Page 5 | Please say I'm not the minority here...

HitchFlix · 21/02/2021 10:48

Children learn through play and they do better and learn more when there's no parent directing/dictating the activity. So you could say what you're doing - or not doing - is in their best interests

Don't be fooled by social media. My sister is forever doing organized activities with her DC, she is a great mum don't get me wrong and she adores her DC but a lot of it's for show as she's quite insecure about her parenting. She's also quite controlling by nature and pretty much takes over when her children are trying to do something so they get it "right" it's had an awful impact on her eldest. She's only five but it's affected her confidence and she waits for other children to do things first before she'll attempt it and gives up if things aren't "perfect" which drives my sister mad. I e gently told her to step back and she tries but it's like she can't help herself.

Sorry I've gone off on a tangent but basically YANBU. I'm in the same line of work as you and I need a lot of alone time to do my job and basically let my two get on with playing together with very little input from me too. They're not twins but close in age (3 and 4) I'll play board games and the odd game of hide and seek but very little else on the playing front besides being an enthusiastic audience member for the many "shows" they produce!

Bluenightowl · 21/02/2021 10:53

Surely part and parcel of being a parent is putting your children first

Every parent I know puts their child first. They organise activities, prioritise schools, cook dishes the children prefer, take them out and about, stay up all night when they aren’t well, go to restaurants the kids prefer, chat non stop, ensure they visit the dentist regularly .... the list is endless yet we are then criticised for not sitting on the floor with them too.
In sone European countries, children fit into their parent’s schedules. They eat late, go to bed later etc. We have gone too far the other extreme.

Lweji · 21/02/2021 10:54

Surely part and parcel of being a parent is putting your children first.

Not always, and not at your expense. This is a dangerous mind-set both for parents and children.

JamesMiddletonsMarshmallows · 21/02/2021 10:57

When you're a parent there are no words scarier than "Mummy will you play with me" 🤣

Surely part and parcel of being a parent is putting your children first.

Yea but the definition of "putting your children first" is not "give everything they what as soon as they want it"

HitchFlix · 21/02/2021 10:58

When you're a parent there are no words scarier than "Mummy will you play with me" 🤣

So true

Bumpsadaisie · 21/02/2021 11:03

I think it can be very damaging for children to have their mum scheduling every moment of their day and filling it with craft, planting seeds, mini-beast spotting, and all the rest of it.

There is nothing wrong with any of those activities if children express an interest but if it is all parent directed it must be a little like growing up with a teacher as your parent.

If one of my kids comes in and says they would like to plant out some seeds - then I will happily help them do that when I have the time.

But I don't wake up at the weekend and say "well children today is seed planting day so aprons on, gardening gloves on and lets head out!" .

The kids are alright. We need to leave 'em alone and manage our own mum guilt without intruding on their lives and forcing them to dance to our crazy guilt-induced tune.

RUOKHon · 21/02/2021 11:03

I also hate arts, crafts, baking and messy play and I avoid it whenever I can. They can do all that stuff at school.

I’ll happily sit down and read a dinosaur book with them, or google whether tigers are faster than lions. But I’m fucked if I’m sweeping up glitter and peeling glue off the table.

Bainne · 21/02/2021 11:03

[quote HereLiveIAmNotACat]@Bainne I said nothing about ‘doing it correctly’ clearly everyone parents differently and raises happy children regardless so there is no right or wrong.

It’s the attitude of ‘don’t like it, not doing it’ I find sad. Surely part and parcel of being a parent is putting your children first.

I do play as find it a great way of interacting with DD and encouraging imagination/learn through play. My mum played when I was little and it formed some of my favourite childhood memories.[/quote]
Not always. And I am the better parent for a healthy dose of prioritising my own preferences and necessities at times.

ApocalypseNowt · 21/02/2021 11:08

I think letting children get bored is actually good for their creativity. I often turn off any screens and tell my DC to go and amuse themselves. It nurtures their creativity and builds independence and self confidence. Children do not need constant stimulation and my grinning face looming over them at all times.

nokidshere · 21/02/2021 11:10

I have a friend who has a lovely 8yr old son, and they really are a nice family. Instagram & Snapchat are full of the lovely things that they do together with lots of #makingmemories.

But in reality everything they do is snapped into that small timeframe. I'm not saying that they don't do those things, they absolutely do, but everything is photographed and documented.

The mum misses the activity because she is setting up the shots, the child is constantly interrupted with instructions 'oh just do that again, hang on turn that way, no not like that like this'. It's relentless for everything they do and then the best shots are deemed good enough to post. And when they aren't doing lovely things to document he's on a screen constantly like lots of other children his age.

I'm quite amazed that people still measure themselves based on what other people do or document in their lives. Be confident that your children are happy and they don't need you to be constantly with them or facilitating what they are doing.

HereLiveIAmNotACat · 21/02/2021 11:12

@Bainne crikey able to call yourself ‘the better parent’ solely based of playing/not playing with your child...

Lweji · 21/02/2021 11:12

And what good does it do to children for us to fake enthusiasm for their activity? And they will know it's fake.

Better to share something we both genuinely enjoy and can have fun with it.
Those will be the good memories.

Inthevirtualwaitingroom · 21/02/2021 11:13

some people do some people dont.

Inthevirtualwaitingroom · 21/02/2021 11:15

we used to do baking, making biscuits, painting, but any sort of craft like knitting and sewing were completely beyond me, and dont mention following a lego instruction!

