Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I being incredibly ungrateful.

131 replies

Notsureaboutmuch · 14/02/2021 10:55

I’d arranged a special valentines meal which was delivered yesterday from a local restaurant for us to celebrate Valentine’s Day. When we were in the kitchen prepping, DH stated that he’d completely forgotten about Valentine’s Day, fair enough not worth getting upset by.
However today, he presented me a gift wrapped up using the love heart serviettes from the restaurant and the gift tag from the box and it’s a bloody Easter egg! He tried claiming it was a valentines egg and not an Easter egg. I’d said it was clear he’d bought it for Easter as by his own admission yesterday he’d forgotten it was Valentine’s Day. There was no card which to me adds to my suspicions. I’m more pissed off by him lying to me and trying to backtrack than the gift with zero thought. Aibu to be disappointed by any of it?

OP posts:
TheGoodEnoughWife · 14/02/2021 12:16

@Notsureaboutmuch

“ Or is he trying to now pretend he didn't forget and this is your planned present? And hence gaslighting you that what he said before isn't the way it is? ”

Exactly this.

For those asking. The OPs second post confirms he is denying that he forgot.

As I said before a jokey oops I forgot have this is okay, but to totally deny he forgot despite having told her he had is not okay.

StillCoughingandLaughing · 14/02/2021 12:17

@TheGoodEnoughWife

What is the term then for having a conversation with your husband that the next day he says did not happen?

I thought that was gaslighting but I can see there is a pile on now and there is little point in continuing.

Oh, a ‘pile-on’. The classic MN term for several people agreeing and the OP/PP being pissed off.
BadMotherLover · 14/02/2021 12:18

YABU.

DuzzyFuck · 14/02/2021 12:18

[quote TheGoodEnoughWife]@DuzzyFuck the OPs second post confirms this. [/quote]
Her second post says he was backtracking. It does not say 'he is denying the whole conversation'. And if he is, then what was his response when OP broached the wrapping and tag being pinched from last nights meal?

I spent too many years with an emotionally abusive EXH who enjoyed gaslighting and trying to make me think I'd gone mad. To have the term attached to the slightest misdemeanour is a bit offensive, frankly.

TheGoodEnoughWife · 14/02/2021 12:20

@Fuckingcrustybread
Looked it up thanks. 'Making them question their own memory, perception or judgement'

He is saying the conversation about him forgetting DIDN'T happen? What is that if it is not making her question her own memory where the conversation did in fact happen?

Am I being incredibly ungrateful.
EachBleachBlairTrump · 14/02/2021 12:20

It's not meaningful though is it? OP just bought into what's expected and lined the pockets of a local restaurant (fair play to them, local businesses need everything they can get right now), but this isn't your anniversary, your birthday. It's not a meaningful day in your relationship. You were fine that he hadn't got you a present and actually a meal you cooked together isn't really a present for him either.

We had a takeaway and exchanged cards, DH gave me a lovely thoughtful gift on our wedding anniversary last month, that's the stuff that counts surely not an over commercialised 'holiday' which bears no real significance to your relationship. YABU

MrsExpo · 14/02/2021 12:21

Be grateful he made some effort. Today is our wedding anniversary!! So far DH hasn't even mentioned it, even though his brother (who was best man at our wedding) remembered and has called him to say Happy Anniversary.

Not holding my breath for flowers and champagne later!!! Sad

LindaEllen · 14/02/2021 12:22

Backtracking and lying?
Oh my word. I feel sorry for the poor bloke.

BadMotherLover · 14/02/2021 12:22

If you genuinely believe that this is not a lighthearted attempt at a belated valentines gift and if you genuinely believe that he is trying to gaslight you then you need to LTB. At least one of you will be better off out of this relationship.

mywifi · 14/02/2021 12:22

YABU. He forgot, and TBH Valentines Day is not a big deal as it's only a commercial celebration to make money. He's tried to do something nice and you are pissed off with him, at least he's tried.

