I have a hoarding problem. AIBU to ask for any advice?

[timetosortmylifeout]

This is a long post so for anyone who gives it their time I really appreciate you!

Just posting for some advice really in case anyone has or knows someone with experience with this. Not sure AIBU is the best place but I need some advice and fast as I am not in a good place and need to work through this fast.

I've always been a bit of a hoarder, come from a family who always kept stuff, had cupboards stuffed full, never wasted most food even if way out of date etc... grew up living out of boxes between my mums and grandparents and student halls... with all my stuff stored across several places at any one time.

Fast forward to now, been living with my partner for ten years. First few in his house which was a small two bedroom. I paid hardly any rent at the time and yet the house was full 90% with my stuff. I refused to acknowledge the problem or actively work on it then. Bless him he just accepted it even though our spare room was full of my junk and with each new hobby and interest, I'd buy new stuff.

Not just that but with every interest I go all in. Got into cooking and bought probably hundreds of cookbooks. Then skincare, same. Then arts and crafts.. now have a room full. Before that there was clothes.. candles... supplies from abroad I couldn't get at home.. probably have at least a suitcase full of bath and body works from trips to America etc. It is a real issue and I just lived my life and kept my lounge relatively uncluttered and ignored all the crap meaning 2 out of our 3 bedrooms were a challenge to access or find anything.

Fast forward to today, we have been living in a bigger house which I've filled yet again with 90% of my stuff and my partner had a better approach and gently sat with me and offered to help me sort through the worst room, categorise and declutter everything. With his support it felt less intimidating but I realised I do have a huge hoarding problem as I get extremely anxious and distressed when sorting through things and find it so hard to throw an item away if it has value or could be needed etc.

The items I am 'storing' aren't junk, it's all nice things just excess stuff. I'm embarrassed to say I have three times as much pantry based food stored in the spare room than I do in the actual kitchen. It's disgusting and most things were out of date before they were even used. As for the money I've wasted! It is disgusting and I'm extremely embarrassed but also feel that admitting this and potentially getting some very blunt responses will help me feel accountable and nip this in the bud for once and for all.

I have tried over the years to Konmari and tidy etc but it never lasts long or makes real progress, I struggle to be brutal and just throw things away so if anyone suggests that it isn't so easy for me, so if anyone has any particular tips for a hoarder that would be most helpful.

It's rubbish for my partner as if he wants friends to stay, I need to have plenty of notice to make things acceptable and more often than not we just don't as it's too difficult. I had a breakdown tonight and said he doesn't deserve me and would be happier here alone without all my stuff. I feel so worthless.

From the outside you wouldn't know this about me. I have a good job, I dress well and look smart, have a good lifestyle, outside of my house is presentable and lounge is generally not even messy. But it's upstairs in the bedrooms that the crazy comes out.

He suggested tonight I rent a small storage unit. Throw everything in there and work through a box a week so I don't have the overwhelm of trying to do it and live in the same space. I like the idea and my mum has now offered me a room to use instead of paying.

I thought I could give her the money and each week I keep on track she pays me the weekly fee back. Then at the end of the say 6-8 weeks, I'll treat both of us to some kind of trip afterwards with the money.

No idea if this will work but I feel it's the only solution I can try... I literally have no idea what else to do. I'm so overwhelmed and can't spend any more time living this way and subjecting my partner to all of this. I guess I just needed to write this all down to admit it to myself, but I've had fantastic advice in here for countless other things so was hoping someone out there might have some advice for me.

Feel free to tell me what a skanky person I am, I know that and that's my motivation to get my shit together for good.

I'm in the exact same situation as you OP!
I've filled my 3 bed house with just tons of stuff!
People perceive me as organised and that I've got it together but the state of the bedrooms upstairs tell a different story!
Following this thread to help gain some motivation to sort out my hoard.

No advice on how to approach it all one thing you could do is decide to donate a lot of the stuff.

Body stuff and toiletries are really needed by homeless charities, women’s refuges, food banks etc, for instance.

If you have an issue with “binning” things then give yourself the option to do some good with the excess stuff.

I’m not suggesting donating everything as it can be hard to find homes for it all especially at the moment as charity shops not open.

