her birth family we would support her to do this. She is now 26 and has never shown interest in meeting them.

We have been searching for my youngest adopted dd’s birth parents for around 12 months now, since she turned 18, as she was curious about them. Her birth parents have left no details with social services or on adoption uk. DD has now had second thoughts and decided she can’t be bothered with them as she has her family and she doesn’t want her family life disrupted by bringing others into her (our) lives. We have talked about this, at length, many times, and have always been fully supportive of her contacting her birth family, if ever she wants to, as we believe every child should know where they came from, who they look like, and have information about hereditary Health issues. That is now on hold as DD is very unsure.

No court is ever going to allow you increased contact OP. It will cause too much disruption to your DS life and well-being.

The best you can do is leave your details and a letter in your DS adoption file at the LA who dealt with his adoption, just in case he decides to seek you out when he is over the age of 18. Good Luck 🍀

But for now allow him to have a great life within his family and you get on with yours. Of course you will always remember your DS, especially at birthdays of other important family events and nobody is denying you that. The ball is in your DS court now. He will seek you out if he feels the need to.

As well as the impact on ability to form attachments, look at the neuroscience. The first years are when the brain is growing and developing at a great rate. Research has shown that in children exposed to neglect or emotional abuse the brain literally does not develop at the same rate, including in utero because the chemicals in the mother - such as adrenaline - flood the unborn child's system.
Connections are not formed as they should be, signals that should be triggered are not, wiring goes wrong. Luckily the brain is somewhat plastic, especially at that age and there are chances to catch up once in a healthy environment and with stimulation and needs being met. But the longer it goes on the more catching up there is to do and the less chance there is to put things right. A child exposed to violence and stress even in pregnancy has already been exposed to potential risk of harm in respect of their development, nevermind the physical risk to baby if mothers are physically assaulted.
For a baby, even the most fantastic foster carer will still be second choice to adopters who will love the child as their own.

@secular39 you think posters on this thread who do not want to meet their birth parents are jealous and are posting maliciously?? Wow. How dare you, frankly.

I've refrained from posting as this is a hard topic and one I'm close to. Op I'm sorry for your pain, and I hope one day that you can find the peace you seek.

Also, I do consider my son's best interests but of course this post is about how I feel.

The purpose of the post was to discuss how I feel some birth mothers are treated appallingly.

That's not to say I don't consider him or his best interests. If I didn't care about him or protecting his feelings I may have done what many mothers on the receiving end of forced adoption have done, gone to the papers, made a scene.

I didn't do any of that.

I'm glad he's settled, yes I want more than one letter per year but who on earth wouldn't?!

It's not fair to say that by wanting to be part of his life I don't care about his well-being.

He should have never been adopted in the first place.

I should be allowed to speak my truth anonymously in a place he won't get to see or hear about it without being accused of being selfish

Would lawyer be of any help in your case? Sounds like SS left a trail of mistakes that should have never happened. No system is perfect but poor you- at least if someone could fight your corner, could have closure of some sort? x 💐

With all due respect, I work directly with families before, during and after a child is removed and of the hundreds, probably thousands, of birth parents I have met, I can count on one hand (one finger actually) how many ever didn't have a story about how the entire situation was completely unjustified. Now that isn't at all to say that what happened to you wasn't unfair, I believe you entirely that it wasn't; it almost never is when it comes to domestic abuse and I am immensely sorry to you that you lived through that and am extremely impressed of where you have managed to get yourself to now. But it not being fair to you does not mean that it was not the right thing to take your baby for their protection. Courts do not just take children without having evidence that social care and other agencies have offered everything possible to make it viable for that child to stay with their birth parents and there needs to be evidence showing why this support did not work and why any potential further support also wouldn't do enough to make it viable before they will even begin talking about removing a child as an option. It simply does not just happen out of no where and it didn't a decade ago either. Not in the UK at least. And I've heard your story many many times before. Change a few details here or there, but the gist is always the same. No support was offered, no one told you it was going to happen and if you'd just had A, B or C it all would have been fine but no one tried to help you. It's also very common to have a professional on your side saying that you were mistreated. And not once, when you actually understand what happened from all sides, not one single time in 14 years of my career have I ever disagreed with a courts decision to remove a child. I've disagreed many times with their refusal to remove a child, but never their decision to remove.
The courts and social care only care about doing what is best for the child and they do not need to, and clearly aren't, telling you any details about why they may be making the decisions they are making regarding your contact with him. You don't know your son or what he needs or wants, they do and they will make decisions based on what is best for him, not what you feel is best.