To stop dating this man for this reason?

[natinoo]

(Not in the U.K. so not in lockdown)

Met a guy recently and the first time I met him, he came across like he took himself way too seriously and was trying too hard. He was a bit of a show-off and also a bit patronising. He came across a bit fake. Not hugely but just enough to irk me.

I deciding to give him a second chance, while also making it clear that I wasn't impressed by such behaviour (I communicated it in a nice way ). The next date was much better and by date 5, any pretence or superiority complex had completely gone and he turned out to be completely lovely and very humble.

I introduced him to 5 of my friends this week and was horrified that he was the version of himself I met the first time. Not only did my friends not like him....I didn't like him!

My friends were very very overt about their dislike for him when I spoke to them afterwards and frankly, I'm not surprised.

It's completely taken the wind out of my sails with him now. It seems to just be his manner when he meets new people (nerves maybe?) but it's horrid knowing my friends can't stand him!

Sounds like he turns into a twat when he is trying to impress people. He sounds deeply insecure.

If he pisses you off this early on, I really would not bother. He isn't going to change.

Have you asked him why he does this ? It’s a good enough reason to finish with him though.

any pretence or superiority complex had completely gone

It hadn’t. It was hidden. That’s the end of him.

maybe it's just his 'go to' behaviour when he is stressed/nervous, and the underlying more laid back version you've seen is more the real him?

Maybe he'll calm down with them in time.
Why not talk to him about it?

@BendyLikeBeckham

Sounds like he turns into a twat when he is trying to impress people. He sounds deeply insecure.

If he pisses you off this early on, I really would not bother. He isn't going to change.

Yep, I second this! My exP and sadly father to my DC was like this, insecure yes, arrogant yes, showy, hated it! You can keep discussing it nicely, but will it really help?

@EveryDayIsADuvetDay

maybe it's just his 'go to' behaviour when he is stressed/nervous, and the underlying more laid back version you've seen is more the real him?

Maybe he'll calm down with them in time.
Why not talk to him about it?

I think this is the case. He's not got an ounce of arrogance in 'real life'. He's really sweet and humble.

He isn't arrogant at all, as such, just takes himself too seriously when he first meets people.

Really hard to describe. He's not a Rolex flashing, attention seeking, loud talking type.

Rather, he just seems to struggle to relax and let his guard down and makes comments that seem like he's trying (and failing) to impress.

I thought he sounded shy

@Winningmoves

any pretence or superiority complex had completely gone

It hadn’t. It was hidden. That’s the end of him.

This. He's shown you who he is and shown your friends. He is ramping it down when you are together to suck you in. Trust me, I married a man like this and he made my life hell.

No, yanbu. clearly you are not impressed with this guy so don't waste your time..

Walk away, op. This one is a twat.

I knew someone who was an absolute fuck face on meeting. She pissed me off, she pissed off everyone.

Except my lovely friend who told me to keep trying. He's a good bloke so I did. I kept trying and when she was drunk one night she said she has crippling social anxiety and the cold, nasty exterior is the defense.

I'd tell him what he's doing and ask why. Either could be the real him.

I agree with others that this sounds like anxiety / insecurity. If it is, then its unlikely to only be limited to meeting new people and long term will show up in other areas of his life and impact on your relationship. In fact the 'sweet and humble' may also be linked to insecurity as he might feel that he needs to be on his best behaviour with you, otherwise you will dump him.

I'd talk to him and find out if he knows he comes across badly when he meets new people, and what his general self-awareness is like.. If it is caused by anxiety and insecurity, then, in my opinion, he needs to have lots of amazing qualities to counterbalance that, otherwise long term the relationship can feel like really hard work.

I wouldn't be introducing a new man in my life that soon to 5! friends! Bloody ell, what's the hurry? Do you need their approval?

I'd be freaked out if thrown into "the lads" crowd that soon by him....

@Iflyaway

I wouldn't be introducing a new man in my life that soon to 5! friends! Bloody ell, what's the hurry? Do you need their approval?