But maybe the toiletries, home stuff, personal care items etc

CBT and a life coach worked for me. But I am still a work in progress and last year slipped back into food hoarding.

One of the things I realised is that it has to get sorted and then be removed immediately.

It is painful and causes anxiety to get rid of stuff but the pain is necessary and you have to push through it like in childbirth.

The Konmari method/book helped me get started.

Lent started on the 17th.
I have a notice board. One carrier bag of stuff goes every day.

I watch hoarding shows on TV to help me keep on track.

The good news is it gets easier. The more stuff you remove. the more you see you are okay without it. And the more you question your buying.

Chose one of the spare rooms. Get big bin bags for charity (you can use the charity bins as the shops are closed). Once the stuff is in the bag it has to go in the boot of the car and not be touched (if this is too hard get your partner to drive it away ASAP). The timetable depends on how much you time and help you have but for example: every day for ten days a minimum of ten things get given away. Tick them off on a list. Some things are easier to get rid of, start with them. Keep going until you’ve done everything in the room. Then do the room again, looking at the things you kept the last time. Repeat.

The fewer things you have, the more you use them. (That is true for sentimental objects too).

You can do it. Keep it simple.

You are being very hard on yourself OP! Hoarding is a real issue with deep reasons behind it - no one wants to be like this. It’s great you are tackling it.

I think getting everything into storage and working through it a box at a time is a great idea. You will feel so much lighter. If you can afford it, I would personally go for commercial storage rather than your mums, the cost will be a reason to get on with it, and it will be less emotional.

It’s always good to have a partner to help you clear so you could your mum or your partner to help you on alternate sessions?

Lots of people waste money on lots of stuff, so try and lay the guilt aside. Lots of charities eg beauty banks, would be delighted to hand your stuff, so when you take it out to storage, try and put it in sections so you are working with similar stuff. It’s great to donate but your main goal is to get rid of it, so start throwing rather than donating if it’s slowing you down.

Most important by far - as other PP have said, invest in a course of therapy to try and get to the bottom of it. Now we are all zooming try and find someone with experience of hoarders and overspenders rather than a generalist. It’s a specific problem and you want someone who knows about it. Do consultation sessions with 3 people so you get someone right for you.

They will also help you build strategies to avoid it building up again. One in one out is a good idea, and there are lots of strategies for dealing with your emotions that don’t involve spending.

Chuck the Marie Kondo in the bin, she is not aimed at hoarders.

Good luck! You are making great progress.

You're certainly not a skanky person! I do share the concerns of some of the other posters though that just putting the stuff in your mums might not get you very far after the first few weeks, particularly if as you say your family have hoarder tendencies too. I think you might really benefit from a friend or professional declutterer to come with you. Also agree with the multi pronged approach of declutter & therapy & future planning to ensure you don't do the same thing again.

If any of the food is still edible, could you donate it to a local foodbank? Or work out how much it all cost you if it's out of date and donate that amount instead (if you can afford to of course). Not as a shame tactic but perhaps acknowledging how many people are struggling to feed themselves and their children might work as a bit of a reset button and stop you from buying so much extra in the future?

Can you give away the good stuff? e.g. skincare and excess kitchenware to a women's aid charity. Nice candles to a friend/cookbooks to a colleague/crafts to someone with kids that need entertaining in lockdown. Perhaps sell some on ebay and if someone buys one thing chuck in a second for free? You might find the 'glow' of doing something nice helps you want to go through and sort more stuff.

I used to watch a lot of programs about hoarding, and one thing that every person focused on had in common was a traumatic loss in their past - not necessarily the loss of a person (although often, ranging from loss of a parent to loss of a child), but also less obvious losses such as the loss of their sense of security when, e.g. their house had to be sold suddenly and unexpectedly, or they were sent away to school, or they were abused, or they had to cope with a family members' mental health problems.

In all these cases, the hoarding was not about the objects themselves, it was about the sense of control and security that they brought to the people hoarding them.

Those who came from chaotic houses never wanted to be short of food or clothes again, and so overstocked even when things went out of date, often by years or decades. Those who had lost a loved one tried to fill that aching gap by constantly purchasing things, which of course didn't work, so they had to purchase the next thing and the next. Those who were hurt by the people who should have cared for them surrounded themselves with a physical barrier to stop others getting close and to try to replace that feeling of security and love.

