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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that after your parents die, nobody really cares about you?

121 replies

Sillyreally1 · 13/02/2021 18:21

Covid-19 vaccine related. I’m being a bit dramatic but it has made me realise that there’s nobody that really cares about me.

My parents are dead.

My DC are young and don’t understand and anyway, it’s my job to care about them, not the other way around.

My boyfriend has had his and following his mother having hers, he said ‘I’m so relieved that everyone I care about has had theirs now, I don’t need to worry’. He realised what he said almost immediately and added except you of course. He meant his sister, parents, grandparents.

My boyfriend’s lovely mother wrote on Facebook, ‘now that we’re all done, we can start meeting up again’.

I know they’re relieved, I’m relieved for them too, but I feel so sad that people just don’t care about me. I haven’t said anything, and of course, I wouldn’t, but it’s making me feel really, really teary.

OP posts:
ChestnutStuffing · 13/02/2021 20:13

I think your boyfriend probably didn't mean that he didn't care about you, so no, I don't think you can conclude that no one but your parents love you. And your children will soon grow up and love you as adults do.

But it can be crappy to feel like there aren't other people around though who have a similar level of love for you as a parent. I have a great aunt that in the past year lost the last two of her siblings - she is now the only one of her generation left. She said she finds it very disconcerting. They were the only left ones who knew her for her whole life, who experienced that family life with her and could remember with her or relate to stories from their youth. As time marches on and we lose family it creates an awareness of our mortality.

MintyMabel · 13/02/2021 20:15

Nothing to do with your parents having died and everything to do with your partner being an unfeeling twat. That’s not just a comment, he didn’t include you in “people I care about”

I’d be calling him out on that and likely leaving him to find someone who does care.

LostInMoab · 13/02/2021 20:17

I think I understand OP.

I don’t feel quite the same way - my DH adores me and the kids and I are absolutely his #1 priority - but I always feel lonely when I’m around his family. The comment about ‘all meeting up again’ is just the kind of thing my MIL says - without meaning any harm I should add - but it’s a very stark reminder that my parents are dead.

knittingaddict · 13/02/2021 20:19

Other way round for me.

I'm not sure how much my parents care as they are rubbish at showing it if they do. Not abusive, just not affectionate, articulate about their feelings or emotional engaged.

On the other hand my husband and two grown up children definitely do care.

Not everyone's situation is the same.

Staffy1 · 13/02/2021 20:20

I agree with that. No one really cares about us like our parents do. Apart from children who also rely on us and need us, but I know what you mean.

babbaloushka · 13/02/2021 20:21

If it's any consolation, I felt the same until my DDs were older. They'll get to an age where you realise they really properly love you, not just dependent, and that is the most wonderful feeling. It's coming, you are loved and cared about.

SweatyBetty20 · 13/02/2021 20:26

@ChestnutStuffing you’ve hit the nail on the head for me re your aunt with how it upsets me the most. I have so many memories of growing up with both parents; family holidays, days out, birthdays, just funny things happening, and I have nobody to reminisce with. And because of that, they aren’t being reinforced and I’m losing them. And it’s shit.

partyatthepalace · 13/02/2021 20:27

I know what you mean, up to a point... the unconditional love you get from your parents Is pretty unique, but if you have kids, and siblings and friends who care about you then YABU. I think you’ve got the lockdown lows, which is v understandable.

As for your BF, I think you need to dig into that one, and if he’s not as committed as you’d like - move on.

Saz12 · 13/02/2021 20:32

There are painfully few people who give the unconditional love of a (good) parent.

If I’d murdered my sister my mother would still have loved me ,she’d have been pretty cross, though...!) Losing your parents is horrible, it rips away a “if all else fails” bolthole.

It’s life. Parents should die before there children. It sucks that we’re not all immortal.

Rainallnight · 13/02/2021 20:35

I get it OP. Both of my parents have died over the past couple of years and it’s a huge shock to the system. I’m lucky that I have a nice DP, but I still feel a huge loss in terms of people who love you the way your parents do (and believe me, my parents were quite critical and not perfect!)

Snowsnowglorioussnow · 13/02/2021 20:40

I hope if my dc future partners have lost both parents I can be as sensitive and inclusive as I can be.

IsThePopeCatholic · 13/02/2021 20:40

When my parents died, a friend said to me: ‘you’re now an orphan, like me’. I was stunned and upset.

Oly4 · 13/02/2021 20:41

I know what you mean. When my mum died I remember thinking “nobody loves you like a mother”.
Good parents do love you unconditionally.
It’s not the same when they’ve gone. It’s ok to miss them

saraclara · 13/02/2021 20:45

I really don't think your boyfriend meant it in the way you think.

It would be the older generation in his family that he'd be thinking about. The people who he didn't see every day, the people at more risk, the people whose lives he wasn't in control of. And that's control with a tiny c - not that he's trying to control you, but that you share a life. He's part of it. He can protect you or check that you're okay.