I'd be freaked out if thrown into "the lads" crowd that soon by him....

This^ is actually my reaction too. He’s been put in a sink or swim high stress situation by being thrown so soon into meeting 5 friends of yours all at once and clearly for the purpose of judging him superficially. Because that’s all it can be, a superficial judgement based on a few hours acquaintance.

So, no if I were otherwise happy with him, I would not dump him for failing to breeze through that kind of gauntlet.

Rather, he just seems to struggle to relax and let his guard down and makes comments that seem like he's trying (and failing) to impress.

If this is what you think is the cause, why are you being so judgemental?

At risk of sounding harsh, if he is a nice person who gets nervous, he would be better off with someone kinder. Your friends sound unpleasant to judge so harshly on one meeting.

If he's a twat who is hiding it when in private, you'd be better with someone else.

So either way, I think this one is finished. Just politely move on but don't tell him why as if he is a nice person, you'll make him feel crap and if he isn't, he won't care what you think anyway.

He sounds shy and nervous. If he is lovely when he is relaxed then I would persevere.

@Iflyaway

I wouldn't be introducing a new man in my life that soon to 5! friends! Bloody ell, what's the hurry? Do you need their approval?

I'd be freaked out if thrown into "the lads" crowd that soon by him....

Gosh no. I'd never have suggested it! I was meeting friends for a night out and so was he, and he and I had agreed to meet for a quick drink before we met our respective friends. Timing meant we all ended up together for about 30 minutes.

@PracticingPerson

Rather, he just seems to struggle to relax and let his guard down and makes comments that seem like he's trying (and failing) to impress.

If this is what you think is the cause, why are you being so judgemental?

At risk of sounding harsh, if he is a nice person who gets nervous, he would be better off with someone kinder. Your friends sound unpleasant to judge so harshly on one meeting.

If he's a twat who is hiding it when in private, you'd be better with someone else.

So either way, I think this one is finished. Just politely move on but don't tell him why as if he is a nice person, you'll make him feel crap and if he isn't, he won't care what you think anyway.

Actually I told my friends today that they'd been very harsh and judgemental. I don't disagree that they have been. I just struggle to 'unhear' their views.

You can break up for any reason you like and if you’re thinking of doing it (and having these worries 5 dates in) then imo, you should break up. It doesn’t sound like you’re that into him.

He might not be that bad, he might actually be good to some extent, but being this put off this early is a very bad sign. Even if there's an understandable reason for his behavior, such as anxiety, that doesn't mean it's not off-putting or a problem.

I had social anxiety when younger ( nearly 50 now) and have in the past been described as
Stand offish
A snob
Superior
A twat.
All because I was so tired up in knots mentally when meeting new people.

@MrsTerryPratchett

I knew someone who was an absolute fuck face on meeting. She pissed me off, she pissed off everyone.

Except my lovely friend who told me to keep trying. He's a good bloke so I did. I kept trying and when she was drunk one night she said she has crippling social anxiety and the cold, nasty exterior is the defense.

I'd tell him what he's doing and ask why. Either could be the real him.

This. If you like him, I would give him a chance to redeem himself. The relationship may not work but at least you’ll have given it your best shot.

My advice to you as someone, who is probably decades older than you is not to let others’ opinions completely sway you. Listen to their opinions then think for yourself.

Well. I met a man who did similar. First time I met him I thought he was awful, really arrogant. Then I got to know him, and he grew on me, to my total surprise. He pursued me and we began a relationship... and he gradually turned back into version 1. He really was that person.

Can you honestly be bothered with this though? I think we as women are FAR too quick to excuse poor behaviour, you want to believe that oh its all just anxiety and he's not actually the person he's shown you to be on a third of the occasions you've met him. I agree with the poster who said it's just hidden. Don't know why you chastised your friends when you agreed with them, they're trying to warn you. You will see this side of him again and again, please don't carry on this relationship thinking oh it's only anxiety and I can help fix him, that rarely ever works out. You will see this side of him again, that's for sure.

I go with if someone shows you who they are the first time believe them.