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AIBU?

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Original poster

To tell my friend I'm not happy with her doing this? (even though it's already done)

94 replies

snoozerer · 13/02/2021 18:22

Firstly, I'm not in the U.K., hence not in lockdown.

My closest friend and I are both single parents and both have live-in nannies, which is completely normal on my side of the world.

Our kids are best friends and my daughter was invited for a sleepover tonight at her house.

I just woke up in the night to a message staying she'd decided to stay at her boyfriend's and the kids would be with the nanny and she'd be back in the morning and asking if I was ok with that. I was long asleep by the time she sent it (almost midnight).

I'm absolutely not ok with it, not so much because I have an issue with the kids being with the nanny (who I know and trust) , but because the kids were fast asleep by the time she decided, meaning if they wake up in the night with an emergency, they'd expect to be able to find her in her room. I just wouldn't have let my daughter sleepover under those conditions. If I'd known in advance, possibly.

I'm now wide awake at 2am knowing it's redundant texting her back now, as I don't doubt she stayed over without my response and I know she's fast asleep.

She's my closest friend and I don't want to cause any drama but I'm genuinely upset and really angry. Am I wrong to say something? This isn't the first time it's happened.

OP posts:
shouldistop · 13/02/2021 18:23

How old are the kids?

Original poster
snoozerer · 13/02/2021 18:24

Ah good point. 8.

OP posts:
shouldistop · 13/02/2021 18:28

I don't think this would bother me tbh as they're not very little and you trust the nanny. Hopefully she told the nanny before disappearing though so she knew she was 'on duty'.
At 8 if they needed someone in the night I'd think they'd quickly go to the nanny's room if they couldn't find your friend.
If they were younger I'd probably be a bit annoyed.
I wouldn't upset a good friendship over it.

isitsafetocomeoutyet · 13/02/2021 18:28

What happened the first time she did it?

Did you say you didn't like it?

Penistoe · 13/02/2021 18:29

they wake up in the night with an emergency, they'd expect to be able to find her in her room

Presumably they know the nanny well and she will deal with any issue. She could always come back if there was major drama.

I think yabu and a little silly.

sadpapercourtesan · 13/02/2021 18:30

I wouldn't be worried as such, your daughter is 8, not 4, and you've said you trust the nanny.

It was ill-mannered of your friend though. If my child was invited to sleep over by a parent, I'd expect the parent to be there unless other arrangements had been agreed.

Floralnomad · 13/02/2021 18:32

I wouldn’t be that worried at that age surely if anything did happen and they find her bedroom empty they will just go find the nanny . I’d only have an issue if I didn’t know the nanny .

LolaSmiles · 13/02/2021 18:34

YANBU if someone has agreed to have a child stay over then it's up to them to be transparent with the other child's parent/s.

Are live in nannies expected to be on call 24/7? I'd also be concerned that your friend seems to think that having a live in nanny means she can prioritise her boyfriend shows a bit of a rude attitude to be honest, unless it was already agreed that the nanny was on duty.

WishingHopingThinkingPraying · 13/02/2021 18:36

I don't see what he problem is. But my nanny is the best in the world so I'm imagining her minding them. I dunno. Their nanny is family and professional childcare. Not really sure why you think your friend would be a better minder than her?

WishingHopingThinkingPraying · 13/02/2021 18:37

Practically family I should say but actually my nanny is more than just family so that might be shading my view.

Scottishskifun · 13/02/2021 18:40

I wouldn't be happy with it regardless of age. If a parent has agreed to a sleep over I would expect them to be in the house rather than going for a midnight booty call regardless of having a nanny!

Dobbyismyfavourite · 13/02/2021 18:41

I wouldn't be happy with this regardless if you are happy with the live in nanny. Really poor manners of your friend. If my DD, when younger, went to a sleepover I would expect the parent to be there, unless there was an emergency such as hospital admission. Your friend is very rude especially telling you at midnight she has effectively decided for you and I would be pointing that out to her.

Many years ago a parent asked if her DD could stay at ours, they had a wedding, but I was away myself. I made sure she was happy that my DH was in charge of the girls overnight.

Original poster
snoozerer · 13/02/2021 18:41

Thanks all for this perspective. I am not good at speaking up for myself so am glad I checked in for views on this before I did. Maybe everything seems amplified because it's the middle of the night!

