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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Aibu to be upset at boyfriend being aggressive

80 replies

lonelylou09 · 14/02/2021 19:24

So this just happened out the blue.
He's been a bit moody today but snapped out of it this evening and we swapped cards and gifts and decided we would cook our valentine's meal together.
Both in the kitchen and I was at the sink tidying up a bit. He's behind me at the cooked unpacking the food. He starts wrestling with a stuffed mushroom stuck in the packet and I laugh and reach over to get it out. All of a sudden he grabs my arms and really shoves me away. I banged my back and hip into the sink hard and I'm just in shock. Straight away he says sorry and he didn't mean it.
I walked off not knowing what to say or do and went and sat down. He came in to apologize and just said he didnt like me trying to take over. I said I was only trying to help.
Awkward silence and then he tries to get me to go and help him cook. I walk off again and come to bed.
He's been up to apologize again but I don't want to speak to him.
I'm just so shocked at the turn of aggression towards me.
For background we've been together for nearly 2 years, lived together most of that time and he's never done anything like this before.
I feel sick and confused and don't know what to do.
Am I over reacting? Ive been in a very violent relationship in the past which eventually ending up with my then partner going to prison.
I know he didn't mean to shove me so hard or hurt me but I don't know how I am meant to deal with this....just get up and go and have food like nothing has happened? Try and talk about it or tell him to pack his shit up and leave because I really don't want to ever feel unsafe in my own home ever again.
Great valentine's Day!

OP posts:

PiscesScot · 14/02/2021 19:28

Some people will say he was just frustrated and didn’t mean it.

I think that all abuse starts somewhere. And that he wouldn’t have forcefully shoved his mum/boss under the same circumstances.

DimidDavilby · 14/02/2021 19:28

tell him to pack his shit up and leave because I really don't want to ever feel unsafe in my own home ever again.

This one.

His excuses and justification are the worst part. Even if you'd snatched the mushroom off him and told him to fuck off that would have been no reason to push you.

Is it your house? Is there someone you can ring to come over?

YouJustDoYou · 14/02/2021 19:28

This will be just the start. If it's in him in the first place to do this, it's part of who he is. As mad as my kids, weaker and smaller as they are than me, make me, I would never, ever, grab them and shove them against anything.

Red flags, op. All the red flags of Russia.

Original poster

lonelylou09 · 14/02/2021 19:33

I think the excuses part made it worse as it just reminded me of my ex who would always say it was somehow my fault and if I didn't make him mad he wouldn't hit me..that kind of thing.
It's definitely not his usual character but there's a big size difference between us..he's 6ft3 and 20 stone and I'm 5.4 and 12st.
I don't feel like I need someone to come over..I just don't know how I feel about the situation to know how to try to respond to it

OP posts:

tiredybear · 14/02/2021 19:40

Something's eating at him at by the sounds of it, if he's been grumpy all day and then acted so out of character.

You need to talk to him. Find out what's got him so het up, but also make VERY clear that that kind of behaviour is completely unacceptable.

Hopefully the conversation will make it clearer what your next move should be. Trust yourself.

Cherrysoup · 14/02/2021 19:49

Of course YANBU! Has he ever been violent with you before?

Babdoc · 14/02/2021 19:49

OP, when you have suffered one violent abusive partner, the last thing you need is signs of the same behaviour in your current partner.
If he knows about your past, he should be doubly careful never to do anything like this. Not only because it is unacceptable behaviour in any circumstances, but because it could be triggering for you.
Personally, I would have dumped him over this. The trust is gone - you will be forever wondering when the next attack will happen, and walking on eggshells in case you “annoy” him again and “provoke” him to hurt you.
It’s always the woman’s fault, isn’t it, according to these men - how dare we cause their violence, by trying to help them open a mushroom packet!
Leave him, OP. Find a partner you can trust, who would never dream of hurting you, with whom you can relax and laugh and be yourself.

WhereDoMyBluebirdsFly · 14/02/2021 19:49

tell him to pack his shit up and leave because I really don't want to ever feel unsafe in my own home ever again.

Yes, do this.

You were only trying to help and he pushed you. Even if you'd shouted that he was a mushroom failing wanker his reaction would be way over the top. There wasn't an argument, it wasn't something that happened in the heat of the moment when tempers were running high, he was opening a packet of mushrooms. Please ask him to leave, this isn't OK at all.

Snowymcsnowsony · 14/02/2021 19:50

He needs to be an ex bf.
Or this is your life.

1FootInTheRave · 14/02/2021 19:52

It is likely that this will just be the start.

I think you need to leave.

TurquoiseDragon · 14/02/2021 19:54

@WhereDoMyBluebirdsFly

tell him to pack his shit up and leave because I really don't want to ever feel unsafe in my own home ever again.

Yes, do this.

This, absolutely.

He needs to be an ex, because this will escalate.

MotherofTerriers · 14/02/2021 19:54

If its your home, tell him to leave
Once is once too often

JamieFrasersAuntie · 14/02/2021 19:56

How often is he moody?

