I have a hoarding problem. AIBU to ask for any advice?

[timetosortmylifeout]

This is a long post so for anyone who gives it their time I really appreciate you!

Just posting for some advice really in case anyone has or knows someone with experience with this. Not sure AIBU is the best place but I need some advice and fast as I am not in a good place and need to work through this fast.

I've always been a bit of a hoarder, come from a family who always kept stuff, had cupboards stuffed full, never wasted most food even if way out of date etc... grew up living out of boxes between my mums and grandparents and student halls... with all my stuff stored across several places at any one time.

Fast forward to now, been living with my partner for ten years. First few in his house which was a small two bedroom. I paid hardly any rent at the time and yet the house was full 90% with my stuff. I refused to acknowledge the problem or actively work on it then. Bless him he just accepted it even though our spare room was full of my junk and with each new hobby and interest, I'd buy new stuff.

Not just that but with every interest I go all in. Got into cooking and bought probably hundreds of cookbooks. Then skincare, same. Then arts and crafts.. now have a room full. Before that there was clothes.. candles... supplies from abroad I couldn't get at home.. probably have at least a suitcase full of bath and body works from trips to America etc. It is a real issue and I just lived my life and kept my lounge relatively uncluttered and ignored all the crap meaning 2 out of our 3 bedrooms were a challenge to access or find anything.

Fast forward to today, we have been living in a bigger house which I've filled yet again with 90% of my stuff and my partner had a better approach and gently sat with me and offered to help me sort through the worst room, categorise and declutter everything. With his support it felt less intimidating but I realised I do have a huge hoarding problem as I get extremely anxious and distressed when sorting through things and find it so hard to throw an item away if it has value or could be needed etc.

The items I am 'storing' aren't junk, it's all nice things just excess stuff. I'm embarrassed to say I have three times as much pantry based food stored in the spare room than I do in the actual kitchen. It's disgusting and most things were out of date before they were even used. As for the money I've wasted! It is disgusting and I'm extremely embarrassed but also feel that admitting this and potentially getting some very blunt responses will help me feel accountable and nip this in the bud for once and for all.

I have tried over the years to Konmari and tidy etc but it never lasts long or makes real progress, I struggle to be brutal and just throw things away so if anyone suggests that it isn't so easy for me, so if anyone has any particular tips for a hoarder that would be most helpful.

It's rubbish for my partner as if he wants friends to stay, I need to have plenty of notice to make things acceptable and more often than not we just don't as it's too difficult. I had a breakdown tonight and said he doesn't deserve me and would be happier here alone without all my stuff. I feel so worthless.

From the outside you wouldn't know this about me. I have a good job, I dress well and look smart, have a good lifestyle, outside of my house is presentable and lounge is generally not even messy. But it's upstairs in the bedrooms that the crazy comes out.

He suggested tonight I rent a small storage unit. Throw everything in there and work through a box a week so I don't have the overwhelm of trying to do it and live in the same space. I like the idea and my mum has now offered me a room to use instead of paying.

I thought I could give her the money and each week I keep on track she pays me the weekly fee back. Then at the end of the say 6-8 weeks, I'll treat both of us to some kind of trip afterwards with the money.

No idea if this will work but I feel it's the only solution I can try... I literally have no idea what else to do. I'm so overwhelmed and can't spend any more time living this way and subjecting my partner to all of this. I guess I just needed to write this all down to admit it to myself, but I've had fantastic advice in here for countless other things so was hoping someone out there might have some advice for me.

Feel free to tell me what a skanky person I am, I know that and that's my motivation to get my shit together for good.

Please watch some docs. The therapeutic approach to tackling hoarding is so much better now than the simply remove the items idea from back along.
There is a Hoarders on Amazon which is about the American healthcare approach which I thought was amazing.

Then there are Brit docs by Jasmin harman which are very sensitive.

