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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Single mums-is life better now?

86 replies

Isthisitnowthen · 21/02/2021 12:58

Do you feel happier just you and your child/kids? Is it manageable, what are the positives/negatives?
Really feel I would be happier just myself and my Dd, just scared to take the leap.
I have a couple of friends recently separated and the difference in them in huge, so much happier now.

OP posts:
JessieOh · 21/02/2021 13:10

Yes, without a doubt!
Been a lone parent for 11 yrs and I dread to think what life would be like if we hadn't separated.

Don't get me wrong, there have been challenging times along the way but everyone has those. The difference as a lone parent is that my decisions are the final decisions, not undermined or compromised by the other parent.
It's only now, as I look back on the 11 years that I can see just how resilient I have been and how the children are thriving. I feel so proud of my children.

Why don't you tell us about your situation so more specific information/advice can be given?

Original poster
Isthisitnowthen · 21/02/2021 13:17

@JessieOh That’s lovely to hear!
How do you cope financially etc? I’m not in the U.K. (but British and from there originally) do you have help with benefits (at least initially)
Did you ever meet anyone else/date? It don’t want to?

OP posts:
raspberryk · 21/02/2021 13:18

Yes I was much happier and found it easier in some ways, wish I’d done it sooner!

Original poster
Isthisitnowthen · 21/02/2021 13:18

*or don’t want to

OP posts:
HotelChocolatMMMMmm · 21/02/2021 13:18

Genuinely, yes. Single parenting is easier than doing it in a relationship where you are miserable

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 21/02/2021 13:20

Do you mean lone parenting or co parenting, “single
Parent” doesn’t explain which scenario you want to know about

Original poster
Isthisitnowthen · 21/02/2021 13:21

@OnlyFoolsnMothers Well I guess ‘Co parenting?’ As in splitting with your partner but he still have involvement in the child’s life.

OP posts:
Original poster
Isthisitnowthen · 21/02/2021 13:22

Sorry, I’m not sure how to phrase it

OP posts:
Ultimatecougar · 21/02/2021 13:24

No. But then it wasn't my idea to split.

georgarina · 21/02/2021 13:24

Yeah, so much better. Instead of two things to worry about I've only got one.

And instead of doing everything and being stressed/annoyed about it - with a partner who does nothing and is resentful and makes me feel guilty - I can just do everything on my own and get on with it.

The thought is scary but if that's all that's holding you back, rather than wanting to work things out - just go.

I also grew up with my mum in a terrible marriage because she didn't want to take the leap. It was a total nightmare.

Pesimistic · 21/02/2021 13:38

I was so much happier when me and ds dad spilt up so was my son, we had such a good time jist me and him, we felt free.
I have since met my fiance and we have a new baby together and couldnt be happier, I am me again and I learnt that I deserve to be happy and should never put up with a situation that doesn't make me happy because I'm scared, it will always be better.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 21/02/2021 13:45

I do think sometimes I’d prefer to be a co parent- everything run my way in my house but time off when at their fathers. Being a lone parent- nope too exhausting for me with no break

Original poster
Isthisitnowthen · 21/02/2021 13:47

How do you all manage financially? Is it doable?

OP posts:
Waxonwaxoff0 · 21/02/2021 13:47

Absolutely yes. I'm not parenting completely alone as my ex husband is involved, I do the bulk of it though. I'm much happier doing my own thing.

Financially - I work, I get working tax credits to top up my income and child maintenance from my ex husband.

Relationships - I've not been in one since getting divorced nearly 7 years ago, I'm not interested in one. I like being "free". I've had a friend with benefits previously and that was great for my lifestyle.

Karmakarmachameleon · 21/02/2021 13:51

I can’t give first-hand experience, but I have a friend who split from her cheating husband about 3 years ago, and she’s like a new person. They are now co-parenting (which I appreciate is not the same as lone parenting). She looks fantastic. Has lost a ton of weight. Has landed a brilliant new job. She’s such good company now, I think because she’s actually happy rather than weighed down by misery.

She says that co-parenting has forced him to actually step up and do his share of parenting so life is easier for her - she’s gone from having two lovely children and a cheating man-child to look after to just having two lovely children to look after, and the latter is easier.

Anyway everyone’s circumstances are different but that is what I’ve perceived of her situation.

