I have a hoarding problem. AIBU to ask for any advice?

[timetosortmylifeout]

This is a long post so for anyone who gives it their time I really appreciate you!

Just posting for some advice really in case anyone has or knows someone with experience with this. Not sure AIBU is the best place but I need some advice and fast as I am not in a good place and need to work through this fast.

I've always been a bit of a hoarder, come from a family who always kept stuff, had cupboards stuffed full, never wasted most food even if way out of date etc... grew up living out of boxes between my mums and grandparents and student halls... with all my stuff stored across several places at any one time.

Fast forward to now, been living with my partner for ten years. First few in his house which was a small two bedroom. I paid hardly any rent at the time and yet the house was full 90% with my stuff. I refused to acknowledge the problem or actively work on it then. Bless him he just accepted it even though our spare room was full of my junk and with each new hobby and interest, I'd buy new stuff.

Not just that but with every interest I go all in. Got into cooking and bought probably hundreds of cookbooks. Then skincare, same. Then arts and crafts.. now have a room full. Before that there was clothes.. candles... supplies from abroad I couldn't get at home.. probably have at least a suitcase full of bath and body works from trips to America etc. It is a real issue and I just lived my life and kept my lounge relatively uncluttered and ignored all the crap meaning 2 out of our 3 bedrooms were a challenge to access or find anything.

Fast forward to today, we have been living in a bigger house which I've filled yet again with 90% of my stuff and my partner had a better approach and gently sat with me and offered to help me sort through the worst room, categorise and declutter everything. With his support it felt less intimidating but I realised I do have a huge hoarding problem as I get extremely anxious and distressed when sorting through things and find it so hard to throw an item away if it has value or could be needed etc.

The items I am 'storing' aren't junk, it's all nice things just excess stuff. I'm embarrassed to say I have three times as much pantry based food stored in the spare room than I do in the actual kitchen. It's disgusting and most things were out of date before they were even used. As for the money I've wasted! It is disgusting and I'm extremely embarrassed but also feel that admitting this and potentially getting some very blunt responses will help me feel accountable and nip this in the bud for once and for all.

I have tried over the years to Konmari and tidy etc but it never lasts long or makes real progress, I struggle to be brutal and just throw things away so if anyone suggests that it isn't so easy for me, so if anyone has any particular tips for a hoarder that would be most helpful.

It's rubbish for my partner as if he wants friends to stay, I need to have plenty of notice to make things acceptable and more often than not we just don't as it's too difficult. I had a breakdown tonight and said he doesn't deserve me and would be happier here alone without all my stuff. I feel so worthless.

From the outside you wouldn't know this about me. I have a good job, I dress well and look smart, have a good lifestyle, outside of my house is presentable and lounge is generally not even messy. But it's upstairs in the bedrooms that the crazy comes out.

He suggested tonight I rent a small storage unit. Throw everything in there and work through a box a week so I don't have the overwhelm of trying to do it and live in the same space. I like the idea and my mum has now offered me a room to use instead of paying.

I thought I could give her the money and each week I keep on track she pays me the weekly fee back. Then at the end of the say 6-8 weeks, I'll treat both of us to some kind of trip afterwards with the money.

No idea if this will work but I feel it's the only solution I can try... I literally have no idea what else to do. I'm so overwhelmed and can't spend any more time living this way and subjecting my partner to all of this. I guess I just needed to write this all down to admit it to myself, but I've had fantastic advice in here for countless other things so was hoping someone out there might have some advice for me.

Feel free to tell me what a skanky person I am, I know that and that's my motivation to get my shit together for good.

Thank you everyone for the support and advice. I've come up with a bit of a plan and I'm happy to use this group to keep me accountable, and for anyone else who wants to get involved feel free!

I have made a 60 day no spend plan. This will tie in with how long my mum will keep some of my things and after that time she will throw them out regardless. I understand the mixed opinions on this part, but for me it will help with the overwhelm and knowing where to start. I'm confident I will not simply refill everything back up again, as I have been making small steps with that already.

I'm going to do a full no/low spend year and have watched some really helpful videos on this on YouTube. If something makes it out of this house to go to my mums spare room, it has to be something of value I want to keep and won't need between now and the end of April. If I'll need it before that date it needs to be dealt with and given an official home right away.

I'll chuck out anything I don't want without significant value. Anything else will be sold or given away. The more valuable items will go on eBay (via a third party to ensure it's done and is less time consuming, progress over profit for me here), larger things through Facebook market place and lower value either charity if it's an option or donate.. I have second cousins with big families and lower incomes who can probably benefit from a vat of women's clothing!

