Page 2 | Should I tell my daughter's dad why she wanted to leave his house early?

berrybonbon · 2021-02-13T22:25:40+00:00

Long time lurker, first time post. For the first time in 2 years my Dd 11, had arranged to stay over at her dad's for the weekend so she could spend more time with half siblings and him, she normally goes one day every other weekend (her choice, as doesn't get on with step mum) she was very excited as she was dropped off this morning. This afternoon she messaged me to say she was unsure about staying over, so I called her to talk ( she refuses to talk to her dad about it as she's scared), to reassure her, I asked to speak to her dad to let him know what was going on, all very polite, explained she was worried as hadn't stayed over there for a while but she could come home if she wanted. Left it up to her, later this evening she came home, floods of tears as she came in as she had heard her dad and step mum bad mouthing me after the call and dad saying that I swore at him. This did not happen, both me and Dp were shocked as he was with me when I was on the phone to daughter's dad. Daughter's dad has a history of lying, he cheated on me with his now current wife and to justify this he told mutual friends and his family I was violent to him. Again this was not true and he is now estranged from his family and many mutual friends because they saw through the lies. So I suppose my aibu is do I tell him she wanted to come home because she heard him bad mouthing me again or not. She has also said she doesn't want to go around again.

Dancingwithdreams · 13/02/2021 23:33

I think I wouldn’t say something because he is unlikely to change his behaviour so you are only potentially putting your DD in the crosshairs.
Ring friends, rant and rave as you have every right to. But keep it calm with your DD.
I’d tell her “you did the right thing, you can always come home. You never have to defend me to your dad. I’m a grown up. I love you” and leave it at that.

AccidentallyOnPurpose · 13/02/2021 23:34

There's no point. It's not like he'll admit it, or apologise or even change his ways.

He'll just lie some more,blame you,blame her.

Just tell him that it obviously didn't work out so arrangements will revert to what they were, if your daughter is ok with going there one day a week.

Praise her for telling you the truth and remind her she has a choice . If she wants to try again in the future,she can. If she doesn't she doesn't have to. Soon enough she can fully cut him out of her life and there's fuck all he can do about it.

Viviennemary · 13/02/2021 23:34

Maybe I misunderstood. But it does sound like she doesn't like going and feels uncomfortable there. So the visit wasn't going to go well from the start. Would I tell him? Not sure. It's probably better she doesn't go for the time being. Say well it just didn't work out she wants to leave it for a while.

Feelingconfused2020 · 13/02/2021 23:37

I would send a matter of fact,very short text or email ( so it's documented) "DD heard you say X and it upset her. That's why she chose to come home" I wouldn't follow it with anything further. I would let him make of that what he will.

The moment you offer opinion or advice he will be on the defensive but facts are facts. He can't argue with those.

Also talk to DD and explain that ex loves her but unfortunately doesn't.always make good decisions and that includes saying mean things about you. Explain that you are happy now and not worried about what he says and make it clear that she never has to stay there if she chooses not to. My parents were divorced around this age and all I wanted was for them (particularly my mum who was alone after an affair) to be happy. Reassure her that you are happy and that you are not affected by what he says. Parents being mean to each other is so horrendous for children. Unfortunately you can't stop him so you need to make clear to dd you are happy in your current life and not worried about his opinions of you.

I would never send her there again until she chooses it. I didn't stay overnight with my dad from age 9 to age 16. Looking back now I see how extreme this was but I was very hurt and angry and I wanted to be with my mum. I now have a good relationship with my dad as an adult but I don't regret wanting to be with my mum after what happened. That's what I wanted and I am actually.proud of myself for that. I saw my dad weekly and live him loads and loads I just wanted to stay overnight at my own home and not in an unfamiliar house with my dad's OW and surely every human being has the right to choose that.

HollowTalk · 13/02/2021 23:38

My daughter was in a situation where she wasn't happy with her dad's behaviour and she wrote him a letter which we delivered the same day. He was on the phone apologising by the time we got home.

I think it's better if it comes from her, though she might struggle with that. She could tell him straight what she objected to, how it made her feel, and that unless he apologises she doesn't want to visit again.

TheyIsMyFamily · 13/02/2021 23:38

Every time you talk to him going forward, you should record the calls from your side. Don't have to tell him you're doing it, but record them. Protect yourself.

I'm sorry this has happened to your DD, but frankly, it's probably good that she sees him for who he is without your 'input'. Let him destroy the relationship he has with her; it will be his own fault.

