No effort on Valentine's?

[wishawish]

I'm fully prepared for some backlash on this.

My DH has never been romantic.

I get a bunch of roses from a supermarket (I buy roses for the house every couple of weeks anyway) and a funny card of some sort.

I'd love a bunch of flowers delivered, knowing that he's made the effort to look through and pick some, doesn't have to be expensive just the thought or even something like a photo in a frame.

All over Instagram and Facebook, pictures of a dining tables set out with starters, mains, deserts planned, love heart balloons, my friend had a delivery of a beautiful red dress and a necklace and was told to put them on and then go to his, she's just text me a picture of candles lit all over his apartment, dining table set up etc.

I'm in my 20s and I just don't really feel special at all, I'm in my pjs, he walked in from work with a 4 pack of beer and sat on sofa.

I guess, it's not just this time of year, he never really does anything nice for me. He's not nasty or abusive or anything he just doesn't really ever think of me I guess, does that make sense?

Sometimes I think about how nice it'd be to get home to a bubble bath run occasionally or anything like that. I'm just a bit miserable really.

We've been together most of our 20s, I always try and do nice things for him, thoughtful or sentimental gifts at Christmas etc. I'll mention something that I would love for Christmas and he says to stop and I never let him "surprise me", this year I got an expensive sofa blanket I don't need and a candle. Am I being a bitch here? Or over sensitive? (Period pains) or are we just lacking passion now in our relationship?

It's def valentines tomorrow right? I keep seeing people doing stuff today ... I've not missed it then.

There are two things here,

1. relationships aren't a competition. Don't worry about what others do. They are not you or in your relationship

2. no one is a mind reader, if you want something you have to tell your partner. Particularly if you have different love languages / place importance on different things. I've been with my husband almost 20 years, I still remind him about a Valentine's Day card or flowers for Mother's Day lol

My DH hasn't even got me a card he just this minute sat in the sofa said 'oh shit is it Valentine's tomorrow' oh well haha il order myself something nice and use our joint account haha

Some men just have to be told what you would like. I know it kind of ruins it, but if they're not told they won't think of it themselves. If you're lucky you'll just have to tell them once and hopefully they'll get the idea for future years, but others will do it once and need to told again sadly.

I would guess that you are silently screaming that you're not bothered about Valentine's Day to him. If you don't tell him what you want he won't know. Some men aren't perceptive like women. You may well have done all those things in the house but have you asked him to help you and he's refused or are you being a martyr? No one is going to thank you for doing jobs around the house. Dp doesn't thank me for putting a load of washing in and I don't thank him for cleaning the kitchen.
We don't get gifts or cards for Valentine's anymore but we are cooking a nice meal together. This was mutually agreed between us earlier in the week. No one has assumed anything and no one is disappointed.

I suspect your problem is that you have very different expectations. I once had a boyfriend who bought me flowers ‘because we’d be going out a month’ and it utterly freaked me out. He was nonplussed as he’d been complained at by previous girlfriends for not doing so. Different people like such different things. But until you’ve explained this then you can’t expect him to be a mind reader.

When you say he gets you roses (supermarket or not, they’re still flowers) and a card, you mean for Valentine’s Day tho? So he does so something for Valentine’s Day, you’re just not happy with what he does do.
I’m not one for accepting mere scraps from men but I think you’re being a bit precious over this. Social media is a fucker for making people feel insecure or unsatisfied with their lot in life.
Valentine’s is complete bollocks imo. I say that as someone who is big on romance but very unimpressed by cheesy, money-spinning shit.

Love and affection year round is more than important than a rip off bunch of overpriced flowers.

He does get you flowers anyway so not like he ignores you.

What happens every day is more important than just birthdays, Christmas, valentines etc. If he is thoughtful most of the time I’d forgive the lack of flowers and candles. I got some £3.99 Aldi roses yesterday and breakfast in bed today- not remotely insta worthy but we’ve been married for years and he does all the ironing (which I hate), all the gardening and makes breakfast in bed for me most weekends.

Have I missed why you’re washing his clothes and cleaning the house for him? Or is he doing that too at other times? That would be a deal breaker for me. It’s not the 1950s.

I just saw a public post on Facebook from a man showing the beautiful bouquet he had bought his oh. Loads of comments: aren't you wonderful etc...my only thought was why are you showing this on here? Things on the surface are not always what they seem.... look deeper.

I wash the clothes and do some of the cleaning because since my business model changed in the 1990s, it makes economic sense for it to happen that that way @Free. It wasn't how I planned it; his business had more longevity than mine. But mine was more profitable while it lasted, and dobbed in shedloads for the pension.