Hopefully this is a good idea, because without moving some of it out so I can start to shape it up, I am getting nowhere as I've tried that tactic in the past. I won't be moving everything out, just priority B items as such in my spare rooms. Then I'll sort through the generalist clutter in the rest of the house and work through that stuff bit my bit.

My mum doesn't have as bad a problem as me (my Nan has a worse problem than me), but my mum wants to join me on this mission.. my mum is ironically a complete clean tidying freak but struggles to throw things away and simply keeps them neat behind her cupboards.. opening a kitchen cupboard is a death trap at hers! But the outward house you see is spotless.. so a different way! But I'm hoping we can support each other on this and as I sort my own space out I can then share my leanings with her.

Thank you again everyone

Also if someone can tell me how to reply to a post without quoting the entire content that would be most helpful

Would it help to know things aren’t being thrown out and are ‘useful.’ So instead of binning food, do a big food bank run with the in date pantry bits- and the bath and body works stuff. You’d feel so good for donating- and then even better when you saw the improved space. The freezer being full wouldn’t have to be gone through- just stop buying frozen for a while and every couple of days pull something out for dinner or freezer potluck! Then it’s not really a job you have to set time aside for, it will gradually reduce.

Would schools or art groups take some of the arts and crafts stuff?

I have a similar problem. My advice is DO NOT get a storage unit to help with the issue. We got one to store a few pieces of my DP's furniture in when he moved in with me last year. We now have 2 (shipping containers) absolutely packed to the brim.
We're in the process of moving to a much bigger house to put all this stuff in and the house is already full. We have only emptied part of one container so far.

@PocketFluff

If your mum wants to help, maybe you could move the bags of things to give to charity shops when they reopen to her for the spare room. It will make it a lot easier to have more room to continue sorting. But tie up the bags and do not open them again!

This is a good idea.

Moving stuff to your mum's, or a storage unit, that you HAVEN'T already sorted and bagged is a terrible idea - I agree with others here that this will just give you space to fill up with more stuff.

But moving stuff that you've already sorted to a different house, so that you cannot reopen the bags, is a great idea.

What works for me in decluttering (and I am not a natural declutterer, as you'd know if you saw my flat), is to think of it like sending your unused, wonderful stuff to be adopted by people with the time and space to appreciate them. So when I pull a wonderful thing out of a box, and admire it, and want to keep it, I try and remember that I have never used it, and it would be much better admired by someone who will actually use it. Give purpose to all your unused stuff!

Good luck, OP.

@timetosortmylifeout - it's 5 days since you started the thread. Time to be held accountable!! What have you done so far?

Well done for making the first big step! With all the food items, any perishables might have to be chucked. Anything that’s gone out of date, check the expiry date and not just the best before date as there is a difference between something that has reached the best before date and the expiry date. Anything that has not reached the best before date yet, consider wiping down and donating food bank (call beforehand to discuss arrangements so you can deliver the food safely). Once you’ve done all of that, have a look at what you have left and then meal plan.

Regarding the other items you are hoarding, give yourself a cut off date like 3 months or 6 months. If you haven’t used the item in more than 6 months, is it really of any use to you? Be honest with yourself. Consider donating, selling or giving away.

I definitely think you should not use your mum’s room or a storage unit as it’s out of sight and out of mind, you’ll forget what you have and buy more or any usable items might not be utilized properly or sold/donated/given away.

How are you getting on OP? I have had a big drive on clearing my kids clothes this week, selling on Ebay or giving away on FB. Its spurred me on the clear out the living room too.

The only room in my house that looks like a hoarders house is my bedroom. I can sit on any sofa, get to all the kids wardrobes and draws and its amazing. It's also so much easier to keep it clean and tidy

My bestie had this issue. She suffered some really awful trauma, and it was definitely a comfort thing. I also overshop, for me it’s limited to clothing, and probably food too, but she was overbuying in every area.
We did a no shopping challenge, started for a month, but she’s been doing it for two years now. She is a different person. I’ve since bought some after the first 5 months, but it’s really, really improved for me too.
I think the doing it one day at a time, and not really starting the clean up until you’re in the new habit of not adding items to the clutter could be a gentler way to start. For me, I had a lot of heartbreaking pregnancy loss and miscarriages etc, I had baby items I wanted to use! I bought things in hope, it was an obvious and direct link to my emotional state. I’ve recently given away 7 large boxes of baby gear that I had from my son for 10 years, that I couldn’t bear to part with... I didn’t even think twice and was glad to have that wardrobe clear. You can get there.
I also set myself a challenge to plan meals exclusively from the pantry or freezer. I can add fresh veg, etc, but it has to be based on stuff I’ve had. I know this would be obvious to others but this one was growing up very poor and wanting a buffer, resulting in ramming the pantry full of dry goods.
Doing these small changes before attempting a clean out made the clean out much easier... I don’t think it’s possible to go from 0-100 on this.
good luck!!

