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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Should I tell my daughter's dad why she wanted to leave his house early?

78 replies

berrybonbon · 13/02/2021 22:25

Long time lurker, first time post. For the first time in 2 years my Dd 11, had arranged to stay over at her dad's for the weekend so she could spend more time with half siblings and him, she normally goes one day every other weekend (her choice, as doesn't get on with step mum) she was very excited as she was dropped off this morning. This afternoon she messaged me to say she was unsure about staying over, so I called her to talk ( she refuses to talk to her dad about it as she's scared), to reassure her, I asked to speak to her dad to let him know what was going on, all very polite, explained she was worried as hadn't stayed over there for a while but she could come home if she wanted. Left it up to her, later this evening she came home, floods of tears as she came in as she had heard her dad and step mum bad mouthing me after the call and dad saying that I swore at him. This did not happen, both me and Dp were shocked as he was with me when I was on the phone to daughter's dad. Daughter's dad has a history of lying, he cheated on me with his now current wife and to justify this he told mutual friends and his family I was violent to him. Again this was not true and he is now estranged from his family and many mutual friends because they saw through the lies. So I suppose my aibu is do I tell him she wanted to come home because she heard him bad mouthing me again or not. She has also said she doesn't want to go around again.

OP posts:

NailsNeedDoing · 13/02/2021 22:27

Tell him if he asks.

Stormwhale · 13/02/2021 22:31

I think I would have to say something because it isnt right for a child to feel stuck in the middle of a war zone. I would ask him to please be careful about what he says around dd as she was v upset by it.

Original poster

berrybonbon · 13/02/2021 22:33

I was debating that as he twists everything, it took a long time to ignore his lies, I just feel for my daughter.

OP posts:

MissMarpleDarling · 13/02/2021 22:33

Tell him.

Original poster

berrybonbon · 13/02/2021 22:35

@Stormwhale

It's so hard as I make such an effort not I say anything negative about her dad, even though it's getting harder, tonight I really had to bite my tongue.

OP posts:

PegasusReturns · 13/02/2021 22:39

Tell him

Sorry he’s so awful

Lifeohlife88 · 13/02/2021 22:45

Tell him.

Original poster

berrybonbon · 13/02/2021 22:58

Ok, so how do I do this in a way that's going to cause me and Dd the least amount of stress. He has a habit of twisting and denying things. I don't want him accusing Dd of lying and upsetting her further. Shall I be blunt or more round about? What I really want to say will just cause me a lot of stress, I learnt a long time ago, and the hard way, the best thing was to just ignore him, but his behaviour is now impacting on Dd.

OP posts:

Caramelsmadfuzzytail · 13/02/2021 23:00

I told my son, when he was 11, that his sperm donor was violent towards him when he was 3. I explained what had happened and why.
Social services were not happy with me. They insisted on hounding him to have a relationship with his sperm donor, until he told them that, he would only see his sperm donor if he was behind bars.
At 11 I believe they are old enough to understand. So I would tell her sperm donor and reassure her that she doesn't have to deal with it.

passtheorange · 13/02/2021 23:05

You let your dd know that she is old enough to decide for herself whether she wants to see her dad or not, and make sure she understands that you will support whatever decision she makes.

hannayeah · 13/02/2021 23:14

Think it through first.

What would be the purpose? Would telling him serve that purpose?

Since he’s dishonest I think it would be unlikely to have a good result. I’d worry he would turn on her, and it’s better for him to be badmouthing you than to be attacking her.

PressToChange · 13/02/2021 23:16

I’m currently trying to get divorced from a really nasty person. He tells lies to my children all the time. I would say concentrate on you and your daughter and it’s so good that she could tell you what happened. What will it achieve telling him what your dd heard? More ammunition to twist? A row which your daughter gets dragged into?
At 11 she will know what is right snd wrong, will have good values. Perhaps concentrate on reassuring her she did the right thing by telling you and then just keep it low key so that if something happens again, she’ll tell you, rather than associate it with a big blow up.