I think exploring the mh aspect is a good step x

I also think the storage unit and your mums house are bad ideas. Why would the guilt of it clogging up your mums spare room motivate you, when the guilt of clogging up your dps whole house for a decade hasn't effected you at all? Do not waste time and money moving stuff, to then throw it, or more likely to never throw it.*

*Sorry if that sounds harsh, as you sound nice, but you said you wanted straight talking

Also since there is nowhere to take items you are happy to discard right now it may be a difficult time to start reducing. What about doing some significant reading and reflecting and talking about the issue.

About charity shops, you might find that an independent one will be open at a certain time during the week to accept donations (this is work that cannot be done at home so is permitted). If there's one nearby with a Facebook page, it might be worth asking.

I don't have a hoarding issue but l have to have a really good reason to get rid of something.

Think I'd start with your hobbies. Do you still do them? Is there one that you tried and it wasn't for you?

I'd then get those items and either try and sell them or I'd advertise on FB marketplace that they are free to collector.

I do this now as it fulfills my need of nothing throwing out perfectly good items, as someone else wants them

Start by getting rid of the out of date food and anything that’s obviously rubbish.

Excess food and toiletries could go to a food bank.

It can be hard to get rid of Hobby related stuff But if you’ve got a room full of craft stuff you’re never going to use it all. Maybe try selling some of it as a bundle on Gumtree. Free cycle if it doesn’t sell.

Also, I'd use your list making as a tool to help you feel more in control.

So as you said earlier, you use an app for the food.

Do that for your other items.... i.e 5 notepads. Choose your favourite 3, donate the other two.

On your "stationery" list you document the notebooks. Then if you feel you neef another one, you can check the list...see you have 3 already and can reason with yourself why you don't need anymore currently

Need...

DO NOT do a storage unit or move stuff to your mum’s. A lovely empty house needs to be the reward for doing the work, worst thing you can do is tell yourself that you’ve go the reward without the work, and then start back into your cycle again.

I agree with others that selling things or giving them away helps to part with items easier. Tell yourself that even if an item is useful, if it is not USED then it is only rubbish to you.

For hobby stuff: put all one hobby together in a box ans advertise that for sale as a bulk lot. Let yourself pick maybe 3 hobbies total to keep, with a maximum of 1 large box per hobby. When you sell the stuff, invest in doing something RELATED to your chosen hobby that is an experience not an item. You need to retrain your brain to value an experience rather than an item. One hobby that brings you joy and that you (for example) visit a related museum, do a short course and join a club for is much better than 20 abandoned hobbies.

Instead of punishing and criticising yourself, I think you need to look in the opposite direction. Hoarding, collection, having a huge store, is some kind of positive gratification to you. If you could work out what need it represents or satisfies then you might be able to address the cause and overcome it.

Here's some more positives; you recognise there's a problem and want to address it; and you have two allies, a mum and partner who are sympathetic and supportive.

Perhaps displacing the hoard to a new location (concealing it) is not the way to go?   As you have great back up,  why not ask them to help you find a specialist  therapist.

If your mum wants to help, maybe you could move the bags of things to give to charity shops when they reopen to her for the spare room. It will make it a lot easier to have more room to continue sorting. But tie up the bags and do not open them again!

There is value in taking concrete steps even before you identify and accept the psychological reasons for acquiring and holding on to things. You have taken the hardest step already, of recognizing your behavior as a problem for YOU. Do NOT worry about what others think; do what will make you satisfied with YOURSELF.

One of the hardest things to do is just getting started. So take these orders from a random stranger on the internet.

There is one week left in February. Assign yourself the task of emptying one of your spaces by March 1, whether a closet or a room. This is a job, there is a payoff at the end, so make time each day to do it. I find it easier to do it all at once, you may find it easier to tackle X hours per day or by sections. Pick one scheme and stick to it, for one week.

You are not to take any intermediate actions. The physical effort of moving objects to your mother’s place makes double the work. You would touch it now, and you will have to touch it later. Touch things once. Decide at that moment what happens to it, sort it, and keep moving. Do not physically handle things more than once. Do not set something aside because you plan to take it to another room. Take it there, and come back.