Woodlandbelle · 13/02/2021 23:39

I agree with saying something was said that upset her. But that you are leaving it up to your daughter to decide. She's old enough. He sounds horrible.

Original poster

berrybonbon · 13/02/2021 23:45

@TheyIsMyFamily

Every time you talk to him going forward, you should record the calls from your side. Don't have to tell him you're doing it, but record them. Protect yourself.

I'm sorry this has happened to your DD, but frankly, it's probably good that she sees him for who he is without your 'input'. Let him destroy the relationship he has with her; it will be his own fault.

In a way it is quite ironic as I've spent 9 years biting my tongue, and over the past two years she's started to realise what he's like and verbalised my thoughts. She's been wanting to go less and less until this week. I really do feel for her as she was so excited, then it ends in tears. I like the recording idea as he twists everything.

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changingmine · 13/02/2021 23:47

I think there is no point in telling him, it doesn't advance the situation.

All he needs to know is that she doesn't want to visit.

Stay focused on what is best for your daughter and what is best for you.

Feelingconfused2020 · 13/02/2021 23:47

I'm sorry this has happened to your DD, but frankly, it's probably good that she sees him for who he is without your 'input'. Let him destroy the relationship he has with her; it will be his own fault the reality is that he won't destroy the relationship.he will just make it complex. Its not realistic to think that we don't love our parents simply because they bad mouth each other.

For the time being I would assume he has some thread of decency and when he knows his DD has heard him say that he would be upset and try to avoid that, maybe even apologise? It's worth a try at least for DDs sake.

changingmine · 13/02/2021 23:49

You could record him for your own sanity but don't be tempted to share the recording with him, it won't end well. Just keep interaction to a minimum and keep listening to your daughter, she is more likely to be open with you if she knows there's no risk of what she says being repeated or used in a conflict.

Original poster

berrybonbon · 13/02/2021 23:50

@HollowTalk

My daughter was in a situation where she wasn't happy with her dad's behaviour and she wrote him a letter which we delivered the same day. He was on the phone apologising by the time we got home.

I think it's better if it comes from her, though she might struggle with that. She could tell him straight what she objected to, how it made her feel, and that unless he apologises she doesn't want to visit again.

I pleased your daughter got an apology, knowing my Dd dad he'll blame her like he blamed me for his cheating.

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WitchesBritchesPumpkinPants · 13/02/2021 23:50

I wouldn't tell him because it sounds like he'll take it out on her if/when he sees her again.

I'd just reassure her that she did the right thing telling you. Tell her you'll support her whatever she chooses to do, and that she's old enough to DS ufe uf/when she wants to visit. Tell her she can always get to know her half siblings when they're all a bit older if she wants to. I'd start being more honest/open about him, I think you damage their trust in their own instincts if you protect the other parent too much.

If it were me I'd say that he's her father, but SD is her Dad love is what counts, not blood.
Does she/could she call him something more like Dad rather than just his name to make her feel that he's not just Fred? Like Papa. It's a role, not just a name.

I hope you all have a nicer day tomorrow

Original poster

berrybonbon · 13/02/2021 23:53

@changingmine

You could record him for your own sanity but don't be tempted to share the recording with him, it won't end well. Just keep interaction to a minimum and keep listening to your daughter, she is more likely to be open with you if she knows there's no risk of what she says being repeated or used in a conflict.

I like that Dd feels safe talking and opening up to me and definitely want to keep it that way. Both of us hate conflict.

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WitchesBritchesPumpkinPants · 13/02/2021 23:54

For the time being I would assume he has some thread of decency and when he knows his DD has heard him say that he would be upset and try to avoid that, maybe even apologise? It's worth a try at least for DDs sake

He blamed the OP for his affair. He told their friends & family that the OP was violent to him...there is no 'thread of decency' within the 'man'.

Original poster

berrybonbon · 13/02/2021 23:56

@WitchesBritchesPumpkinPants

I wouldn't tell him because it sounds like he'll take it out on her if/when he sees her again.

I'd just reassure her that she did the right thing telling you. Tell her you'll support her whatever she chooses to do, and that she's old enough to DS ufe uf/when she wants to visit. Tell her she can always get to know her half siblings when they're all a bit older if she wants to. I'd start being more honest/open about him, I think you damage their trust in their own instincts if you protect the other parent too much.

If it were me I'd say that he's her father, but SD is her Dad love is what counts, not blood.
Does she/could she call him something more like Dad rather than just his name to make her feel that he's not just Fred? Like Papa. It's a role, not just a name.