My kids worry a lot about me and Covid. They don't worry in the same way about their partners, even though they're all at more risk of catching it than me as teachers/nurses. They know that I'm of an age where my outcome could be poor, and they don't live with me, so they tend to worry/care more because they can't see that I'm okay.

So yep, now that I and their GMs are vaccinated they're breathing a sigh of relief. And could probably just as easily have said what your BF said.

Snuffleupaguscomesout · 13/02/2021 20:53

Well clearly that’s not true from this post

That’s how OP may be feeling now at a low moment but of course her children love and need her, and will grow up and still care about her.

I just think it’s a more scary prospect losing your parents if you don’t have children. I wasn’t trying to invalidate what she was saying.

Jessicabrassica · 13/02/2021 20:57

I totally get this.
Ik ow a number of people say you'd friends care... But most people care about family first. If you prioritise your loved ones, my bf comes after husband and kids. I'm top of her list after husband, kids, patents, grandparents, sibling, nieces, nephews... Which puts her 4th... And me 12th...

It's not reasonable but it hurts that the only person for whom I'm a priority is my husband. Without him I'm on my own.

Totally get where you're coming from, OP.

JustLyra · 13/02/2021 20:58

Are they all in a vulnerable group?

I do feel much better now that MIL has been vaccinated.

I can imagine if my youngest DC could be vaccinated then I’d feel immense relief as, whilst everyone is still at risk, that would be the two people at absolute risk of death if they catch it being considerably safer.

Wildery · 13/02/2021 21:05

Sorry to say, but no, I think once your parents have gone (and providing they were good parents), you won’t ever have that kind of unconditional love again. But you’ll hopefully get something very similar once your DC are older. I lost both my parents five years ago and it’s shit and I feel very lonely, even though I have young DCs for whom I am clearly the centre of their world. You’re the centre of your DCs world. If no one else can do it for you, try to look after yourself the way a parent would (good food, sleep, treats, talking to yourself kindly etc).

Cornettoninja · 13/02/2021 21:14

I understand how you feel OP. My lovely mum died when I was in my teens and my ddad has been very ill/disabled since then. No other family really since they’re all abroad. My DP doesn’t get it at all but it’s a lonely feeling when nobody is there to really give an unconditional, gut feeling, shit about you.

I think I’ve felt it most since having dd, DP’s family are, quite normally, full of gushes over how like him she is and what a wonderful df he is. It’s lovely but it does sting that there’s no one there to spot similarities with me and give a little lift over my role in the family.

I don’t think what you’re feeling is that unusual in the situation but try not to let it spiral into anything that drags you down Flowers

Iremembertheelderlykoreanlady · 13/02/2021 21:17

I know what you mean OP. Those of us lucky enough to have good parents and a loving relationship with them will suffer more when they go. I suppose that's the price we pay for the good times Sad

With the exception of my parents I think that if I died there are only 4 people who would genuinely grieve. My brother, my son and 2 friends. That's it.

But as others have said your children live you the way you loved your parents. Try and hang onto that.

Dreamylemon · 13/02/2021 21:18

I have lost one parent and sort of flipped into the parent role with my remaining slightly disinterested parent so I get what you mean from a parental love perspective.

I feel more loved by my children, although they are young and dependent still.

I would feel hurt if my partner said that. I hate the whole feeling like an outsider in the family thing. There are elements of that from my family to people who marry in.

I feel totally welcomed by DH family- maybe because there are a very small family.

I've had the vaccine ( NHS hcp)but won't feel 'safe' until every adult has had it at least. I certainly will not be meeting up with people against lockdiwn rules.

HeronLanyon · 13/02/2021 21:22

I am loved by my dp. When my parents died i mourned that parental love and I miss it. Not ‘unconditional’ sometimes a bit messy or difficult but I was lucky enough to have had good parents who were always there for me even when I may have messed up or been difficult (and the other way around too!). Always loved me no matter what.
Tough. Support all.

CeefBurry · 13/02/2021 21:23

Your post makes me very sad.

I agree with what you are saying. My
parents love me very very much and care about me. DH not so much. He's 90
percent lovely to me the rest of the time abusive emotionally. It's soul destroying.

My D.C. love me but it's very much me alone. Or at least that's how it feels .

TrainingAim · 13/02/2021 21:28

My parents' parents are dead but there are lots of people who care deeply about them. Me and my DC for a start.

Presumably, all the at risk people in your circle are vaccinated and you're not at risk. I'd expect that they're including you in those that can meet up (none of you can atm!) because the risk for you was never as high

Coldbrewsandamumbun · 13/02/2021 21:32

Lost both parents in my late teens. No Grandparents either. So I get it OP, I feel like I don’t belong to anybodyFlowers