To think the way some birth mothers are treat is appalling

[SpringHasSprung20]

A decade ago when I was still in my teens I had a baby removed from me at birth by social services and put up for adoption against my will.

It wasn't me who was the risk, I was being abused by the father and fought so hard to get away, have him prosecuted and keep my baby. I've posted about my story before.

Fast forward to now I'm approaching 30. I have a family and I'm living on the other side of the country with two subsequent children in my care full time with no SS involvement. I have a good life and haven't spoken to the abusive ex since I left him. I'm a different person. A strong person.

SS never allowed to meet the adoptive parents because I was opposing the adoption.

Do you know what contact I have with my son? One letter per year, due every April but it's usually always months late.

All of my letters are inspected by an adoption social work team before they'll be passed on to the adoptive parents/my son. Protocol. Most years they are sent back to me to edit out parts where I've told him I love him or miss him. I'm not allowed to say that, it's too emotional apparently.

I'm not daft, I know it's not in his best interests for me to be emotional in letters so I never am - but I do want him to know he's loved.

They are pedantic beyond comprehension. One year I had a letter telling me he was doing well in school, in my reply I said I was proud and he's such a clever boy. They sent my letter back and made me change "you are so clever" to "you sound clever"

I've had to plead with the adoption team for years to ask the family if I can have a photo, after 8 years of the adoption team saying "we don't let birth parents have photos" a kind contact coordinator finally agreed to ask the family for me.

The family took a while to decide but agreed I could see a photo. I can't keep it though.

I have to liase with an adoption team in my area and ask that the photo be sent to them so I can go into the office and look at it on a computer screen. Once. That won't happen this year because of covid so I have another year to wait before I can even catch a glimpse of my little boy. I have no idea what he looks like other than the sweet 6 month old face I have in a photo album, taken at our "goodbye contact"

I'm not allowed to send birthday cards or presents because it's a pain for the adoption agency to facilitate.

I have a box here that I save his cards in every year but that's not the point really is it? Imagine being a child and never getting a birthday card from your mum.

I'm not allowed to tell him about his siblings in letters. I talk to them about him all of the time but they must be kept secret.

All of the above is wrapped up as being in his best interests of course, but is it really?

I don't think he'll feel that way later on.

If you were adopted wouldn't you want to know that your 'birth' mother loved you? Would you be happy to only hear from her once a year?

I'm not a criminal and I've never hurt a child or been accused of it. I'm a good person and a good mother. I have the backing of SS here completely, after I approached them when I moved here. The senior manager raised her own concerns about how I was treat by that local authority and couldn't believe the way they work.

AIBU to think the way some birth mothers are treat is appalling? I'm not referring to abusive people or people who neglect their children, but people like me and others who were let down terribly.

I cannot move past the injustice of it all.

Your pain is palpable in your posts OP and while I do understand the viewpoint of limited contact being in your son's best interests right now, that knowledge clearly doesn't lessen the pain.

I truly hope your son will reach out to you when he turns 18 and opens himself up to the obvious love you have for him. Having a loving relationship with you doesn't diminish the love and bond he shares with his adoptive family and just gives him more people who love and care for him in his life.

I also feel it would have been so much kinder to have the baby be fostered while you got away from your ex and found financial security, at which point, he should have been given back to you with initial regular visits from SS.

2 year limit might help but would be shit for the DC.
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Today 21:09 2021namechanger

disagree with you.
If a person believes they have been subjected to an injustice they have every right to pursue it legally.

“

And what remedy do you suggest exactly“

Erm, pursuing it legally, as I think I said? Starting with the local authority.

@SpringHasSprung20 what outcome would you like to see happen?

A forced adoption is different to an adoption where the parents were willing to give the baby/child up. The OPs baby should have gone in to care until OP sorted herself out, proved herself and been given her baby back. She could have had a 12 month timeline where as if she didn’t the baby would have started the adoption process. No one should have their baby ear marked for adoption before it was actually born. That’s wrong on so many levels and I wonder how many women in not so distant past this has happened to.
This would be incredibly damaging to the child. A baby can’t just wait around for it’s mother to be ready to care for it. Delays in adoption and finding secure homes is what leads to attachment difficulties which can cause immense issues for the child for the rest of its life.

