To reduce grandparents contact?

[Hard2Find]

Our dd (7 months old) adores her grandparents on my side. She gets so excited when she sees them and typically sees them on a regular basis. I recently found out that they are considering moving across the world soon for a job opportunity. We would be lucky to see them in person once a year if they do move. Would IBU to start reducing contact now? I don't want dd to continue to grow her attachment for them to just disappear.

@rachie28

For everyone saying she is being unreasonable, you haven't lived it! I have and they only went for 6months! The nightly question on where Nannie and grandad were and when they would be home was sometime heartbreaking. My daughter did get used to it and the question stopped, but it was hard for a few months. If ur child see them more then 4 times per week think about reducing it as this was our problem, going from 4 to nothing was heartbreaking for my child, and I will be doing it differently next time.

This ^

@mrsbitaly

Wow some people are horrid. They asked for advice not to be made to feel like crap. They were quite obviously not wanting their child to be upset with the move.

And this.

In typical mumsnet fashion, the OP has been jumped on and torn apart. She only asked a bloody question. Unsurprisingly she hasn't been back. No wonder, with all the vitriol that's been spewed on here..

@Hard2Find (if you're still reading,) is it your grandparents you're referring to, or your DC's grandparents? (So, your parents.....)

I don't think you need to reduce contact though, as your DC is only 7 months old, and will only know their grandparents as 'distant' anyway.

I have never, and WILL never understand why people move multiple 1000s of miles (overseas,) away from close-kin family. What are they trying to get away from? There are plenty of opportunities in this country, that you can access without going across the world!

If you ARE pissed off and angry (if it is your parents, and they are leaving,) then YANBU... I mean, they have every right to of course, as it's their life. But I don't think you can care much about your family if you swan off to the another country (across the world,) to live permanently.

So you're going to punish your parents for moving by not letting them see their granddaughter? Wow.

I think this is a massive over think!

Just let them spend time together while they can

Noooo, i’d make the most of the time you have left together. Honestly Facetime will be your best friend once they move. My mum lives away but has a lovely relationship with both of my two mainly through facetime. When she visits they are so at ease with her because they see her all the time via my phone. Small children react and remember voices and faces and there's no reason that the closeness they've built up can't continue from afar. In the meantime, don't deny either side the physical cuddles and interactions that they can currently enjoy while still living close by.

It's a bit of a red herring anyway, international or not, lots of grandparents for many good reasons do not get to see their grandchildren regularly. Most parents don't try to suppress the relationship entirely on the grounds that they won't be seeing the child weekly. It seems very sad to take that attitude.

YABU of course you shouldn't reduce contact.

YWBVU

Why wouldn't you want to maximise their time together as you can? It sounds like you are wanting to punish or blackmail them for moving away

I would hate to think that my godchildren could be kept away from me just because I can't see them often

If lockdown has taught me anything it's that you don't have to see people in person to stay in touch. Yabu.

My in laws moved abroad when DD1 was a year old. Before they went, they saw her regularly and built up a lovely relationship. Now we see them once a year (haven’t seen them for way over a year now due to Covid) and the foundations that were laid before they went mean they still enjoy a fantastic relationship.
We have since had 2 more children who also have a lovely relationship with their grandparents, despite the distance.
YABU.

OP, there are ways to maintain a close long-distance relationship. My 3yo was used to seeing his grandparents regularly before lockdown last spring, including staying with them for whole weekends, but has only seen them a handful of times since and mostly outside (they live too far away to visit for a day). He hasn't seen any grandparents since November. We Zoom and Skype a lot. Since it's hard for little ones to sit still, I usually set up an activity on a table for him to do (painting, playdoh, colouring in...), put the tablet at the end of the table, and he chats to his grandparents on Zoom. They often read him a bedtime story and my mother has some hand puppets which he finds hilarious. It requires a bit more effort but they can still build a close bond and, at such a young age, your DC will adapt quickly.

