To stop dating this man for this reason?

[natinoo]

(Not in the U.K. so not in lockdown)

Met a guy recently and the first time I met him, he came across like he took himself way too seriously and was trying too hard. He was a bit of a show-off and also a bit patronising. He came across a bit fake. Not hugely but just enough to irk me.

I deciding to give him a second chance, while also making it clear that I wasn't impressed by such behaviour (I communicated it in a nice way ). The next date was much better and by date 5, any pretence or superiority complex had completely gone and he turned out to be completely lovely and very humble.

I introduced him to 5 of my friends this week and was horrified that he was the version of himself I met the first time. Not only did my friends not like him....I didn't like him!

My friends were very very overt about their dislike for him when I spoke to them afterwards and frankly, I'm not surprised.

It's completely taken the wind out of my sails with him now. It seems to just be his manner when he meets new people (nerves maybe?) but it's horrid knowing my friends can't stand him!

To me, it doesn't matter why he is the way he is sometimes. The fact is, he has a problem. And this early on I wouldnt want to deal with it. Too many flags.

You'll kick yourself if a year or two down the line he's still doing it, purposely or not.

I'm with others, I think it is a big warning sign. That this disrespect will creep back in.

This is my experience. My former husband has quite a polarising personality and many didn't like him, he comes across as an arrogant know it all.

I got to know him better and he won me over, despite some people thinking I was mad for being with him.

The arrogant disrespect gradually seeped back in to our relationship as the novelty wore off and we went through some hard times. He now behaves like someone with NPD.

The root cause of his arrogance is a deep seated insecurity, but that doesn't stop him from being a twat.

Honestly I wish I had listened to my instincts when I first met him, and others opinions as he's ruined my life.

If I ever date anyone again it would only be blokes with very decent levels of self esteem. Anyone who behaved like this man you're referring to would not get a second chance.

Can’t help but feel like his conduct/manner/demeanour must have been overtly twatty for all your friends to have taken against him in half an hour.

Unless your friends are a judgemental, unfriendly lot, I’m going to say you should take heed.

You don’t need someone you can’t take anywhere do you?

To add...he’s on his best behaviour at the moment but once the initial flush of a new relationship wears off, it’ll be back to arrogant and patronising and it will be directed at YOU.
Bet you my last tenner.

I don't know. I went on a date (online dating) my first date post divorce and at 40 was absolutely terrified. I met this bloke and got very drunk (I NEVER drink), was a bit weird as I was so bloody nervous and went to the toilet around 10 times as my bladder just kept feeling like it would burst. I came away feeling like such a prat. However he text me to arrange another date, this turned into a few more dates by which time I was able to drop the nerves and just enjoy the time together.

We have been together for 4 years now and married a year ago. Had he judged me on that first date he would have said i was a loonatic!

You have to ask? Your boundaries are screwed. You can dump for any reason. Why did you give him a second chance? He's a twat. Ghost and stop dating until your bullshit radar is way better than it is now. What Sciurus said. So what if he has 'social anxiety' or whatever the fuck, that's his problem to sort out, he's an adult. Up your game.

The first time I met my best friends boyfriend (now husband) I thought he was rude, arrogant and overly competitive. She told him that some of the things he said had upset/offended me. The next time I saw them he took me to one side and offered me a very sincere apology.
He is someone who when nervous acts like a berk. My friend has now been with him twelve years and he really is a kind and lovely man...he just makes a terrible first impression!

You can stop dating anyone for any reason. Why anyone would ask this on MN is beyond me though. Of course you're going to be told he's an arsehole even when you have clearly stated that he seems 'lovely' as you've gotten to know him.

@Borntohula

You can stop dating anyone for any reason. Why anyone would ask this on MN is beyond me though. Of course you're going to be told he's an arsehole even when you have clearly stated that he seems 'lovely' as you've gotten to know him.

Or get a load of apologists, oh, he's lovely, just insecure, etc etc. MN is the best example of female social conditioning in the world.