I hope you all have a nicer day tomorrow

Thank you, she does have a special name for Dp and occasionally calls him dad. We have spoke to her about this that it's not just blood that makes a dad, its how they behave, she just struggles as she loves her dad but doesn't understand or like his behaviour. She's at the age where she questions it and it's hard to know what to say for the best.

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AIMD · 13/02/2021 23:58

Yes I wouldn’t tell him what she heard unless she is happy for you to do that.

I’d just be vague but both at she isn’t happy staying over. Help her maintain her boundaries if they try to guilt or manipulate her into going there.

Maybe it’s be better if she did one to one with her dad infrequently. Eg go watch a film together etc. Rather than go into the home environment with them where it’s more likely they’ll be that type of talk?

Original poster

berrybonbon · 13/02/2021 23:59

@WitchesBritchesPumpkinPants

For the time being I would assume he has some thread of decency and when he knows his DD has heard him say that he would be upset and try to avoid that, maybe even apologise? It's worth a try at least for DDs sake

He blamed the OP for his affair. He told their friends & family that the OP was violent to him...there is no 'thread of decency' within the 'man'.

I lost faith in him completely then, he made me second guess myself even to extent of have a blocked this out. But it was just to make himself look better. It never happened.

OP posts:

Original poster

berrybonbon · 14/02/2021 00:01

@Mylittlesandwich

For me, if (when) my mum was honest with my dad about a similar situation it was hell when I saw him next. Going forward she would just say we didn't want to/couldn't come to see him. It was just easier that way.

I'm sorry you went through this, it's so hard as a parent to know what to do for the best.

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Notcontent · 14/02/2021 00:02

This is such a common thing. My dd, slightly older than yours, has also always been resistant to going to her dad’s house and does not stay the night. My exH doesn’t ever say anything bad about me in front of her, but her step mother has over the years made lots of negative comments, creating a very hostile environment.

Original poster

berrybonbon · 14/02/2021 00:04

@AIMD

Yes I wouldn’t tell him what she heard unless she is happy for you to do that.

I’d just be vague but both at she isn’t happy staying over. Help her maintain her boundaries if they try to guilt or manipulate her into going there.

Maybe it’s be better if she did one to one with her dad infrequently. Eg go watch a film together etc. Rather than go into the home environment with them where it’s more likely they’ll be that type of talk?

She tried this for a few weeks, meeting up for a walk, the problem was he got board so then refused to do it, he also wouldn't let her half siblings join them so she felt sad as she missed them.

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WitchesBritchesPumpkinPants · 14/02/2021 00:08

'Anyone can be a father
It takes someone special to be a Dad'

I'd personally be fine with her calling DP Dad (as long as he is) bio father certainly doesn't deserve the title.

It is so hard snd it breaks you heart watching theirs get broken again & again. It's difficult because they live them & they want to be loved back. There's the complication of knowing his genes are her genes snd not wanting to make her feel crap about that (or rather to accept she'll feel like that if you criticise him) I'd try to stick to his behaviour is awful, rather than 'he' is awful.

I suppose all you can do is say that he does love her, but he hasn't learnt some basic life skills like taking responsibility gor your actions & your behaviour and treating people how you'd want to be treated. But stressing that it's not her job to help him grow up.

It's all a shit show isn't it & so sad for the kids.

But she WILL be ok - she has YOU & DP. she'll probably never understand him, but she will come to terms with it.

Big hugs to you both x

Original poster

berrybonbon · 14/02/2021 00:10

I've just seen the time, it's been a long few hours. Thank you for you messages and words of wisdom I'm going to sleep on it and talk to Dd tomorrow.

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SneezyGonzalez · 14/02/2021 00:22

Personally I wouldn’t engage with him, it’ll only add more fuel to the fire....I’m not sure what to suggest re DD seeing him - it sounds like she’s not that keen now anyway.

Also what an odd thing to do on his part. He has cheated on you, started a new relationship with OW and has kids with her yet he’s still trying to cause beef with you 🤷🏻‍♀️ If I were you I’d stay out of it completely and minimise your contact with him, no more phone calls, just brief text messages or emails. He’s still using you as a scapegoat.

alexdgr8 · 14/02/2021 00:23

there is no need to tell him anything about it.
what good will it do.
don't involve children in parents' disputes and animosity.
she can do as she likes in terms of visiting.
just ignore the episode.
it would just start another slanging match to tell him.
be dignified. keep calm. move on.