I've been thinking of you op and I hope you are ok and it sounds like progress. It sounds like this is something for you to try and constantly keep on top off. I'm the same but with anxiety.

It sounds hard going but I'm sure you will get there.

Good luck OP.
Your issues sound different to mine, as you buy stuff whereas for me I don’t have a buying issue but a throwing away issue. What I found helped with the throwing away issue was (a) not buying things I knew I would get attached to, for example I now don’t buy programmes at events as I know I struggle to get rid of them, (b) as somebody else said, taking photos of things for the memories, which helps me get rid of them, (c) knowing I am doing something helpful with them (charity shops etc) where they are still in good condition, (d) having a very defined space for my things and absolutely not allowing creep.

For (a) and (d) I had to be very very strong with the rules. Not easy but I know it’s key to being ok.

Wishing you luck as I know it’s not easy but it’s great you are trying!

OP, I suggest you check out "Life Pod" in Edinburgh. They are experts in hoarding disorder. I think you can do an online course which may help you to understand hoarding

My mum is a hoarder and I got her an excellent book called "Buried in Treasures" written by therapists. It goes through all the reasoning behind hoarding and is an active book that gets you as the hoarder to go through steps and actions to help you understand why you hoard and help you clear it. You have to work with it and do the activities but it's very good at helping you understand yourself.

I'm not sure you should move anything until you have found some help and establish why you are doing this.
If you dump it at your mum's you are creating a space you will fill and find excuses not to sort through what is at your mums,and how often would you drop off there than pick up?
Think this through,seek help and then begin to move forward step by step.
Good luck,it can be done.

@ChristOnAPeloton

Would agree that taking it to your Mum’s is a bad idea. It’s just moving the problem. Not sorting it. If you can tackle the problem in 6-8 weeks from hers- you can do it from yours too.

Work out what’s stopping you from chucking it? Landfill guilt? The money spent? You think you’ll use it one day?

Find new homes for as much as you can. Bin the rest. You won’t miss it. Promise.

Yeah I don't think moving it to mums is a good idea either. It's just moving the problem from one location to another. And you won't deal with it there, you just won't. So then your mum's house is becoming a hoarders den too.

It's a bloody horrible problem to have though, fully understand that. But you do need to be ruthless and chuck stuff out, don't even give it a second thought. Chuck it. The bath and body stuff can go to your local food bank, they will take stuff like that too. Any in date food, same place. Anything else, get rid of it. Maybe hire a skip and just start chucking it all in.

You will feel so much better afterwards. But it is hard to do, you need to be strong. You're already proving that by admitting the problem, you are strong. You know what needs to be done, so get it done.

I'm not a very problematic hoarder (yet), but I have too much stuff and keep stuff I don't need for others/rainy day/memories/etc - like my parents.

I can't add much more than other excellent posters, but I have one recommendation. "Decluttering at the speed of life" is a great method/book that changed my mindset about 'tidying' because it helps you tackle clutter without the overwhelm. No big piles of sorting left around if you are interrupted or get tired.

www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B072TMNCBH/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_XXDC3EDSDA9TJVD5XWQP?tag=mumsnetforu03-21

Here's a video of someone trying out the method:

I’ve been trying to declutter in the last 2 weeks. Clothes is my main problem. I don’t even like clothes but I have too much. I don’t like throwing away especially if I’ve had them for a long time. I’ve got rid of nearly half but still so much left. I already feel like some weight has been lifted. Keep going! My mother likes to keep things and has more things than me. My brother and father are very good at throwing things away! They don’t even give it a second thought.

I've enjoyed reading this thread and ordered both books recommended. I feel like with the restrictions ending soon, it might be the jump start I need to get on top of the paralysing mess everywhere. Great advice on here and OP hope all going well for you x

This thread popped up in my history and I wondered how you are doing, OP? I hope that you have managed to clear some spaces, get rid of some stuff and create the home you want.
All the best

I have two people close to me who are hoarders. Their hoarding got more intense after some major losses in their lives and I can see their struggle with holding onto stuff, so definitely empathise with you. From my observations of these two family members I would say -

1. Therapy. Hoarding is a disorder similar to OCD (which I have) so something like CBT would be a good idea.

1. Don't get the storage space. Unless the compulsion is addressed this will probably not help as you will likely fill the rooms again. Not saying that with judgement, as I said I also have a compulsive disorder and know it must be a huge struggle.

I would also gently say that while you say everything you have is good stuff, you also mention keeping lots of old food that is not being eaten. Maybe therapy will help you work through why you acquire and hold onto this stuff.