There’s this school of thought prevalent in our society that women are obliged to give unattractive men a chance. Are men pressured the same way? Are they fuck.

One of my friends has married a man like this. The first time I met him I smiled and held my hand out and he completely blanked me. He was similarly rude to her other friends, to the point that one of them sensitively addressed it with her and told her we all felt the same. She said oh no you're wrong he's just shy. This man works in broadcast media.

As far as I know she's happy at home, they have kids and a nice life. But everyone else he meets just says 'what an arsehole'. He turned up to another friends wedding wearing dirty, casual street wear.

If you end up in a long term relationship you might find yourself getting sympathetic looks from others because they think he's a dick and it's weird that a smashing girl like you would be with someone like that.

It’s always embarrassing to be with someone that other people think is a prick. Why put yourself in that position? Walk away.

Depends really, if the twatty

@givemesteel

I'm with others, I think it is a big warning sign. That this disrespect will creep back in.

This is my experience. My former husband has quite a polarising personality and many didn't like him, he comes across as an arrogant know it all.

I got to know him better and he won me over, despite some people thinking I was mad for being with him.

The arrogant disrespect gradually seeped back in to our relationship as the novelty wore off and we went through some hard times. He now behaves like someone with NPD.

The root cause of his arrogance is a deep seated insecurity, but that doesn't stop him from being a twat.

Honestly I wish I had listened to my instincts when I first met him, and others opinions as he's ruined my life.

If I ever date anyone again it would only be blokes with very decent levels of self esteem. Anyone who behaved like this man you're referring to would not get a second chance.

Are you still with him? It was hard to tell from your post

@rawalpindithelabrador but who here can possibly know!? We can literally only go by what OP says so 'he sounds like a dream' AND 'he's plotting to lure you in and then show his true colours' are both ridiculous responses.

@pictish

There’s this school of thought prevalent in our society that women are obliged to give unattractive men a chance. Are men pressured the same way? Are they fuck.

How do so many 'unattractive' women end up in relationships then?

Hula
No such thing as an unattractive woman. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

Who says this guy is unattractive? He may be very attractive to some. Op needs to decide if his behaviour is a deal breaker or if she should give him another chance. She can stop seeing him for any reason.

@Mummyoflittledragon huh? I was responding to a post about women being 'obliged to give unattractive men a chance...'

Unattractive - as in not appealing, devoid of charm, lacking to us in some way...not as in ugly.
Women are often expected to dig deeper, get to know someone better, explain away flaws and transgressions. Maybe he’s just shy. Maybe he’s nervous. Maybe has past trauma. Maybe he’s just a lost soul that needs to love of a good woman.

Men don’t get this shit.

My opinion, he lacks self-confidence, tries too hard to compensate and come across badly.

I'm with the other posters who say you'd be wise to heed this warning. If either of these personalities is his true one, it's not good. A man with low self esteem will break you, one way or another.

@pictish

Unattractive - as in not appealing, devoid of charm, lacking to us in some way...not as in ugly. Women are often expected to dig deeper, get to know someone better, explain away flaws and transgressions. Maybe he’s just shy. Maybe he’s nervous. Maybe has past trauma. Maybe he’s just a lost soul that needs to love of a good woman.

Men don’t get this shit.

Maybe he is shy or awkward though? I was in a terrible place mentally when I met my current bf, very much doubt I came across well. He didn't write me off for it!

He sounds like an arse OP. Your first impression was correct.

I was in a terrible place mentally when I met my current bf, very much doubt I came across well. He didn't write me off for it!

Borntohula it was your BFs choice about whether to date you or not. For many reasons, some people don't want to date someone who has, for want of a better word, issues. It's not a terrible thing to discount someone as a potential partner because they are shy, awkward, anxious, insecure etc. Just like some people won't date a smoker or a man with a beard.

Quite. If I went on a date with a shy, awkward man, I couldn’t be arsed to dig deep and nurse him to fruition. 30 year old me would have. 45 year old me would make my excuses and move on.

As a separate point, I think women are under more pressure to be lenient than men are.