HereLiveIAmNotACat · 21/02/2021 11:18

People seem to think there’s two options- either play constantly or not play at all.

It’s about balance. My DD has plenty of time (especially in lockdown) to grow bored and find ways to entertain herself. We also have a dedicated time each day to play/interact together. It’s works for us 🤷🏼‍♀️

Redruby2020 · 21/02/2021 11:29

@Sunshine3013

I love my children and I would class myself as a good mum. However I work from home as a professional writer, and along with running the house and tending to their needs... I just don't find the time to really sit down and play with them. They are twins so are constantly playing with eachother and attend school.. I do take them out to play and do fun things with them but at home I don't find myself sitting and doing crafts or baking cakes and doing lego for an hour. I make sure my kids don't want for anything and I do spend time with them in other ways... However I often feel inadequate when I read all these mum blogs and the women seem to be doing all these fabulous at home adventures with their kids.

Please say I am not the minority...

You are definitely not the only one, I am on my own and have one DS, others wonder what I have to do that takes up so much time or keeps me busy, as their lives are so much harder and busier with 3/4 kids, that's their choice. I have just moved on my own and so doing everything has been somewhat tiring stressful and daunting to say the least, especially as now I have had to stop contact between my DS and his father, so the difference has been felt massively. My DS is not at nursery yet, so this is it 24 hours a day, I can assure you we don't sit and bake lol.

HitchFlix · 21/02/2021 11:36

I was an 80's child and I spent a lot of time being looked after by grandmother who would shoo us out the back so she could clean, when she had bleached the fuck out of everything we would sit and watch wrestling on a Saturday afternoon whilst she entertained us with her party trick of blowing smoke rings whilst chain smoking from her favourite chair in the corner.

Ahhhh the memories

LagneyandCasey · 21/02/2021 11:54

@HitchFlix

I was an 80's child and I spent a lot of time being looked after by grandmother who would shoo us out the back so she could clean, when she had bleached the fuck out of everything we would sit and watch wrestling on a Saturday afternoon whilst she entertained us with her party trick of blowing smoke rings whilst chain smoking from her favourite chair in the corner.

Ahhhh the memories

Brilliant

You weren't a proper 80's kid unless you viewed life through a haze of Benson & Hedges.

CornishPastyDownUnder · 21/02/2021 12:24

We spent years living and working/holidaying around the world before finally settling in Australia.My kids remember very little of their early years-honestly not much before8 yrs old..theyve probably done too much -so it does it matter?! I consider all the time i had with them the best part of it-plus they can always look back at pics of what we did😉Just do whatever works for you.

MyNameForToday1980 · 21/02/2021 12:28

Totally normal.

Mind you I could spend all day doing baking and crafts. No problem, right in my sweet spot. It's the infernal Pretend Play that I can't abide.

It's constant, from dawn 'til dusk, DD is inhabiting the form of a Paw Patrol main character, while she demands I play some lesser known character, or some other character from some other show, usually with no notice between theme swaps, show swaps, character swaps or plot changes.... It's dire.

Liskee · 21/02/2021 12:41

I dont remember my parents ever 'playing' with me. We did plenty of stuff as a family, and I had plenty of one on one time with both parents, but they never actively played with our toys with us and arts/crafts/baking wasn't really a thing in our house.

I have two DS, 18 months apart. I will happily sit with them and chat as they play, or I'll play board games or have them (age appropriately) help make the dinner or clean the bathroom, but I wouldn't really play with them. DH plays lego with them and we both read to them and answer a LOT of questions!

They have each other for playing I think, and I don't feel in the slightest bit guilty about that!

Oneweekleft · 21/02/2021 12:43

The point of these activities is to bond with your child. Its not because children cant play on their own or with each other. Of course they can- but any time you play with them you're increasing that bond between you and them . There's other things you can do to bond with them like reading to them or talking with them about their interests but playing with them does have alot of value. It says to them "you're important, ive got time for you, i enjoy your company". Your twins might appreciate some one to one time with you now and then. It doesnt need to be long. Even 20 mins playing a game each would be really valuable to them.

Lweji · 21/02/2021 12:53

The OP didn't say she doesn't spend time with the twins.

I do take them out to play and do fun things with them but at home I don't find myself sitting and doing crafts or baking cakes and doing lego for an hour. I make sure my kids don't want for anything and I do spend time with them in other ways...

Bluenightowl · 21/02/2021 13:37

I was thinking about this again.

IMy friend who spends an hour (every evening timetabled it into her schedule no less) has dependent, high maintenance children. She focuses entirely on them, controls and micro manages them. She plays the main part in their entire lives.

We met in a forest with our kids and she played with them the whole time despite there being four children who were more than happy to play together. Her involvement meant they stopped and looked for direction all the time.
It was stifling to watch. She doesn’t see this herself and would describe herself as ‘playing and bonding’ with them. It also meant the adults couldn’t chat to her as she was running off trying to find the kids all the time.

I think while it is important to enjoy spending time together and like each other. That can be any way that suits you. Nurturing independence is crucial.

Whenwillow · 21/02/2021 13:47

I would start them off and then slide out while they were occupied, and get on with doing what I was doing.
I prioritised listening to them whenever I could, because I didn't want them to stop talking to me in the teenage years. We're 'out the other side now' and I remain comfortably close with my adult, independent children. They are all real 'doers' too - artistic and creative.
I've just become a first time grandmother, and hope to be actively involved, but I still won't be doing imaginative play. Happy to sit and read, draw, colour etc all day long though!