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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To tell my friend I'm not happy with her doing this? (even though it's already done)

94 replies

snoozerer · 13/02/2021 18:22

Firstly, I'm not in the U.K., hence not in lockdown.

My closest friend and I are both single parents and both have live-in nannies, which is completely normal on my side of the world.

Our kids are best friends and my daughter was invited for a sleepover tonight at her house.

I just woke up in the night to a message staying she'd decided to stay at her boyfriend's and the kids would be with the nanny and she'd be back in the morning and asking if I was ok with that. I was long asleep by the time she sent it (almost midnight).

I'm absolutely not ok with it, not so much because I have an issue with the kids being with the nanny (who I know and trust) , but because the kids were fast asleep by the time she decided, meaning if they wake up in the night with an emergency, they'd expect to be able to find her in her room. I just wouldn't have let my daughter sleepover under those conditions. If I'd known in advance, possibly.

I'm now wide awake at 2am knowing it's redundant texting her back now, as I don't doubt she stayed over without my response and I know she's fast asleep.

She's my closest friend and I don't want to cause any drama but I'm genuinely upset and really angry. Am I wrong to say something? This isn't the first time it's happened.

OP posts:

Lovesacake · 13/02/2021 21:06

Just ask her to let you know earlier in the evening next time.

Figgyboa · 13/02/2021 21:07

It wouldnt bother me, the nanny is obviously competent and is in a position of authority in her home. You dont know that she hasn't already discussed it with the nanny, not everyone is tucked up in bed at midnight.

Divebar2021 · 13/02/2021 21:09

If she discussed it earlier with the nanny there was no reason to message you at midnight - she could have messaged you at the time that conversation happened as a courtesy. I would ask if the nanny is actually aware that she’s on duty.

AccidentallyOnPurpose · 13/02/2021 21:12

@Figgyboa

So you'd be happy with a mum arranging a sleepover with your child and then letting you know she left them with her husband/brother/best friend/grandmother /whatever?

GabsAlot · 13/02/2021 21:26

no out of order-midnight? is everyone missing that part

Nunoftheother · 13/02/2021 21:34

@snoozerer

Witches - my issue is that given she text me at midnight when I was asleep, the nanny was also likely asleep by the time she decided, which just makes me uncomfortable.

Yes, I agree that this is the crux of the issue - by texting at that time she basically removed the opportunity for you to have any choice in the matter, so her question was moot.

I don't think you would be unreasonable to raise your unhappiness, and if she reacts by causing drama then that's down to her, not you.

occa · 13/02/2021 21:34

I don't think this would upset me but if it did I'd probably just say something to my friend like, 'Oh! You should ave told me you wanted to stay out, then they could have had their sleepover at mine instead, it wouldn't have been any trouble' (as long as it wasn't any trouble, obv.).

Give her the hint without going in nuclear.

MissMarpleDarling · 13/02/2021 21:47

Yabu

Skysblue · 13/02/2021 22:38

Yanbu. She invited your daughter round, she’s the host, basic politeness as well as all the obvious safety stuff dictates that she stay there.

If she didn’t plan to stay there then she shouldn’t have invited a guest round!

GalaKC · 13/02/2021 22:43

I don't think I would be thrilled about that, tbh, in fact I have never allowed any of my kids to sleepovers yet, except with close family. I just hate the thought of them being away from me at night.
Now if I were in your position, I wouldn't make a big thing of it but moving forward I would always make sure I speak to her beforehand and make sure she understands that you are leaving your child with HER, not with anybody else, and that if there is any chance of a change of plans she should let you know with plenty of time to give you the chance to decide whether to leave her or not . It is YOUR child so only you get to decide who she stays with. 8 is very young . I am sure your friend will understand, if not then I would question her respect for you as a mother.

PegasusReturns · 13/02/2021 22:50

Depends entirely on whether nanny = professional child carer, with access to money and transport who is capable of dealing with an emergency and has sufficient status to deal with healthcare professionals and/or emergency services.