Frequency · 21/02/2021 13:52

I'm happier but struggling financially. I've gotten myself into a mess re overtime/benefits whereby the amount of overtime I did reduced the benefits I was entitled to meaning I needed to do more overtime to make up the shortfall which in turn reduced the benefits I was entitled to and so on. I'm now working two fulltime jobs and often going 2-3 days on only a few hours sleep.

I'm on the old tax credits system though. I believe UC has been set up to avoid these situations in that it instantly reacts to changes in income whereas tax credits go off last year's income even if this years income is lower.

pinkpixie83 · 21/02/2021 13:53

In ways yes, the actual parenting and running my house yes completely.

The loneliness is a big downside for me, that and unfortunately jealousy that he can move on and form a relationship where as I have very little time to do that.

JessieOh · 21/02/2021 13:56

Finance wise, I was initially skint but hadn't been used to luxury before splitting anyway. There was financial abuse (amongst other abuse) in the relationship.
I became brilliant at budgeting, and even though I didn't have much money, what I did have was mine to decide what to do with. I never got to the point of worrying about how to feed my children, or keep the roof over our heads.

As time passed and the children got older, my hours at work increased, childcare bill reduced, and I did training to further my career. I am now at the point of being able to save each month, and I would safely bet that I have more in savings than many married couples. We may not have had foreign holidays each year, the latest fashions or fancy cars but we had all we needed, and peace at home. That peace at home, its priceless!

thepeopleversuswork · 21/02/2021 13:57

Yes a million times better. I am in charge, I get to make all decisions, I don’t have someone constantly undermining me and putting me down. I don’t have to do the domestic work for two people and I am in charge of finances.

I am relatively lucky in that I am doing ok financially but I have no help from anyone so it’s draining.

But even with those limitations there’s no way on earth I would go back to living with a man.

Single parenthood for me has been the best kep secret. I highly recommend it.

Biggles001 · 21/02/2021 14:00

So so so so much happier. Don't get me wrong, some of it has been truly awful (although actually only stuff involving my child's dad), but I'm happier now than I've been in years and years. As someone else said, I'm back to being "me"

naptune · 21/02/2021 14:01

Yes I’m much happier. My kids dad has no involvement other than maintenance but he never sees them so I don’t get a break really. Financially it is hard I do work but it isn’t the most well paying job because of the small amount of hours I do so I am on benefits too. Hopefully when they’re a bit older though that will change as mine are currently only 2 and 8 months so not at school or nursery. It can be difficult sometimes but overall I’m so much happier. I can deal with the chaos it brings because having a partner who wasn’t real ya partner and didn’t do his share of parenting and wasn’t any real support was much difficult to deal with

Toomanycats99 · 21/02/2021 14:06

Way happier - didn't realise how unhappy I was until I had finished it!

Bonkerz · 21/02/2021 14:06

Absolutely. I struggled on for a good 3 years in an unhappy marriage where resentment grew and the kids saw everything because I thought I couldn't do it.
I regret I left it so long.
I'm happier (lonely but happy) and my kids are so much happier.
We have become a team and the kids know what it took for me to become single etc.
My children are older (9/15/20) but financially we are more stable and happy

KatySun · 21/02/2021 14:07

Yes, very much happier. I have my children pretty much all the time for complicated reasons I will not go into, and have been single for eight years. I have a good job which allows me to pay my bills. Our house is too small and I would love to be able to get the garden done, but when my DC were younger, I made the choice to take them on summer holidays instead. With the pandemic now, I am glad I made that decision. I am not (yet) worried about loneliness as I have a lot to do for myself now as my children get older (youngest is 10 now).

I think everyone’s situation is different though, and only you know whether your relationship is salvageable. I would of course much rather have a functioning marriage than be a single parent, it would lighten the load, but being a single parent is much better than a dysfunctional marriage, and in my case it was controlling and abusive and took a long time to get out of.

Bonkerz · 21/02/2021 14:08

Financially I work full time and get help with tax credits. I'm lucky that our mortgage is paid off and ex agreed to let the kids (and me) remain in the home.
Ex only sees kids about 6 hours a week despite having open access but after 2 years separated he's finally taken the younger one for the first weekend so I'm hoping I can get a break properly when lockdown ends