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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Please say I'm not the minority here...

136 replies

Sunshine3013 · 20/02/2021 19:39

I love my children and I would class myself as a good mum. However I work from home as a professional writer, and along with running the house and tending to their needs... I just don't find the time to really sit down and play with them. They are twins so are constantly playing with eachother and attend school.. I do take them out to play and do fun things with them but at home I don't find myself sitting and doing crafts or baking cakes and doing lego for an hour. I make sure my kids don't want for anything and I do spend time with them in other ways... However I often feel inadequate when I read all these mum blogs and the women seem to be doing all these fabulous at home adventures with their kids.

Please say I am not the minority...

OP posts:
Notanotherhun · 20/02/2021 19:41

Christ no. You do you. I have a 2 year old and honestly think I'd die of boredom if I had to do crafts and baking all the day long!

00100001 · 20/02/2021 19:42

Time spent is time spent.

Whether it's sitting around chatting over dinner or all this #MakingMemories BS.

If you'd never seen these blogs, would feel like you were doing "enough"?

SarahAndQuack · 20/02/2021 19:43

No, of course you're not.

I think a lot of people who do things like blogging (or instagram, or whatever) are using it to celebrate good moments, rather than as a reflection of reality. Or they're influencers/fantasists, whom you can discount!

Certainly, I know if you looked at my instagram (which you wouldn't, cos my mum is the only one who does), you'd see a parade of pictures of baking and picking flowers and country walks and delightful educational activities. That's because that 10 minute period each week is when I take my camera out. The rest, when my child is glued to her tablet/ scarfing down twinkies/ having a tantrum, are the norm.

KylieKangaroo · 20/02/2021 19:43

You are lucky they have each other! I have to play with my only child constantly at the moment. Don't feel bad it's great they have each other!

Brogues · 20/02/2021 19:43

Nope, not alone.

Nohomemadecandles · 20/02/2021 19:45

I wouldn't use blogs or Instagram as a benchmark! You get extremes both ways.

QueenOfLabradors · 20/02/2021 19:45

Step away from all the social media stuff. Instamums and similar are the worst thing to happen to women's mental health this century.

Original poster
Sunshine3013 · 20/02/2021 19:47

Thanks ladies.

I guess I'm just not that kind of mum in a way.. I'm not one of those mums who can sit for hours on ends with their kids playing dolls and house etc... I don't have the patience for one and secondly they have eachother to play with.. So i guess I don't see the need.. But then I think that's also a blessing of having twins as if i had just one I know regardless of wanting to or not.. I wouldn't have a choice but to sit and play...

Don't get me wrong, I love to do sports with them and many other things.. But that play stuff just isn't for me.. Hmm

OP posts:
willowsandroses · 20/02/2021 19:47

Nit alone, but there can be a bit of reverse snobbery on this topic.

Baking with or playing with a child doesn’t demean you as a person.

Cleverpolly3 · 20/02/2021 19:47

@QueenOfLabradors

Step away from all the social media stuff. Instamums and similar are the worst thing to happen to women's mental health this century.
Totally agree

Fed and not dead is pretty good right now

They are projecting and often for a reason that is nothing to do with making memories

Cleverpolly3 · 20/02/2021 19:48

@willowsandroses

Nit alone, but there can be a bit of reverse snobbery on this topic.

Baking with or playing with a child doesn’t demean you as a person.

No it doesn’t demean you but neither does it elevate you
LagneyandCasey · 20/02/2021 19:49

That's got to be the upside to having twins surely?! They play with each other so you don't have to. Honestly, I barely remember my parents ever 'playing' with me. I made my own fun and I'm a well rounded person. I wasn't that into playing with my own dc either and they are doing fine. I'd hook them up with a den or set up some paint or paydoh, hang around to get them started then go off and do something less boring instead. I'm glad my dc aren't little in the days of social media, It's like a competitive sport!

SarahAndQuack · 20/02/2021 19:51

@QueenOfLabradors

Step away from all the social media stuff. Instamums and similar are the worst thing to happen to women's mental health this century.
I really disagree with this.

I was at home with my DD from when she was 1 to when she was two and a half, and I was trying to work and get a job at the same time, and my partner was often away; I'd moved to a place where I didn't know anyone and had no transport out of a tiny village, and it was incredibly isolating and pretty hard work.

