Those of you with divorced parents, how did it impact you?

[sc4red]

How old were you when they divorced and do you wish they had stayed together?

They divorced when I was a baby and I had no problem with them being apart, the only thing I had a problem with was my dad's family wanted me to be disloyal to my mum who I lived with full time, constantly putting her down and making me feel bad for the routine I had there - and making me feel like that half of me was worthless.

Divorce itself I don't think has to be overly traumatic (depending on kids ages of course) but being civil and not forcing the kids to choose sides is essential.

I’m going to go against the grain. My parents divorced when I was 12 and it was the worst thing that could have happened. Neither were happy afterwards, and my dad guilt tripped me into living with him (threatened suicide), my mum couldn’t be bothered to fight for me, and he ended up abusing me. So yeah, as miserable as it was when they were together, it was 1000 times worse when they split up. My mum even told me she thought he’d probably abuse me but she still didn’t do anything about it. I spent years hating them then realised it was a waste of energy. But truthfully it still affects me to this day. I was relieved when my dad died and will feel the same when my mum goes as then it will finally be over.

I think/hope this is an extreme example but if the man is abusive you have to think about what giving him unsupervised access could mean. Doesn’t mean you shouldn’t divorce in that scenario but make sure your kids are protected. Most kids may well be better off with “2 happy parents apart” but only if they are actually going to be happy and put their kids first.

@EggBobbin I’ve never asked for details, & as far as I know my dad doesn’t know that I know, but my mum told me when I was about 19/20 I think. However, he didn’t leave to be with OW which perhaps makes a difference. I think if I’d have known from being younger it might have affected my relationship with my dad, but I didn’t know until I was older, and he’s been nothing but an excellent dad. I think you having being open with your children from day one can’t be a bad thing.
To the OP, I think the common theme here is if you divorce when the children are younger rather than delaying the inevitable, and remain as civil as possible, your children will be significantly better off than if you stay in an unhealthy relationship.

My mum left when I was 7. Hugely acrimonious and years of custody battle. In those days divorce law was different, I was not allowed to see my mother for over a year. At school I was the girl with divorced parents, children and adults can be very cruel. My self esteem can be very low.
On the up side I loved school, have a profession, a long happy marriage and super adult children and grandchildren.

Tbh the actual divorce didn't bother me so much (I was 12) it was how my dad acted after that I can't understand. He was a very hands on dad, a brilliant father infact but the day he left he barely kept in contact. Was lucky if we got a quick visit on our birthdays or Christmas, that was literally it

I was about 3 or 4. I don't think the divorce itself was a problem at all but more so since then the bad parenting and dreadful choices when re-marrying on both sides. (Absolutely not from a 'because it's not my mum/dad' point of view - just generally marrying fucking awful people post-divorce resulting in some siblings going no contact etc etc

Mine didn’t, but they probably should have and life would have been much better for the whole family without the tension. I know that’s not what you asked, but wondered if you’re asking the question because you’re considering staying together “for the sake of the kids”. In my experience, not a great resolution.

I saw a Ted Talk which said studies have shown that on average and not for every child ;

Kids whose parents stay in a happy marriage turn out "better" than kids of divorced parents from memory this was things like criminal records, psychiatric issues etc so quite extreme.
But kids who grew up with parents who stayed together and were unhappy / abusive do the worst of all groups.

It's kind of stating the obvious but I thought it was a good contribution to the question of whether you should stay in an unhappy marriage

And anecdotally my friends who experienced the worse trauma were those whose parents waited until they had left home

My parent's divorce was like War of the Roses and it went on for about ten years as they couldn't agree on anything. They should have divorced about twenty years earlier as their marriage was a disaster but they chose material comfort (big house in an nice area) over our mental health. When they were finally divorced, no one thought to tell me. My mum casually mentioned it a few years later.

My grandparents divorced when I was a child due to infidelity, I know now that my mum found it very hard despite being an adult with her own family.

I divorced when mine were 4&5, my xh and I are now amicable, we actually work together but I have to bite my tongue a lot to remain amicable for the sake of the dc. We argued horribly and one day I realised I didn't want my girls growing up in that environment. They are now 7 and almost 9 and seem well adjusted. We have 50/50 and they are happy going between, although eldest sometimes wants to stay with me but she's hit early puberty and I think it's more that than not wanting to be with her dad

I think staying together for the kids is always the wrong decision, as this thread mainly shows. My dsis left her partner of 10yrs when their baby was 3 months old and has never regretted it, dn knows no different and is a happy, well rounded 7yo.

