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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think the way some birth mothers are treat is appalling

999 replies

SpringHasSprung20 · 21/02/2021 17:19

A decade ago when I was still in my teens I had a baby removed from me at birth by social services and put up for adoption against my will.

It wasn't me who was the risk, I was being abused by the father and fought so hard to get away, have him prosecuted and keep my baby. I've posted about my story before.

Fast forward to now I'm approaching 30. I have a family and I'm living on the other side of the country with two subsequent children in my care full time with no SS involvement. I have a good life and haven't spoken to the abusive ex since I left him. I'm a different person. A strong person.

SS never allowed to meet the adoptive parents because I was opposing the adoption.

Do you know what contact I have with my son? One letter per year, due every April but it's usually always months late.

All of my letters are inspected by an adoption social work team before they'll be passed on to the adoptive parents/my son. Protocol. Most years they are sent back to me to edit out parts where I've told him I love him or miss him. I'm not allowed to say that, it's too emotional apparently.

I'm not daft, I know it's not in his best interests for me to be emotional in letters so I never am - but I do want him to know he's loved.

They are pedantic beyond comprehension. One year I had a letter telling me he was doing well in school, in my reply I said I was proud and he's such a clever boy. They sent my letter back and made me change "you are so clever" to "you sound clever"

I've had to plead with the adoption team for years to ask the family if I can have a photo, after 8 years of the adoption team saying "we don't let birth parents have photos" a kind contact coordinator finally agreed to ask the family for me.

The family took a while to decide but agreed I could see a photo. I can't keep it though.

I have to liase with an adoption team in my area and ask that the photo be sent to them so I can go into the office and look at it on a computer screen. Once. That won't happen this year because of covid so I have another year to wait before I can even catch a glimpse of my little boy. I have no idea what he looks like other than the sweet 6 month old face I have in a photo album, taken at our "goodbye contact"

I'm not allowed to send birthday cards or presents because it's a pain for the adoption agency to facilitate.

I have a box here that I save his cards in every year but that's not the point really is it? Imagine being a child and never getting a birthday card from your mum.

I'm not allowed to tell him about his siblings in letters. I talk to them about him all of the time but they must be kept secret.

All of the above is wrapped up as being in his best interests of course, but is it really?

I don't think he'll feel that way later on.

If you were adopted wouldn't you want to know that your 'birth' mother loved you? Would you be happy to only hear from her once a year?

I'm not a criminal and I've never hurt a child or been accused of it. I'm a good person and a good mother. I have the backing of SS here completely, after I approached them when I moved here. The senior manager raised her own concerns about how I was treat by that local authority and couldn't believe the way they work.

AIBU to think the way some birth mothers are treat is appalling? I'm not referring to abusive people or people who neglect their children, but people like me and others who were let down terribly.

I cannot move past the injustice of it all.

OP posts:
DenisetheMenace · 21/02/2021 20:54

MissLucyEyelesbarrow

No, they won’t but what OP and her child may have suffered can’t just be ignored. Do you believe historic injustices should just be overlooked? Would you say the Magdalene Laundry mothers should just shrug their shoulders and walk away, because it happened a few years ago?

The child has a right to know it’s birth mother, if nothing else.

Allthepopularkids · 21/02/2021 20:54

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SimonJT · 21/02/2021 20:56

@Allthepopularkids I don’t think forced adoption should be allowed. It’s not morally right.

What do you think should happen to children in care?

Allthepopularkids · 21/02/2021 20:56

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Sofasouffle · 21/02/2021 20:56

*She had no rights whatsoever - should have said "she has no rights whatsoever"

2021namechanger · 21/02/2021 20:57

I don’t think forced adoption should be allowed. It’s not morally right.

Ah so leaving a baby to be beaten is morally right? Don’t be so ridiculous.

(Not referring in any way to the OP).

Dancingwithdreams · 21/02/2021 20:58

I’ve had professional experience of mums having their children taken into care and subsequently adopted. Sometimes it’s felt unbelievably unfair and other times worryingly and dangerously slow. I can fully believe SS could have made a mistake. I’m sorry Flowers

I understand why you would continue to battle with this, furious amongst the grief. There is no time limit on those feelings.

If, one day, you can find your way to peace with the situation despite what’s happened, I think ultimately that would be the best for you, your son and your other children.

Thefamilybusiness · 21/02/2021 20:59

Also Scout16, brilliant post, so well written. I wanted to include the things you said but you are far more articulate than me. Thank you.

BluePeterVag · 21/02/2021 20:59

I’m so sorry about this heartache for you. DH is adopted. when we met he wasn’t interested in finding out any info, but over the years we have talked about it and we know that you can never make assumptions around the circumstances of his birth, as to him feeling rejected and so on.
He has since taken the Ancestry DNA test. He has matched with a groups of first and second cousins on both sides as well as two close family matches. DH won’t reach out to them as he fears rejection as well as being comfortable as he is, and they haven’t reached out to him either. Probably for the same reasons.

Confusedandshaken · 21/02/2021 21:01

@sqirrelfriends

That sounds really painful op, believe me being an adopter isn't a bad of roses either and SS don't care about the bio parents or the adoptive parents. Their only concern is the best interests of the child.
I have to agree with this. Being taken from a birth mother and adopted is a massive trauma for a child and their needs must always be paramount.

