Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to be upset at boyfriend being aggressive

80 replies

lonelylou09 · 14/02/2021 19:24

So this just happened out the blue.
He's been a bit moody today but snapped out of it this evening and we swapped cards and gifts and decided we would cook our valentine's meal together.
Both in the kitchen and I was at the sink tidying up a bit. He's behind me at the cooked unpacking the food. He starts wrestling with a stuffed mushroom stuck in the packet and I laugh and reach over to get it out. All of a sudden he grabs my arms and really shoves me away. I banged my back and hip into the sink hard and I'm just in shock. Straight away he says sorry and he didn't mean it.
I walked off not knowing what to say or do and went and sat down. He came in to apologize and just said he didnt like me trying to take over. I said I was only trying to help.
Awkward silence and then he tries to get me to go and help him cook. I walk off again and come to bed.
He's been up to apologize again but I don't want to speak to him.
I'm just so shocked at the turn of aggression towards me.
For background we've been together for nearly 2 years, lived together most of that time and he's never done anything like this before.
I feel sick and confused and don't know what to do.
Am I over reacting? Ive been in a very violent relationship in the past which eventually ending up with my then partner going to prison.
I know he didn't mean to shove me so hard or hurt me but I don't know how I am meant to deal with this....just get up and go and have food like nothing has happened? Try and talk about it or tell him to pack his shit up and leave because I really don't want to ever feel unsafe in my own home ever again.
Great valentine's Day!

OP posts:
ItsJackieWeaverBitch · 14/02/2021 23:16

He came in to apologize and just said he didnt like me trying to take over.

This and “making light of it” rings alarm bells for me. He’s putting it on you- you “took over” and if you hadn’t done that he presumably wouldn’t have shoved you and hurt you? And now he’s making light of it so if you don’t get over it and forgive and forget sharpish you’re the one who’s at fault. Trust your instincts here.

Aquamarine1029 · 14/02/2021 23:20

Sadly, you are with another abusive man. It has begun and will only escalate. Get him out.

Fromthebirdsnest · 14/02/2021 23:22

Under Clairs law you can have the police disclose whether he has a history of domestic violence ..It's not ok for him to do this and if he's done it once he will do it again , I'd leave him x

lydia2021 · 14/02/2021 23:26

Run girl run. Red flags waving at you. Starts like this, at times in domestic abuse, so move fast. It will nor get any better.

dublingirl66 · 14/02/2021 23:32

Sorry no

No way can you allow this

Awful man

I escaped an abusive ex
It started like this and ended very badly

Please be careful xxx

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 14/02/2021 23:37

I’ve been with DH 25 years and I’m sure he’s had plenty of grumpy days and I’ve been irritating often enough in that time. He’s never felt the need to shove me.

The apologies sound like “sorry, but...”, he’s not sincere.

RootyT00t · 14/02/2021 23:59

@SnarkyBag

So he was sulking already to punish you for not doing what he wanted earlier in the day and then found a flimsy reason to shove you into the sink because let’s be honest he thought you deserved it for not driving him somewhere earlier. He can apologise all he wants but he knows now that he’s set the tone. Do what I want or risk getting hurt.
OP could correct me but I don't think the driving was the same day. I think she's giving examples.
Jent13c · 15/02/2021 00:05

I have been with DH for 10 years he is 6 inches taller and weighs more than double me. I understand the fact that he is physically intimating, I know that he is an incredibly strong man and if he ever did want to be physical I would have no chance. However he has never under any circumstances, any stress, any argument or huffing EVER raised his hand to me or pushed or shoved or been physical in any way. I know it was a small argument that you had today and it seems ridiculous to leave over a small disagreement but it is NOT normal under any circumstances to raise a hand to anyone no matter how frustrated you are. I'm sorry but the way he has already tried to justify it by saying how sorry he is BUT you were trying to control things and take over is typical bullying abusive behaviour. He has blamed you for him raising your hand to you. You need to leave and keep yourself safe. This will become a pattern.

Hannahusky · 15/02/2021 00:41

There is no excuse for this at all. You mentioned he 'made light' - that's effectively gaslighting and is serious. Be careful and really think about yourself here.

HitchFlix · 15/02/2021 00:47

I've been with the nicest men and complete arseholes in my time. None have ever shoved me or anything even remotely close to it. This is so NOT normal.

It doesn't happen in normal or even slightly shitty relationships - EVER. Honestly there are no excuses and given your background you'd be crazy to stay with this man OP.

billy1966 · 15/02/2021 00:59

@Aquamarine1029

Sadly, you are with another abusive man. It has begun and will only escalate. Get him out.
OP,

You think you have gone through an abusive relationship and won't get caught again YET here you are talking yourself down...

He's sulky, he was annoyed with you and he let his mask slip and he shoved you, and to top it off he's played it down.

You are now back in ANOTHER abusive relationship and you've just been assaulted.

