Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should our children know everything about us? *[Content warning, concerns child abuse and rape]

80 replies

Todayistheday1902 · 19/02/2021 11:31

NC (some personal info in this post)
Hope this makes sense (apology, English isn't my first language).

I watched this programme on YouTube over the weekend and it has got me wondering.
In the program, 6 women (between 25 and 36) were confronting their mother for being an absentee mother because of drugs, alcohol & men.
It transpired that the mother had been through trauma at the age of 6 where she was molested then again raped at the age of 13 by a family friend. It obviously impacted her relationships and how she parented her children.
The host pushed the mother into opening up to her daughters so they could maybe understand (not justify) why she was such a bad parent, was not present, addicted to drugs, drunk and had unhealthy relationships with men.
She also stated that it was important for our children to know who we were as women before we became mothers.
I was molested at 7 and sexually abused by my uncle when I was a teen.
My dad was an alcoholic and physically abusive towards my mum and us kids.
As much as I have tried to have 'normal' relationships with men, I know this has massively affected me, especially when it came to sex.

My only DD is now 14 (I am a single mum), unwillingly, I am also sure my traumas have impacted the way I parented her. I did go through counselling but don't think it helped fixed me 100%.

My question is: Do you think, it is important for our children to know the good, bad and the ugly we went through before we were parents? to know what type of environment we grew up in? I think 14 is too young but shall I tell my DD one day?

OP posts:
reprehensibleme · 19/02/2021 11:33

Absolutely not.

SteveBrexit · 19/02/2021 11:34

Absolutely not.

but especially not when it would be a burden on the child!

SpamIAm · 19/02/2021 11:35

Sorry for what happened to you OP Thanks

I think it's a very personal decision. I don't think you have to tell your daughter anything, unless you feel that's the right thing for both of you. I guess in the program you watched it was a case of it had got to the point where there was no possible way of repairing that relationship without her talking about what had happened to her.

SpamIAm · 19/02/2021 11:35

Sorry for what happened to you OP Thanks

I think it's a very personal decision. I don't think you have to tell your daughter anything, unless you feel that's the right thing for both of you. I guess in the program you watched it was a case of it had got to the point where there was no possible way of repairing that relationship without her talking about what had happened to her.

Beseigedbykillersquirrels · 19/02/2021 11:36

It's up to each individual how much of themselves they want to share with others. I don't think it will improve your daughter's life to know of the horrific things that happened to you as a child. I'd see it as protecting her to be honest. I don't think a child needs to know about awful trauma their parents have been through, they have a lot of their own things they're trying to work out and process so I don't think it'd be particularly helpful for her to know these things.

MarmedukeDuke · 19/02/2021 11:38

No.

I had a strange childhood in some ways, and my DM was an "oversharer". Our boundaries as mother and child were strange. I've realised as an adult that I was put into a confident/therapist role as a child, and was essentially required to excuse a lot of things about our relationship due to her past. It led to me being an anxious adult that felt unsafe and unprotected.

I've picked a lot of this apart in counselling, but I was very affected by much of it in childhood. I don't blame my DM, she also had a troubled childhood, and didn't have a great "model" for parenting.

Mellonsprite · 19/02/2021 11:39

No, I think it would stress them. I’ve had a trauma which my kids will never know about from me.

MarmedukeDuke · 19/02/2021 11:41

@SteveBrexit

Absolutely not.

but especially not when it would be a burden on the child!

That's exactly how it felt to me as a child. A huge mental burden.
Mistlewoeandwhine · 19/02/2021 11:42

I had a very abusive upbringing. I have told my kids bits - like the fact that my dad threatened to shoot us all about once a month - because they were questioning why I am not in contact with my family. Why should I lie to cover up the evil that my parents did? Also I was scared that if I died, my parents would try to get custody of my children so I wanted them to know that these people are dangerous.

therocinante · 19/02/2021 11:50

I disagree with previous posters - while 14 isn't the right time for any of that information I learned similar things from my mum in conversation as a teen/adult and it's helped me understand her better, as well as given me some really valuable advice and insights into things in my own life.

For example, when I was in an abusive relationship as a late teen, my mum opened up to me about her own experiences in that regard and I felt less alone and judged, and it helped me see that when she was warning me about my boyfriend (in a way that I regarded as inappropriate and cruel at the time) that she was doing so with hindsight.

Basically, I don't think you should ever sit down and be like, "Here kid, have all my trauma, it excuses everything I've ever done!". But if it's relevant at the time I don't see the issue with telling her some of it.

