To tell my friend I'm not happy with her doing this? (even though it's already done)

[snoozerer]

Firstly, I'm not in the U.K., hence not in lockdown.

My closest friend and I are both single parents and both have live-in nannies, which is completely normal on my side of the world.

Our kids are best friends and my daughter was invited for a sleepover tonight at her house.

I just woke up in the night to a message staying she'd decided to stay at her boyfriend's and the kids would be with the nanny and she'd be back in the morning and asking if I was ok with that. I was long asleep by the time she sent it (almost midnight).

I'm absolutely not ok with it, not so much because I have an issue with the kids being with the nanny (who I know and trust) , but because the kids were fast asleep by the time she decided, meaning if they wake up in the night with an emergency, they'd expect to be able to find her in her room. I just wouldn't have let my daughter sleepover under those conditions. If I'd known in advance, possibly.

I'm now wide awake at 2am knowing it's redundant texting her back now, as I don't doubt she stayed over without my response and I know she's fast asleep.

She's my closest friend and I don't want to cause any drama but I'm genuinely upset and really angry. Am I wrong to say something? This isn't the first time it's happened.

I think this is crappy behaviour and I wouldn’t have my 8 yo sleepover there again. But in my culture we look after our own kids so in a environment where live in nannies are the norm I assume this is more normal? Assume the kids are used to going to the nanny at night? And really the nanny is doing the bulk of the parenting?

You say this isn't the first time. If you aren't honest about it not being ok, it won't be the last. Just tell her you would prefer people to be clear in future.

How old is your child?
How well does she know the nanny?
I think your friend is selfish to not be there is a sleep over.

Out of interest where in the world are you?

I’d also have a problem with this, on basis that you weren’t given a choice. If she’d told you this might happen, are you ok with it, you may well have said sure, but she presented it as a fait accompli when it wasn’t her call.

She lied about you to your daughter?! I'd be furious! Talk about nailing her own coffin shut, it would be the end for me.

I would not be happy. I also don’t think the nanny should be happy and should have asked if you were ok with her looking after your child since that is not her remit. In fact, this did happen to me when dd1 was younger. It was in the daytime but the nanny was left with a bunch of kids including dd1 without me knowing. There were a load of problems not least that when I tried to collect dd, the father didn’t know where the nanny had taken the kids. I seem to remember dd being distressed as well. I’m going back years but I felt it was off then and now. You shouldn’t have someone else’s kids over if you’re not prepared to look after them

Odd responses from PP.

Why on earth did she invite her if she had no intention of being there?

I don't know a single person who would be OK with this.

You left your DD in the charge of your friend- she passed this responsibility to the Nanny without your permission. I would not be happy with this regardless of how responsible the Nanny is. You are clearly uncomfortable with this but are questioning your own judgement. Don’t-YANBU

Why on earth did she invite her if she had no intention of being there?

Exactly! Why invite a kid for a sleepover if you know you’re not going to be there?

Just invite them on a different day. Problem solved.

If you’re not going to say anything this, raise it next time you DD is invited to a sleepover.

‘Just checking that you’ll be there all night? Because if you’re planning to go to your bloke’s, let’s make it another night.’

No drama, gets the message across.

And really, it doesn’t matter a jot if other people would be OK with this (how lax can you be?!). You are not.

I would be annoyed. She could have her booty call on any other night. Why choose the night when she had already made a commitment to you?? But whatever you say will sound petty to her. I would def complain about the lie though and would do sleepovers at your house in future

@snoozerer

Witches - my issue is that given she text me at midnight when I was asleep, the nanny was also likely asleep by the time she decided, which just makes me uncomfortable.

It would annoy me too. It just doesn’t feel right that she is going out while having your daughter there. I would be really annoyed if I was that nanny too. She is having a guest and leaving nanny to deal with if anything happens. It would be even worse if nanny doesn’t know that she is in charge. Really irresponsible

It's a matter of trust. I've had a parent say they'll be supervising and then disappear off for hours. I had a friend say she'd take mine somewhere and I'd meet them then take them shopping first. Never again. Mine need supervision due to - not obvious - special needs. Ended up being ill for days after being given food they're allergic to because supervising parent hadn't fully checked food. You definitely need to tell friend if you think it's a one off. The time she contacted you suggests she knew you wouldn't be happy. Mine decided to ring me at 1am to be collected... which just sums it up.

OP I don't know if I am being super cynical but this sounds like a planned night to me. If your friend's ex does not like his DD to be left just with the Nanny, maybe inviting your DD to stay is a way she can go to her booty call unquestioned. Particularly when the further lie was that she was away with you. So it looked as though you were fine with it too... Messaging you when it was too late to reply also sounds planned. I would be wary of sending my daughter over there again even if the Nanny is great. Its really a question of trust. If you do let your DD sleep over again, then check exactly who will be there, and explain that you cannot give permission after X time as you cannot answer if asleep. If she does not have your permission, the default answer is NO. If you can do this with "please" and "thank yous" it does not seem too confrontational. Good luck.

@snoozerer

Thanks again all for your responses.

I didn't say anything but was really miffed today when she told both of our kids (when they asked where she'd been) that her and I had gone to have a sleepover at another friend's house.

I'm fairly annoyed at that. I did nothing of the sort and my ex husband would have a field day with that.

No way, she said lie to your kids and included you. I would definitely say something in the nicest way possible and also make it very clear that you are not happy with that. After all do you still feel that she is your best friend? Our relationship with people changes all the time over the time. I would definitely mention all of the issues there. Good luck

I would be livid. Especially if she has gone without hearing from you (guessing that's why she text so late, knowing you would be asleep) did she wake the nanny to tell her she was buggering off? Or were the nanny and kids unaware she was off on a booty call.

If you have kids over for a sleep over you stay in, you dont drop kids to go sleep at your boyfriends... Just not ok. I would be telling her I wasnt happy too. Leaving her own kid is one thing but leaving someone else's isn't OK at all.

If she'd done it before why did you let your daughter stay again? I think if it worried me I wouldn't let her stay over again or I'd say to your friend beforehand are you definitely going to be at home all night.
If after you'd said that she ignored you it would be no more sleepovers. I'd just be honest and say you want to know in advance who's caring for your daughter.
Although if you are happy with and trust the nanny it doesn't sound too much of an issue.
However you aren't happy and that's what matters.

I was going to say it was awful right up until the last part of the post that it’s happened before.

If you know she does this don’t let your daughter say there.