Are you thinking about this from an attachment point of view? If so, you and your partner are your 7month olds main attachment figures. It’s lovely that your baby has a strong relationship with their grandparents. At their age, it’s going to be your feelings and mental state that influence how they are, much more than anything else.
It is possible it will be odd for them to have grandparents drop out of their lives, but the probability is other things impact more at that age, like the possible end to lockdown and return to playgroups etc. Young children have seasons of relationships that orbit their main relationships, and where their main relationships are strong, constant and healthy they have the resources to deal with that upheaval.
I’d be more concerned about you perhaps? Is this going to be really hard for you? What can you put in place to make it easier? Have you spoken to your parents (is it maternal GPs)? Hopefully you can plan lots of ways to keep in touch, but I know it’s not the same, if it is your parents its hard to be loosing your ‘attachment figures’ when you have a baby. So much is brought to the surface when we become parents. I hope you find ways through that works for all of your family.

Nice bit of emotional manipulation going on there.

We moved across the world for a few years when our youngest had just turned one, we didn’t even consider minimising contact before we went - with that attitude you may as well just cut them off as you won’t put much effort into building and maintaining a relationship whilst they are abroad.

For what it’s worth, the relationship remained strong with the grandparents whilst we were away, and they even built a strong relationship with our youngest who was born abroad.

My parents live abroad and we see them about twice a year.
It’s great because the time they do get to spend with their grandchildren is quality time and over a few weeks rather than fleeting weekly visits.
Let your parents embrace their new opportunities, they’re raised you, it’s their time now.

So @littlepattilou the only people who should move overseas are those who don't have close family?

@Hard2Find as someone who moved abroad with 2 children I would say it might be worth making some of the current contact on Facetime so DD also gets used to seeing them on screen rather than only in person.

Unless the Grandparents have made you promises they will no longer be able to deliver on which fundamentally would have an adverse effect on your life, they need to be free to go off and live their lives and grab opportunities while they still can.

I only saw my paternal grandparents three times as my ddad was an immigrant. Yet over 50 years later can still recall thier house and have fond memories of spending time with them when we could visit. Grandma's letters with her wonky writing and odd paper were a huge event with the news poured over and regularly discussed. Always encouraged to write a note back, which ddad translated and I then copied out for her and Granddad to read in my handwriting. As other posters mention you need to strengthen those bonds of love now, so they last several lifetimes and distance is less relevant.

If anything you should increase contact. That will help lay the foundation for continuing the relationship when, in between visits, it has to be largely virtual.

Glad to see most people think you are being unreasonable, and I hope you will take that advice on board.

PFB

That would be very spiteful.

You are letting your own feelings on their potential move cloud your judgement. They are allowed to live their own lives. It is always nice when grandparents offer up support but ultimately not their job to help support you or take care of your child. If my parents were considering something like this I would want them to spend as much time as possible with myself and my kids before they went.

Theres this thing dont know if youve heard about it called video calling

revolutionary

My DP moved us countries regularly as young children whereas my GP stayed in rural Wales. I still count my DGM as one of the closest familial relationships I have had and she was a huge impact on my life. She was a brilliant person.

As it happened we spent a lot of our childhood on a different continent to her but it was never made a big deal of. If it had been dramatic and made a bug thing that we didn't see them often as children or would have been a bigger impact. Dont reduce contact and don't make a massive palaver out of it. Just facilitate the relationship as best you can.

Bear in mind my experience was decades ago well before the advent of video calling and it didn't damage our relationship at all.

My mum doesn't see grandchildren often because we don't live near by and covid. However my sons know who she is, remember her and are always relaxed and happy in her company. Yes, it's lovely to see them a lot but even if they only see them a few times a year they will still have a special bond. Don't stop them seeing each other it won't do anyone any good.

@NoCherryNoDeal

Yes I think this is now a reverse.

No, that’s not a good idea. FaceTime them if they go, don’t punish them for living their life how they want to.