Those of you with divorced parents, how did it impact you?

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How old were you when they divorced and do you wish they had stayed together?

My parents divorced too late they stayed together until my youngest sibling was 15 & I was then 21.
It was awful my sibling felt very isolated and alone as both me and my sister had already moved out.
They had also pretty much been living separate lives which meant my youngest spent an awful lot of time alone. My sibling wanted to move in with Dad - my mum was the higher earner and refused to pay maintenance which impacted my Dad as he earned less. My mum wanted 50/50 but my sibling refused outright to even stay with my Mum.
It was messy and bitter and some 25 years later the mess is still there - weddings have been awkward, family events very uncomfortable.

I wish they’d done it earlier their marriage was so up and down. The arguments, frustrations and obvious affairs they both had. Which lead to bitterness :( maybe just maybe if they divorced a lot earlier they wouldn’t have been so awful. Ironically my Dad said he stayed as my Mum always threatened to never let him see us again if he left when we where very young. My Dad stayed supported my Mum in her education and then career he stayed in a low paying job to support the family. He stupidly signed the divorce papers without a decent financial settlement - my Mum has a very good pension he never did pay into one when they where married as they couldn’t afford to. Which has lead to further bitterness.

Adults sometimes make stupid/selfish decisions and the children live with the consequence.

Well, I was 7, I don't have many memories of when they were happily married, living under the same roof. I had seen my dad over the years, he had many relationships with over women, one which he had two more children with and I really did love the woman. As an adult we have drifted apart and he has now moved miles away with his new wife.

No I do not wish they stayed together, he was violent and abusive to my mum and I am glad they got divorced.

My mother left when I was 13 but she'd mentally left a good 18-24m previously. It was awful, destroyed dad and blew us all apart. My sister and I didn't speak to her for years. I'm mid 40s now and non of us have ever completely got over it.

Why are you asking Op?

I was 20. My teen years were an awful nightmare of listening to their arguments. Wish they'd done it 10 years earlier. My mother was so sad when he died though.

I was older. 17 when they initially separated, it took a few years for divorce to be finalized.

I wish they had done it sooner. The divorce itself didn't really impact me at all (besides finding graduations/weddings etc all a bit awkward) but growing up with a dad who was not very nice to my mother definitely had an impact. The weight of it never really hit me until I had my own DC and I grapple with the dark side of me that I clearly picked up through what was modeled to me as a child. I have also struggled with my perception of my mother since having my own DC - she REALLY should have got us out of that environment sooner.

Only wished they had stayed together as then no moving between houses, finances would have been better, there would have been more stability and no new partners or extra children.

I was very young. I don’t have any memories of them being together.

But I remember being incredibly proud of my mum for leaving my dad and building a new life for us all. We were much poorer because of it but my mum literally picked up tools and fixed us up a home and we felt safe and we felt happy.

One specific time when I was still very young at a friend’s house their mum said we had to wait for their dad to get home to fix a bike. I was only young and I remember thinking what a shame it was that other people’s mums couldn’t do everything like mine could and feeing sorry for my friend.

And as an adult I realise what huge sacrifices she made to divorce him. It can’t have been an easy decision but I’m so glad she found the strength to do it.

I was around 15/16 and for me, I think spending years living with fighting parents impacted me way more than the divorce itself. When they finally got divorced I was relieved as it meant I didn’t have to stay up at night any more because I was scared one of them would murder the other and I needed to be awake to stop it.

I also had a very similar experience to other posters as after they divorced I was made to feel guilty every time I went to see my dad.

My first serious relationship was unhealthy and I think I developed an unhealthy habit of letting stuff slide in relationships and being a push over because I had no real understanding of what is appropriate in a relationship.

I’m very lucky that my current partner is very loving and caring. In fact, when I first met his parents I found it weird at first because I didn’t really know what it was like to see parents who had a healthy relationship with each other.

I am settled now and I get on with my parents but I feel ashamed that I also feel some resentment towards them for how they behaved and the things my sister and I had to witness , it really upsets me.

