No effort on Valentine's?

[wishawish]

I'm fully prepared for some backlash on this.

My DH has never been romantic.

I get a bunch of roses from a supermarket (I buy roses for the house every couple of weeks anyway) and a funny card of some sort.

I'd love a bunch of flowers delivered, knowing that he's made the effort to look through and pick some, doesn't have to be expensive just the thought or even something like a photo in a frame.

All over Instagram and Facebook, pictures of a dining tables set out with starters, mains, deserts planned, love heart balloons, my friend had a delivery of a beautiful red dress and a necklace and was told to put them on and then go to his, she's just text me a picture of candles lit all over his apartment, dining table set up etc.

I'm in my 20s and I just don't really feel special at all, I'm in my pjs, he walked in from work with a 4 pack of beer and sat on sofa.

I guess, it's not just this time of year, he never really does anything nice for me. He's not nasty or abusive or anything he just doesn't really ever think of me I guess, does that make sense?

Sometimes I think about how nice it'd be to get home to a bubble bath run occasionally or anything like that. I'm just a bit miserable really.

We've been together most of our 20s, I always try and do nice things for him, thoughtful or sentimental gifts at Christmas etc. I'll mention something that I would love for Christmas and he says to stop and I never let him "surprise me", this year I got an expensive sofa blanket I don't need and a candle. Am I being a bitch here? Or over sensitive? (Period pains) or are we just lacking passion now in our relationship?

I’ve never bothered with Valentine’s Day and thankfully never dated anyone who has either. I just think it’s a contrived waste of time.

My husband had never been good at valentine's day either. I've ordered myself a small bunch of roses and chocolates, in tomorrow's grocery shop! Just buy what you want as it comes out of the shared pot anyway, and it's better than nothing!

Valentine's Day is a celebration exaggerated by shops to make money, we don't bother at all with it here, so I can't offer any meaningful advice on that side of things. But I would say, don't measure yourself against social media, people's social media lives are fake, purely there for likes, it's not real.
Your friend's boyfriend made such an effort to create a special night? Yet she's distracted taking photos and sending messages to you instead of enjoying it with him.
Your boyfriend buys you supermarket flowers but you also buy them yourself every week? Maybe he buys them because he knows you like them because you buy them yourself every week...
You need to communicate with each other, tell him what's important to you, listen to what he says is important to him. Find a life that works for both of you together. It doesn't matter what anyone else is doing.
I'm so sorry about your miscarriages. I've lived with endometriosis for 30 years so I absolutely sympathise with that. Hugs!

Thank you @wishawish. I've been seething all afternoon, both at him and for me for being so brattish. But you've given me an outlet for a rant and his breathing is bothering me just a little less now

I've got to take my comment back now, hubs just been to the car and came back with a Joe marine candle set feel guilty now haha

It’s natural to want to feel special/appreciated OP.
Is your DH attentive in other ways? I.e does he notice when you’re tired/stressed, help you with stuff etc? If you’re in pain and doing housework and he hasn’t even noticed (unless you took great effort to appear ‘well’ on purpose) I can see why you feel unnoticed...

I agree with LaMariposa who cares about the ridiculously expensive Valentines flowers being delivered if you have a good man the rest of the year . You moaned about the luxury blanket & say you are happy with your Primark one , yet don’t like it if he buys you supermarket roses!

Disclaimer I have yet to RTFT but just to say....

We stopped all the Hallmark shite years ago, ditto wedding anniversaries, we acknowledge our anniversary is coming up and if we are really lucky we remember to mention it on the the day.

I buried a family member this week, or rather we didn't get to attend due to Covid, to top it all the new boiler carked it, I am at the end of my rope (and freezing) we were watching a history of the 80's music scene we had recorded, he was visibly fading fast, but stuck on the 70's one, I looked at him and he said that is the most at peace I have seen you all week, it is worth sitting here with my eyes bleeding to see you not happy but with some sort of peace.

That is what relationships are about.

Just to add I am shielding and he is working from home, I tend to sleep until about ten, as soon as he hears my feet on the floor, he brings me up a coffee and two squares of dark chocolate.

That is what 32 years does for you.

If he is a good man, then choose your battles carefully.

@ScrapThatThen

I am always sceptical about the big gesture guys on valentines. They are just playing a role.

All the guys I dated who were overtly romantic or put on about how romantic they were were cheating twats. I'd hate anyone buying me clothes or underwear I didn't specifically ask for.

If you love him and he loves you, you're on to a winner. A 'romantic' gesture for me is as others say, a coffee, de icing the car, putting the blanket over your knees to keep you warm etc

Yes it's lovely to have gestures, but if you truly have each other's backs, that's really all you need

So buying and lavishing gifts signify your love for each other on one day a year? What about the rest of the year then or do you know he loves you?

Why are you doing all the housework and ironing his shirts if you work full time? And then he expects youth dress up in matching underwear for him....words fail me! No wonder you feel unappreciated and depressed.

It sounds as though this relationship has run its course and you are staying together because of habit. I honestly think that you would be better off without him.

