Single mums-is life better now?

[Isthisitnowthen]

Do you feel happier just you and your child/kids? Is it manageable, what are the positives/negatives?
Really feel I would be happier just myself and my Dd, just scared to take the leap.
I have a couple of friends recently separated and the difference in them in huge, so much happier now.

Following along as it may be my situation soon. Wondering if it's still preferable to a relationship that's not terrible (as in no abuse and you get along with the person just fine day to day)

I fear I will regret it and that I'd just be making everyone's life harder than it needed to be.

I'm a single parent. Father sees the kids every other weekend as long as he is in the mood. He is Disney dad and does almost zero parenting.
It is so much easier now. I only have 3 kids not 3 plus a man child.
I am earning more than I did with him as I'm not ground down with his ways so have been able to fly up in my profession. I also have much more disposable income as not feeding a supporting a mill stone. I am also managing g to get debt down instead if it spiralling.
The kids are happier and have less if the toxic influences that made me fear for their future personal development

100% better once me and my ex split up.
He has them every other weekend, although I’ve said he can see them anytime and we only live a few mins apart.
Like someone else said, it much easier having one less adult to worry about. Everything is on my terms, I’m not resentful about being the only one doing any housework etc.
Money wise, I’m on UC - but have just managed to find a good PT job to work around the kids. I haven’t worked for 10 years so I’m extra proud of myself!
Honestly wish we had split up earlier, we definitely plodded along far longer than we should have for the sake of the kids and not wanting to go through actually splitting up.

For me no, but then my ex is absent so that’s different from co parenting. Also financially worse as he only pays £7 per week. So for me no life is not better. I can imagine it would be better if you have an involved ex though

Im a single parent, ex not on scene so totally on my own..(no financial support from absent "parent" either). It can be hard but is doeable....i prefer my situation now and cant see me ever being in a relationship again...at the very least i can rely on myself

HitchFlix I don’t know about that. I think you would have to also have a really good understanding between you about physical intimacy as well. That is part of a marriage, and either you would still fancy each other or both be sufficiently not bothered for it not to be an issue. I mean, you cannot force yourself to be intimate for the sake of staying married; you need to have some understanding on that score. I would rather be single than sharing my bed with someone I don’t want to.

I am a lone parent and whilst it has been tough, in the main I've really enjoyed it. We were on benefits for a couple of years and that was so hard. I then worked full time and studied for a degree. I gradually had promotions and I've got a good job now.

I've bought two houses and about to buy a third. I'm proud of what I have achieved on my own from less than nothing financially and emotionally.

Ive been happy every day that my ex is not in our lives.

100% both for myself and my kids.
Financially we manage ok
I am not interested in a new relationship
My kids see their father rarely

I don't mind being a single parent on the whole but would love a weekend off sometimes ! Can't help but feel envious of women whose exes have the kids every other weekend. Especially when you are trying to date too !!

It was so much better! I felt incredibly free.

Financially I was much better off being in control of my own money rather than someone telling me how much I could spend.

It was definitely hard, but not harder than trying to live in a crap relationship and trying to parent with someone who went against me all the time.

Personally I am happier as are the children. It took a while to feel this way though (not my choice to split) and it is bloody hard work. Still get wobbles but ultimately yes I am myself once more and I can see how I lost that in our marriage.

Yes and No.

I'm glad to not have to walk on eggshells, watch who I speak, don't have to justify every spend.

But my DD has medical issues and it would be nice to have someone to share the burden with.

ExH only sees DD for a few hours per fortnight and I feel guilty about that. Plus DD isn't any happier, she misses her dad, and blames me for the split (even though ExH was removed by the police, I've never told DD that though).

Overall I wished I'd tried to make it work.

Always been a single parent to my 2. Had bf’s when I had just one dc, never lived with a BF, but had 2 long term for a couple of years but it really annoyed when they suggested say for example a punishment for dc’s behaviour. Child was sent to room as a time out (no tv on etc) and this worked, but I was told I should do x y z. And I should buy a b c for MY home, or not decorate it the way I did. Honestly drivey me mad

@thepeopleversuswork

Yes a million times better. I am in charge, I get to make all decisions, I don’t have someone constantly undermining me and putting me down. I don’t have to do the domestic work for two people and I am in charge of finances.

I am relatively lucky in that I am doing ok financially but I have no help from anyone so it’s draining.

But even with those limitations there’s no way on earth I would go back to living with a man.

Single parenthood for me has been the best kep secret. I highly recommend it.

Exactly this for me too.

Absolutely 100%

No. Ex using court system to still try to bully me out of our home without giving me a penny(which is what he threatened throughout our entire marriage). Yes I have legal advise but its worth nothing as he IS a lawyer so knows the system and how to play it.
Sees the kids an hour a week as he chose to live with his girlfriend who I won't let near the kids after she tried to assault our daughter.
I have sought support from various agencies and it makes no difference. The court could care less that he an abusive bully,they only interested in the finances.

