I have a hoarding problem. AIBU to ask for any advice?

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This is a long post so for anyone who gives it their time I really appreciate you!

Just posting for some advice really in case anyone has or knows someone with experience with this. Not sure AIBU is the best place but I need some advice and fast as I am not in a good place and need to work through this fast.

I've always been a bit of a hoarder, come from a family who always kept stuff, had cupboards stuffed full, never wasted most food even if way out of date etc... grew up living out of boxes between my mums and grandparents and student halls... with all my stuff stored across several places at any one time.

Fast forward to now, been living with my partner for ten years. First few in his house which was a small two bedroom. I paid hardly any rent at the time and yet the house was full 90% with my stuff. I refused to acknowledge the problem or actively work on it then. Bless him he just accepted it even though our spare room was full of my junk and with each new hobby and interest, I'd buy new stuff.

Not just that but with every interest I go all in. Got into cooking and bought probably hundreds of cookbooks. Then skincare, same. Then arts and crafts.. now have a room full. Before that there was clothes.. candles... supplies from abroad I couldn't get at home.. probably have at least a suitcase full of bath and body works from trips to America etc. It is a real issue and I just lived my life and kept my lounge relatively uncluttered and ignored all the crap meaning 2 out of our 3 bedrooms were a challenge to access or find anything.

Fast forward to today, we have been living in a bigger house which I've filled yet again with 90% of my stuff and my partner had a better approach and gently sat with me and offered to help me sort through the worst room, categorise and declutter everything. With his support it felt less intimidating but I realised I do have a huge hoarding problem as I get extremely anxious and distressed when sorting through things and find it so hard to throw an item away if it has value or could be needed etc.

The items I am 'storing' aren't junk, it's all nice things just excess stuff. I'm embarrassed to say I have three times as much pantry based food stored in the spare room than I do in the actual kitchen. It's disgusting and most things were out of date before they were even used. As for the money I've wasted! It is disgusting and I'm extremely embarrassed but also feel that admitting this and potentially getting some very blunt responses will help me feel accountable and nip this in the bud for once and for all.

I have tried over the years to Konmari and tidy etc but it never lasts long or makes real progress, I struggle to be brutal and just throw things away so if anyone suggests that it isn't so easy for me, so if anyone has any particular tips for a hoarder that would be most helpful.

It's rubbish for my partner as if he wants friends to stay, I need to have plenty of notice to make things acceptable and more often than not we just don't as it's too difficult. I had a breakdown tonight and said he doesn't deserve me and would be happier here alone without all my stuff. I feel so worthless.

From the outside you wouldn't know this about me. I have a good job, I dress well and look smart, have a good lifestyle, outside of my house is presentable and lounge is generally not even messy. But it's upstairs in the bedrooms that the crazy comes out.

He suggested tonight I rent a small storage unit. Throw everything in there and work through a box a week so I don't have the overwhelm of trying to do it and live in the same space. I like the idea and my mum has now offered me a room to use instead of paying.

I thought I could give her the money and each week I keep on track she pays me the weekly fee back. Then at the end of the say 6-8 weeks, I'll treat both of us to some kind of trip afterwards with the money.

No idea if this will work but I feel it's the only solution I can try... I literally have no idea what else to do. I'm so overwhelmed and can't spend any more time living this way and subjecting my partner to all of this. I guess I just needed to write this all down to admit it to myself, but I've had fantastic advice in here for countless other things so was hoping someone out there might have some advice for me.

Feel free to tell me what a skanky person I am, I know that and that's my motivation to get my shit together for good.

Well done- you have acknowledged that you have a problem and it’s a BIG problem and potentially a health issue to have all this out of date food around. The solution you have got sounds great but I would suggest that you try to be kind to yourself as well as firm. If the guilt sets in you will struggle so get a happy medium x

Good for you for making an effort to tackle this. Sounds like you have a good plan using a room at your mum’s, plus you’ll be less likely to ignore it knowing you’re taking up a room at hers

The NHS has a really useful section on hoarding. Just google the word on its website.

Hoarding is a real problem and needs tackling. Your partner and mother are being very kind and understanding but it needs addressing , head on .
It's fantastic that you've recognised the problem which goes a long way to finding a solution.

Keep going. There will come a point when you will suddenly feel relaxed. ( I've been there.)

Have you considered CBT or similar therapy? You might get more out of it than storage, where you might end up refilling the space you clear. I know that sounds negative but I lived with a hoarder for years and it’s incredibly hard to beat even with professional support.

