Those of you with divorced parents, how did it impact you?

[sc4red]

How old were you when they divorced and do you wish they had stayed together?

I have name changed for this as it is outing.

My DM & DF split when I was 7. DS was 9 and DB was 6 months. DF had been cheating. He left instantly when DM challenged him and went on to marry his mistress and have children with her. Still together now, 40 years on. We lived with DM and DF continued to see us EOW. The other weekend we went to his parents, who we adored. However DM hated him. She still cannot hear his name said, 40 years later. She insults him still, on the rare occasions he is brought up. She made his life hell during the first few years and moved in with a new boyfriend (still her DH 40 years later and overall an amazing man and dad) after 6 months. We were all told to call him dad instantly. She demanded that DF not let us near the OW (his new wife). With them living together this made it hard for him to see us. Within a year she began to make it difficult for DF to have us. Being vile to him and also getting her DH to be aggressive towards him by telling her DH lies about DF. DF eventually gave up and stopped seeing us. He continued to pay maintenance. To be fair he never visited us when we were at his parents, which he could have. His DW was nothing but lovely to us. She and DF never once spoke badly of DM & DStepF. His DW used to ask me how my mum was whenever I saw her. Yet DM still cant hear her name and if you mentioned her you either get "what did that slag want?" or "oh why dont you just go live with her then. shes sooo amazing". After the divorce DM spent the next 40 years spitting vile hatred about him every chance she got. We have constantly been told he didnt want us, he chose his new wife and children over us, he never wanted us etc. If you bring him up she is truly awful and we have heard the stories over and over about all the things and lies he told her while cheating on her. These are stories we heard as young children onwards. we have all privately spoken to DF, since being adults, but he is not part of our lives. Mainly due to the hatred that DM would spew about it. If we see him she ignores us for weeks.

DS was 9 and is most affected. She was told from day 1 that her DF had left, didnt want her and she was to hate him. She is a people pleaser and desperate to be loved. Cannot stand it if someone falls out with her. She cant keep a relationship. She has a fear of marriage and children. She is amazing in her field of work and is constantly looking for praise and to be the best. She can see how vile DM is (not just about DF but everyone) and excuses her behaviour. DS has spent thousands on therapy over the years and knows WHY DM acts like she does but still enables her. She wants to fix things. DM has been horrible to her over the years (including ruining her wedding by flouncing out as she felt she was being ignored) but DS still lives up DMs arse.

DB was not affected by the divorce and words as much as he was 6 months old. He had DStepF as his dad and adores him. Theyre very close so he hasnt missed out. DM attempts the "your dad didnt want you" stuff on him but DB doesnt really care as he doesnt know DF and has a dad already (DStepF). However he never lets anyone get too close. This may just be living with DM though as she is damaging.

Then me. I was 7. I remember it all but Im a bit different. I always chose to do the complete opposite of what DM said (just to annoy her). I believed what she said but I didnt really care. I just remember hating HER every time she said it. Even now. I have a cordial relationship with DF (for my grandparents sake) and I dont really care if he is around or not to be honest. I dont want a relationship with him as hes a stranger and I also dont want my children to. We have a "dad/grandad" already with DStepF. We all prefer him to DM to be honest.

So in short I think divorce is ok, its how its handed afterwards that does the damage. 3 children damaged by his actions and her way of dealing with it. My DF is a nice person (who made a bad choice of how to do things), my DStepM is a lovely person and so is my DStepF. It could have all been avoided if DM hadnt been such a bitch. I do think even if DF had left her THEN began the relationship she would have treated him the same as she does now.

I was 13. I was initially pleased as they were ridiculously ill suited, clearly not happy and didnt provide a particularly happy home for my siblings and I. My biggest fear, which turned out to be true, was then selling our house. I am 36 and to this day still desperately miss my childhood home.

The divorce was a masterclass in how not to do it.

It impacted me in that I knew I had to choose wisely and I know, baring abuse, I will never get divorced. Marriage is for life for me and I took my time choosing the right person to ensure this.

My parents didn't divorce but I was affected (and still am affected) by my dad's prior marriage before he married my mum. I have two older brothers from this marriage who still, more than 40 years on, are consumed with bitterness about it. (My dad left their mum for my mum).

It's an odd situation. I can understand why it must have caused them a great deal of pain but I can't directly empathise with it because it wasn't "my" pain -- my parents remained (more or less) happily married until their deaths and our family was more or less functional so its odd that my father was capable of inflicting so much damage in another marriage.

The more I learn about divorce (and having gone through one myself), the more convinced I am that its not the divorce and separation per se that damages children its a) the way the adults in question conduct themselves and b) the way any subsequent marriages and children are managed.

They divorced when I was in my mid twenties but it had been a discussion point since before I could remember. Very combustible environment to grow up in, a totally transactional relationship and little love or affection shown to each other - which really affected me and my relationships.

I honestly feel like it was the best decision they made and I wish they did it when younger. They left it to late, and subsequently don't really know how to live independently. In turn that's made me feel heavily responsible for their happiness, and my dad ended up going completely off the rails to the point of me going NC.