@DenisetheMenace that’s the method - what actual remedy do you think there is?

@DenisetheMenace

MissLucyEyelesbarrow

I disagree with you.
If a person believes they have been subjected to an injustice they have every right to pursue it legally.

It's not a question of agreement or disagreement. There is no legal mechanism for doing so. You are cruel to pretend to the OP that there is. Her DS is the son of his adopted parents now.

As I have already posted, I am not saying the adoption was the right decision but it is an irreversible one. The OP might conceivably successfully sue SS for violation of her human rights (unlikely to succeed but not impossible) but there is no way that any legal action could give her the right to contact with her son under the current Law. To change this, she would need to convince Parliament to change the Law. That is not impossible, given enough time (though very unlikely) but her DS would be an adult by the time it happened. It is futile to pretend otherwise.

OP, please keep a memory box of the cards and letters you can't send. I am an adoptee and was unable to meet my BM as she had died many years before but a beautiful letter she wrote about me is one of my most treasured possessions.

I have read you comments OP and I am beyond shocked and devastated for you and your treatment. Of course we only get one side of the story but IMO the go to response should be it is in the best interest of the child to remain with a parent albeit with support (even temporary removal) of foster care. If they show willingness to leave an abusive situation and can set up a stable environment then that should be facilitated. From the sounds of it you had a support network that you were told not to access which blows my mind!
I do think though that you (understandably) hold a lot of anger and that without an outlet this will seep into your relationship with your son. If I were you I would write diaries and cards and letters to him to show him when you can. Keep letters that are unedited to show him what you had written and what they made you change it to. Often the feeling of rejection is based on a lack of understanding and it’s a lot to get communicated. I wish you all the very best and I hope when you meet that you have a good, long lasting relationship with both him and his adopted family (as they come as a package)

@TatianaBis sorry if I have misinterpreted. And yes sometimes I do get offended by what people I don’t know say. But like when I get offended when I see a white person say “I have lots of black friends and none of them have ever experienced prejudice as that’s what they’ve told me.”

See I don’t like the owning of someone else’s narrative.

I just wanted to say that I think you are such an incredibly strong loving mother. Your pain is palpable on your post and has actually moved me to tears. You and your child were failed in so many ways. I wish there was something that could be done to right the wrong but there isn't. I feel that what you do now will only be supporting evidence to your child when they find you that you did everything in your power to make them feel your love. There isn't any advice I could give. I have been in situations where I have been with mothers having their children removed where they have been given every chance. Just seems so sickeningly unfair that you weren't even given one. This could have been any one of us this is what some of these heartless posts fail to realise. The fact that you can turn around and tell your child that you did everything for them when they find you will hopefully help them come to terms with this too. Keep doing what you have to and keep saving them cards. And if you want to take this further for your own closure and to maybe help women in future in your predicament I wish you all the best.

I used to be friends with someone who had a very similar story to this. Her son went back into care though as the original adoptive family couldn't cope and had to return him. She was in an abusive relationship and couldn't leave so agreed to the adoption (I understand that in your case you opposed it)

I can understand how women give up, because they are told over and over again that they are a failure and useless mother by the abusive partner, so you end up thinking your kids might actually be better off without you.

I would push for the opportunity to write more letters through ss. Keep a journal, the birthday and Christmas cards. Your child could be curious at 18 and want to meet. You can then give them your journals, letters, keep sakes to show them how you felt and what happened. Many adoptive children feel the need to do this. Especially if you have maintained some level of contact.

The most important things is your child is safe and loved, you are safe and out of that abuse and you can work on more contact. Don't give up hope.

No one should have their baby ear marked for adoption before it was actually born.

It has been mentioned previously that it was standard practice to have several different options running at the same time.
Twin tracking involved setting up the legal and practical systems for a child to remain temporarily fostered while also setting up adoption as an option.

As various assessments came in it would become clearer which option was most appropriate to social workers.
This would then be considered at court by a judge with legal input from the dc's legal team and the parents' legal team.

The baby is the center of the situation not the parents. It would be irresponsible to not consider every option for the child.

I disagree. Waiting 12 months is no time at all in the bigger scheme of things.

This shows how little you know about child development.

