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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I being incredibly ungrateful.

131 replies

Notsureaboutmuch · 14/02/2021 10:55

I’d arranged a special valentines meal which was delivered yesterday from a local restaurant for us to celebrate Valentine’s Day. When we were in the kitchen prepping, DH stated that he’d completely forgotten about Valentine’s Day, fair enough not worth getting upset by.
However today, he presented me a gift wrapped up using the love heart serviettes from the restaurant and the gift tag from the box and it’s a bloody Easter egg! He tried claiming it was a valentines egg and not an Easter egg. I’d said it was clear he’d bought it for Easter as by his own admission yesterday he’d forgotten it was Valentine’s Day. There was no card which to me adds to my suspicions. I’m more pissed off by him lying to me and trying to backtrack than the gift with zero thought. Aibu to be disappointed by any of it?

OP posts:
ilikebooksandplants · 14/02/2021 11:55

@TheGoodEnoughWife this isn’t gaslighting and it’s pretty offensive to use the term for nonsense such as this.

The consensus on here is pretty clear. Most of us would find it funny if this happened to us.

Her husband might be a right wanker, we don’t know that - but out of context, this behaviour isn’t abusive and isn’t gaslighting. It IS funny though.

Cloudsurfing · 14/02/2021 11:56

@TheGoodEnoughWife

It is the OPs fault she is being gaslighted? Okay then.
But if an overreaction. It’s not gaslighting, abuse or anything else. It’s just a Valentine’s Day gift that the op made a huge fuss over because he forgot and he whipped up a present from what he had. It’s fine, not a big deal.
gamerchick · 14/02/2021 11:56

On its own it would make me laugh, but we don't buy into valantines day because we try to make most days caring about each other. Daft little things to show we're thinking if each other type of stuff.

If it's upset you then is it a sign of a wider issue if him being inconsiderate?

LittleBoPeep95 · 14/02/2021 11:56

YABU. He's pulled something out of his arse last minute to try and surprise you. He could have easily said fuck it and not bothered. I think it's really sweet

Lemonlady22 · 14/02/2021 11:56

I got an egg mcmuffin in bed this morning, I was well chuffed.!

MilkTwoSugarsThanks · 14/02/2021 11:58

Backtracking, lying and now gaslighting???

You need to calm the fuck down. Seriously.

TheGoodEnoughWife · 14/02/2021 11:58

What is the term then for having a conversation with your husband that the next day he says did not happen?

I thought that was gaslighting but I can see there is a pile on now and there is little point in continuing.

TinyCake · 14/02/2021 12:00

@Notsureaboutmuch

“ Or is he trying to now pretend he didn't forget and this is your planned present? And hence gaslighting you that what he said before isn't the way it is? ”

Exactly this.

Oh.. that's a bit weird then.
Faith50 · 14/02/2021 12:02

Enjoy the gift he did buy you. He is inventive - I give him that!

I am not bothered about Valentine's Day and find it rather cheesy. As a teenager i felt crap when friends received cards from admirers and I never did but that was 30 years ago.

It is one day - there are another 364 days in which we can show love and sweet gestures to one another.

BlueSuffragette · 14/02/2021 12:02

OP you are far too precious about this. He forgot, he tried to make amends. Maybe he won't bother at all next year as you are far too uptight about it.

TinyCake · 14/02/2021 12:02

@TheGoodEnoughWife

'Oops, I forgot, erm, wrapped this up, ha ha ha' - OKAY

'What do you mean I forgot? No I didn't, here is your present, that conversation yesterday when I said I forgot? Yeah that didn't happen, silly you' - NOT OKAY.

Yeah sorry OP - I thought it was the first of these.
Titterofwit · 14/02/2021 12:03

This is probably the silliest AIBU Ive seen and Ive been here years and years.
For heavens sake how hard work are you?
Im all for looking for red flags at any stage in a relationship but calling gaslighting over something done as a joke is not on.
Unless this is symtomatic of your relationship as a whole I would send my first LTB. Thats to your DH who clearly needs to be with someone with a sense of humour .

MaliceOrgan · 14/02/2021 12:07

Is he 'backtracking' because you are making such a massive deal over it and he feels defensive or did he present it to you as a serious and considered present?

Is he generally good at romantic gestures?

Not sure I would spend any time getting offended by this, life is too short and Valentine's day is a pointless waste of money and effort. But I guess it depends what he's like for the other 364 days of the year.

You didn't go to massive effort yourself, you ordered a meal. I ordered a meal on Friday, it really wasn't that difficult.

feistymumma · 14/02/2021 12:08

YABU

pinkyredrose · 14/02/2021 12:09

Oh ffs with everything going on you're pissed off about this?! I think 'valentines egg' is quite ingenious! Valentines Day is a load of commercial crap anyway.

DuzzyFuck · 14/02/2021 12:09

Nowhere in the OP does it say that he denied yesterday's conversation. That's a scenario that's been invented somewhere upthread Hmm

TheGoodEnoughWife · 14/02/2021 12:10

@DuzzyFuck the OPs second post confirms this.

Beechview · 14/02/2021 12:11

You seem to be upset that he did forget and what he did was not good enough.
It’s not bad that you feel that way. Many people claim to not care about Valentine’s Day and in reality, even a token gift that was thought of would have been really appreciated, even if it was a bar of chocolate.
This probably just feels like a mockery.

DottyFlossie · 14/02/2021 12:12

YABU and OTT.

CaptSkippy · 14/02/2021 12:12

YANBU.

You are thoughtful and arranged something special to celebrate this day with him and he not only forgor about, which shows he does not care, but then lies and pretends he got you something which he likely already had in the house. How thoughless and inconsiderate of him.

You do not have to accept crumbs of affection in your relationship and I can't believe many of the reactions you are getting here amount to "well, at least he got you something." You are shwoing him a lot of love and he should be kissing the ground you walk on, not taking you for granted like this.

Has he ever done anything like this before?

Meowchickameowmeow · 14/02/2021 12:14

@TheGoodEnoughWife

If my husband denied a conversation between us had actually happened I would feel gaslighted but don't worry about that. The OP should just put up and shut up clearly.
But where does it say he did that?
TinyCake · 14/02/2021 12:14

I think OP would have had a different response id she'd made clear in the first post that he'd said he'd forgotten and then pretended he hadn't the next day with an easter egg.

MissyB1 · 14/02/2021 12:15

You’ve got a chocolate egg OP!! Yum yum eat it and stop being a drama queen!

Fuckingcrustybread · 14/02/2021 12:16

@TheGoodEnoughWife

Going against the grain. Has it been done in a jokey way? Or is he trying to now pretend he didn't forget and this is your planned present? And hence gaslighting you that what he said before isn't the way it is?

I don't get how it is 'sweet'. To be honest, although on MN we should not celebrate any special day once you are an adult, it isn't much to ask to make an effort and get a card for your significant other.

I don't get how he can forget to do something and then because he now makes a tiny bit of effort it is all okay?

It may be a silly made up day but it is okay to want to join in with made up days. They just add a little light to the drudgery we are all facing.

Look up the meaning of "going against the grain" it doesn't mean what you think it means. Also while you are there look up the meaning of the word "gaslighting" and please don't ever use it in such a trivial way again. OP, he tried, messed it up slightly but you've got to love a trier.
Meowchickameowmeow · 14/02/2021 12:16

It's pretty clear you should leave the fucking bastard.