StoneofDestiny · 13/02/2021 23:16

As passtheorange says - her unwillingness to go there again will say it all anyway.

Jenasaurus · 13/02/2021 23:19

@hannayeah

Think it through first.

What would be the purpose? Would telling him serve that purpose?

Since he’s dishonest I think it would be unlikely to have a good result. I’d worry he would turn on her, and it’s better for him to be badmouthing you than to be attacking her.

I am guessing the purpose would be to explain when he asks why his DD refuses to see him the next time she is due to visit the reason why.

Original poster

berrybonbon · 13/02/2021 23:20

@hannayeah

Think it through first.

What would be the purpose? Would telling him serve that purpose?

Since he’s dishonest I think it would be unlikely to have a good result. I’d worry he would turn on her, and it’s better for him to be badmouthing you than to be attacking her.

That's what I'm worried about, he's done it before to her. It's partly why she won't talk to him about her feelings or worries.

OP posts:

DisposableGoon · 13/02/2021 23:21

My 12 Yr old dd doesn't want to go to her dads for similar reasons. She can't tell him why because he twists and turns and manipulates and guilt trips. So I just say 'she doesn't want to' and leave it at that. She knows I've got her back. She doesn't have to justify herself to him.

Viviennemary · 13/02/2021 23:22

How do you even know what your DD said is true. I'd be a bit annoyed in their shoes with all this drama. She is 11 not three.

Original poster

berrybonbon · 13/02/2021 23:25

@PressToChange

I’m currently trying to get divorced from a really nasty person. He tells lies to my children all the time. I would say concentrate on you and your daughter and it’s so good that she could tell you what happened. What will it achieve telling him what your dd heard? More ammunition to twist? A row which your daughter gets dragged into? At 11 she will know what is right snd wrong, will have good values. Perhaps concentrate on reassuring her she did the right thing by telling you and then just keep it low key so that if something happens again, she’ll tell you, rather than associate it with a big blow up.

It's so hard when they tell such lies and so frustrating, it's what led to his lies escalating, the more I stood up to him the worse the lies got.

It is lovely having her feel she can talk to me, she's very open and she's certainly learnt over the past year more about her dads attitude and behaviorbfirst hand. It's heartbreaking when she's in floods of tears wishing that Dp was her real dad, but at least she has him, he's certainly been more of a dad than her bio dad.

OP posts:

Original poster

berrybonbon · 13/02/2021 23:27

@Viviennemary

How do you even know what your DD said is true. I'd be a bit annoyed in their shoes with all this drama. She is 11 not three.

What if it is true? I'm annoyed that his drama has impacted on my daughter. He's a grown man not a child so should act accordingly.

OP posts:

RedGoldAndGreene · 13/02/2021 23:29

Questions is- will he care? Or will be deny or even worse, make dd feel bad about grassing him up?

Original poster

berrybonbon · 13/02/2021 23:30

@DisposableGoon

As she's got older, the choice has been hers. I'm sorry to hear your daughter is going through the same thing.

OP posts:

Trisolaris · 13/02/2021 23:30

Can you just tell him that she’s overheard something that upset her and so won’t be coming until further notice? There’s no point in discussing the details with a liar, he will know perfectly well what you are referring to but this way you don’t have to waste energy on it. You can make it clear you are supporting her in her decision without getting into an argument.

Dancingwithdreams · 13/02/2021 23:31

@Viviennemary

How do you even know what your DD said is true. I'd be a bit annoyed in their shoes with all this drama. She is 11 not three.

Oh really

Original poster

berrybonbon · 13/02/2021 23:32

@RedGoldAndGreene

Questions is- will he care? Or will be deny or even worse, make dd feel bad about grassing him up?

That's what I'm really worried about, knowing him it will escalate and cause Dd more harm.

OP posts:

Mylittlesandwich · 13/02/2021 23:32

For me, if (when) my mum was honest with my dad about a similar situation it was hell when I saw him next. Going forward she would just say we didn't want to/couldn't come to see him. It was just easier that way.

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