Should our children know everything about us? *[Content warning, concerns child abuse and rape]

[Todayistheday1902]

NC (some personal info in this post)
Hope this makes sense (apology, English isn't my first language).

I watched this programme on YouTube over the weekend and it has got me wondering.
In the program, 6 women (between 25 and 36) were confronting their mother for being an absentee mother because of drugs, alcohol & men.
It transpired that the mother had been through trauma at the age of 6 where she was molested then again raped at the age of 13 by a family friend. It obviously impacted her relationships and how she parented her children.
The host pushed the mother into opening up to her daughters so they could maybe understand (not justify) why she was such a bad parent, was not present, addicted to drugs, drunk and had unhealthy relationships with men.
She also stated that it was important for our children to know who we were as women before we became mothers.
I was molested at 7 and sexually abused by my uncle when I was a teen.
My dad was an alcoholic and physically abusive towards my mum and us kids.
As much as I have tried to have 'normal' relationships with men, I know this has massively affected me, especially when it came to sex.

My only DD is now 14 (I am a single mum), unwillingly, I am also sure my traumas have impacted the way I parented her. I did go through counselling but don't think it helped fixed me 100%.

My question is: Do you think, it is important for our children to know the good, bad and the ugly we went through before we were parents? to know what type of environment we grew up in? I think 14 is too young but shall I tell my DD one day?

No definitely not now she is at a delicate age she will be going through many changes physically and emotionally it is not the right time, you'll be relieving yourself and burdening her. I'm sorry.
When she is older and mature enough to deal with her feelings around it.

@Fefifobum
I am so sorry that was done to you. Deep dark secrets are toxic. It breeds shame.
Absolutely don’t need to tell your children, but a friend, a counsellor? Or start a post here, you deserve to be heard. Honestly, the process of purging it out isn’t nice but there can be peace on the other side.

I've realised as an adult that I was put into a confident/therapist role as a child, and was essentially required to excuse a lot of things about our relationship due to her past. It led to me being an anxious adult that felt unsafe and unprotected.

I relate strongly to this. Once you no longer see your parents as your protectors, but as vulnerable people in need of protection, you are cast into the role of carer and it's a frightening and heavy burden for a 14 year old to carry. You need to protect your daughter from that.

I think there's a difference between telling an adult child (and by adult I mean 30 year old not 18 year old) and telling a 14 year old. Tell her in later life, when she's emotionally mature and living independently of you.

Our decision to speak to our adult DC was purely based upon the likelihood of them hearing about it in later years. One sibling has spoken to her DD (as a warning), but not her DS or long-standing partner. Another is very open with their DC.

It would come out one day - and it has explained partly to our DC why there are some very odd relationships within the family. Secrets are not healthy.

If no-one else knew, and the perpetrator was dead, we might have taken a different stance.

Depends on the situation. My mother mentioned things when talking about her childhood, but not until I was in my late teens, and no gory details, just enough that it meant I understood that side of the family better. I'm glad I know what I know because the fall out is still happening 40 years after my grandfather died and knowing means I can make some sort of sense of it.

The (unrelated) abuse I suffered? I'm highly unlikely to ever mention it to DS ever because I can see no way it would help or benefit him to know. It wasn't a family member, it's not a person we are in any way, even indirectly, in contact with.