Have a carton of garbage bags ready. Take the item, sort it into separate bags depending on if it is clothing, a craft, or to be thrown away. As bags are filled remove them from the area, and keep going. Do not save anything to sell. That is a pointless endeavor and only defers the removal of these things from your space. If you don't know who to donate to make it trash. Allow yourself momentary regret but KEEP MOVING. You will feel so happy at the end of each session at what you have accomplished that it will motivate you to continue. Besides it is an assignment so just keep doing it.

Your immediate reward is an enjoyable space. As you already have a vision of a scandi design esthetic, keep this alive in your mind by envisioning how this room will look. You are allowed one new purchase to tie your room together AFTER it has been emptied out. Do as much virtual shopping as you like but never place the order. If for example a rug is the perfect item (that you don't already own), envision it, hunt for it, and bookmark it but never ever buy. When the room is emptied go back to these bookmarks and compare two items at a time. Eventually one choice will be the clear winner and you can let yourself get it. Then delete all the remaining bookmarks.

Your long-term reward is the sense of freedom from relinquishing a burden. Getting rid of the physical burden will enable you to get rid of the mental burden.

If you accept this assignment report back in one week. Report back daily if it helps you stay on track.
Sometimes you just need someone to make you do the thing you already want to do. Treat this as your consultant and go for it.

Well at least you acknowledge you've a problem. That's a good step.

All that money wasted, all that space clogged up, all those nice things that you won't use and other people won't have the benefit of either in 'giving' fashion. All the times you can't have friends round because your home is cluttered and dusty.

A neighbour years ago was a hoarder. When he passed away I was looking out of the window when the house clearance company came to take his stuff away. I still remember how sad it was to see his personal items thrown into back of a lorry, how sad that he'd just lived a cluttered life and didn't even use the mounds of stuff he collected -

& in the end strangers came took his stuff to sell and that was it. What was the point of it all?

I think this society encourages us to store great value on having "things", more and more things, as if that's the be all and end all. & This doesn't help.

Therapy is a good idea as you do want to change so it should be beneficial

It's tied up with you trying to be a good person.
Your values as a person are put into the objects because you struggle to communicate your values and feelings to other people.

What is it that you are trying to tell people about yourself through these objects?

This is the area for you to focus on. Not the objects themselves, but the relationship and how attached or 'sticky' you are to them.
Look at the invisible glue that keeps you bound to them.

Start with a couple of items. Ask yourself 'how does this item make me a good person?'
If the item could talk, what would it tell others about you?
What is the valuable job that the item is doing for you?

Take a couple of items and a sheet of paper and write it down. You might be very surprised at how much love and meaning there is there about you that goes unexpressed.

If you take the approach that the excess items are doing a valuable and meaningful job for you, that might help you identify what that job is, and what other ways could you find to do that same job?
It's not a random process. There is meaning and value behind the process.
Not sure if this makes any sense, I could be completely off track here.

If you move stuff to your mum's - which I don't think is fair on her - then you need to set a time limit, no longer than 6 weeks, and give her permission to chuck the whole lot without a glance if you haven't dealt with it. (And that does not mean renting storage or moving it back to yours.)
You don't need to handle, caress and ponder every item. You just need to put it in a bin bag and give it to a charity. Don't even think of selling it - you'll be wrapping parcels and queuing in the post office for ever.

Have you thought about donating?

As you say, a lot of anxiety comes from the idea of these things going to waste but if you donated them, they'd be loved still, just by someone who had the time to focus on them.