Firstly, well done for recognising that you have a problem, and for wanting to change. This is a crucial first step. Next you need to make sure no more stuff comes into your home. If you are still buying stuff, try and work out a strategy to control this. That might be freezing your cards (freeze with the bank or literally in a block of ice in the freezer), or having no cards and use cash only. Then I would look for professional, specialist counselling. Working through the underlying psychological cause is more important than working through the stuff. When you are ready to let go of things, start with is whatever is easiest for you- most likely the out of date food. See if you can put in food recycling so rather than it going to waste, it's going to be compost. Then look at what you could give to a food back- they will take unopened toiletries. The priority is your mental health though, and having a supportive partner and insight is a great start. Good luck!

Acknowledging the problem is a great step forward. Maybe keep it in storage for a month and if you haven’t needed anything just get rid of the entire lot at once. Perhaps easier than going through it bits at the time as you may still end up with half. You need ruthlessness. Remember it’s just stuff in the end. Good luck.

I'm a fellow hoarder. I went to the gp and I have had CBT twice and talking therapy twice.

In my experience had to feel the pain and it is painful. But you can work through it. I can get rid of most things now. Aqquiri ming more is more of a battle but covid has binned that off too now.

I honestly think that you to feel this part before you can get better

Have you thought about hiring a professional declutterer? I have a tendency to hoard (clothes, mainly), and I found it very liberating to have someone come in to help. It was an emotionally exhausting process (and pricey!) but totally worth it. They also sold a lot of my things on eBay, took a small cut and I got quite a decent amount of cash from it.

I rent a storage unit. Started off small then every year a bigger unit! So I’m still working on it.

One tip you might try and something that definitely works for me is you can get rid of all paperwork by taking a photo of anything you think you might want to keep. This makes a big difference.

I’m going to watch this thread and pick up some inspiration too!

Before you move everything out to your mums (out of sight and out of mind), I'd give some thought to how you want it to be once you've finished, so you have a vision of what you're aiming for and how things will be different in your life. Do you want people to come and stay or us some of the hoarding designed to keep them out? How will you stop yourself from filling the space again? Is it worth setting an upper price limit on new hobbies? For 8 weeks of a new hobby you can only spend £50 max on things for the hobby, and you have to move on from one before you start the next?

Also how do you plan to release items, especially with charity shops shut? Are you happy to bin things? Are you going to try and sell things to recoup money, and if so, do you have time for this? Are you happy to donate things? Or produce job lots for auction houses?

I think it's easy to move the problem out to a storage unit, but I worry that without a clear plan and vision, it won't be that easy (speaking from experience of living with someone with hoarding tendencies)

Hey, I really feel for you and like others have said, you're making a big step admitting it's a problem.

I grew up in a severe hoarding house and it was really traumatic and unsafe - I think it was eventually condemned. And I grew up not knowing what to throw away, and not knowing how to organise or keep a house clean.

There are specialised cleaners that deal with hoarding houses - I don't know if this would help because it's normally from the mess and decay that comes with it.

Another option would be CBT or another kind of therapy to help let go of the behaviour.

For me what helped was to distinguish the difference between 'things' and 'feelings' - I kept memories, feelings, and attachment to things which made them hard to throw away, where I actually felt much better if I just got rid of them. Or I would think things would have an eventual use when they actually wouldn't and it was better just to throw them out.

It also really helped when I moved house, lost half the things I packed, and realised I was actually happier without it. It just helped break the bonds. And then I got a cleaner and learned basic cleaning and organisation tips online.

Good luck x

I think you should get some therapy to deal with the cause rather than just handling the symptom (the excess stuff).
You are not worthless or skanky, you are a good person who is loved.

OP this is so brave of you to acknowledge. I admit that I have a problem with hoarding as well, although not to the same extent. I have been chucking stuff out and it hit me the one day that lots of stuff reminds me of extremely traumatic times in my life and going through my possessions brings up all the pain and memories again, no wonder they sit in a dusty box. Have you had any major trauma in your life? I think it's worth exploring all this with a professional.

I also noticed I was hoarding food last January in preparation for Brexit, I felt so anxious that my stash made me temporarily feel better, then it got so big it stressed me out. In the end I gave a load to the food bank as it was getting close to the use by date, I haven't replaced it which is a good thing.

Acknowledging you have a problem is the first stage. As others have said look on the nhs site, hoarding, serious hoarding is a mental health issue, often helped with counselling to understand why it started and provide coping mechanisms, so you don’t go back

Please seek professional help, it really is an illness that is best talked about

I’m going to go against the grain and say, I don’t think you should offload to your mum’s or a storage unit. I think you will only fill the holes the stuff leaves eventually.

You need an experienced therapist who deals with hoarding first and foremost, if you can afford it. Please be kind to yourself - especially now that its harder than ever to get stuff out the house, but I think you need help, to get on the right track.

I have a friend who has a similar issue to you. She lives in an immaculately clean and tidy house but oh the stuff.