In all cases (and I know this is television, not real life, so assume massive editing) those who were willing to engage with therapy and work on the initial loss found the hoarding urge decreased as they did so. It's not about the things, it's about the cause.

I haven't read the thread. Storage unit could work and if I were your DP I would want to try that as I like to be in a tidy environment. We've had garages, which thanks to my DP have been full of stuff from previous house moves or things in the loft...and you eventually realise that if you haven't opened this box for so long that actually you don't need the contents.
'Out of sight out of mind' will work so long as you don't refill with new stuff.

You're keeping stuff because it still has a use to it. But if you're not using it, have you considered that the unselfish thing to do would be to release it so that someone else can use it?

No charity shops at the moment but try the "freestuff" pages on facebook.

First - you are NOT worthless!!

I am in no way talking from expertise here, just my personal take on it as someone who has a tendency to hoard stuff - does this ring true for you: you deal with feeling unsettled and insecure (your childhood sounds quite unsettled) by weighting yourself in place with stuff. The stuff becomes not just physical stuff, but a security blanket, which is why when you get rid of one lot, you get more. So the thing to do(easier said than done!) is deal with the insecurity at the same time as dealing with the stuff. Therapy, GP, etc.

Also, it sounds like your parents didn't exactly model good minimalism skills to you, so of course you find it hard to bin stuff - you were never taught how!

In terms of dealing with the physical stuff, I find it easier to get rid of things if I know they are going somewhere useful. So if you have a load of paper, put it to be recycled or in the compost if you have a garden. See if there are charity shops that will take the good stuff that is not broken/out of date/used. If you have a tendency to anthropomorphise stuff, think of it as letting the things go to a new home. If they are broken, well maybe they would like the rest that being thrown away gives them (A1 expert anthopomorphiser here!).

In parallel with that, organization is your friend - boxes, labels, etc, Make sure that what you want to keep is neatly packed and labelled so that you can actually get it when you want it, and it takes up less space. And yeah - boxes for "oh crap I can't face this now!" are useful in the short term. I would avoid a storage container - it just spreads the problem. Also, don't go mad and try to spend hours tidying at a time - you need to be fresh to do this. 5 mins at a time - sort one little heap, and get at least one thing either properly filed or out the door. Keep at it - little bit by little bit.

Hugs and solidarity!

Thank you so much for all of the replies. I have attempted in fits and starts to implement things such as no spends, one in one out, working in one room at a time but I've never progressed far which is why I feel I need a different approach and to throw my all at this.

I have anxiety and have had CBT in the past. I touched a bit on decluttering and having to buy multiple of things rather than just one item like a bit of an addiction. We didn't really explore it further as we were working on my obsession with list making and some organisational OCD rituals as he called it. I never really said I was a hoarder or went into the extremity of it, to be honest I don't think the extent of it hit me in the face until today.

I'm currently seeing a private therapist through BUPA, and have reached my spending limit so have to take a short break with my CBT until it rolls into the next claiming year in April. I'll make sure to pick this topic up with him when I get another appointment. Yes I do have trauma in my past.. lots of things I guess, absent father, mother moved abroad influenced by a bad boyfriend when I was 16 and I lived in my nans loft for a few years. She was the worst hoarder so I think I was exposed to it there the most. There is some childhood sexual abuse in there too from another family member but I wouldn't have thought that was linked. Maybe it all is, I'm not sure.

The strange thing is I love the minimalist look, I love scandi style design, I have home magazine subscriptions and have great plans about how I want the house to be. I've made small moves to this but mostly in the rooms without excess shit. This is a huge stumbling block for me to have the home I really want, and I'm hoping if I temporarily offload it to my mums, reset the spaces and start to see the house how I want it, I'll be inspired to be more ruthless with everything and never return to having two rooms that are a struggle to navigate inside.

Will definitely check out those resources and the YouTube videos. My boyfriend said that this is the perfect time to knuckle down and tackle things, and then I'll have achieved great things when we move out of lockdown. I think he's right and if there's a time to really address this then it's now where I have no plans or social engagements to take up my extra time.

