Should our children know everything about us? *[Content warning, concerns child abuse and rape]

[Todayistheday1902]

NC (some personal info in this post)
Hope this makes sense (apology, English isn't my first language).

I watched this programme on YouTube over the weekend and it has got me wondering.
In the program, 6 women (between 25 and 36) were confronting their mother for being an absentee mother because of drugs, alcohol & men.
It transpired that the mother had been through trauma at the age of 6 where she was molested then again raped at the age of 13 by a family friend. It obviously impacted her relationships and how she parented her children.
The host pushed the mother into opening up to her daughters so they could maybe understand (not justify) why she was such a bad parent, was not present, addicted to drugs, drunk and had unhealthy relationships with men.
She also stated that it was important for our children to know who we were as women before we became mothers.
I was molested at 7 and sexually abused by my uncle when I was a teen.
My dad was an alcoholic and physically abusive towards my mum and us kids.
As much as I have tried to have 'normal' relationships with men, I know this has massively affected me, especially when it came to sex.

My only DD is now 14 (I am a single mum), unwillingly, I am also sure my traumas have impacted the way I parented her. I did go through counselling but don't think it helped fixed me 100%.

My question is: Do you think, it is important for our children to know the good, bad and the ugly we went through before we were parents? to know what type of environment we grew up in? I think 14 is too young but shall I tell my DD one day?

@LouNatics
That was part of our thinking. We preferred our DC to know the truth from us at an appropriate time (mid 20's), rather than find out through whispers from others when we were old or dead. It hasn't been without it's complications from the wider family though.

@LouNatics

This is an interesting conversation. I have lots of horrible things in my own past that my DC do not know about but I always assumed I would tell them at some point. Not necessarily by going into details but tell them the facts/basics. Oldest is teenage now but it hasn’t come up yet.

To those saying, definitely not, I wonder if it would change your mind if the horrible events/traumas involved were a part of a public record and known in your wider family/community? The events I am referencing involved court cases, newspaper reports (some national, headlines in local) prison sentences and wider, linked events. I wonder if the idea that they could easily come across this information themselves would change whether or not you’d tell your children?

If it's likely to come up in a Google search then it's better coming from you than the Internet but it depends on the age of the child really. I don't think my kids have Googled my maiden name because if they had I think they'd have questions about what they found (not something bad, something they'd find funny)

Nothing would come up if they google my name, but I live less than ten mailers from where I grew up, and friends, aquaintances, the general public know about many of the events that happened in my childhood home, because they were published in the newspaper. Many will not remember of course, many will not care, but they still know about the things that happened back then. Anyone researching the family tree in the future will come across the same information, articles, court papers. There is also information which would spark curiosity on some public documents eg birth, death, marriage certificates.

I have friends who I knew back then who know, their parents also know, wider family on my side know. My DH knows but none of his family do and I’d like to keep it that way.

It’s very complicated to know what is right.

Both my parents did have traumatic upbringings, and then as adults they were alcoholics and my childhood was full of abuse - abuse of me, abuse from my dad to my mum, and abuse in both their childhoods that they chose to tell me about. I was told so many things I should not have been told from a very young age. They brought their own issues into their parenting in a very negative and destructive way. I am trying to do the opposite with my DD.

Perhaps there are some things I may share with her when she's older, if the timing is right and it seems appropriate, but there are a lot of things I don't plan to tell her because I don't want her to go through anything like what I want through. I was way too old for my years and knew a lot of things a child should not know and it was wrong. Knowing what I know about my parents own pasts I suppose has helped me to understand in some ways why they are how they are, but to me it's no excuse. I don't understand why they didn't feel the way I feel and want to shelter their DC from it all. They chose to continue the abuse when they should have been protecting us.

I don't know what age to tell her, but I feel it will be helpful for her to know when she an adult at least. I have a difficult relationship with my mum, and I value the scraps of context about why she behaved as she did.

I was sexually abused as a child. My mother was a pretty shitty parents at times and it ask definitely affected my life and my siblings. I told her about the raises as a 16 year old and she blanked it and carried on being friends with him. I found the courage to go to the police at 30 and consequently had a as break down but she was forced to make a statement to the police saying that I had told her and she did nothing. It turned out that's she had been sexually abused by an uncle as a small girl and when I told her she claims she shut down as it brought back the trauma .

My children know that I was sexually abused. I have been in and out of therapy, diagnosed bipolar, struggled with drunk and drugs etc. They deserve to know what has impacted me so badly and hindered me as a parent. They are victims of my abuse too as I'm still dealing with it. By being honest with them I've helped them to put strong boundaries in place and I'm very proud of them. I'm also not ashamed about my abuse and will discuss it openly with anybody should it be appropriate.