Again, similarly she goes through hobbies where she will buy everything to do with that hobby. If she goes on holiday she brings back a suitcase of momentoes etc.

Could you implement at minimum a 1 in one out rule? If you want to start a new hobby you have to get rid of the stuff from an old hobby etc?

You need a strategy to stop bringing more in - friends problem really ramped up when she moved and got an attic and a garage to fill so I'm not sure that moving stuff out to an intermediate place (while a great plan) is enough on its own.

Well done for meeting it head on. You can do it.

I really understand and have elements of this. I find it difficult to let go of clothes and toiletries particularly. I turn a blind eye to boxes of craft stuff because bI can't bear sorting it and making decisions. New clothes in stores and on websites, hanging neatly, clean and ironed are always more attractive than clothes at home. I buy thinking they'll solve a problem, but within a week they are added to the piles that I hardly know I have.
Can I suggest sending all the excess food that's in date to a food bank this week. You know it won't be wasted.
Finding a strategy to stop buying anything else is so important. I know that I want more experiences and travel now. I need to channel savings into that. I'll follow this thread for ideas.

There is some great stuff on youtube, e.. Erica Lucas or Hoarders Heart, highly recommend. The latter has a really loving and understanding approach to her own hoarding, which I think is key. The therapy (self-examination) part is as crucial as the getting rid of things part.
youtube.com/channel/UCX6kzJb0vMVQYUTStsCATGQ

Try the one item a day thread in the Housekeeping section of MN, if that helps to have accountability.

This is great step just to realise what you have done. My mum is a bad hoarder (as in wrecking properties, living without power in a landfill site bad) and I have tendencies (albeit much cleaner, nicer stuff and organised). I have done a lot of reading into it. Honestly what helps me is making it a daily habit and a game to let go of things for a vision I have for us of a pretty minimalist yet relaxing and cosy home. Teach yourself to declutter and only what feels good to let go of. Like a muscle, if you start small it gets bigger and easier with practice. I have made great strides, you can too! Good luck.

I'm a fellow hoarder who has at times risked problems at work through messy workspace, problems with friends/flatmates, and a general sense of anxiety from living in a cluttered space. I really sympathise, and I admire you for setting it all out so clearly!
Like previous posters I'd really recommend you invest some money, if you can, in counselling. Hoarding is definitely about the feelings more than the things.
I also found that getting an external declutterer was quite helpful, but one that would put my belongings on ebay & sell them for me (as per PP) would have been awesome!! In the end I didn't sell the things we had set aside to sell, and just returned them to the hoard. :(

Good luck with it, and hang on in there! Things can get better xx

I would also suggest a professional declutterer who can help you work through the process.

A professional can help keep you on track and stop you from being too overwhelmed by it all, especially if you aren't used to decluttering.

You need a multi pronged attack.

Emotional support probably a specialist counsellor/CBT ( if it was easy you would already have done it), truly you know it's an emotional issue underneath.

Probably someone to start to work through it alongside you with permission to keep you in task.

When you are on a roll, practical help to dispose/sell/tip. But take the route of least effort/no return, e.g eBay agency or professional declutter person.

Be kind to yourself, it sounds like the problem is in your head/heart and you and your lovely DP deserve better.

Would agree that taking it to your Mum’s is a bad idea. It’s just moving the problem. Not sorting it. If you can tackle the problem in 6-8 weeks from hers- you can do it from yours too.

Work out what’s stopping you from chucking it? Landfill guilt? The money spent? You think you’ll use it one day?

Find new homes for as much as you can. Bin the rest. You won’t miss it. Promise.

My best friend is a hoarder and I've supported her a lot over the years. It's hard to help a hoarder as they have to want to do it themselves at their own speed.

Now you've decided to do something about it I think you should just start getting rid of things instead of making plans to save money and then spend it on a trip with your mother. It's not money you've saved as you shouldn't have to rent a storage unit in the first place! Surely the last thing you should be planning on doing is spending yet more money on yourself!

I think most hoarders think that their things are nice and 'just excess stuff'. My best friend hoards china. She thinks she collects it. She thinks she will use this china in a life she can't lead because her house is full of china. She can't have a dinner party with a soup tureen etc because of all the china!

I notice that you said you can't get rid of anything that you feel has a value. I think you will be able to move forward more quickly if you realise that you've spent that money now. It's gone. If you do want to try and sell things it needs to be all at once. All of your candle making stuff all at once for one price as a job lot and set a time period and if it doesn't sell then give it away. Otherwise you are going to be dragging this out for a long time.

Would it work if you felt that the things you were getting rid of weren’t being wasted? So contact your nearest food bank and offer them the excess pantry food, a women’s shelter to offer the bath/body products, etc?