I was 10, it was very acrimonious, bit haha parents did things that made it all much harder for me and my sibling. I think it made me a very insular and unemotional person. I never really ask for help or emotional support from anyone - not even my partner - as I learnt that emotion was wasted and made no difference. I feel like a lesser person because if it all. IF you’re going to divorce look up advice on how to do it well, so that the kids aren’t forever screwed up.

My 'parents' were a car crash that should never have happened and has had a deep lasting effect on all of us. My DM got pregnant at 13, got a special licence to marry my DF who was two years older. Got pregnant again four months after giving birth so had two children by the age of 15. So we basically had children as parents who behaved like children most of the time. Just to ensure we were mired in poverty, they decided to have another child when she was 20. The marriage was unhappy and mutually violent, my DM constantly looking for an out with numerous boyfriends. Husband number one was expelled when my DS was 14. DM went to work and disappeared on holiday with husband to be number two. Washed her hands of being a 'parent'. Split the family in half, it has never recovered. DS ended up adopted by DF's second wife.

DMs second husband expelled in similar fashion. All three of us children have ended up in codependent unhappy marriages. Escaped mine ten years ago, lots of therapy, couldn't be happier but NC with whole family as a consequence for the sake of my sanity. DBrother codependent to alcoholic nightmare SIL. DSister codependent to work shy husband, mired in debt.

All in all a big mess that has been passed down the family generation by generation. However, I remain an optimist and have a happy relationship with my partner.

I was 8 and it was such a relief. I wished they’d done it sooner. I remember the day my mum told me and I was thrilled to get a new bedroom and just felt so excited about the prospect of us having our own house and not needing to walk around on egg shells.

It was only a positive thing for me. My dad was a mean abusive jerk. My mum had her own issues (we are sadly NC now, due to completely unrelated reasons). I can see how much it would have made a difference to my life to have two functional loving parents, regardless of whether they’d stayed together. But I’m really grateful they got divorced. It meant a much better life for me.

I was 7 when they separated
15 when the decree absolute came through. 8 long years of my dad dragging his feet.

I'm glad they didn't stay together. He was violent and abusive. Cheated on my mum in a rather humiliating way. Barely there. Prioritised his hobby over his family. Had some rather antiquated ideas on what a woman's role was in the home.

I was incredibly upset at the time and it really hurt that I couldn't see my Daddy every day. I was heartbroken. But he continued to break my heart over the years when he failed to step up to the plate.

I can't imagine the damage he would have incurred if I'd grown up with him though.

I was 11. The divorce itself wasn't too bad, my dad had quite bad anger issues towards us and he clearly wasn't cut out to parent young children/teens. The first year was great as my Mum found a new sense of independence, I really looked up to her that first year. She was so proud of herself for things like putting furniture together and all the odd jobs that she previously saw as 'mens jobs'. The holiday we had that year with her was amazing.
The problem was that once they started dating again, both parents invested everything into thier roles as partner and step parent. They both checked out of parenting apart from the very basics. My mother in particular had a string of boyfriends that were introduced to us too soon. One was abusive and my mother still swears that she never saw him hit me, otherwise she would have thrown him out Every request I made was meet with 'it's your Mum's turn' or 'it's your dad's turn' including things I needed for school like food tech ingredients and shoes. Uni was particularly hard as neither parent wanted me home in the holidays, usually my mum would reluctantly give in but only if my dad came to pick me up.

I don't know why I haven't gone NC with them tbh. I kind of feel sorry for my DM in that she is just so totally dependent on having a man in her life that she will pretty much overlook anything. She is a much better parent now that we are adults and calls often, but we arent massively close.

@y0rkier0se what happened when you discovered the infidelity? ExH left when DC were babies to be with his girlfriend and I’ve always told them factually that mummy and daddy were married but daddy had a girlfriend which isn’t allowed so we had to stop being married- mainly because I don’t want there being a ‘big reveal’ when they’re older, particularly if he’s still with her.

My parents divorced when I was about six. My dad traveled for a living so wasn't around much before then, so in that sense it didn't seem a big change. As far as staying together - I guess it would have been nice if they could, but there were substance abuse and mental health issues and they kind of reached the end of the line.