InSpaceNooneCanHearYouScream · 14/02/2021 12:23

fuckingcrustybread you've got a bee in your bonnet haven't you? The poster was 'going against the grain' because,unlike the million posters insisting OP was overreacting, she felt that the husband may well be gaslighting OP. I agree actually, because OP has since agreed that actually the husband DIDN'T present the egg jokily, and seems to be denying that they had forgotten about Valentines Day and had this 'present' planned all along. Which is, indeed,lying, and rather worrying behaviour. I don't know what's so hard to understand about that, or why your reply is so pompous and know it all.

bert3400 · 14/02/2021 12:25

If your relationship is great the rest of the year then you really need to have a reality check. Honestly the crap expectation for Valentines day is ridiculous . I've been with DH 23 years...and would not expect anything at all . Eat your easter egg and get over yourself

Ireolu · 14/02/2021 12:27

Erm I got NADA from my DH of 7 years. I didn't forget but his present is still in the post. I don't care. He is a good man every day of the year and I would rather that than any gestures on one particular day.

User17930472 · 14/02/2021 12:27

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

minipie · 14/02/2021 12:28

All depends on the conversation

OP: “you said yesterday you’d forgotten, so you’ve just wrapped that up last minute right?”
DH: “ermm.... yes sorry, best I could do!”

This is fine

OP: “you said yesterday you’d forgotten, so you’ve just wrapped that up last minute right?”
DH : “No I didn’t forget, I planned this, this is a Valentine’s egg, I never said I forgot”

This is lying and backtracking and not ok in my book.

Yes it’s better than no effort, but I prefer truth and not being treated like I’m an idiot thanks.

MissMarpleDarling · 14/02/2021 12:31

I didn't receive anything but would be happy with an easter egg. I'd be pissed off at him lieing though.

InSpaceNooneCanHearYouScream · 14/02/2021 12:32

@minipie

All depends on the conversation

OP: “you said yesterday you’d forgotten, so you’ve just wrapped that up last minute right?”
DH: “ermm.... yes sorry, best I could do!”

This is fine

OP: “you said yesterday you’d forgotten, so you’ve just wrapped that up last minute right?”
DH : “No I didn’t forget, I planned this, this is a Valentine’s egg, I never said I forgot”

This is lying and backtracking and not ok in my book.

Yes it’s better than no effort, but I prefer truth and not being treated like I’m an idiot thanks.

This
TorringtonDean · 14/02/2021 12:32

I wonder what the OW got?

MilkTwoSugarsThanks · 14/02/2021 12:34

@TheGoodEnoughWife

What is the term then for having a conversation with your husband that the next day he says did not happen?

I thought that was gaslighting but I can see there is a pile on now and there is little point in continuing.

Gaslighting is serious mental abuse where one person convinces the other that they are (largely) losing their mind.

Don't trivialise it.

Playnoh · 14/02/2021 12:39

I would take it as him joking. Lighten up.

StillCoughingandLaughing · 14/02/2021 12:43

[quote TheGoodEnoughWife]@Fuckingcrustybread
Looked it up thanks. 'Making them question their own memory, perception or judgement'

He is saying the conversation about him forgetting DIDN'T happen? What is that if it is not making her question her own memory where the conversation did in fact happen? [/quote]
Can we go back to that post where you said there was little point in continuing? I liked that one.

ChippyChickenChips · 14/02/2021 13:26

Nowhere in the OP does it say that he denied yesterday's conversation. That's a scenario that's been invented somewhere upthread

And then picked up and run with. It would have been the main issue otherwise.

Okokokbear · 14/02/2021 13:30

I think it's quite funny. But it depends how it's delivered. If he's just being daft laugh at it. If he's trying to gaslight you into thinking he didn't forget not ok.

Cotswolds10 · 14/02/2021 13:55

@Notsureaboutmuch Can you clear up for us exactly how he pretended he hadn’t forgotten because it’s causing confusion.

Did he:
a) tell you that yesterday’s conversation didn’t happen and is all in your head
b) tell you that it was a ruse to make you think he’d forgotten because he wanted to surprise you
c) you just haven’t challenged him directly about it yet?

StillCoughingandLaughing · 14/02/2021 14:03

Or d) He’d had a few glasses of wine and has forgotten to admitting he forgot?