Jackie2022 · 14/02/2021 19:58

You’re not overreacting

It’s good that you have shown him that his behaviour has consequences and is unacceptable. He would only escalate further if you don’t

If you stay with him, he needs to learn to manage his anger - not that you did anything to trigger his anger by the way, he clearly has issues

TurquoiseDragon · 14/02/2021 20:00

I've just recalled reading something that says that on average, abusive behaviour begins around the 2 year mark or during/straight after a major life event like pregnancy or marriage, when the abuser thinks the victim is trapped.

Jackie2022 · 14/02/2021 20:01

Sorry, to clarify I think you should tell him to leave. If you do get together in the future he needs to prove this will never happen again, I’d expect him to complete anger management courses or get a full course of counselling or something. He can’t simply waltz back in.

FFSAllTheGoodOnesArereadyTaken · 14/02/2021 20:04

The only way I think you can get round something like this is if there is something awful that is happening to him at the same time that just completely overwhelmed him. And by that I mean if he had just had a parent die or a cancer diagnosis or something life changing that meant he is genuinely struggling and acting completely out of character.
I've got a feeling that's not the case though. Being moody for no reason and then shoving you because you tried to take a mushroom out a packet to help him, and then blaming you for trying to take over is just completely inexcusable. Most people do not act like this, even under the pressure of lockdowns or having a really shitty day or having lost their job or whatever. I think you are going to have to end it. Sorry

Original poster

lonelylou09 · 14/02/2021 22:13

Thanks for all comments. He came up with a cup of tea and grovelling apologies. I've made it very clear that I'm not happy with his behaviour at all. Also stated to him that he is much bigger than me and that he did hurt me.
I'm not sure how I feel about it but yes I know the warning signs and he does know I've been very badly hurt in the past and I can remember it started with pushing and shoving then quickly escalated to much worse.
Nothing major has happened to excuse it ...not that there is ever an excuse.
He was moody as he wanted me to drive him somewhere and I refused as weather was awful and I just wanted to stay home. He eventually drove himself but did sulk for a bit. He does get like that sometimes but I generally just ignore it and it's never made him angry before.

OP posts:

giantwaterbottle · 14/02/2021 22:17

I'm so sorry OP and you are definitely not being unreasonable.

I don't think I could get past this and I couldn't ever see someone I love or is meant to love me treating me like that. You deserve better x

Tumblebugsjump · 14/02/2021 22:32

Leave, sulking in an adult is a tactic to control you, he'll do it again. There was no excuse, he's show you who he is.

SnarkyBag · 14/02/2021 22:33

So he was sulking already to punish you for not doing what he wanted earlier in the day and then found a flimsy reason to shove you into the sink because let’s be honest he thought you deserved it for not driving him somewhere earlier.
He can apologise all he wants but he knows now that he’s set the tone. Do what I want or risk getting hurt.

honeylulu · 14/02/2021 22:38

Why didn't he drive himself in the first place? Does he think you're his servant? It sounds like he's making excuses to get moody/angry and put you in your place (using his size and strength for leverage). Get out now.

Original poster

lonelylou09 · 14/02/2021 22:52

He said it wasn't like we were arguing and he lashed out at me in anger..he didn't mean to shove me so hard. He has tried to make light of it while still being apologetic but it's upset me as he knows I had an ex go to prison for domestic abuse.
I'm a lot stronger than I was then and I'm certainly not going to stand for that again. I've made it clear if he ever does anything like that again he can pack his things and leave.
I had a lot of counseling when I went through it before so I know how men twist it around and then push you a little further each time to see just how far they can push.
He does sometimes sulk if he doesn't get his own way but never for any time and he's never even shouted at me before.

OP posts:

PopperPet · 14/02/2021 22:54

I’m sorry you’re having to deal with this. It’s always a decision only you can make, all I can say is that in your place I would end the relationship now.

Partly because, as many others have noted, a relationship where he’s being physically abusive has to start with the first action of aggression, and very often it’s exactly this - where he’s ‘moody’ and doesn’t mean to harm you but just does something thoughtlessly heavy-handed, oh maybe just an unthinking shove but you go flying etc. Then he’s utterly ashamed and apologetic. But how many women can say yeah, been there once and he apologised and it clearly shocked him & he never, NEVER did anything like that again? In my experience men can control their physical reaction to their own moods, or they can’t. And the ones who can’t, pretty much never learn how to.

For you, also, I think your own past reduces the chances of things getting better over time now. Your experience makes you very rightly apprehensive and alert to any repeat of your bad past relationship. Now this guy has hurt you, no matter how much it might be a sincere mistake and you both want to put it behind you - to be blunt, will you be able to? Or will you now always be on eggshells, in case you do something perfectly reasonable but he makes it his excuse, again, to get moody and volatile? Do you honestly think you’ll really ever be comfortable around him again? I know I wouldn’t. I’m sorry I can’t tell you something more cheerful or optimistic, OP, but from my own experience I feel uneasy for you if you stay with him.

7yo7yo · 14/02/2021 23:08

So he stonewalls you with sulking which had now escalated to physical? Dump him op. Your boundaries are good, get rid before he hurts you badly.

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