I hope in later years you can meet up with your son and make a connection but while he is growing up he needs to connect with his new family exclusively. That is more important than your own needs atm

MissLucyEyelesbarrow · 21/02/2021 21:03

@DenisetheMenace

MissLucyEyelesbarrow

No, they won’t but what OP and her child may have suffered can’t just be ignored. Do you believe historic injustices should just be overlooked? Would you say the Magdalene Laundry mothers should just shrug their shoulders and walk away, because it happened a few years ago?

The child has a right to know it’s birth mother, if nothing else.

The child can choose to exercise the right to know the OP, when he is older. The OP does not have the right to know him. It doesn't matter if the original decision about adoption was totally wrong or even unlawful - it cannot and will not be undone now. You might wish this was different, but it isn't. There is literally no legal process by which the OP can gain rights over her DS, any more than she could gain rights over another child with no biological connection to her. The Law treats an adopted child as exactly the same as a biological child - in the eyes of the Law, he is unequivocally the child of his adoptive parents.

You are being cruel to the OP to suggest otherwise. You are giving her false hope and discouraging her from coming to terms with the adoption.

Icantrememebrtheartist · 21/02/2021 21:04

OP your history rings a bell with me. If you are the poster I think you are I remember reading your previous posts on the adoption board when you were expecting.

I read your posts detailing the way you had been treated by your ex and then SS and found it heartbreaking. I felt so angry for you with the total lack of help and support from SS and felt they could have and should have done more to help you so you could keep your son. The way you were treated was appalling.

I’m so pleased to read you’ve gone on to create a family for yourself. I wish you every happiness.

Allthepopularkids · 21/02/2021 21:05

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DenisetheMenace · 21/02/2021 21:06

MissLucyEyelesbarrow

I disagree with you.
If a person believes they have been subjected to an injustice they have every right to pursue it legally.

Allthepopularkids · 21/02/2021 21:07

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Emeraldshamrock · 21/02/2021 21:08

Allthepopularkids I don’t think forced adoption should be allowed. It’s not morally right
After careful consideration if there is no fixing the situation adoption should go ahead.
What do you think should happen to children in care?
UK is the only place in EU with forced adoptions. I know England isn't EU now.
I don't agree with DC in care for 18 years
We see what happens to older DC in the care system for years.
It is tough in Ireland some DC are with foster parents years some not so lucky are passed around even babies.
Most with long-term foster parents stay in the family after 18 it is sad it can't be official for many.
2 year limit might help but would be shit for the DC.

2021namechanger · 21/02/2021 21:09

disagree with you.
If a person believes they have been subjected to an injustice they have every right to pursue it legally.

And what remedy do you suggest exactly?

WaltzingTilda · 21/02/2021 21:09

I haven't read the full thread, but I am so sorry about what has happened to you OP. It is so very sad. I have no advice, sorry. Your little boy will be about 10 now i suppose , and I hope that when he is 18 , he will want to see his birth mother and you can rekindle your relationship with him. I would take photocopies of all the letters that get sent back to you by the adoption agency so that one day hopefully when you meet him, he will see how loved and missed he was by you and what you had to put up with by the agency. Flowers

underneaththeash · 21/02/2021 21:09

OP - you were a teenage mother whose partner was physically and emotionally abusive.
Put yourself in your child's position.

ConorMasonsWife · 21/02/2021 21:09

I'm really sorry for what you've been through OP, and what I'm sure you go through daily. I hope he's happy and content and has a loving family, I also hope when he's older you get to hug him and explain it all to him Thanks

Puzzledandpissedoff · 21/02/2021 21:10

Hearing two sides of a story from the individuals who are deeply emotionally involved (and unlikely to be reporting the entire truth) isn’t quite the same as facts and evidence gathered by professionals

Taken generally, as opposed to about any one individual, I believe this is an important point - and no, I'm certainly not suggesting that the professionals always get it right either

For example a PP mentioned a media story about a child who was taken because of "one bruise" was found. Now to be fair I wasn't there so can't possibly know, but does that sound entirely likely?

SimonJT · 21/02/2021 21:11

@Allthepopularkids The issue there is that the child is being denied the opportunity to form secure attachments at the time it is most important for a child to make a secure attachment.

Your desired system doesn’t centre the process arounds the need of the child.

My sons birth mother is a drug user, she has subjected multiple children to awful awful abuse. Under your system when she has yet another baby they would be placed in foster care for a year. This prevents the baby making a secure attachment with a caregiver, it also punishes the child for his/her parents actions.

Under the current system they could be placed in an early permanence placement, this enables a baby to form an early attachment to a longterm caregiver and improves their life chances as both a child and an adult.

RandomUser18282 · 21/02/2021 21:11

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This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

TatianaBis · 21/02/2021 21:12

[quote 2021namechanger]@TatianaBis you do realise that attempting to be a mouthpiece for something you haven’t experienced yourself makes you sound offensive.

And suggesting that every adoptee you know has something lacking in their life is doubly offensive.[/quote]
I am not attempting to be a mouthpiece, that is either a misinterpretation by you or a misrepresentation.

In speaking of the adoptees I know, I am simply relating on their own comments and analysis. Feeling a lack did not mean that they were not happy with their adoptive families - more along the lines of - lack of information, lack of certainty about identity.

Being offended by people you don’t know is completely pointless.

Hepsie · 21/02/2021 21:13

Adoption targets are commonly misunderstood.
They were designed to prevent dc spending a long time in foster care limbo.
They were set up to encourage more dc to exit the social care system not enter it

Yes of course. I know why they were introduced. And the intent was a good one. But surely people can see where this can occasionally go wrong when there are targets to meet no?