Because yes, being shoved and hurt in your home is DV and you have been assaulted.

This back to the first incident of domestic abuse in your last violent relationship...

Did you minimise it and move on.

IF you have really learnt from the last time you will quickly realise that your relationship is over.

You will not wait for the next time.

He's scum shoving a woman.
Scum.

Protect yourself Flowers

Beforethetakingoftoastandtea · 15/02/2021 01:05

@TurquoiseDragon

I've just recalled reading something that says that on average, abusive behaviour begins around the 2 year mark or during/straight after a major life event like pregnancy or marriage, when the abuser thinks the victim is trapped.
Im late to the thread but i was going to also point this out. Two years is quite the norm for abuse to start.

I've made it clear if he ever does anything like that again he can pack his things and leave.
What if the next time he does it you have a baby? And you are trapped? Abuse often either begins or escalates in pregnancy. He has already been violent towards you. What will be your line in the sand?

Onjnmoeiejducwoapy · 15/02/2021 01:24

I’m so sorry, it doesn’t sound like this is going to be a one off. It sounds like he has already justified and rationalised this in his head. Run.

Wishingwell75 · 15/02/2021 01:58

Oh OP, just to add to the general consensus.....if I had left at the first shove I could have saved myself a whole decade of pain. You've come so far from the other relationship you talk about, the fact that he went to prison means you must have done the very best for yourself and been very brave. Now you have to do that again because you already know how this goes. You are a good person and you will find a way to justify this time and the next if you choose to. But really you're not helping either of you. If you end things now because of what happened earlier you are telling the world but most importantly yourself that you are not someone to be pushed around or abused. You'll also be doing him a favour because maybe he can grasp the seriousness of his behaviour, it might be enough for him to seek help, you never know. You may save a potential future girlfriend's life. I know that sounds dramatic but it all starts somewhere. You've got the opportunity to draw a line under ever being mistreated by a partner again. It's like the best Valentine's gift you could give yourself.

notyourhandmaid · 15/02/2021 02:15

You are not overreacting. You are listening to your instincts.

TheListeners · 15/02/2021 02:32

I think the poster who asked would he have done the same if you were his boss or his mum makes an important point. Because you know he wouldn't have done. It's abuse and he needs to leave. Sorry OP but please don't minimise, this he's telling you who he is and you need to listen.

DeeCeeCherry · 15/02/2021 02:42

There is NOTHING to talk to violent men about, in terms of their disgusting, disrespectful behaviour.

Get rid of him.

Decent men don't hit women.

This, too
I think the poster who asked would he have done the same if you were his boss or his mum makes an important point. Because you know he wouldn't have done

Hellhath · 15/02/2021 02:52

I'm afraid you've just shown him what you will accept and tolerate. He knows now that your bar is set so low a cup of tea and basically telling you it was your fault will fix it.
Violent, aggressive, intimidating men often home in on women who have had previous abusive relationships. The first hint of aggression does one of two things- the woman acts so instantly and decisively that he's out on his ear before he knows what's happened, or she's soothed very easily and he knows he's got her exactly where he wants her.
I wonder, if you said you'd changed your mind and wanted him out would you be scared of his reaction ?
Or would he leave quietly and stay somewhere for a couple of days then try flowers and apologies?

bombastical · 15/02/2021 03:41

Big red flags. Sorry op but for me the relationship would be over. He can say he won’t do it again. How long? You stick around for another 2 years? Then he shoves again? When you have kids and you’re trapped? You know this is no good.

PerveenMistry · 15/02/2021 04:17

@PiscesScot

Some people will say he was just frustrated and didn’t mean it.

I think that all abuse starts somewhere. And that he wouldn’t have forcefully shoved his mum/boss under the same circumstances.

Exactly this.

End it, OP. Don't justify or rationalize. Just get out.

PerveenMistry · 15/02/2021 04:20

@bombastical

Big red flags. Sorry op but for me the relationship would be over. He can say he won’t do it again. How long? You stick around for another 2 years? Then he shoves again? When you have kids and you’re trapped? You know this is no good.
Exactly.

Why not hold out for better? He's not the only one out there.

CandlesBlanketsandTea · 15/02/2021 06:21

GET OUT of this relationship ASAP, he is a monumental asshole. Why would you want to be with someone who physically pushes you around?

joystir59 · 15/02/2021 06:32

I am a bit worried that you are with someone abusive again, and that by not asking him to leave after he was physically aggressive towards you, you are accepting what he has done.

Mollymalone123 · 15/02/2021 06:39

The moodiness and sulking and that fact he held onto it- then shoved you?
Now it sounds like you are preparing to give him another chance?
Please don’t- this isn’t right- whether you’ve been together 2 years or 20- accept or excuse his behaviour

oohmama · 15/02/2021 06:45

all abuse starts somewhere

This