Learning to let go is a skill. I hope you find some good advice here

For a start - stop beating yourself up because that is really not going to help. People avoid doing things that make them anxious - if you have a whole lot of negative conitations going on with your hoarding then you are of course going to avoid it.
Hoarding is OCD. You need to get professional help. Ask your dr to refer you to the NHS. They are amazing with OCD and hoarding. Its not just clearing out stuff and deep down you know it. If it was as simple as going through a box once a week you would have done it by now.
Hoarding/OCD can be heridatory - its not always just ways of living and behaviour you learn from your family but your brain has been put together differently from other people too.
I have had loads of hoarding therapy and its really surprised me how complicated it actually is to get on top of. Its the whole why are we buying to acquiring stuff in the first place. I can actually remember my very first OCD experience when I was around 18 months old but the big trigger for me developing hoarding was when my mother gave birth to my little sister, we moved countries and I started school for the first time aged 5 all within a matter of months. Hoarding can be many things but for me it started as a way to try and gather things around me to feel safe. I was actually building a physical wall of stuff to help protect me emotionally.
And then you have the how to get rid of things. For me we were very poor growing up and I only had a few toys or personal possessions. This resulted in me having strong feelings towards these possessions - a feeling I passed onto the many many posessions I bought and stored as an adult. I struggle with sorting things which cost a significant amount of money ie feeling guilty I had spent hard earned money on something I never use. But also feeling attached to it because of the strong feelings I put on possessions. I overcome this by giving alot of my stuff to charity. I have charities like an orphange in Africa that get my children's clothes, shoes and books and a family homeless charity that get a lot of household things. At Christmas I gave the family homeless charity toys that had never been played with and new clothes with tags on them. I reasoned they could share them out as Christmas presents if they wanted to. They were of course grateful - but they were doing me a bigger favour than I was doing them. Because my other option was to sell these items on ebay and I know I would never had gotten around to doing this.
If you can afford it, I recommend you also find some charities and just give this stuff away. The life cost of the time sorting and selling things is so much greater than the money you will earn.
Can I just add though - please get professional help. When I was in my 20s I had a huge garage sale and sold most things but my very treasured childhood memories. I literally came to England with two suitcases of clothes. But I very quickly found myself almost immediately beginning to hoard again in an almost desperate way - and of course after therapy it made sense I was feeling alone and insecure and gathering stuff around me is what I do in this situations.
But overall - please just remember you are not a bad person. Hoarding is how you have learnt to respond to situations. Its just a behaviour that you can learn to manage and replace with healthier behaviours when you learn how.

I'm in agreement with the posters who say do not move the stuff wholesale to your mums or a storage unit. This is not wise at all.

It isn't tackling the problem.

You have options.

If you're allowing yourself just one room for your stuff, how will it be stored? A wardrobe? A cupboard? A stack of really useful boxes?

In your shoes, I would preallocate the amount of space you're willing to give your stuff.

Let's say you have space for 10 x 64 litre really useful boxes or a wardrobe. That's the goal. Then, go through each category of stuff. If craft is the largest, maybe allocate yourself 2 x boxes. Then, fill those boxes with the very best of your craft stuff. The stuff you will not part with. Leave the remainder for now.

Then repeat the process for each category.

At the end of the process you will be able to see what it's like to have kept the best stuff, how much room that takes up and you haven't had the trauma of getting rid of anything.

The next step is the hard bit. Again, tackle in the same categories. So the left over craft stuff. What will you do with it? Sell it? Donate to a school or something? Donate it to a charity shop? Can you bear to part with it? At the very least, from this left over pile, try and release at least some of it. Broken items in the bin. Half used items in one pile. Items good enough to donate in another. And a final pile for things that you want to keep but currently don't have room to store. Repeat for the other categories.

You'll find as you go through the process you may be willing to see the pile of the leftover stuff get smaller and smaller.

Then, you have created the space you want, in that you know you have a wardrobe full, or the 10 really useful boxes full of the things you're definitely keeping. You should have at least managed to weed out some stuff that you know you won't keep.

So the problem then, is only the stuff you don't have space to store. This is the pile that will be the hardest to deal with. You have to ask yourself why am I so keen to keep this? Does keeping this make me happy? Or does it actually make me happier to see the new space I will create by getting rid of it.

If you end up with a couple of left over boxes, boxes that don't fit in the original plan of how much space you are allocating your stuff, but that are full of things you want to keep, then you can decide to store those up the loft, or at your mums.

Bless you, sounds hard. Be gentle on yourself.

As the former manager of a self storage facility, don’t rent a storage unit. You’ll pay every month, and never go through the stored stuff, spending more than its value.

I agree with @DonLewis, I have found a reverse sorting kind of approach helped me declutter (although not on your scale).