Good things have come out of it, my relationship with my mum is closer than ever. However it makes me sad that she's resigned herself to a loveless existence now. After four decades in a toxic relationship, she really doesn't understand what a healthy relationship looks like and how rewarding it could be for her. I'd love her to meet someone.

I guess what I'm trying to get across is, if you think it's not going to affect your kids or it's better to stick it out and have a "traditional" family for their benefit. Then think again. It's pure martyrdom on the parents behalf and quite likely projection too.

The best upbringing is with happy parents, whatever form that may take.

Mine divorced when I was 5. They had a reasonable relationship years and years later but he was a douchebag to DM. There was infidelity (including multiple women saying they'd had my DF's children) and he was very violent towards DM during their marriage. I have several memories of us leaving in the middle of the night and staying with friends of DMs for days but he always turned up and she'd take us back home. They divorced because he married a second wife (legal in my home country) and she refused to stay.

We moved to England and he eventually died in my 20's. DM had relationships but was cautious as she had 3 young children. To this day she still says she wishes she had sucked it up and stayed in the marriage. Myself and my siblings have found ourselves in abusive relationships at some point. One of my siblings vowed to never get married and myself and other DS married and divorced. I prayed for my parents to get back together until an embarrassingly old age, mostly because DM prayed (out loud) for the same and seemed so sad about it. Definitely fucked with my head.

I was a baby so no recollection of them ever being an item. Mum met a truly wicked stepfather when I was 2 and I spent my childhood being beaten and bullied by him. Left home at 16.

My parents are polar opposites, no idea why they were ever together in the first place. My Mum isn’t intelligent but has lots of common sense, Dad is the opposite. Mum reads the sun, Dad reads the Guardian. Mum likes ITV, Dad likes the BBC. Catch my drift.

I’m more like my Dad so never had much in common with my Mum, I’ve just never been able to relate to her.

10. Impacted mine and my sibling’s lives negatively in terms of finances, emotional stability, weight, happiness...almost everything.

I do wish they’d stayed together. My mum wished that too but my dad thought the grass was greener. He regrets things now he is in his 70s.

No one was happier for it in the end.

13 and fuck no! I was glad the arguing stopped.

I was 7.

I was better off in someways - The two of them argued a lot and my dad is sexist and controlling and, frankly, not a great influence. But we were badly off money wise and, I think in hindsight, a little neglected because my mum struggled with the responsibility and lack of resources. My brother would also probably have got more from him in terms of interest in sport.

Parents divorced when I was 1.

Never knew any different so didn't impact me at all.

What did impact me was my mum moving in any Tom dick or Harry after 5 minutes and expecting us to be happy for her. Before marrying a complete shitbag who used to feel me up and expose his genitals to me, among other things. She found out. She's still with him

I also left exH when my kids were 3 and 6 and I hoped they'd be barely impacted. Older DC has definitely felt the strain from it but when I weighed up the pros and cons I figured it's better to set an example by leaving an abusive relationship than having some misguided fear that you should "stay for the kids". We are all much happier now

The more I learn about divorce (and having gone through one myself), the more convinced I am that its not the divorce and separation per se that damages children its a) the way the adults in question conduct themselves and b) the way any subsequent marriages and children are managed.

This is totally spot on. I like to think exH and I have navigated the divorce the best way we can. He's very much made it clear he wants minimum contact possible with the DC (he always resented having kids and the "freedom he had to give up" 🙄) but that's fine by me as it meant I could move back to my home town to be with my family seeing as he was only seeing them EOW.

I was four and it had no impact on me at the time. My mum however moved very far away from my dad and I wish she’s stayed closer so we could have had more contact rather than him being forced to take the role of ‘fun holiday dad’

My parents are still together and have been married for over 50 years. But quite frankly their ups and downs are not normal. My father has OCD and just corrects every single thing all the time. You live on egg shells. It is easy for others to say ‘let him just get on with it’ but actually it is constant. Mum cooks a meal, dad has to wash it up before they start. No noise- any clattering of plates and he erupts. He reduces me and the grandchildren to tears - constant constant criticism and we can never earn approval which is given out like breadcrumbs. They will never ever divorce. I chose my husband to be like my father - it didn’t last a year and now I have the bastard in my life forever. Drip drip drip - constant criticism over everything and highly controlling. I am neutral to him but I like living 5 hour drive from him was the best thing.

I really don’t think you can ever compare divorce to say why you would stay or not. After a year with my husband who gaslit me, took our money controlled finances, abused me daily until I shook with fear on a daily basis - I would be dead by now - that’s not being dramatic but I was suicidal as he told me a dead mother would be better for the kids etc and easier all around for finances etc. Thank god I didn’t. A hard depressing life I have with him tucked in the corner but I can protect my kids as best I can. Life isn’t perfect - it’s pretty crap but we are happy most of the time - ex with firm boundaries and ignoring my father for the most part and actively teaching them to make better choices and why.