Apology if this is triggering for some of you. Sad there are so many stories like mine out there
I do need to tread lightly with this. 14 is certainly not the time.
Thanks all. xx

I operate on need to know basis
Not just with my children but re everything.

Does this person need to have this information? Why does this person need to have this information? What would happen if they didn't get this information? What would they do with this information.

My mum told me a lot of things I never should have known, far too young. Filled me with anxiety and had a severe impact on my relationship with my dad (a lot of the things had to do with their abusive marriage which ended when I was 3). But she also told me about physical and sexual abuse she had suffered through her life, rapes and suicide attempts. This is when I was young, between the ages of about 8 and 14. She was a very very damaged woman, and did eventually kill herself two and a half years ago at only 60.

Our relationship was utterly warped by all the things I knew about her. I felt from a small child that she could kill herself at any time. I felt like I had to protect her from any upset, that I was responsible for her. I still feel responsible. I am continually anxious about everyone in my life: are they happy? Is there something wrong? What do I have to do to make everything alright for everyone? It has an impact on every relationship I have.

Trust me. Kids do not need to know everything. And if they do, it can wait until they have established themselves as adults, with their own lives and priorities. If as adults they need context for their childhood/parenting, then you can give them the bare bones. But honestly I believe children need to feel safe. They need to feel like the adults around them are safe, strong, to be relied upon. They need that feeling far more than they need the unvarnished truth that very few of us arrive into adulthood in that condition.

I think it can be helpful as an adult to learn things about your parents. Both my parents shared some of their experiences with me when I was struggling with similar - marriage problems, depression, bullying at work, rape - and it brought us closer.

One of my dps is struggling with accepting help and care staff now and I would be much more impatient about it if I didn’t understand the trauma suffered as a child.

But I don’t think these are things to share with children or teens.

It's appropriate to tell your children that your parents weren't able to protect you from dangerous situations, and that you make it your first priority that you protect them better. That you will always listen, and take what they say seriously.

It's appropriate to say sometimes grown ups hurt children, and it's not ok, and it hurts for a long time and can make thing difficult even when you are grown up.

It's appropriate to say you were hurt when you were young, perhaps the same age as your D.C., and that's why you are so determined to help them stay safe.

It's not appropriate to detail what happened, unless they ask you when they are adults and you want to answer.

My mum told me a lot about rape, sexual abuse and domestic violence .

Down to very, very graphic details . From about age 9 but increasingly the older I’ve gotten (I’m now 30) .

I have struggled enormously to cope and cry a lot over it, have nightmares . I’ve never felt comfortable talking to anyone else about it and don’t know where to put it, I worry endlessly about Mum and that she’s not happy and that’s somehow all my fault . Because I should have fixed it somehow and I’ve failed her .

My dad did it too - told me about his sex life - I desperately wish he wouldn’t . He wasn’t abused, he just wanted to tell me he wasn’t getting enough .

I think there's a line to be found between informing them of things so they hear them accurately from you, rather than through chinese whisers and protecting them from needing to know.

My parents were neglectful and abusive drug-addicts. My father in particular was a nasty piece of work and my siblings and I were taken by my grandparents when I was 7.

Over the years it came up with the children as when they asked about my childhood they knew that living with GP's isnt' "the norm". I explained it in an age appropriate way so it started from them not being a nice Mummy and Daddy up to the children knowing they had drug and alcohol problems and were nasty people.

My elder 3 (21, 19 and 19) know a bit more than I ever intended because it came up in conversation after my brother turned violent on his wife and children and my DN came to live with us for a while. Also one of my DD's had a boyfriend who was ringing all sorts of alarm bells for me with a quick temper and controlling tendancies so there were a lot of conversations after he was dumped about how abusers don't start by breaking bones and being horrific, little things build up to it.

My Grandparents didn't talk about my parents behaviour/situation at all and that made life very difficult for me as you can't process things completely on your own, plus if you know a little bit then as a child/teen I found I was making my own ending and I never wanted my kids to do that.

It's a fine line though between equipping and informing them whilst not over-burdening them.

I’ve struggled with this myself. I grew up in an abusive home. I haven’t told Dd because her grandfather has since gotten help for his mental health condition and he isn’t the same man he was then. I will never trust him with her, but they have a good supervised relationship. At this point even I have a good relationship with him. Knowing DD’s personality and how she feels about alcohol and behavior, she would never be able to look at her grandfather the same way again if I gave her a glimpse of the man he used to be. As she gets older it’s feeling more and more like I am lying to her by not telling her, so I just don’t know what to do.