You can also try not buying any more until you've used what you have. No more food except for fresh stuff - use up the store cupboard. If a food emergency lasts more than 3 weeks, food will be the least of your problems, so that's the max you need to keep. Do the same for bath stuff, skin care stuff etc.

Are you autistic? Just wondered about the enthusiasm for buying things for particular activities, which sounded like they could be special interests. And also the anxiety. And potentially difficulty organising things (poor executive functioning skills).

It's good that you have become more self-aware, and have a plan to work on it, but a couple of cautions:

a) Make sure your mum's house doesn't just become an overflow and then you start filling up your bedrooms again as well - this is often the case with hoarders tending to fill the space they have available, so more space, whether that's a storage unit or your mum's house, doesn't always help.

b) Find out what the root cause of the issue is and address that, as otherwise it will all just happen again, even if you manage to give away the stuff this time.

@MereDintofPandiculation

You can also try not buying any more until you've used what you have. No more food except for fresh stuff - use up the store cupboard. If a food emergency lasts more than 3 weeks, food will be the least of your problems, so that's the max you need to keep. Do the same for bath stuff, skin care stuff etc.

I am doing my best with this at the moment - trying to use up the food (not if it's gone manky) in weekly meal plans and I have an app where I've made a sort of inventory of everything I have, so I can check before I buy what I have already. (OCD tendencies for sure.. but hoping it helps me not harms me here).

No I'm not autistic but I think there is a link to other mental health issues around anxiety and a organising type of OCD which probably fuels the hoarding.

Well done for facing up to this. I wonder if you have thought about therapy? As even if you manage to complete your plan the mindset will still be there and you will likely continue to hoard.

Also realistically if you do a box a week is 6-8 weeks really enough time? Good luck, though with whatever you do.

@timetosortmylifeout - apologies I see you are already in therapy!

I come from a family of hoarders.

I never learnt to organise and declutter.

The anxiety I have felt for most of my life has decreased dramatically since I have started dehoarding.

One of the things I needed to realise is that having so much is completely impractical if you can never use any of it because you can't find it when you need it.

A house can only be liveable with a certain amounts of possessions. There is no point storing things if they are never used. Let them go to someone who will make use of them.

A place for everything and everything in it's place - then you will know where to find it. Working out where things go is hard if you've never been organised. Start getting everything in the right room. Then get rid of anything not used recently. Push yourself to be ruthless. Keep reminding yourself of a vision of a tidy room and push yourself harder. Plan where things are going to belong.

Clean as you go - clear up all the mess you make every time and everytime do that little bit extra. Everyday do one sorting/decluttering/discarding task. Mark it off on a rewards chart. Take weekly before and after shots.

I can empathise with you.

I would suggest renting a storage unit or if you have outside space, then you could order a shipping container. They come in all different sizes and you don't need planning permission for them as they are moveable. Keeping the stuff at your mother's may turn out to be stressful.

I would invest in some sturdy stacking plastic boxes with folding lids and if you are able to put like items together in them, then that is good, but otherwise just chuck everything in so that the house is tidy.

Then when you sort, try and do like items at a time otherwise it gets too muddly. So for instance, decide on sorting books, and then when they are done move on to another category.

You need to decide what to do with the items you have. Why not have on a side hustle and sell your unwanted items on eBay? You don't have to sell items individually, you can bundle items together. Search for "bundle" or "job lot". It is amazing what sells! Anything that isn't saleable on-line could be boxed up for a car boot, charity shop or put on Freecycle. Don't be persuaded just to chuck things out. Someone will always make use of unwanted items.

Then at home, make certain you have enough storage for all the things you love and want to keep; pretty boxes and cupboard space. Make a room for your hobbies. If you don't have a room of your own, think about getting a garden cabin that you can make your own.

Also, having too much stuff is relative. If you live in a 22 bedroom mansion, it might appear you have very little stuff. If you live in a 2 bedroom flat, you might well be overwhelmed with stuff!

@timetosortmylifeout
I am the same....but with rocking horses.
A relative has needed to stay, but wooden horses have taken up the
spare rooms.

It's crazy.

I don't ''Need'' them...but if I find a new one that I haven't got the likes of...I'll squeeze it in.
It Is an addiction.

The thought of selling any is ''eek!''

