Should our children know everything about us? *[Content warning, concerns child abuse and rape]

[Todayistheday1902]

NC (some personal info in this post)
Hope this makes sense (apology, English isn't my first language).

I watched this programme on YouTube over the weekend and it has got me wondering.
In the program, 6 women (between 25 and 36) were confronting their mother for being an absentee mother because of drugs, alcohol & men.
It transpired that the mother had been through trauma at the age of 6 where she was molested then again raped at the age of 13 by a family friend. It obviously impacted her relationships and how she parented her children.
The host pushed the mother into opening up to her daughters so they could maybe understand (not justify) why she was such a bad parent, was not present, addicted to drugs, drunk and had unhealthy relationships with men.
She also stated that it was important for our children to know who we were as women before we became mothers.
I was molested at 7 and sexually abused by my uncle when I was a teen.
My dad was an alcoholic and physically abusive towards my mum and us kids.
As much as I have tried to have 'normal' relationships with men, I know this has massively affected me, especially when it came to sex.

My only DD is now 14 (I am a single mum), unwillingly, I am also sure my traumas have impacted the way I parented her. I did go through counselling but don't think it helped fixed me 100%.

My question is: Do you think, it is important for our children to know the good, bad and the ugly we went through before we were parents? to know what type of environment we grew up in? I think 14 is too young but shall I tell my DD one day?

Talk to her when she’s an adult.

Yes of course, absolutely why would you not. Not at age 14 but yes when she is older

Because she might not want to. No reason she should.

If you aren’t going to, at least don’t lie about it

She can lie if she wants! We giev our children life, and we practically give them our lives from that point on. We do NOT owe them our lives before they were born, or any part of ourselves or our histories we don't want to share.

If you want to tell her, do. If you don't, don't. There is NO reason at all you must do either one, and don't listen to anyone who tells you otherwise!

It depends. Both on the child (age/maturity/sensitivity) and what you're comfortable with. My mum had an abusive upbringing. She shared tidbits along the way when I asked but kept the really bad stuff back until we were well into adulthood. Obviously I don't know if there's worse she kept to herself but it's quite possible. I was glad she was honest about it as it explained a lot of the awkward family dynamics that were confusing as a child.

I'm NC with my Dad, he was physically and emotionally abusive to us and our mum. My DC are only 3 and 4 but the four year old has started asking questions about him. I think when/if she starts really probing I'll be honest in an age appropriate way and eventually tell her more as she grows up and is better equipped for the information. Otherwise it will just be this weird secret and that makes the situation worse IMO.

I'm so sorry that happened to you OP

Both my parents had difficult teen years not necessarily abusive but one parent grew up in a very toxic environment and the other had a great home life until a parental death, abusive relationships at a young age that followed as their remaining parent couldn't cope. Being involved in low level antisocial crime and mental health difficulties. I found out about these areas after I turned 18, it explained alot about their parenting choices they went the other way and were very overprotective. And these thing have an intergenerational Knock on effect.

My grandmother died in her 90s and several things have come to light since, children given up for adoption, affairs and things that explained alot between the way that set of grandparents parented my parent and the toxic environment they grew up in.

14 is too young she is at a difficult age when teens tend to resent their parents no matter what leave it until she's an adult and/or asks.

Yes and no. Little bits and hints in an age appropriate way , then once they're much older and depending on their personality you can decide how much detail to go into.

It's a very fine line to keep tbh, and would probably be easier to admit your shortcomings and that some things are your fault(when you fuck up with your kid ,not the trauma) ,say sorry and try to be better.

I can see how some might find it therapeutic to find out why their parents were the way they were and that it had nothing to do with them and it wasn't their fault. However, I feel a lot more will be stuck in a limbo where they are still angry,hurt and traumatised but feel like they have to feel pity or sympathy for their abuser,plus the guilt associated with it. It's honestly a clusterfuck.

When she’s older and if you want to share things with her then yes. Now, no. At age 14 I would have hated to know my mum has been raped. I think that would’ve really messed me up.

But then I am of a similar mindset to @SheCannaeTakeNoMoreCapt - you are in no way obliged to divulge information about your life pre-children.

I also think it’s strange when parents take the approach of being open with their young teens about the fact they took drugs when they were younger, with the aim of ‘keeping lines of communication open’ and getting the kids to confide in them if they do take drugs. There is not a cat in hell’s chance that I would’ve told a 13 year old DD that I did drugs whilst at uni. That’s information about her mum that she just doesn’t need to know.

DH shared details of his upbringing when our DC were in their mid-20's. I think it was a good time to do so, as it explained some things that confused them.

It also took away the opportunity for them to learn when we are no longer around to support them. Other members of the family have chosen not to share, and are consequently living on tenterhooks that the 'secret' will be passed on to their partner/DC by others, at some point.

@ user141635812632 why on earth wouldn’t you go into full details with your therapist?
Mine knows every little thing that I was able to put into words. I wouldn’t have been able to climb out of that darkness if I hadn’t told someone.