I was about 6. Looking back, especially now I’ve got my own kids, I wish I’d had my parents together and them have a good relationship in my childhood, that would have been the ideal. Actually, that’s also true as a grown, things would be a lot simpler now if that was true. But I know that they didn’t have a good relationship and therefore if they had stayed together, it would have been worse. I also wish they could have handled the divorce situation better and got over themselves for our sake.

I was about 6.
I don’t t remember any rows or anything, dad just didn’t come home one night and that was it.
I suppose it impacted me in two ways. Firstly, this new woman in my life was horrible to me and I had no idea why. She was nice to me when dad was there, and not when he wasn’t, and I didn’t understand her behaviour so said nothing to anyone. It was confusing and put unpleasantness in my life that wasn’t there before.
Secondly, we were poor but I didn’t feel poor as a kid. We had absolutely no heating in the house. Nothing. Dad was living in a centrally heated house with his new family and we were scraping ice off the inside of the window to see out. I didn’t know at the time but my clothes were second hand, I suddenly had a voucher for my free school dinners and I couldn’t go on school trips.
It’s only as an adult that I see how poor we became. And how my mum didn’t deserve that.

I was 14. I'll never forget the day it happened. The police turned up, I was crying in the bath. It completely and utterly destroyed my family and have at some point been NC with each member due to how the events unfolded. I haven't seen my father for almost 10 years, and my sister moved as far away as possible pretty much immediately. My parents didn't seem to argue before they divorced, they just didn't show much to each other at all, so I wish they had just stayed together for another 5/6 years until I was at uni. I think it was extremely selfish of them to do it whilst studying for our exams and at such a fragile time of life.

I wish they had just stayed together for another 5/6 years until I was at uni. I think it was extremely selfish of them to do it whilst studying for our exams

That’s quite a very hypocritical way of thinking: You feel you can be selfish and have them stay together to just to fit with your wishes... but you think they’re selfish for following their wishes and splitting up?

Also @reservoircats their split sounds incredibly impactful and dramatic. Most divorce announcements don’t include the police and a prologued period of going NC with every single family member! I’m sorry it was such an awful time. If it had unfolded differently I’m sure you’d be able to see things from their point of view.

@SatsumasOrClementines I know it is a very selfish and immature point of view but I say it not knowing how bad things actually were as I was never told the reasons for the divorce. For all I know they could have been making eachother entirely miserable, suicidal etc etc and I would be wrong to say I wish they had waited. My sister and I never knew what went on behind the scenes as neither parent ever gave us an explanation, they just individually turned us against the other parent in every way possible as it was so messy. My parents had no consideration for their children and their well-being throughout the process, their priorities were about destroying one another. I'll never know the reasons why now anyway so it's neither here nor there. I just promised myself I would never put my own children through that and if I ever had to divorce, I would put them first in every possible way.

Around 16, and I was so glad. They lived together for years because my dad refused to leave, fought constantly and made it clear they despised each other. They started threatening to break up when I was about 7, I would cry at first, then I soon realised it was a recurring thing that never actually happened.
My mum later told me their relationship was over before I was even born, it was absolutely horrendous and damaging what they did, and I wish they'd gone their separate ways sooner.
Both were abusive though, I was happiest when I moved out and went NC with dad, LC with mum.

11 and oh my God no! I remember the first time we met up all of us (they were trying for amicable). 30 years later I can still remember the feeling of relief that I only had to see them together for a short time.

Like others have said, most of the impact was around how they behaved to each other afterwards. They tried but honestly several years of "staying together for the children" moved them from not loving each other to despising each other and that slipped out.

On the other hand, I wish my in laws hadn't split up (though he was unfaithful and wouldn't stop so she had very little choice). They still love each other and the financial impact of divorcing during the 80s property crash is something neither of them recovered from.

Mine split up when I was three so I don't remember them being together. It's never affected me or been an issue.

I'm glad they split up as they are such different people, it would have been a very unhappy home. I honestly struggle to imagine how they got together in the first place.

I was 13, came home after my second week at high school and my mum had gone. Found out later she was having an affair and dad found out. No one had any idea they were anything other than perfectly happy, we had just moved into an amazing house. The next few years were beyond shit.

It had the most devastating affect on me, I messed up my education, made some stupid decisions and had an awful few years. Dad has passed away now and mum an I have a relationship of sorts but we have never spoken about it and I can never forgive her. It has also had a massive impact on my relationship with DH and how I have raised my girls.

@SatsumasOrClementines

I wish they had just stayed together for another 5/6 years until I was at uni. I think it was extremely selfish of them to do it whilst studying for our exams

That’s quite a very hypocritical way of thinking: You feel you can be selfish and have them stay together to just to fit with your wishes... but you think they’re selfish for following their wishes and splitting up?

Also @reservoircats their split sounds incredibly impactful and dramatic. Most divorce announcements don’t include the police and a prologued period of going NC with every single family member! I’m sorry it was such an awful time. If it had unfolded differently I’m sure you’d be able to see things from their point of view.

Parents have a duty to their kids that kids don't have towards their parents. There's nothing at all hypocritical about thinking parents are obliged in ways that children are not.