I'd just prefer the kids knew in advance, that's my only reservation.

I'll keep this grumble to myself then as consensus seems to be it's not so bad.

OP posts:
DavidsSchitt · 13/02/2021 18:45

8? They'll be fine

billy1966 · 13/02/2021 18:47

OP,

This is the type of question that really divides people.

If a child was coming to my house to stay and I was clearly taking on the responsibility, there is absolutely no way I would do that.

I certainly wouldn't think it was the action of a responsible parent.

It would piss me off to be put in that position.

This is not about the nanny.

This is about you being put in this position.

People parent differently and that is their right, but for me this would be really annoying, it would be a breach of trust as it was NOT what was agreed.

This isn't the first time she has done it either.🙄

In my world this would be like me in inviting one of my daughters friends to stay over and then I head off for the evening and leave my husband in charge.
Now there is nothing wrong with the care my husband would provide, but I still wouldn't dream of doing it as I I issued the invitation and didn't say that I would be going out at the time.

Flowers
WitchesBritchesPumpkinPants · 13/02/2021 19:04

The girls are 8, so no, I wouldn't have any issue with it. I'd be pissed off if they were 3 and the nanny's room wasn't easily accessible if they woke up. But at 8, they'll find the nanny if they need her.

I trust she has the brains to have checked that the nanny is home & knows she's looking after both girls?

C152 · 13/02/2021 19:24

I think you should say something to your friend. Irrespective of the nanny being there, it's not ok to piss off in the middle of the night when you've agreed to look after someone else's child.

Original poster
snoozerer · 13/02/2021 19:36

Witches - my issue is that given she text me at midnight when I was asleep, the nanny was also likely asleep by the time she decided, which just makes me uncomfortable.

OP posts:
LolaSmiles · 13/02/2021 19:37

billy1966 puts it well.
It isn't about how you feel about the nanny, or a concern about how competent the nanny is, it's the fact your friend agreed to be responsible for your child and then disappeared off to see her boyfriend. I would find it difficult to trust someone if they prioritised going for a booty call over looking after a child they invited to stay.

EarringsandLipstick · 13/02/2021 19:42

@LolaSmiles

billy1966 puts it well. It isn't about how you feel about the nanny, or a concern about how competent the nanny is, it's the fact your friend agreed to be responsible for your child and then disappeared off to see her boyfriend. I would find it difficult to trust someone if they prioritised going for a booty call over looking after a child they invited to stay.
Exactly this. I wouldn't be happy, at all.
AIMD · 13/02/2021 19:42

I wouldn’t be happy with this. If I’d agreed for my child to stay over with person A then I’d expect person A to be the person responsible for them unless otherwise agreed.

Texting at midnight asking if it’s ok isn’t on either as clearly you’d be asleep and had no notice.

I would feel differently had there been an emergency but not just because she wanted to go to her boyfriends house. If that was the case why not plan that ahead of time.

I’d probably say something along the lines of...

Next time A stays over can you please let me know first who will be looking after her overnight so she know who will be with her if she wakes up.

Sceptre86 · 13/02/2021 19:49

This would piss me off and actually I would tell the friend that. If you said yes to the sleep over assuming that the friend would have overall responsibility for your child i would have expected her to be there. Why couldn't she go to her boyfriend's another night? I don't think your child would have been in any danger as you said you trust the nanny. It was not what was agreed though and if she has form for this then I would have discussed it sooner.

Original poster
snoozerer · 13/02/2021 19:52

For those who suggest I confront her, I'd like some views on what to say. I don't want to start WW3 and I imagine she'd get very defensive, but I also want to be confident enough to say what I want to say.

If I do say something it'll be later, after I've picked my daughter up and come home. I don't want tension while the kids are there.

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 13/02/2021 19:54

She’s eight, the nanny is there, she knows rhe nanny, I’d be fine with this. The likely hood of an emergency arising is low.

Unless you feel the nanny is incapable. If not. Then it’s totally fine.

Scottishskifun · 13/02/2021 19:54

I would say for future sleep overs you would appreciate if she stayed in the house for consistency for your child as it could be confusing and upsetting

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