Both tried to be good parents nonetheless, and my mother remarried and that was a good stable relationship.

As for effect - yes. Having a step dad, even a good stable one who largely supported me was stressful at times - not the same as a parent. There was a sense at time of being a bit of an outsider in someone else's home, dependent on someone who did not belong to you entirely. I was very hesitant to ask for things like money, even for school. I felt like I was asking a big favour. At my fathers home, on the other hand, because I was there less often and in some cases I had no room of my own, it never felt like I was at home there, I was a visitor.

So a real sense of displacement though as I child I couldn't really name that.

My brother struggled with it more, particularly when my half-brother was born some years later. He never remembered living with our father but was able to see that my step father felt himself to be a father in a way that he didn't with us. I was old enough to understand that was pretty natural, but he was not, and it affected his teen years a lot IMO. (Not that my step-father made an issue of this but you didn't have to be all that perceptive to see it.)

There was also friction between the extended families, and my my parents, even though they tried to hide it, that was a real stressor for me.

Op, your baby son is not going to thank you for forcing him to grow up in an abusive home because some random people on the internet in entirely different circumstances did or did not wish their parents stayed together.

A better opening question given your threads today would have been "if you grew up in an abusive home, do you wish your mum had left your abusive father?" .

So a real sense of displacement though as I child I couldn't really name that.

Yes I totally understand that feeling of not being completely at home. It's very unnerving for a child and going through puberty with an unrelated male in the house was difficult.

11. It affected me badly only because my parents didn’t handle it well. My mother was sad and bitter and taught me a) ‘all men are bastards’ and b) to eat your feelings. My dad moved to another country and I barely saw him for the next 8 years. I felt responsible for my mum’s happiness for a lot of my teenage years. For the longest time I blamed my dad, and it wasn’t until my 30s that I realised how badly my mum dealt with the whole thing (although to be fair my dad did treat her awfully - multiple affairs, etc)

It all worked out ok in the end (I reconciled with my dad and we get on fine now. My mother eventually went on to have a new relationship but not until long after I’d left home). Once I realised that if was their shit, not mine, to deal with I got much happier. But, still had to spent a lot of time unpacking it all.

But hell no, I do not with they’d stayed together. My dad was a nightmare in so many ways. But I with they’d been more grown-up and dealt with their own shit and not passed it on to me and my brother.

avocadospringseternal oh no, is that why she is asking?

Please don't let these posts put you off OP, it's always better to leave an abusive partner

Having the parents I had is what made the impact. I wish theyd never married, but since they did, I wish theyd divorced about 3 decades earlier (before I was born). Failing that, they werent bad at being divorced, tried not to badmouth each other, and I'm grateful they didn't choose to do it during crucial exam years.

I didn’t realise why the question was being asked but as mentioned in my post I was relieved when my parents divorced after witnessing years of their unhappy relationship. If you are in an abusive relationship please leave! It will be far more damaging for your child to grow up in and abusive environment x

Probably one of the worst things that could have happened to me, I felt alone most of my teenage years because of it. However I still wouldn’t stay in an unhappy/abusive marriage because of it, although I do think the younger the children the better, they adapt better I think

I was 11 when my dad left and about 13 by the time the divorce was finalised. It had a negative impact on me only because we had several years of my dad stalking and harrassing us after he left. However, he was abusive before he left and I never wished that my parents stayed together, in fact I wished they'd split up years before they did.

My experience as a child was one of the primary deciding factors in me deciding to leave my own abusive partner (father of my dd). I think the sooner it is done and over with, the better for the child/ren.

Op almost no one on this thread wanted their parents to stay together, and those in anuaive relationships, none at all. Children learn about relationships by watching those around them.

My parents never divorced. They stayed together "for the sake of the child" (me). I've known they were desperately unhappy since I was 14, and I'm now 50.

They are now trapped in old age together, in a daily round of silence, or bickering and put-downs (from my dad) and martyred resentment (from my mum).

It's not pretty and staying together has ruined their lives much more than divorce would have done, however "not the done thing" it was at the time.