To tell my friend I'm not happy with her doing this? (even though it's already done)

[snoozerer]

Firstly, I'm not in the U.K., hence not in lockdown.

My closest friend and I are both single parents and both have live-in nannies, which is completely normal on my side of the world.

Our kids are best friends and my daughter was invited for a sleepover tonight at her house.

I just woke up in the night to a message staying she'd decided to stay at her boyfriend's and the kids would be with the nanny and she'd be back in the morning and asking if I was ok with that. I was long asleep by the time she sent it (almost midnight).

I'm absolutely not ok with it, not so much because I have an issue with the kids being with the nanny (who I know and trust) , but because the kids were fast asleep by the time she decided, meaning if they wake up in the night with an emergency, they'd expect to be able to find her in her room. I just wouldn't have let my daughter sleepover under those conditions. If I'd known in advance, possibly.

I'm now wide awake at 2am knowing it's redundant texting her back now, as I don't doubt she stayed over without my response and I know she's fast asleep.

She's my closest friend and I don't want to cause any drama but I'm genuinely upset and really angry. Am I wrong to say something? This isn't the first time it's happened.

It doesn't need to be a big deal, you could just ask if the nanny was aware she was spending the night elsewhere, as that seems to be your main issue.

If not, you can then decide whether you're happy to send your DC for sleepovers in future. Either way, no big confrontation needed.

Is there at least an order number? If so, ask her for the company name, and then google the contact details for the company rather than using any contact details she provides, and ask them to either confirm that they haven't sent a replacement, in which case give it to her, or ask them to arrange to collect the item from you and send it to her.
(Or you could just give it to her if you don't want to be bothered with this as even if it is a scam, it hasn't affected your finances).

Oops, wrong thread, ignore!

don't want to start WW3 and I imagine she'd get very defensive, but I also want to be confident enough to say what I want to say.

So don’t start world war 3. Just say you’d rather next time she didn’t do this. She texted saying “if that’s ok” so tell her you weren’t.

Op remember that the people telling you to confront her might do nothing of the sort if it was their friendship and their kids friendship on the line. It's easy to be billy big balls on the internet.
If you feel strongly about it just don't send your dd for a sleepover again until an age it wouldn't bother you at. No need for a confrontation as it won't change the fact that it happened tonight.

As others suggested I don’t think you need to ‘confront’ her or make a big deal of it.

However you do have an issue with her leaving in the night when your daughter is there. As she is likely to have another sleep over it seems sensible to let her know your feeling to prevent future issues.

If it were me I’d probably leave it until my child was invited again and then say something like “will you be there overnight for them or the nanny? I like letting Susie know who is looking after her overnight in case she wakes.”
Then check again when you drop her off.

I don’t think that’s rude or unreasonable.

I wonder if the difference is opinions is due to familiarity with having a nanny.

I find it bizarre that someone would agree to have someone else’s child and then leave them in someone else’s care without checking. However I haven’t ever had or used a live in nanny.

I wouldn't be annoyed by this. Presumably the nanny is well qualified and experienced and as they live in they are probably like a member of the family (at least in the kids eyes). If would be different if they were left with a random babysitter.

I wouldn't be happy about this if I had not known In advance that the Nanny would be sole charge of the children overnight. It's a breach of trust in my opinion.

OP has put her trust in the parent of her child's friend to look after DC, not the nanny. It's good that OP knows the nanny and feels she is competent, but it's not the arrangement that was made when OP decided to permit the sleepover to happen.

If it were me I’d probably leave it until my child was invited again and then say something like “will you be there overnight for them or the nanny? I like letting Susie know who is looking after her overnight in case she wakes.”
Then check again when you drop her off.

^ I think this would be a good way to phrase it if you do want to send your dd for a sleepover again.

@snoozerer

Witches - my issue is that given she text me at midnight when I was asleep, the nanny was also likely asleep by the time she decided, which just makes me uncomfortable.

It maybe the nanny was t asleep, it's highly unlikely I would have been at midnight.

I'd be pissed off if she hadn't checked the nanny was at home & that she was fine being 'on duty' with the girls, in case she'd feciddd to go out or ho for a run really early or something, but without knowing what their arrangement is it's hard to say.

Your DD went for a sleep over with her friend, not your friend as long as there's a responsible adult there that she knows I really don't think it's a big deal. It's her nanny that your daughter knows, not an unknown babysitter or the local crack dealer.

Was your daughter bothered?

I think anything you say is going to come across as a judgement on her parenting. Depends how much you value her friendship I suppose.

I wouldn't like it mainly because she hasn't actually given you the opportunity to make a decision/judgement on the situation and decline if you chose to do so.

A text at midnight leaves you with no option but suck it up.

If I was willing to not rock the boat too much I'd send a message like "Hey x, thanks for the sleepover , DD had a great time. If this situation arises again however, I'd appreciate if you let me know in advance so I can decide if I'd rather have DD come home."

If she's a dick about it then you'll know where her priorities lie.

Your friend had a booty call.
The Booty call is much more fun than staying at home with an 8 year old. her friend and the live in nanny.

And of course I think she’s being very unreasonable.

I doubt she went on a whim at midnight. She probs just texted that late so you didn’t have a chance to say no.

I expect the nanny had known about it for hours.

Tough shit for the poor nanny. Nice to be told you're back on duty at midnight, 'if that's ok.'

I wouldn't be freaking out at the situation per se but I would give my mate a but of a kick in the arse for general sloppiness of character.

*a bit of a kick (scuse typo)

If she’s a close friend I think you could raise it. Not in anger but later. I think the issue is the change of plans and caring arrangements at such short notice and would frame it that way. She’s at liberty to change plans but you would prefer a bit of notice.

Wouldn't bother me but if it bothers you, you should tell her so she doesn't for it again

Well you would be being unreasonable to get het up about it - your daughter is 8, she knows the nanny, you like the nanny - so she isn’t going to come to any harm nor be frightened if she wakes up.

Your friend is being discourteous though, as you anticipated a sleep over with the mother present. I would tell her that in principle you want and need to know about this stuff in advance so you can make a choice. But talk to her in 48 hours, when you feel calm.

I'd just say 'I felt a bit panicked about the situation when I first read the txt as I wondered......... But then I realised of course they'd be fine with the Nanny. Can you just tell me next time before it happens though so I can tell my daughter'

Op remember that the people telling you to confront her might do nothing of the sort if it was their friendship and their kids friendship on the line. It's easy to be billy big balls on the internet
It doesn't need to be a big confrontational. A simple "I picked your text up, but it was sent so late that it felt you were assuming my consent. DC loves her sleepovers but I'd like to know whose going to be looking after her when she's round" would do.

Plus, it isn't a case of being Billy big balls online. If I had concerns that someone was leaving my child without my consent so they could have a shag then my child would come before the friend. Any friend should understand that and if they don't then it would probably highlight a substantial difference in attitude that would make me think twice about allowing sleepovers over there.

Unless they are in a building the size of Buckingham Palace and your daughter is not able to speak, or shout, then I fail to see the problem.
Your DD was invited to stay with her friend, not with her friend's mum. A responsible, qualified adult who you and your DD are familiar with, who lives there, was present. If the mum was away on business, would you care?
Be prepared to lose a friend if you complain.

If I knew and trusted the nanny I wouldn't have a problem with this. There is a caring, trusted adult there so no problem.

Hmmm

How about "I'd prefer it the girls and nanny knew you were staying out the night before they went to bed"