Books are another thing. And pics.

I know I have some similar tendencies. For me it's important to set aside decluttering time, my decluttering time is now combined with general house work ie:if I clean a bathroom I also declutter as I go along. I set a timer and make myself do it with a bin for general rubbish, a clothes bank bag and a charity bag.I had 3 large rooms which were almost impossible to get into but now only one needs completed. Decorating the rooms as I sorted them has worked well for me.

@timetosortmylifeout
I wonder if early loss triggers 'Hoarding'?

The fear of ''Not having enough?''

And the dopamine rush of buying?

It is often the hunting down that is so thrilling, searching for that elusive item to complete a 'Collection'...but once you have it...It's on to the next thing.

Charity shops being closed is a pain...I have bags of books to go to a charity shop, and clothes, too.. but no charity shops are accepting things currently.

Maybe sell some of your unused craft stuff on ebay?

I've definitely got tendencies to hold on to things, and the pandemic has increased the anxiety.

I have this constant feeling of 'Well I can't throw/give away this (insert item) because I don't know when I can get another one etc...

I agree that you need to deal with the root cause, but try not to overwhelm yourself with the actual physical task.

What I have found has helped is setting myself limits, so using containers to actually contain the number of items. One box of makeup products, one small box of skincare products, one bathroom cabinet for all toiletries, one container for cleaning supplies. If it doesn't fit something has to go to make space.

I've recently had a few weeks off work and set myself a challenge to get rid of one carrier bag of stuff per day. Whether it was donated, sold or binned just one bag per day. 16 bags out in 16 days. It might not feel like a lot of you've really filled your space, but its manageable and not overwhelming and over a year, well 365 bags hopefully you'd feel the difference.

I'd really recommend therapy. If you won't help ASAP go private if you can afford it. Just make sure the therapist is registered with the HCPC x

I agree with PPs that the more you get rid of, the easier it becomes to get rid of more.

My house is still a work in progress, as I have had 2 large influxes of things to sort after losing both parents in recent years, and young DCs mean a never ending stream of next stage/size items coming into the house on top of my own previously acquired clutter. Just keeping on top of the new stuff is a big job, let alone tackling the historic boxes! Things that have helped me:

• Prioritising keeping the rooms we spend the most amount of time in as clear as possible (bedrooms and living room). This has meant our spare room and loft are groaning, but at least we have some nice spaces to escape to.

• Clearing in passes, meaning going through stuff once and getting rid of everything I'm comfortable to let go of but keeping the yes and maybe items. I then revisit that area/box etc a month or so later and go through it again. By that point, my subconscious has been in action and I feel ready to let more go. The 'maybes' usually become 'to go', and some of the keepers will become maybes. It can take several passes, but doesn't ever feel brutal as I feel emotionally ready to let go IYKWIM? My fear, particularly around my parents' things, is that I will later regret clearing something irreplaceable.

• Once items are to go, I make a quick decision if they are worth selling. It really isn't worth the time or mental work to sell items that will only bring in a couple of quid when there is so much to get rid of. If you have lots of similar small items, you could consider selling as a bundle. I prioritise selling bulky items (these are worth a lot in terms of space reclaimed) or things that are worth £££ first. If not worth selling, list for free, or better still upload a group picture of all the things you are getting rid of to your local Facebook page with your address and leave them at the end of your drive as first come/first served. This has worked really well in my area during lockdowns as people will make a detour during their daily walk. Few charities round my way are taking donations at the moment, but our local household recycling centre has a reclaim shop and take just about everything except clothes - do you have anything like this? I used to try and sell on everything, but I've (finally!) realised the mental wellbeing of less clutter and no hassle of haggling/trying to arrange collections is worth far more to me than the £1/2/3.

• I have made photo books which are not only lovely in their own right, but also have meant I have been able to reduce the number of DCs special baby clothes I keep (I only have around half a dozen now), as the clothes are all there in the pictures. I also photographed a lot of their art work so I don't feel guilty about getting rid of that, and bought a scrap book for each child that I can stick the particularly special drawings into (the idea being the book will span their childhood).

It's really hard OP. Well done for starting the process, and hopefully as you get into the swing of it and feel the benefits, it will get easier.