To think that after your parents die, nobody really cares about you?

[Sillyreally1]

Covid-19 vaccine related. I’m being a bit dramatic but it has made me realise that there’s nobody that really cares about me.

My parents are dead.

My DC are young and don’t understand and anyway, it’s my job to care about them, not the other way around.

My boyfriend has had his and following his mother having hers, he said ‘I’m so relieved that everyone I care about has had theirs now, I don’t need to worry’. He realised what he said almost immediately and added except you of course. He meant his sister, parents, grandparents.

My boyfriend’s lovely mother wrote on Facebook, ‘now that we’re all done, we can start meeting up again’.

I know they’re relieved, I’m relieved for them too, but I feel so sad that people just don’t care about me. I haven’t said anything, and of course, I wouldn’t, but it’s making me feel really, really teary.

I would say my parents were casually fond of me.

My DH utterly adores me and would die for me. No one in my life has loved me like he does.

Oh wow, how and where are all these ppl getting their vaccines??

@R2221

Oh wow, how and where are all these ppl getting their vaccines??

Same way I got mine today? By living in England and being 65 or older?

Ah...but that doesn't explain the boyfriend and his sister. So fair enough. Presumably NHS/carers?

I do get it as my dp has no parents and i lost my mum BUT your kids adore you as i bet your bf does. People don't get it ...

My husband and friends care about me way more than my parents.

I've always known I don't want kids and I'm certainly not going to have them just to make up for my lack of relatives, but it does scare me a bit to think of a future with no family. to all in a similar position

You need to care about you, OP. You need to be on your side, have a strong level of self respect and self appreciation, and this won't bother you so much any more. Either because you'll be enough for yourself, or you'll attract relationships based on mutual love and high respect.

I know what you mean. It occurred to me the other day that if I died suddenly, it wouldn't fall to anyone in particular to sort my stuff out. No parents or siblings in this country and no significant other or anyone who would think it might be down to them to organise a funeral.
All quite depressing really.

Can you reframe it in your mind. That they loved you and that feeling of being loved will never go away. They aren't here to show you on a daily basis, but you know what the feeling is. Imagine if you were stuck in Australia and your children were here. You'd never stop loving them, would you? Even though you couldn't be with them. That's what all the spiritual sayings and poems are about - that love endures.
It's the children who never felt that who I feel sorry for.

By the way, that unconditional love is also given by pets. Most dog owners would say they feel very loved. 😊

Completely understand OP. DM died in 2012, DSF died 2019. Im on my own, 2 adult DC. I've never truly got over DM death, I felt abandoned, that little girl that needs her Mum.

I think when parents die, the 'top layer' has gone, and you are now the 'top layer' IYKWIM.

I doubt I'll be missed, well, maybe momentarily..

My darling mum loved me unconditionally too.
She gave me that warm “wrap around blanket” feeling that I treasured then, and even more since she died in December.
I have an adult child that I have always had a close relationship with, but since his Nan died, I can “feel” his love for me even more. It’s like he’s realising my vulnerability now that I’ve lost my mum...
He’s always shown his love for me, but since December, he has made me feel more loved and appreciated than ever before.
He too has his own loving partner, and will go on to hopefully nurture his relationship with her, and any children they may create. So in turn, he will become the key to his future family, in the same way he feels I am his “failsafe” person now...
When your children (in their childhood) are wholly dependent on you, it’s a different kind of love to the love they give you once they too have matured.
OP, it’s likely that your bf did unwittingly slip up in his wording, and currently you probably feel vulnerable enough to feel hurt.
Maybe in an non confrontational way, tell him that his words caught you off balance... if he really cares about you in the way that you deserve, he will show you that he is aghast that was how he came across.
It should also be a learning curve to him of how to go forward with you.
If he doesn’t answer in a kind and thoughtful manner, it will be horrible, but at least you’ll know, and can decide how to proceed. Please don’t just mull it over in your mind without giving him the opportunity to atone.
Sending you hugs, it can be so raw and rough losing such a loving role model.

Sorry OP in the nicest possible way, it’s time to bin off the boyfriend and get another who does care about you.

Good morning all. Thank you for your messages, they really helped. I’m feeling much better today. My boyfriend is lovely, it definitely wasn’t intentional and I can accept that I’m not in his DM’s priory list. I’m not going to hold it against them, it isn’t their fault I don’t have anyone and they don’t understand. His grandmother, his DM’s mother is still alive in her 90s. They won’t know how I feel. I’ve ordered his DM a hamper from us today for her birthday. No hard feelings from me. It all just caught me off guard

Feel the same, my dad died at 14 and my mum is very ill now with dementia. I always felt that when mum went my lovely sister would take on the mummy role but I lost her to cancer five years ago. I'm a single mum to my 8 year old dd but I would love a mum figure in my life.

It's ok to be sad OP. Your mother and father obviously taught you how to love and be loved. That is lovely. Can you channel your inner mother and father and carry them with you by showing yourself some love just like they would?

With most parents (obv not the shitty ones!), their love is unconditional, they love you whatever. I remember asking my mum if she’d still love me if I was in prison and she replied “of course. I’d be disappointed but I couldn’t stop loving you”.

With DHs/DWs we could do things that would break that bond, that love. It’s a different kind of love.

I would just add that it's wise to accept you're not in your in-laws' priority list (even though I think it's cruel of them not to make a giant effort to include you). The day I stopped trying to get my in-laws to love me was very liberating. I have realised I could really do with a "mother" figure though - not to look after me, but I have belatedly realised (and to generalise massively) that older women are awesome and it's good to have them in your life. I've become good friends with a neighbour. Do you have any relationships like this you could nurture? Aunts, or friends of your mum etc? Or women in your community.

It is possible to find a 'Mum' figure - those of us who have never had parents who love us have had to seek out the love from elsewhere.

My favourite 'Mum' is my MIL. We have a reciprocal love thing going on. She was adopted and gets the 'un-loved' issue so we kind of Mother each other.

Hope you can find that love op, you deserve it.