When you get to this point, collect things together, and then choose what to keep, not what to get rid of. Choose the best first, and maybe a backup, and then you can release the rest knowing you will not miss or need it, becuase you already picked out what you need. Some of it might have had good intentions and you can just say, well it was a good idea at the time but I've moved on.

Donate them - think of how much enjoyment these items will bring others

@3littlemonkeys82

I've definitely got tendencies to hold on to things, and the pandemic has increased the anxiety.

I have this constant feeling of 'Well I can't throw/give away this (insert item) because I don't know when I can get another one etc...

I agree that you need to deal with the root cause, but try not to overwhelm yourself with the actual physical task.

What I have found has helped is setting myself limits, so using containers to actually contain the number of items. One box of makeup products, one small box of skincare products, one bathroom cabinet for all toiletries, one container for cleaning supplies. If it doesn't fit something has to go to make space.

I've recently had a few weeks off work and set myself a challenge to get rid of one carrier bag of stuff per day. Whether it was donated, sold or binned just one bag per day. 16 bags out in 16 days. It might not feel like a lot of you've really filled your space, but its manageable and not overwhelming and over a year, well 365 bags hopefully you'd feel the difference.

This is a really good idea and manageable on even the busiest of days when you have no energy. Will definitely have a go at this one, thank you.

@MereDintofPandiculation

I am doing my best with this at the moment - trying to use up the food (not if it's gone manky) in weekly meal plans and I have an app where I've made a sort of inventory of everything I have, so I can check before I buy what I have already. That's impressive, to have an inventory of your food stock! However do you keep it up to date? I trust if it's gone manky you actually throw it out and not put it back "just in case"

Haha yes I do! I only keep track of pantry based food because I've acquired so much, and freezer stuff because that's also jam packed and trying to clear it out.

I don't track fresh food or anything that's on high rotation. And yes if it's gone a bit grim it goes out the door thank god!

@DextrousCT

There is value in taking concrete steps even before you identify and accept the psychological reasons for acquiring and holding on to things. You have taken the hardest step already, of recognizing your behavior as a problem for YOU. Do NOT worry about what others think; do what will make you satisfied with YOURSELF.

One of the hardest things to do is just getting started. So take these orders from a random stranger on the internet.

There is one week left in February. Assign yourself the task of emptying one of your spaces by March 1, whether a closet or a room. This is a job, there is a payoff at the end, so make time each day to do it. I find it easier to do it all at once, you may find it easier to tackle X hours per day or by sections. Pick one scheme and stick to it, for one week.

You are not to take any intermediate actions. The physical effort of moving objects to your mother’s place makes double the work. You would touch it now, and you will have to touch it later. Touch things once. Decide at that moment what happens to it, sort it, and keep moving. Do not physically handle things more than once. Do not set something aside because you plan to take it to another room. Take it there, and come back.

Have a carton of garbage bags ready. Take the item, sort it into separate bags depending on if it is clothing, a craft, or to be thrown away. As bags are filled remove them from the area, and keep going. Do not save anything to sell. That is a pointless endeavor and only defers the removal of these things from your space. If you don't know who to donate to make it trash. Allow yourself momentary regret but KEEP MOVING. You will feel so happy at the end of each session at what you have accomplished that it will motivate you to continue. Besides it is an assignment so just keep doing it.

Your immediate reward is an enjoyable space. As you already have a vision of a scandi design esthetic, keep this alive in your mind by envisioning how this room will look. You are allowed one new purchase to tie your room together AFTER it has been emptied out. Do as much virtual shopping as you like but never place the order. If for example a rug is the perfect item (that you don't already own), envision it, hunt for it, and bookmark it but never ever buy. When the room is emptied go back to these bookmarks and compare two items at a time. Eventually one choice will be the clear winner and you can let yourself get it. Then delete all the remaining bookmarks.

Your long-term reward is the sense of freedom from relinquishing a burden. Getting rid of the physical burden will enable you to get rid of the mental burden.

If you accept this assignment report back in one week. Report back daily if it helps you stay on track.
Sometimes you just need someone to make you do the thing you already want to do. Treat this as your consultant and go for it.

I love this idea. Will definitely do this, thank you