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AIBU?

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Original poster

To stop dating this man for this reason?

82 replies

natinoo · 19/02/2021 00:22

(Not in the U.K. so not in lockdown)

Met a guy recently and the first time I met him, he came across like he took himself way too seriously and was trying too hard. He was a bit of a show-off and also a bit patronising. He came across a bit fake. Not hugely but just enough to irk me.

I deciding to give him a second chance, while also making it clear that I wasn't impressed by such behaviour (I communicated it in a nice way ). The next date was much better and by date 5, any pretence or superiority complex had completely gone and he turned out to be completely lovely and very humble.

I introduced him to 5 of my friends this week and was horrified that he was the version of himself I met the first time. Not only did my friends not like him....I didn't like him!

My friends were very very overt about their dislike for him when I spoke to them afterwards and frankly, I'm not surprised.

It's completely taken the wind out of my sails with him now. It seems to just be his manner when he meets new people (nerves maybe?) but it's horrid knowing my friends can't stand him!

OP posts:
Suzi888 · 19/02/2021 12:14

@EveryDayIsADuvetDay

maybe it's just his 'go to' behaviour when he is stressed/nervous, and the underlying more laid back version you've seen is more the real him?

Maybe he'll calm down with them in time.
Why not talk to him about it?

^^ this
LilMidge01 · 19/02/2021 15:25

Thing is, his real personality could be either one. I'd be worried that I would never really know which one it is. You will always want to believe he is the sweet, humble person really and so it will become easier to see that as the truth....doesn;t make it so. Sorry, sounds like too much of a risk to me.

Also, its never your job to 'fix' a man. Yes, people can change if THEy want to, but you will never change someone who doesn't want to be changed or can't see it.....

LaceyBetty · 19/02/2021 15:29

He showed you who he was the first time - believe him!

peak2021 · 19/02/2021 16:28

Dodge the bullet now!

Bainne · 19/02/2021 16:35

@pictish

Quite. If I went on a date with a shy, awkward man, I couldn’t be arsed to dig deep and nurse him to fruition. 30 year old me would have. 45 year old me would make my excuses and move on.

As a separate point, I think women are under more pressure to be lenient than men are.

Exactly this. A potential boyfriend I have only had a few dates with is not some kind of sickly houseplant I feel obliged to tend and nurture, or to delve deep to find the reasons why someone is self-presenting obnoxiously to me and my friends.

And absolutely it's gendered -- women are socialised to feel they are supposed to want to nurture, rescue, tend, delve deep under someone's surface disagreeableness to find the gem within.

Fuck that. Assuming everyone involved here is actually an adult, and not a nervous fifteen year old, I would have no patience for waiting it out, or delving.

rawalpindithelabrador · 19/02/2021 16:41

@pictish

Quite. If I went on a date with a shy, awkward man, I couldn’t be arsed to dig deep and nurse him to fruition. 30 year old me would have. 45 year old me would make my excuses and move on.

As a separate point, I think women are under more pressure to be lenient than men are.

100%
TenShortStories · 19/02/2021 16:46

If you thought it was just that he doesn't come across well on first meeting but was otherwise wonderful then you wouldn't be posting here. You'd be quite content with the situation and confident that you've found the 'real' him. But here you are.

You're not content, and not totally confident in your assessment of who he is. It looks like you are unsettled by the two sides of his personality and aren't sure what to think. On that basis I'd call it a day - those niggling doubts are important. Ignoring our feelings often gets us into deep water further down the line - not that we're always right, but it's about the level of risk in each situation. I personally wouldn't take the risk with someone who'd already revealed they are cable of putting me off them due to arrogance on 2 out of 5 dates.

billy1966 · 19/02/2021 17:21

Who cares what the truth is.

He's tedious.

He's embarrassing.

Move on.

Do you wantba project?

Are you one of those women that insists on trying fix a man?

Save yourself for someone who doesn't need fixing AKA an adult relationship, as compared with a patient mother/child dynamic.

Yuk!

givemesteel · 19/02/2021 22:23

Redruby2020 no thankfully but the divorce is proving to be a complete nightmare.

Hankunamatata · 19/02/2021 22:49

Im not good match with my best friends husband. We are very different people but he isn't my best friend she is

Funneth · 19/02/2021 23:20

We can all feel tense in social situations, some of us put up more of a guard than others. It sounds like his go to is to appear to be a dick. I would bet that he's not fully aware of how he comes off and underneath he just feels uncomfortable. It might be worth telling him about how he comes off sometimes just to be sure whether it's something he's doing without realising. Maybe say when we hung out X time you were a bit X, were you feeling OK?