Exactly. Wonder how many men standing panicked at the denuded rose display in my supermarket today do much the rest of the year.
Dh has never done Valentine, neither do I, but he always de ices my car and leaves me a coffee. And he makes kids' sandwiches for school. Every morning.
Incidentally, supermarket near my house, since when is Valentine tat essential(including teddies and shit), but candles and bobble hats not?

It’s mad isn’t it, if you’re seeing it all over social media then he must be too but either doesn’t seem to be connecting the dots that perhaps he should be making the effort or doesn’t care. I would never hint to a man that I would like to receive flowers, I’d rather receive no flowers at all. The gift is in the thought, if you have to tell them then there’s no point.

Ideally, you would be with someone who shares your enthusiasm for romantic gestures

Personally, I think it's a bit of a nonsense, and I would resent someone buying me a dress, telling me what to wear. But I can see that others would like it

If the relationship is otherwise happy, I'd let this go

I'd be more concerned that you're doing all the housework and feel unappreciated

Remember that 20mins before those Instagram pictures are taken they could have been having a row or kicking off about something . You only see what people want you to see!
Men are sometimes a bit thick. My boyfriend bought me supermarket flowers last night and a bottle of gin but I know he’s forgotten a card....despite seeing the moonpig I’d ordered.

I get why you’re pissed off I would be. It’s a day to celebrate your love and I’m all up for it extra flowers for you xxx

You shouldn't have done so much when you're not well. It's made you resentful. Washed bedding & he can do the rest. It sounds like all your other stresses are contributing to this. Try to talk to someone or get a few counselling sessions if you can. They can really help you work through.

I'm no longer bothered about Valentine's. Don't like to be told to be romantic & not feeling it right now. But I do always make a card & write something in it. Bought a bunch of flowers in Lidl for dh but I get to enjoy them too.

And there's so much to celebrate though the year with Christmas, birthdays, anniversaries. It's endless & I don't want extra thinking.

Thanks guys.

I'm not really even pissed off I guess it's just the way he is, in our first years and first years of marriage he would have flowers sent to my work or run me random baths etc, that doesn't happen anymore but like I said he works hard, he's kind and he makes me laugh

I try not to take social media seriously, I know it's full of what people "want" us to see but I think it's normal to have little pangs of jealousy (healthy not obsessive).

I think maybe we both need to put some extra effort in all year round and Valentine's has just got me thinking that we don't really appreciate each other enough full stop.

I guess Valentine's day means more to some than others.. my dh (of 25 yrs) would walk over hot coals for me on any day, makes me a cup of tea when he gets up for work, scrapes ice/warms my car up when I'm going to work earlier than him, and shows his love in so many small ways.. And still so very fit and sexy!! But Valentine's day barely registers for him.
Only you know whether your dp feels deep and meaningful love for you and that doesn't have to register in terms of flowers and fb posts. Look at what you have, and what you want and don't compare it to anyone else. Sorry for your endo pain though 💐 💐

I don't think we will do anything special tomorrow - we haven't bothered with more than a takeaway or m&s meal maybe for the last couple of years - and I'm not fussed, but then my DH is appreciative and all the rest of it all the time, so we don't need a special day iyswim. Maybe you need to reevaluate your relationship, as he sounds like a bit of a dick tbh.

Zingming -“It's not about gestures, it's about the tiny gestures of care and concern and love that happen every single day. Valentine's Day is for those hoping for love.”

This.
OP do you feel loved? A card & gifts are empty & worse than nothing if you know there’s no love

He's redeemed himself by saying tomorrow we can get a Chinese, he's just warmed up my heat pad without me asking and asked if I want to watch a film so I'll take that ☺️ maybe I'm just hormonal and stroppy 🤦🏻‍♀️

@Ughmaybenot

When you say he gets you roses (supermarket or not, they’re still flowers) and a card, you mean for Valentine’s Day tho? So he does so something for Valentine’s Day, you’re just not happy with what he does do. I’m not one for accepting mere scraps from men but I think you’re being a bit precious over this. Social media is a fucker for making people feel insecure or unsatisfied with their lot in life. Valentine’s is complete bollocks imo. I say that as someone who is big on romance but very unimpressed by cheesy, money-spinning shit.

Yeah that's what I thought. He HAS done more than a lot of partners would.

If most of your friends are being treated to a lovely day/night by their partners than I suggest that at 4pm tomorrow you sit down with your DH and go through their social media and show him what they've been doing. Then turn round and ask him what he has planned. When he shuffles and says nothing tell him to get online and order you the bottle of perfume you asked him to give you for Christmas and are still waiting for. Explain to him that a DH who cba to make an effort over the odd occasion is a real turn off and leaves you cba to make an effort with matching underwear etc.