I found it really helpful that I could take a picture of the one moment when she looked happy and cheerful, and I could look at those when I felt awful about how things were going. It helped me keep in touch with my own mum who was a long way away and couldn't always visit. And I'd moved away from friends I'd made in the baby stage, but could keep in touch with them and see their children growing up.

Instagram is great because you don't have to talk. If you're feeling to rushed or rubbish, you can just post a quick photo with no captions or hashtags. I've also discovered communities of women doing really difficult things like TTC after loss, or fertility treatment. I think there's something really valuable in the simplicity of it.

ChristOnAPeloton · 20/02/2021 19:52

Nope, not alone.

I’m quite happy to sit next to my youngest and chat with her, or answer questions. She gets plenty of company.

But I won’t play with her toys for her. I am not 6. I do not want to play with LOL dolls.

Five67Eight · 20/02/2021 19:53

I don’t do crafty stuff (other than baking) with mine, but we do get out and about as a family and spend time together doing things at the weekend (not in lockdown), and we always eat dinner together. And we talk a lot (I have tweens, so recognise this may change, though I hope not too much!).

There is no one right way to do things, and comparing yourself to others, instead of feeling good about what you do do / can manage, will inevitably make you feel inadequate.

It sounds like you’re doing great, especially as you’re in lockdown. Flowers

Bainne · 20/02/2021 19:54

I have one child. I’m also a writer. I certainly don’t play with him for hours, and when I have a deadline, I’m barely psychologically present, and completely unapologetic about it. I’m providing for him by doing a meaningful job, and it’s rare to the point of impossibility to do that while being available during the working day for extended play.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 20/02/2021 19:55

Have you ever baked cakes with them?
I find it hard to believe you’ve never sat and done crafts or played a game with them....maybe a twin thing ?!

FalconQueen · 20/02/2021 19:59

I don’t play with my children much. I often say that’s it’s the reason I had 3 so that they have each other to play with.
We do play board games as a family sometimes and I will sometimes do Lego to play on the switch with them as they are things I enjoy.
I am no good at imaginative play or craft activities and baking turns in to 20 minutes of pushing each other off chairs and arguments about who has done the most mixing so I avoid it.
I view my role as mummy to be more about love, cuddles, reading than being a playmate. I can’t remember my mum playing with me at all.

Lweji · 20/02/2021 19:59

Me too. I was happier taking DS to the park than baking a cake with him. And he was too. He always ended up covering his paintings in red paint, so that wasn't very rewarding either. We may have done a couple of legos.

suspiria777 · 20/02/2021 19:59

letting the twins totally entertain themselves is a recipe for creepy/clingy/maladaptively close twins later on.

AbstractHeart · 20/02/2021 20:00

I think it depends on their age. Kids don't actually play together until they're 3 so they really need your input before then. Plus obviously it's important to spend as much meaningful time with them before they're 2 to strengthen your attachment. But if they're older than toddlerhood then yeah I'd just let them get on with it - it's one of the reasons I wanted a small age gap between my two!

chillidoritto · 20/02/2021 20:01

I never play with my kids but I do take them on days out etc - more so before lockdown!

I can't think of anything more dull than having to play with a child and I think that kids being able to amuse themselves is a great skill to learn!

Original poster
Sunshine3013 · 20/02/2021 20:01

@OnlyFoolsnMothers yes I have coloured and done painting with them but generally set them up with it and let them get on with it while I see to other things... Baking has been done too, but when I'm baking a cake for the family due to a special occasion etc.. What I was getting at is, generally I don't sit and play with them much at home... I tend to their needs and make sure they are happy but don't sit and play with them and their toys with them.

Thanks for all the responses.. They have made me feel better! Glad to see it's the norm!

OP posts:
Original poster
Sunshine3013 · 20/02/2021 20:03

Oh yes and they are 6 nearly 7. We live abroad so not in a lockdown and they have been in school as normal this year with no breaks (sorry I know in the UK this hasn't been the case)

OP posts:
Bumpsadaisie · 20/02/2021 20:03

I don't do much with mine. I read bedtime stories. We watch tv together in the evening. Occasionally we bake or do a board game. We go for walks. I taken them to the shops with me. But that's about it. I don't spend ages doing activities with them.

I used to worry about it but less so now. I am kind and cuddly to them though!