I was 5. I don't wish they'd stayed together, no. They were very unhappy together. They divorced, then each went on to remarry someone else within a year, and those second marriages have lasted over 40 years.

Being the child of divorced parents isn't ideal, but neither is being the child of unhappily married parents.

My parents split when I was 9. Had it happened earlier, we would all have been spared years of the worst kind of abuse from our violent alcoholic father.

22. I wish they had done it years before and enjoyed their lives a bit more.

OP, do what makes you happy. It is always the best for kids to have happy parents.

I was 13, when Dad left Mum for his 20 year younger OW.

They were the poster parents for how to divorce badly.

I'm still scarred, aged 50. It was horrific.

I was 20 when they finally divorced although I was told it was happening when I was 18/19. It was hell for many years because my DM was horrible. If times had been different I wish they had split earlier but I would have wanted to stay with my DF as he was the only parent.

I'm convinced she didn't ask for a divorce because she wanted to keep her meal ticket before she found the next one. You know, instead of working like the rest of my friends DMs

I was a toddler. Dad had an affair. Both him and OW ditched their children and had 2 more together. They were parents of the year to them which was the thing which damaged the 4 original children the most tbh.

For this reason if DH and I divorced I would never have more children. I’d never want my children to experience first family life.

@Champagneandmonstermunch

I was about 18, still living at home, and I wish they'd done it years earlier, rather than spending years making each other, and us miserable.

Similar to champagne, I was late teens, delighted when they did because they'd been talking about it for years. Finally they both turned into nicer people. Wish they'd done it sooner.

Impacted me quite strongly. I was 10/11. It would have been ok if my mother could have coped with it but she was devastated by being left by my father and never really got over it. My father tried to stay in touch but in those days it was Sunday afternoons at his house only (I never stayed there) and within 3 years he was remarried and having a whole new family.

I don't wish they'd stayed together as my father was very happy with his second wife. There's no denying it was pretty shit for me and my brother though.

I was 7. Hasn't affected me at all. I think it's the best thing my mum ever did, I don't really have much of a relationship with my dad and I don't miss him at all.

My childhood was very happy, I didn't feel like I missed out on anything. I think if parents don't get along or the relationship isn't going well then they should divorce.

Also my mum told me the truth about why they divorced, so there was none of this 'we don't speak badly of each other'. It was just honesty.

Also I actually spoke in court at their divorce proceedings. The judge asked me who I wanted to live with and I said 'my mum' very decisively! I was a very self assured child!

I dont remember my parents splitting as I was too young.

I remember wishing a lot of my childhood that they would get back together. When they started seeing other people I hated it (I wasnt rude or anything, it just made me sad because I wanted my mum and dad to be together)

My siblings are older than me and can remember the marriage. It wasnt great by all accounts, lots of arguments. They probably had different feelings growing up and were probably glad when they split.

As an adult I can see my parents are very different people, both lovely in their own way, but as a married couple? Nah.

@Wannakisstheteacher

I was a toddler. Dad had an affair. Both him and OW ditched their children and had 2 more together. They were parents of the year to them which was the thing which damaged the 4 original children the most tbh.

For this reason if DH and I divorced I would never have more children. I’d never want my children to experience first family life.

This is my feeling exactly. I am glad that my dad left, I think he would have caused us all more damage if he'd stayed. But the feeling of rejection visiting him and his new family every week leaves me with deep scars that I don't know how to recover from.

I was around 13 it affected me badly.
We went from plenty of money to not enough. Brutal. We had to hide from milkman, etc.
Telly and video were repossessed.
The worst thing was the fact that my dad was totally disinterested and rarely turned up for his Sundays. We'd sit waiting in the hall.... Then realise he wasn't coming. Crushing.
As a teen, I attracted the wrong attention from older guys.
As an adult I never feel that secure feeling of a dad who loves me no matter what. Its wrecked my self esteem.
I've mainly chased money and stability not emotional satisfaction.
I have severe trust issues cannot form relationships.

My dad walked out when I was 13, it was massively traumatic. I lost my virginity not long after, slept with many, older unsuitable men basically trying to recreate the love of a father. But at the same it also pushed me to be independent, to get good exam results and to succeed in life as you can never trust or depend on another person. My DH is a good man but I never, ever trust a man 100% and never will.