Those of you with divorced parents, how did it impact you?

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How old were you when they divorced and do you wish they had stayed together?

I was only 2 or 3 when my parents divorced so I don’t really remember much but thank god they did.

I’m so please mum left him, my childhood would have been very different had they stayed together and not in a good way.

I was 14 and it impacted immensely as it was hugely acrimonious and essentially they ticked every box on how not to divorce well. I absolutely do not wish they had stayed together at all as they were so ill suited but I wish they had not dealt with it by getting very drunk a lot of the time and, especially in my mums case, by guilt tripping me every time I wanted to see my father. She maintains she never stopped me seeing him, which she didn’t, but the payback every single time I did was horrendous. Only good thing about it was I realised I didn’t want a relationship like that and could recognise when I was in a very similar relationship what the outcome would be!

Mine was similar to @Haggisfish - I was 14 and it was bloody awful. They dealt with it badly and it was acrimonious. It's had a hugely negative impact on my life.

I was about 18, still living at home, and I wish they'd done it years earlier, rather than spending years making each other, and us miserable.

My parents split when I was 3my mum married my stepdad when I was 5 and they split when I was 14. It was really no big deal, i had a happy childhood. Step dads the dad to my 2 younger siblings so i still see him and call his mum my nan. I don't wish they'd stayed together, I like his new partner.

And I was 3 when my real dad went off so I don't remember him being there so not affected by it

@Champagneandmonstermunch

I was about 18, still living at home, and I wish they'd done it years earlier, rather than spending years making each other, and us miserable.

Same.

Mine were divorced by the time I was 18 months old. They hated each other's guts, which is putting it politely. I'm 43 and can honestly say it has affected me very much in terms of my ability to hold down balanced relationships and friendships. I don't necessarily think it's because they were divorced I think it's because they were terrible parents and didn't know, or didn't care about demonstrating normal behaviour. It's all about personal responsibility and being a decent person.

Mid teens. It wasn't acrimonious as such but it costs a hell of a lot of money I later came to find out. They're both good people but just reached the end of the road. One good thing is that they never spoke ill of eachother to my siblings and I.

My parents separated when I was in my mid-twenties, and divorced a few years later. Honestly, it was horrendous, even though my sisters and I were all adults. My father leaned very very heavily on us for support, and put us in a very difficult position. He didn't see a problem with doing this, he still doesn't, and my relationship with him has never recovered. The support we gave him still wasn't good enough, but we gave everything we could to support him. Even though it wasn't our place as his daughters to hear about all of their marriage problems and sex life. Nothing was off limits as far as he was concerned, and he doesn't see why that would be an issue for his children to hear. There is more to all of this, but I don't want to go in to too much detail.

My mother instigated the divorce and became extremely secretive. She would just disappear for a few days at a time. She wouldn't say where she was or what she was doing. When the family house was sold she didn't want to keep any of the framed photos of us. I can understand not wanting to hang on to photos of my siblings and I with our father, but she didn't even want photos of my sisters and I. Neither of them talk about our childhood or the time they were married, it's as if that part of their life no longer exists for them. I find that incredibly hard to deal with. They have never acknowledged how difficult it was for us to go through, or how problematic it was for both of them to lean on us so much for support. Our feelings were not taken in to consideration in that respect, they still aren't.

Mine split when I was 20 so I was old enough to understand that sometimes marriages break down, and it wasn’t a reflection on myself or my siblings.

It was still hard though because I was at university at the time and felt as if I was missing this huge life event hundreds of miles away. I left home for a term and my mum drove me up, and then told me on the way they were separating. By the time term finished and I came home, my mum had moved out and was renting a small house nearby while my siblings (18 and 16) ferried between the two.

It was sad but the last years of their marriage were very tense and they argued a lot so I knew it was for the best. I think it also allowed me to get to know them more as individuals, rather than just the unit of ‘my parents’ I saw them as before. Also seeing them both vulnerable at the height of it was very eye opening.

I was 7 when they split. Whilst we were little I think they did an ok job overall. As we got older (late teens) it got more bitter and I realize neither side was perfect.

I don’t wish they’d stayed together. I did when I was young but as I got older I could see their inherent differences. In the end I was glad for my father. My mother had an affair and stayed with the Other Man (still together over 35 years later). But that relationship did not come from a place of purity and their “happiness” is questionable and her narcissistic ways continue to cause hurt in our family. My father met a wonderful lady who continues to bring kindness and love into our lives, even though my father has now passed away.

But it has damaged me. I think it taught me that people who are supposed to love each other can turn on each other. Maybe it’s idealistic but when your parents, your basis for love and comfort, your core, can split makes you feel quite cynical from an early age. That relationship should be positive and nourishing and when it’s not, even if the parents try their best to be amicable, the underlying message can really mess with kids’ ability to believe in love.

Right from when they split I had an underlying sense of guilt - was I loving/treating/spending time with my parents equally? Having fun with one parent was always tinged with the thought that the other parent was alone or missing out. As a result I still struggle with Christmas and birthdays.

As step-parents/siblings came into the picture things got more complicated, though seemed ok on the surface.

I am fiercely independent and probably a bit of a control freak. I have always resented the added complexity that a split family brought. It felt like a burden emotionally and logistically.

Tbh I think my issues are more from my mother being being narcissistic rather than my parents’ split. But it’s not easy to disentangle the two.

I was 5, sister was three .

I spent years and years petrified my mum was going to leave next, my dad took off after we’d spent a week in foster care . He drove away so fast he left tyre marks on the road.

I didn’t sleep for years because I was so scared my mum would go next . I spent school crying, I cried at dancing classes, k cried at brownies, I always had a horrible knot in my tummy .

