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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Aibu to be upset at boyfriend being aggressive

80 replies

lonelylou09 · 14/02/2021 19:24

So this just happened out the blue.
He's been a bit moody today but snapped out of it this evening and we swapped cards and gifts and decided we would cook our valentine's meal together.
Both in the kitchen and I was at the sink tidying up a bit. He's behind me at the cooked unpacking the food. He starts wrestling with a stuffed mushroom stuck in the packet and I laugh and reach over to get it out. All of a sudden he grabs my arms and really shoves me away. I banged my back and hip into the sink hard and I'm just in shock. Straight away he says sorry and he didn't mean it.
I walked off not knowing what to say or do and went and sat down. He came in to apologize and just said he didnt like me trying to take over. I said I was only trying to help.
Awkward silence and then he tries to get me to go and help him cook. I walk off again and come to bed.
He's been up to apologize again but I don't want to speak to him.
I'm just so shocked at the turn of aggression towards me.
For background we've been together for nearly 2 years, lived together most of that time and he's never done anything like this before.
I feel sick and confused and don't know what to do.
Am I over reacting? Ive been in a very violent relationship in the past which eventually ending up with my then partner going to prison.
I know he didn't mean to shove me so hard or hurt me but I don't know how I am meant to deal with this....just get up and go and have food like nothing has happened? Try and talk about it or tell him to pack his shit up and leave because I really don't want to ever feel unsafe in my own home ever again.
Great valentine's Day!

OP posts:

TheSunshines · 15/02/2021 06:55

Sorry OP but he knows you've put up with it before I don't mean that to sound harsh. I've been there. They know exactly what they are doing.

TheSunshines · 15/02/2021 06:59

@Tumblebugsjump

Leave, sulking in an adult is a tactic to control you, he'll do it again. There was no excuse, he's show you who he is.

And this.....

Run for the hills OP I'm even more convinced this is what is happening after reading the rest off the thread. Please don't stay. I wasted so much of my life being abused by men please don't waste yours.

AmandaHugenkiss · 15/02/2021 07:03

Just to add I was with my abusive ex for 18 months before physical pushing and later grabbing and shaking started. Before this, he used to give me the silent treatment and walk off if I did something he didn’t like. I should have left then, but stayed for the slapping and only realised it was abuse when he had me by the neck against the wall. That was 9 years in.

My now DP hasn’t even shouted at me in 5 years. We’ve disagreed, had a conversation and then made up/compromised within about 10 minutes each time. I didn’t realise this was what a loving adult relationship should be like. It’s amazing and you deserve amazing, you don’t deserve abuse.

Norwester · 15/02/2021 07:20

OP, I can understand that you want to give him a second chance, go down the 'if you ever do it again, that's it' road... But you really, really should not.

If you want to give him a chance, he does that from outside your home. Tell him to pack up and.leave. if he's truly sorry and wants to make a change, he will do. And maybe at some point in the future, he can.rebuild that trust.

If he stays... He could hold off until you are more vulnerable. Pregnant. Unemployed. Ill. Injured. Somehow dependent upon him.

Until your lives are so entwined that it's hard to get away.

I know it is tough after 'just once' to make him leave, but hurting you is unacceptable. So do not accept it. Do not give it a pass.

Fridainexile · 15/02/2021 07:22

Yeah tell him to leave . It’ll only escalate from here , as you well know.

SchwingLow · 15/02/2021 07:22

Has he ever accidentally shoved anyone at work or in the supermarket? Has he ever accidentally thrown a really big man at the gym against the weights bench? Or his dad?

rattlemehearties · 15/02/2021 07:29

Huh? Why are you giving him another chance? You've basically told him he can do it again. No way. Say actually you've changed your mind and leave/tell him to leave. Make sure a friend or family member knows so you are safe. He crossed the line and there is no going back - it's not normal for someone to behave like that.

Five67Eight · 15/02/2021 07:30

Sorry OP but no. Your boundaries are obviously shot.

No-one with good boundaries accepts this even once.

I’ve been with DH for nearly 20 years. Never once has he.

I’ve also had my share of exes. Not once have any of them. Because why? Why would they?

They’re not animals, unable to control themselves.

They’re men. Decent men.