Weirdly people who think children should languish in care rarely send their own baby away for 12 months, odd.

OP your first post actually made me feel quite emotional. I wouldn't go into it on a thread and our circumstances aren't really the same but I, like you, have been let down by social services.

Well done for turning your life around, it's a very hard thing to do when you've been through a violent and traumatic relationship.

I absolutely believe you, SS don't always get it right. Good luck to you hope you and your ds can have a good relationship in the future

You cannot ‘sue’ SS as a parent. A child can, but not a parent.

The only recourse for any kind of justice when you are wronged by these people is vis their complaints procedure (which is arduous - in my case they refused to even open a complaint for nearly a year and, oddly just like a narcissist, will dodge, deny, reverse, bamboozle etc etc etc) Then after that there is the LGO. Then, if you have deep pockets, proceedings under the HRA. This is all very arduous, very traumatising, triggering snd exhausting. You will have to tell things over and over and over again.

Aside from the HRA proceedings, I’ve done it. I have a formal apology, compensation, and an LA that has not followed through with the recommendations made by the stage 3 complaints panel.

Was it worth it? Yes and no. Did it give me closure? No. Did it give me some sense of peace at least knowing I’m not completely insane with zero ability to assess a situation or to self reflect? Yes. Did it bring my son back? No.

I’m not sure if OP would be out of time for making formal complaints.

Oh OP I do feel for you I do but as OVienna said what do you actually want to have happen?

Your son is with a family who love him and for now the best decision for him is for it to continue. He has a clear avenue to explore when he is older and decides that it is right for him to seek and find you. But for now that is all I think you can do - hope that one day that is the decision he will make.

It is Im afraid I think also right for him not to know at this point anything more about having siblings etc, he is still very young and too much will I think cause him harm.

Adoption is so tricky because as many others have said the first year is so key in attachments and longer term success for a child. To keep them waiting in long term foster care is not necessarily the right choice.

None of this was the right choice for you OP but you ask in your first point these

All of the above is wrapped up as being in his best interests of course, but is it really?

At this age and stage in his life yes I think it is

I don't think he'll feel that way later on.

No he may not (although I think you also have to face up to the fact that he may). But that will be his choice. He has the information he needs to find you if/when HE wants. And it does have to be. Forcing it anymore isnt in his best interests at all

It sounds awful. I’m so sorry.

I’m an adoptive mother (my son came home last spring) and I’d be open to expanding letterbox with my son’s birth family. However, I don’t know what my son would want for himself (he’s nearly 3). I will always talk positively about his birth family to him and when he’s much older or an adult and if he wants additional contact with his birth family I’ll support him in that journey however he wants me to. It’s all about him. Not me, not the birth family.

I don’t know if you can influence change in contact; maybe the adoptive family would be open to it, maybe not. Regardless, you have to think what’s best for your child and as they get older the additional contact (if the adoptive family are sharing your letters) may not be best for them. It’s up to the adoptive parents until your child is old enough to understand what their needs are. I hate to be blunt but you don’t know what the impact of additional contact would be on them as they get older. An example- I don’t share photos of my son on social media because he has no say and I would hate for him to be angry or negatively impacted by this when he’s old enough to understand what I was doing. It’s the same sort of thing- when he’s an adult he may have a good relationship with you and wished that he had more contact when he was younger. Equally he may resent the intrusion into his life.

I’m sending you hugs and thoughts. I can’t imagine how difficult this is for you.

@SimonJT

I disagree. Waiting 12 months is no time at all in the bigger scheme of things.

This shows how little you know about child development.

Weirdly people who think children should languish in care rarely send their own baby away for 12 months, odd.

Funny enough I doubt they’d be keen to leave their baby with a drug addict or known abuser for any length of time either.

Waiting 12 months is no time at all in the bigger scheme of things.

You may well think that but the all the research around healthy attachment and it’s impact on a child’s well being would prove you wrong. A healthy, secure attachment is vital for a child’s development.

I find it amazing that on a forum full of parents that so many people seem to be so unfocused on what’s best for actual children.

@2021namechanger

I find it amazing that on a forum full of parents that so many people seem to be so unfocused on what’s best for actual children.

Any how many pretend that the first year of a childs life isn’t important.