Or nanny = a house maid who would struggle to manage an emergency situation.

I’ve lived in parts of the world where friends have had the former and other parts of the world where it’s been the latter.

If it was the latter I’d be absolutely livid.

Dancingwithdreams · 13/02/2021 23:02

I think I’d say something like “please could you let me know beforehand if xxxx(nanny) is going to be looking after the kids overnight, as I’d like to warn xxx(SD) that you wont be there in the night. Thanks”

MuddyPawPrintsEverywhere · 13/02/2021 23:02

I think it's irresponsible, but I don't know how you can phrase your objections without potentially offending her, since she clearly doesn't see a problem with it.

I'd view it differently if she'd explained during the planning phase of the sleepover that she might be away for the night. I suppose it doesn't make much of a difference, really, since you trust the nanny, but it seems a somewhat flaky to make last-minute changes to plans involving other people's children. That kind of thing irks me.

Original poster

snoozerer · 14/02/2021 15:35

Thanks again all for your responses.

I didn't say anything but was really miffed today when she told both of our kids (when they asked where she'd been) that her and I had gone to have a sleepover at another friend's house.

I'm fairly annoyed at that. I did nothing of the sort and my ex husband would have a field day with that.

OP posts:

AccidentallyOnPurpose · 14/02/2021 15:42

@snoozerer

Thanks again all for your responses.

I didn't say anything but was really miffed today when she told both of our kids (when they asked where she'd been) that her and I had gone to have a sleepover at another friend's house.

I'm fairly annoyed at that. I did nothing of the sort and my ex husband would have a field day with that.

So more lies and excuses to hide her behaviour. Yeah... I wouldn't let my kid have a sleepover there anymore, and I'd definitely be pissed about the lie and involving you and I'd be telling her exactly that.

billy1966 · 14/02/2021 16:51

@snoozerer

Thanks again all for your responses.

I didn't say anything but was really miffed today when she told both of our kids (when they asked where she'd been) that her and I had gone to have a sleepover at another friend's house.

I'm fairly annoyed at that. I did nothing of the sort and my ex husband would have a field day with that.

🙄 Do you know this person at all?

Newmum3200 · 14/02/2021 17:30

The issue is that you handed responsibility to your friend, not the Nanny. Its important to always be clear about where responsibility lies as miscommunications and misunderstandings about who is responsible can be dangerous with young children involved. I wouldn’t be happy about it and I don’t think you are being unreasonable at all.

Starseeking · 14/02/2021 18:01

I wouldn't have been happy about that at all.

I'd say something like "I was surprised to have received your text last night, as I assumed you'd be looking after the DC during the sleepover. Would you let me know if advance if you're not planning on being at the DC sleepover yourself please?"

"Also, please don't bring me into coverups like that unless we've agreed it in advance; you know I'll get grief from my EXDH if he hears, and given it's not true, I could really do without that."

Starseeking · 14/02/2021 18:02

*in advance

Buffs · 14/02/2021 18:27

This wouldn’t bother me as long as the nanny was there. I’ve allowed my children to be supervised by other people’s nannies day and night.

godmum56 · 14/02/2021 18:34

Its a pity the kids are BFF's because if they weren't that woman certainly wouldn't be my friend any more

RollWithThePunches · 14/02/2021 18:59

I’d trust the nanny more than the friend. The children are old enough to make enough noise to alert nanny if anything’s wrong. You’re over reacting.

nannykatherine · 14/02/2021 19:06

If I was the Nanny I would be super pissed off if I was suddenly on duty with two kids in the middle of the night ...

livefornaps · 14/02/2021 19:21

I'd tell her to stop making her punani the priority.

She can have her boom-boom-bangathon on her own watch.

roxanne119 · 14/02/2021 19:30

I do have a problem the sleepover was made with the mother not the nanny if that was the intention the choice should have been yours ☹️

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