As an adult I have trouble forming friendships and relationships, and cling very firmly to people because I’m scared they’ll leave too . I find it very; very hard to trust and believe people .

My dad later told me he was pleased he’d missed out on my childhood, it was what he wanted, which devastated me .

I was 3 and I don't think it affected me at all. Not long term, anyway. Just anecdotally, based on people I've known, it seems to be much worse for people who are teens or even young adults when their parents divorce.

I know you are looking for the perspectives of those that have divorced parents but I just also wanted to offer the other side.

My mum's parents divorced and it affected her very badly growing up. Her mum left the family home and I think back then it was all seen as very shameful.
She married my dad when she was 21 and was determined to stay with him at all costs so that my brother and I wouldn't have the same experience.
My dad had a vile temper, would fly into rages, sometimes hit us and there were numerous arguments. I wish she had left him. It was a horrible atmosphere to grow up in and we were made to feel responsible as she was staying with him for our sake I resolved that I would never marry anyone like my dad and still harbour resentment towards my mum for putting us through that. Despite this I have a good relationship with them now.

By coincidence (?) my husbands parents were also unhappily married. His dad actually outright said to him that he would have left MIL if it wasn't for his children. It has really affected my husband and how he viewed marriage and children. He was very reluctant to have children for a long time. If it wasn't for me giving him an ultimatum I don't think he would have had them at all. He is actually a great dad and happily our marriage is a world away from that of our parents,

I was 3 or 4. The split was really civil. Both remarried (although Mum did divorce again). I'm eternally grateful that they were both so grown up about the whole situation - neither spoke ill of the other and I went to my dad's every weekend, still have really good relationships with them both, they always both attended my prom, graduation etc. It was only as an adult that I learnt the split was due to infidelity, but it was so long ago now it hasn't bothered me learning that. I always feel so sorry for my friends who have divorced parents and have to juggle weddings, kid's birthday parties etc as their divorced parents can't be in the same room as each other.

I was 13. We had been begging my mum to leave from when I was 8.
My dad took possession of my brother 11 at first contact and did not return him
It was over a yr later before my mum could get my dad into court to get access to my brother
My dad had completely brainwashed my brother by this point. He said he didn’t want to see her.
I was forced to visit my dad - who had been hideously violent to all of us for years - to see my bother
My mum only restarted a relationship with my brother in his mid 20s. He believed he had been unwanted by mum and abandoned (my dad’s whispering)
My mum was broken prior to leaving but this left her like a child. She was destroyed. I was the adult until I left home, whilst still at school, aged 18.
I get cross when I hear Women’s Aid say there is no such thing as parental alienation- there is.

@Dinosauraddict

Mine was similar to *@Haggisfish* - I was 14 and it was bloody awful. They dealt with it badly and it was acrimonious. It's had a hugely negative impact on my life.

Similar here, I was just a bit older. They said they wanted to stay together for us children, but waited until my siblings had left home then couldn't hold on any longer. I was the only one left at home with my mum, who had a nervous breakdown and tried to convince me I was having one as well to use as a stick to beat my dad with (I wasn't, I just really struggled to help her). I wasn't allowed to speak to my dad, I didn't know where he'd gone, and I was basically left to my own devices.

I don't wish they'd stayed together - they were terrible together. I wished they'd split up years earlier before the bitterness had set in and the insidious damage was done. I do resent them for it, even all these years later. I didn't have a happy childhood, and they would have known it was because of the way they carried on. I was isolated and scared long before they finally split up.

I was 17/18. Divorce was absolutely horrendous to deal with but the long lasting hurt is from when my dad started a new family soon after. I think I’ve dealt with the divorce but still now struggle to come to terms with my dads other family.

I was young when they split, at first I used to be upset they hadn't stayed together because I didn't really understand. They remained amicable and I enjoyed spending time with both, I thought it was super cool to have 2 Christmas's etc hah. I did find it harder when both remarried, but I was a bit older by then so understood that of course they shouldn't stay alone forever for our sakes!

No, I don't think they should have stayed together, they are people as well as mum and dad, who deserve to be happy and shouldn't struggle along because they feel they should.

I was 20/21 and wish they had done it earlier.

It had been on the cards for a long time, and at one point when I was about 13 I remember them telling us they were separating but it didn't happen. I was very upset at that time because I was very much a daddies girl and the though of him not living with us was terrible.

When it fianlly happened my brother was living away from home and when I left home (last child of 3) my mum didn't want to stay any longer so I always felt a bit guilty. My brother ended up moving back home, then out again when dad met someone else so his relationship with dad took a few turns.

But, after a few years they both found new partners and subsequently remarried and it was lovely to see them both happy. My dad and stepmum have both died now but my mum and stepdad have been together 20 years.

I was 14. DM told. Me about it in the evening and she was gone before I woke up the next morning. I had no idea that it was coming. Poor DF went into deep depression and I was forced to grow up very quickly. It was a smallish town, didn't know any other kids with divorced parents and lost a lot of my friends. It impacted my education and outlook permanently.

I was 25 and I was ecstatic! X

I was 14 and it was like a huge weight had been lifted from my shoulders. My life improved from the moment they split up.

I was 15 and it was hell as my mum had a very public affair in our small town and was an utter bitch to my dad and badmouthed him to anyone who would listen, including me. Hugely traumatic.

It worked out the best for my dad who went on to have a long and happy second marriage. My mum married her affair partner who was an alcoholic shitbag and made her life hell. I was enormously traumatised and unhappy and made very bad decisons (casual sex, drugs, binge drinking etc) until at the age of 23 I met my wonderful wonderful rock of a husband and he has given me the stability I needed for the past 30+ years. Our long and happy marriage and our children's secure, supported adolescence is one of my greatest joys.