Definitely. 100%. Our home is calm (mainly) and happy place. We've had some great adventures together and I feel more confident and capable than ever (though it took a whole to get to this point)

Yes, much happier. A tough few years with divorce and money which was absolutely punishing - but in charge of all decisions now, bought own home, now financially secure, better job, and FWB to fit in with everything else! I am a better parent and life is easier.

All I will say is plan, plan, and imagine the life you will have. You need that focus to get through it!

Much better, lone parent and no maintenance but better off as no one stealing from me! Got tax credits toward childcare when dc were pre school, no tax credits when childcare went down to wrap around and hols.

@LexMitior its the divorce and actual splitting up that scares me. He drinks, wont leave or will threaten to live in his car or hurt himself. So i imagine we'd have to leave and where would we go? If we go, he probably wouldn't give me the money to pay the mortgage. I can just see everything collapsing.
How do you plan? Any step by step guide?

So much happier. Ex has no involvement a and pays nothing.

I work full time in a well paid job. It nearly killed me in the early years, worked all hours and had no time for myself. It has paid off now, as I have money for a small but nice house, a holiday in Europe, and days out to interesting places.

It took some time to enjoy my freedom, but wouldnt go back, ever, to a marriage. Once my dd (7) is old enough and into her own stuff, i will probanly look for a bf, but for now I am really happy.

@JCAC16

I too had an erratic ex who threatened suicide etc. I wasted a lot of time being afraid of that. I made mistakes really because I did not know that people get worse, not better as divorce comes. Prepare when things are still relatively okay and you haven't put the papers in to the court (btw you file for divorce, you control the timetable).

First step is to talk to people you really trust - and I mean someone who won't blab to your ex.

Getting divorced is hard - you will find out who your real friends are. Its not probably the people you think right now. Touch base with all friends causally.

Get a fuck off fund. Save money. If he's a drinker then doubly important you do this.

Look at your own circumstances and can you get money or indeed borrow any money should you need to speak to a lawyer. Do it. So many women posting they can't afford it and they are in the middle of proceedings (this is not good). Yes, you may need to.

Drinking - sounds like a problem for you and your children. Do you need more support for this, ie talking to your GP as to what support you may need? My GP was unbelievably helpful - spotted and understood I had been in a controlling and abusive relationship (that might be you if you are getting suicide threats?) and directed me to sources of support.

Mortgage payments - applied to court prior to divorce for "maintenance pending suit" (not the same as child maintenance) so that the mortgage was paid. I agreed to pay half and then after resistance he agreed a sum for the mortgage and the child. Courts want children housed in divorces so this was easy to get though he did actually think he could say that he couldn't afford it he didn't have to pay it. He could afford it!

My mistakes were twofold

a) that he was going to be reasonable
b) that he was not doing these things to eff me up

I was wrong. It was unbelievably tough. I had to take everything I needed by legal force. It gave me a lot of toughness but it was worse because I thought we could be reasonable. It was not. I went to court 8 times. I won. But I could have just ignored him and have gone to court straight off and without listening to his bull shit, I would do that. I suspect lots of divorced women would say the same.

You can do it. I just took every problem I had and broke it down until I could find ways of my doing it without him or cutting him out. It worked.

@LexMitior thank you for your advice. When he's good it's good and i want it to stay good. And he is a good dad even when a shitty husband. But it's just a cycle, we always end up back here. Blames rhe drinking on the depression, then blames the depression on the drinking when he's quit... but he's never quit for long. We always end up back here.
I just don't know if i have it in me to leave. My previous ex was such a draining, drawn out and horrific break up with all sorts of emotional blackmail, tears, threats and drama. And that wasnt nearly as entangled as i am now with marriage mortgage and baby.
If i do leave, i hope i can find the strength you clearly have. Thanks again

So much better, like x 1 million.

As others have said - no walking on eggshells, all decisions are mine to make, it's so freeing.

Financially - I had to make some very difficult decisions. I was lucky that we had a considerable amount of equity in our house and even split 50:50 I did ok However I still didn't have enough to buy in London, and part of ex's financial abuse was refusing to do any childcare when we were still in the same house and therefore choking off my ability to work, so unable to get a mortgage. I had to move to a more affordable part of the country so I could buy outright and be financially secure, however that meant removing DD from her home, friends and school. It was very hard for me and her, but is settling a little now.

But as it turns out from a financial point of view the right decision given Covid and lockdown etc.

I love having my own place, decorating how I want (no more uncomfortable brown leather chesterfields!), maybe leaving the washing up overnight without being called slovenly. Eating what I want, not having to have a carb fest every night. Not being on edge as the glasses of wine get sunk. No bedroom TV blaring when I need to get up early the next day.

Sometimes I do feel the weight of responsibility - Ex a bit of a shit dad, very patchy involvement, so I have to face and problems with DD essentially on my own. It can be emotionally tough sometimes.

But actually...it was the same when we were together, his involvement was so shit even then. When I do miss having another responsible parent to consult I remind myself that I didn't have that anyway.

I will never live with a man again - maybe have a boyfriend with his own place or a FWB, but moving in together - no.