I think if you do tell it should be because you think your child will benefit from knowing. It should not be because you want them to know how much you have suffered or overcome or to make excuses for bad parenting (not suggesting you would do this OP but certainly sounds like previous posters have experienced this).
Sometimes children may need to know certain things at an age appropriate level of detail, either to keep them safe or to help them understand why things are a certain way.
Once they are grown up (mid 20s or older) I think it's sometimes helpful to know a little of your parents' previous lives. But 14 seems too young, unless the issues are affecting her at the moment.

@anonymousdaughter

Huge hugs. Could have written what you wrote. If you don't have kids yet, be prepared for a massive wobble psychologically when you do. You hold that little life in your hands and just cannot fathom how a parent could use their child as a crutch like that.

No, I've suffered rape and abuse and don't plan to tell my daughter the details. I think when she's a teenager we'll probably talk about some very broad strokes re: mental health, protecting yourself from people who would take advantage, but I don't want her to know the specifics of any of it. It's not her weight to carry.

My mum shared a lot with me and I wish that she hadn't. She always came across as very fragile and centred things on her and her feelings, so I never really had space to tell her about anything that happened to me.

No. I was told things that I really did NOT need to know.

I think no one needs or deserves to be told this stuff whilst they are a teenager. I was told a load of stuff i didn’t want to know when i was about 18 by my DM about her relationship with my DF, even though she is usually a very good mother, and it really weighed me down.

However...where i differ from many of the above posters is in believing that this isn’t necessarily true once your dd is an adult. There is a massive difference between a 15 year old, and the 35 year old in your programme. If an adult child wanted to know why you are like you are, the door should be left open for them to ask and you to answer honestly if you feel you can. Better to know the truth and understand as an adult, than never understand and live with the barriers that have built up. How many people have you seen posting on MN with variations on “My DM is so strange about xx, i just wish i understood why.”

Absolutely not. That is very unfair, to pass your emotional burden to them.

I went through great trauma as a child. I am sure in some ways it affects my parenting, but I made damn sure I didn't have children until I was stable and knew I could give them the opposite childhood to mine.

Yes I make mistakes and have vulnerabilities, as do all parents, but I am an adult and my childhood is not an excuse to mistreat my children or be a rubbish parent to them. Unless I knew I could manage ok with the emotional aspects of that, along with my past, I should not have had them.

It is not their issue and not fair to burden them with that. They'll never know. Why would you want them to have to live with something so upsetting? Surely our job is to protect them and to learn from the mistakes our parents made and do it differently.

I expect when older they'll ask why they've never met certain members of my family but the most I'll say about it is that they were not nice people. Perhaps when fully grown adults if they ask for more details I'll say my childhood was bad etc but never the details of abuse. Why would you want to pass on that pain?

@picklemewalnuts

It's appropriate to tell your children that your parents weren't able to protect you from dangerous situations, and that you make it your first priority that you protect them better. That you will always listen, and take what they say seriously.

It's appropriate to say sometimes grown ups hurt children, and it's not ok, and it hurts for a long time and can make thing difficult even when you are grown up.

It's appropriate to say you were hurt when you were young, perhaps the same age as your D.C., and that's why you are so determined to help them stay safe.

It's not appropriate to detail what happened, unless they ask you when they are adults and you want to answer.

I agree with this completely.

No. My children are young adults and there are some things I will never tell them. My own mother told me far too much, and from my own personal viewpoint it's been very damaging.

@Todayistheday1902 so sorry, I’ve only skimmed the thread. My mum was horrifically emotionally and physically abused as a child. She only ever told me in my early twenties because a. my grandmother was dead and b. We have a good relationship where we talk about everything now I’m an adult. Speaking to her about it had explained a lot about our relationship, which was very difficult when I was a teen, but all of this is because that this is the sort of relationship we have now. I don’t think there’s any reason to keep it from DD when she’s older. But it also hugely depends how the two of you work at that point.

I have never told anyone or put out anywhere apart from here at this moment in time that I was sexually abused by an uncle at the age of 9.
While it has affected me in many ways, I’ve kept this very dark secret to myself.
I have thought many times of blurting it out but I would never to my child because it wouldn’t help them to understand me in any way it would only devastate them so it will stay buried deep for the fear of damage.
I feel I would be cruel to tell my child what I went through and still live with or this day I wouldn’t wish my thoughts and feelings on anyone else never mind my child.
If anything it’s made me stronger and I strive everyday to make sure my child is the shielded and a different excuse is made for avoidance if my parents ever found out it would have shattered their hearts.