I have had horrific trauma. My children are told things on an age appropriate level however I never intend to give them details unless they ask as adults and even then, I am entitled to privacy.
They know for example, that mummy doesn’t go to visit her home town because she didn’t feel safe there etc.
I won’t be telling them that I was lucky to escape with my life. Or that someone really bad could find and hurt me. Why would I?

It’s my job to protect them.
They know I have therapy. They know I struggle. They know things were hard in my upbringing. They don’t need to know details.

Not at all.

My children are still young but they don't know I was married before I met their dad. I think I will tell them one day but not about the reasons we split (abuse stuff).

Similarly I am NC with my parents. My oldest child kind of knows that I don't 'have a mummy and daddy' as such, but nothing more really. I will obviously discuss this with them when they are older but again, I will spare them the details because they don't need to know.

So I think it's good to be upfront and open about key things in your life but there is no benefit to them knowing the details. Maybe once they are adults or something, but prior to that I don't think it's the right thing to do.

Definitely not.
My teens know that my mum is very abusive (hence never having met her) but have no clue about details. I am fine about them knowing that she was abusive but will never go into details.

It's a personal decision, but personally I would be truthful if it were me, but when age appropriate.

Well, I think it depends.
I was always very open with my children, but in an age-appropriate way, so that they weren't burdened with knowledge they couldn't cope with at a young age.

However, I wasn't abused or raped when young and so it's too easy for me to say, I think when there are bigger things in your past it's your choice as to how much you reveal or not, whatever you feel comfortable with.

A pp said family secrets are bad & I do agree, often stuff does come out & the ramifications can be pretty devastating. I have Irish family with relatives who found out after a death for example that their sibling was not a sibling but their mother.

@garlictwist

I suspect, though am not sure, that my mum had an affair with my dad when she was married to her first husband. I really want to find out more but realised that actually, it's not my business and that my parents have a right to privacy. So no, I don't think children need to know everything.

I cheated on my first husband. I'm not proud of it obviously but it's in the past and has absolutely nothing to do with my children, or anyone else for that matter.

I think you're right, some things are none of our business.

My mum cheated on my dad and I found out from someone else. I wish I didn't know.

No my mother disclosed to me when I was 14 she’d been sexually abused whilst in a care home. I didn’t know what to do with that information. I dont know what possessed her to tell me and I think it was really selfish of her to off load on me at such a young age.

Also OP your parenting isn’t static and can move forward. I had dd1 at 16 and she spent a lot of time with my parents ( to the point my parents used to say dd was theirs and lots of talk that they raised her which wasn’t true) so I could go to college ect. It wasn’t untill I had dd2 years later with my dh that I realised my shortcomings, dd1 was a teenager then but I was absolutely able to change my parenting and our relationship by investing lots of time and love with her and we are very close now.

My mum cheated on my dad and I found out from someone else. I wish I didn't know.

That's the problem though, finding out from others.

@gigity

A pp said family secrets are bad & I do agree, often stuff does come out & the ramifications can be pretty devastating. I have Irish family with relatives who found out after a death for example that their sibling was not a sibling but their mother.

I have an Irish family too. I think Irish families come with lots of skeletons in closets!

God no. We chose to have children we need to raise themcorrectkyno excuses. I went through trauma as a teen I would never use that as an excuse for poor parenting. It's not my boys problem.

Them correctly no*

@MissMarpleDarling

God no. We chose to have children we need to raise themcorrectkyno excuses. I went through trauma as a teen I would never use that as an excuse for poor parenting. It's not my boys problem.

I don’t think it’s an ‘excuse’ as such. Trauma can switch off feelings like a light switch. Mine ‘switched’ back on at the birth of my dd2.

Not an excuse but an explanation - if one was asked for.

I dont think children should be told about disturbing things like their mum being raped as a child. But obviously it then impacted them and it would probably be good for them as adults, moving forward, to understand why their childhood was the way it was. So that they can get help and be less damaged than their mum was. Otherwise the cycle just continues: abused/neglected child, becomes damaged adult, becomes abusive/neglectful parent......

No, definitely not. I can't see what good it achieves

My ds is 12, he knows his maternal grandfather was not a kind man - mean with money, time etc because he asked. But that's all.

If he ever asks questions about family, I answer in an age appropriate way but do not go not details.

Yes I know I've lived it. I didn't think it was an excuse I could use.

This is an interesting conversation. I have lots of horrible things in my own past that my DC do not know about but I always assumed I would tell them at some point. Not necessarily by going into details but tell them the facts/basics. Oldest is teenage now but it hasn’t come up yet.

To those saying, definitely not, I wonder if it would change your mind if the horrible events/traumas involved were a part of a public record and known in your wider family/community? The events I am referencing involved court cases, newspaper reports (some national, headlines in local) prison sentences and wider, linked events. I wonder if the idea that they could easily come across this information themselves would change whether or not you’d tell your children?

@Shaiva yes pretty standard, so much shame that needed to be hidden! My cousin is doing a family tree & so many fascinating but odd things have come out. Plus you can't be sure