It is possible to have a man who is kind and good to you all year and remembers to buy something nice on Valentine’s Day; the two aren’t mutually exclusive

It’s just about knowing your partner and making an effort, not exactly difficult yet on all the v day or anniversary or birthday threads on here, you’ll find women defending rubbish men by saying he just doesn’t know how to buy a present

Op, if it’s not good enough then it’s not good enough. It’s your decision what you want to put up with

It seems that you're in a partnership where you like the romantic shows of affection but your husband doesn't see them as particularly important.

The 5 love languages is a good resource to start opening up discussions on how you each like to show and receive love as it sounds like you have differing preferences and expectations.

Ultimately, though, there'll have to be some element of compromise - your DH can step up his game a bit but you'll also have to appreciate that your DH does clearly put some effort in to pick up flowers/card etc and that this will be more difficult to him than for you because it doesn't come naturally to him.

I think, as PPs have said, the main problem though is with you feeling unappreciated throughout the year - I think the reason my DH and I don't stress out about the 'big' occasions is because we show our affection and appreciation of one another multiple times a day through small acts (e.g. kissing, cuddling, expressing gratitude, sharing the housework unprompted etc.). But the most important thing is to not measure your relationship up against another mythical one that you see online - maybe the (boastful) online posts are just to make up for something intrinsically missing in the relationship!

Hope you have a lovely day today

If most of your friends are being treated to a lovely day/night by their partners than I suggest that at 4pm tomorrow you sit down with your DH and go through their social media and show him what they've been doing. Then turn round and ask him what he has planned.

If my DH sat me down, went through his mates social media so he could show me how inferior I am compared to their wives and girlfriends and then turned round and demanded to know what I was planning to do to be more like these other women I would completely lose respect for him. In fact I'm pretty sure in that situation MN would tell me I was a victim of emotional abuse and to LTB.

Well by your own admission you have stopped making an effort in some areas. Time for a little chat with him where you can both say what you'd like a little bit more of.

@toolazytothinkofausername

I would rather have a kind husband 365 days a year than a husband that thinks he can make up 364 days of being a useless husband with a bunch of roses and a box of chocolates.

This. A million times over.

I learnt my lesson young. My boyfriend at the time didn't do much for valentines. Think we'd gone out for an Indian. My friends boyfriend booked them in the fanciest hotel in town, nice meal, flowers etc. He put her in the hospital a few months later and was an arsehole. I went onto marry my boyfriend and we're still together 20 years later.

He's never made much effort on valentines, the day when Clinton's tells him to make an effort. He makes an effort on the days I need him to without ever being asked. The cuppas brought to me in bed, the cuddles when I get in after a hard day, the sweets he picked up at the supermarket because he knows I like them.

I'd also exercise caution on what you see on social media. It's all for validation.

@Sweet666

Yanbu, if you want that type of thing then you're with the wrong man though. I wanted the special surprises and effort and valentines treats etc so I specifically chose a man who was like that

This.

People don’t change and if you force them they’ll resent you. Better to find someone who is already what you want. ❤️

My ex bought lovely presents he chose and wrapped himself .He planned surprise trips snd cooked lovely meals but it didn’t stop him sleeping with my best friend! It was all show to make himself look good.

To be honest there sounds like more issues in the relationship than just Valentine’s Day.
We are those that celebrate it a little, few inexpensive gifts, usually a meal out. But we have the little things too like him making me a brew when I wake up on days off or me buying him a cake from the cofffee shop.

Some of your other comments lead to me reading you aren’t happy with some other aspects of life atm. Not just valentines.

Valentine's day makes me feel nauseous.
Even worse is telling a spouse that it is meaningful so he feels obliged to buy flowers, even though he doesn't feel that way, and only doing so to keep his petulant wife happy.

Opting out of Valentine's Day as a commercial cringe fest is reasonable, the issue to me seems to be the rest of the year and your wish for some romantic feelings and actions which are not reciprocated.

Yep, my DH broke his ankle 3 weeks ago, since then I've done everything for him (couldn't even get to the loo for 2 weeks) and the kids. He's just been in bed or sofa that whole time yet last night apologised he's done nothing for VD. come on! He's got the internet at his fingertips and all day long to order something.

I used to know a couple who went all out for valentines, hotel rooms full of rose petals, champagne and caviar the works.

The rest of the year they spent telling whoever wanted to know how much they hated each other and how much they’d love to get divorced.

Relationships are about so much more than show.

And tbh I don’t even get the sentiment that “he should make an effort if he knows that’s what you want” which some people put out here.

I never have nor ever will do valentines. If a partner expected I should make an effort to do something special because he wanted it I would make it clear in no uncertain terms that it wouldn’t be happening, he could either choose to accept that or find someone who shared his superficial expectations.

If you want the relationship in general to be better then you need to communicate with each other.

I certainly don’t agree with the poster upthread that you should ltb, although I guess it’s inevitable that at least one will advise that on a thread like this.

But if you have a generally good marriage, then you should be able to communicate about the things you would both like to do differently. That includes you talking about what you and he both do practically and also listening to his thoughts on the physical side and being able to tell him how you feel about that while you’re not on the verge (or not) of having sex. There’s a time for those kinds of discussions, and the heat of the moment essentially rarely goes well so they should be had in the cold light of day when emotions aren’t running high.

For some reason I always thought Valentine Cards etc. were supposed to be anonymous. (I still think that).

So to give OH a card etc. would not seem right to me - even if it was unsigned.

I should add that this theory does save a bit of money!