Beseigedbykillersquirrels · 19/02/2021 11:50

@Mistlewoeandwhine

I had a very abusive upbringing. I have told my kids bits - like the fact that my dad threatened to shoot us all about once a month - because they were questioning why I am not in contact with my family. Why should I lie to cover up the evil that my parents did? Also I was scared that if I died, my parents would try to get custody of my children so I wanted them to know that these people are dangerous.
Why the need to be so graphic with your children? I would hate to put an image of us being shot into my children's heads as that is not something they should ever imagine on their own. You of course should let them know that your parents were awful but I think I'd pick and choose quite carefully the level of detail I went into in describing it to my children.
Original poster
Todayistheday1902 · 19/02/2021 11:53

SteveBrexit
Thanks! So true... I didn't think about the burden..

SpamIAm, you're right here. Also, all the daughters were adult so it would probably be different sharing it with a teen.

Beseigedbykillersquirrels Thank you! I now see that it makes no sense to share. I should think about protecting her.
You're right it won't improve her life at all.

I am so glad I posted this already. I am hearing different perspectives and it really helps
Thank you

OP posts:
EggBobbin · 19/02/2021 11:53

I’ve told my DC that I’m estranged from my father as he wasn’t a very nice daddy, not like their daddy. Similar to a pp I want them to be informed in case he ever attempts to contact them, and so they understand why they haven’t met him. I haven’t gone into details but once they’re older I suppose I would (violent alcoholic)

user141635812632 · 19/02/2021 11:55

No.

Mentioning that you had traumatic experiences and particular individuals deliberately harmed you could be appropriate, especially where you need to consider safeguarding and providing information that enables the child to effectively protect themselves from damaging people.

Disclosing details of trauma - nope. Aside from anything else that carries the risk of vicarious trauma for the child even if an adult. It is also poses a ride to the traumatised person of causing their trauma to become stuck.

You wouldn't even necessarily go into the full details with a trauma therapist.

What you watched sounds like toxic bullshit.

Original poster
Todayistheday1902 · 19/02/2021 11:59

therocinante didn't you feel your mum told you too much? were you able to handle it emotionally?
I have cut relationships with some of my family members because of the abuse and my DD doesn't know why. She never asks.
When she is an adult, if she wants to know I will tell her the reason.

OP posts:
DinoDisco · 19/02/2021 12:00

No and as someone whose own mother due to circumstances and events had to share a lot of what had happened to her in her past, while I understand why she did it and appreciate the honesty and support I could give her as an adult, I would not make the same choices. This is with the wonder of hindsight and experience- not judging my mothers choice as she was just muddling along.

There are ways of letting your children know if they ask or if it extremely relevant to them in a child friendly manner, or with an adult dc to share without loading or expecting excessive emotional support.

I am very close to my mother but do see her as more vulnerable and worry more. I feel a responsibility towards her and feel more worry about life generally- thinking that the unthinkable is close to home and a real possibility in life. I also think my mother has me to comfort and be close to in life which perhaps stops her reaching out to others.
There's the other side that it makes me less innocent, stronger and more switched on to the world - but given the choice I'd rather the security.

garlictwist · 19/02/2021 12:01

I suspect, though am not sure, that my mum had an affair with my dad when she was married to her first husband. I really want to find out more but realised that actually, it's not my business and that my parents have a right to privacy. So no, I don't think children need to know everything.

user1493413286 · 19/02/2021 12:01

I don’t think anyone should have to share personal things if they don’t want to and I’m not sure about sharing it with a child at a young age but I also think that it can help to understand your parents and forgive them their failures if you know about their own pasts but more so as an adult. I know practically nothing about my mum before she had me and my sister but I think if I understood what her childhood was like then I’d understand why she is the way she is and why our relationship is difficult at times.

Original poster
Todayistheday1902 · 19/02/2021 12:01

user141635812632
Sorry had to laugh about your 'toxic bullshit* comment. I do watch a lot of these programmes.. why? I don't know..

OP posts:
Sceptre86 · 19/02/2021 12:02

No. I was a fully fledged adult before I had kids, I may choose to share past boyfriend experiences, I may not. It doesn't impact my children I don't think.

Suzi888 · 19/02/2021 12:03

Yes of course, absolutely why would you not. Not at age 14 but yes when she is older.

If you aren’t going to, at least don’t lie about it.

Nothing worse or more damaging than family secrets.

ginghamtablecloths · 19/02/2021 12:04

Children certainly don't need to know everything but you may like to say to her that some of your past experiences of life have influenced your decisions. You don't have to go into further details.

gigity · 19/02/2021 12:04

I think 14 is too young but I think when they get older some information can perhaps put things into a different perspective.

I certainly changed my opinions in some ways after becoming a parent myself. You become far more conscious that your parents had a life, hopes & dreams before you existed.

Original poster
Todayistheday1902 · 19/02/2021 12:05

garlictwist now that you're an adult, wouldn't you want to put this to bed and know for sure?

OP posts:
stampsurprise · 19/02/2021 12:07

If there is some reason why my mother is the way she is I wish to God she’d tell me - it would really help me to understand.

As it is, I have just assumed that SOMETHING has made her the way she is. This means we can have a low-contact superficially cordial relationship.