CheddarGorgeous · 20/02/2021 05:30

@Bananablondie

Well. I met a man who did similar. First time I met him I thought he was awful, really arrogant. Then I got to know him, and he grew on me, to my total surprise. He pursued me and we began a relationship... and he gradually turned back into version 1. He really was that person.
Are you Elizabeth Bennett?
CheddarGorgeous · 20/02/2021 05:34

I'd give him a chance. You're just dating, not marrying the guy. If you genuinely like him then see what happens.

RubyandPearl · 20/02/2021 05:47

Of course you're not being unreasonable. You can stop seeing someone for any reason in the whole world because its your life and you get to make the choices. Eyes too blue? Too short? Too tall? Whatever. You have complete autonomy.
For what it's worth if hes capable of behaviour that you dont like then I would move on now before you get too attached and start excusing other things.

Good luck whatever you decide Flowers

Catflapkitkat · 20/02/2021 09:06

Out of interest, what's his dating history like? Sometimes that can hold a few clues.

FrickinA · 20/02/2021 09:12

I had a girlfriend like this, really in your face and dominating the convo about herself with others although she was lovely and had a heart of gold. We’re still great friends 15 years after splitting up.
Thing is, she never really changed, she was always like this with people she didn’t know well and I found it difficult to deal with.
He’ll end up relaxing around your friends but be prepared for him to act like this around newer acquaintances. He’ll have his reasons. My GF had an extremely difficult childhood, foster care etc and that’s where it all stemmed from but you can’t tell that kind of thing to your new work colleagues when you’re all out together for the first time socialising and your girlfriend is acting like that.
I also discovered that some people never get over those initial first impressions...

FrickinA · 20/02/2021 09:14

You need to decide how much you actually like him. Everyone has their baggage...

GreenlandTheMovie · 20/02/2021 09:32

He sounds like an avoidant, narcissistic teat who hasn't perfected his mask yet, who would dump you callously if another offer came along and it suited him.

morninglive · 20/02/2021 09:36

Tell him to come back in 10 years when all this immature crap has stopped

BillMasheen · 20/02/2021 09:58

Imagine though, even if the lovely chap is the ‘real’ him, you’re NEVER going to be able to take him to a wedding or any kind of work bash, or anything where he is going times new people. (Not on Holiday, not to a festival with friends) Not without stressing that he’s going to be an arsehole to everyone and make you look a twat.

Or you could be with someone who doesn’t do that.

Toddlerteaplease · 20/02/2021 10:28

He sounds very shy.

Redruby2020 · 20/02/2021 23:37

@FrickinA

I had a girlfriend like this, really in your face and dominating the convo about herself with others although she was lovely and had a heart of gold. We’re still great friends 15 years after splitting up. Thing is, she never really changed, she was always like this with people she didn’t know well and I found it difficult to deal with. He’ll end up relaxing around your friends but be prepared for him to act like this around newer acquaintances. He’ll have his reasons. My GF had an extremely difficult childhood, foster care etc and that’s where it all stemmed from but you can’t tell that kind of thing to your new work colleagues when you’re all out together for the first time socialising and your girlfriend is acting like that. I also discovered that some people never get over those initial first impressions...
Yes that is it, I think a lot of it stems from upbringing and experiences, my ExP has a lot of issues, I did discuss with him at points and he said he wasn't like this as a child/young man it was after he left home, but that is also because I think he wasn't able to express himself etc didn't get attention etc. He was one of many many siblings.
Norwaydidnthappen · 20/02/2021 23:41

I have social anxiety too as a PP mentioned and I’ve also been described as arrogant, aloof, stand offish and rude. I’m definitely none of those things, I just struggle with social situations especially meeting new people.

He clearly finds it difficult too, I’m guessing he was extremely nervous meeting them and this is just a reflex when he’s nervous. I laugh a lot when nervous even when it’s hugely inappropriate, we all do weird things.

Original poster
natinoo · 21/02/2021 02:07

Well two days later he pissed me off so much with a patronising, disrespectful comment, that I ended it anyway.

And then he tried to tell me it was both of our ideas to end it Confused

That told me everything I needed to know about his true colours!

OP posts:
TenShortStories · 21/02/2021 04:18

Well that's useful for you to know that your initial instinct was bang on!

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