MagnoliaBeige · 15/02/2021 07:35

I’m so sorry OP but I agree with everyone telling you to run. Ask yourself honestly, next time you don’t do something he wants you to, are you going to be tempted to agree just to appease him and defuse the situation from escalating again? If the answer is yes, you’re in an abusive relationship.

Please tell someone in real life and get some support x

notacooldad · 15/02/2021 07:37

Sounds like you've gone from the frying pan into the fire with your relationship.
Only you can decide if you want to stay there.

pictish · 15/02/2021 07:41

As much as the shove was bad enough, I’m also interested in the driving scenario. He was annoyed because you wouldn’t drive him somewhere and ended up driving himself.
Why on earth did he want you to drive him anywhere if he can drive?

pictish · 15/02/2021 07:43

I’m going somewhere with this btw...

lunar1 · 15/02/2021 07:47

You have to realise that this isn't normal. My husband and I have had rows and he has never come close to harming me. My first husband never did either, they are both good people though.

I've had a couple of shitty bad tempered boyfriends in the past, they never hit me or shoved me.

Any kind of violence in a relationship isn't healthy and is extreme. I was hit a lot growing up and it took me a long time to realise how abnormal this behaviour is.

You are worth better and there are plenty of men out there who wouldn't dream of getting physical.

An accident would have been if he turned and bumped into you. He might no have meant to shove you so hard, but he did mean to shove you, violence is in his nature.

BigGreen · 15/02/2021 07:51

Urgh, honestly if you have a crying reflux baby who's been screaming for hours, or a really difficult period of ill health or any of the challenges that life tends to bring, do you really want to be dragging a sulking man child along with you? He sounds awful tbh.

Ostryga · 15/02/2021 07:53

Op you can’t give him a second chance. He shouldn’t even need the first one. Abusive men (which he is) don’t feel remorse - they just feel bad their mask slipped.

He will be nice as pie now to reel you back in, make sure you’re comfortable with him and it’ll happen again. It will escalate.

Stop it all now and get rid of him. You have the power here, don’t wait for the next time. Your life is so much more important than being in a relationship with an abusive man.

MistleTOEboughski · 15/02/2021 08:03

OP don't you wish you had left your abusive ex at the first sign of abuse? I know it's hard but it is better to go through that than go through another abusive relationship.

Nith · 15/02/2021 08:17

Why does he want you to drive him to places if he's capable of driving himself?

Five67Eight · 15/02/2021 08:42

These threads are sadly predictable.

OP comes on to question unacceptable behaviour from her partner.

MN confirms that the behaviour absolutely is 100% unacceptable.

The OP can’t or won’t hear it, even though she asked because she deep down knows. And so she vanishes.

I hope I’m wrong.

Bananalanacake · 15/02/2021 08:51

Was it his idea to move in with you so quickly. Abusive men do this so they can control you.

Velvian · 15/02/2021 09:17

He has to go, op. I'm sorry this has happened again

CandlesBlanketsandTea · 15/02/2021 09:27

Also the title of this post is incorrect he's ABUSIVE not just aggressive. I really really hope you leave him because you've travelled this road before, there are no excuses on this planet that justify his behaviour.

CandlesBlanketsandTea · 15/02/2021 09:28

@Five67Eight

These threads are sadly predictable.

OP comes on to question unacceptable behaviour from her partner.

MN confirms that the behaviour absolutely is 100% unacceptable.

The OP can’t or won’t hear it, even though she asked because she deep down knows. And so she vanishes.

I hope I’m wrong.

I fear the same and it's so sad.

Vixyboo · 17/02/2021 16:01

Only you know what you're prepared to put up with. Personally I wish I had been honest with myself about my ex much sooner.

WhereamI88 · 17/02/2021 17:28

In all my relationships over the last 15 years, I can firmly say not a single man has ever pushed me or shoved me. Ever. I am no less annoying than you or other people, I have definitely had my fair share of big shouty arguments with ExDh and my current partner has definitely been frustrated with me at times. Your partner is the problem here.

billy1966 · 17/02/2021 18:02

@WhereamI88

Nearly 40 years of boyfriend's and a husband and have never experienced it OR heard of it from any friend over the years.

It is NOT normal.

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