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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I can’t watch you self destruct... I have to say something

88 replies

WhoMe23 · 12/02/2021 19:55

My bf eats lots of unhealthy food, lots of takeaway food, sweets, fizzy pop etc. I used to have a sweet tooth but managed to change this a few years back when I quit smoking. I’m not saying I eat no junk but it’s very limited. I try really hard to eat well even more so now with the pandemic. My bf continues to eat crap and bring chocolate etc into the house. He has lots of dental issues. I keep reminding him not to eat so much sweet things and remind him that he already had takeaway today so please don’t have another one but he does as he pleases. It’s like he just ignores me. I had to take him to have a tooth procedure done the other week and I’m fed up of taking him to the dentist. Should I just leave him to it or continue to try and encourage him to have a better diet.
I really don’t want anything major to happen to him so I really can’t help but remind him about eating well. It’s annoying me. He’s a big guy and getting bigger. It’s pissing me off.

OP posts:

An0n0n0n · 12/02/2021 20:11

Leave him.

NeverDropYourMoonCup · 12/02/2021 20:12

It isn't like he just ignores you...he is ignoring you.

Leave him to it or just leave him. You won't get anywhere with him when he doesn't want to change.

AStudyinPink · 12/02/2021 20:12

It’s not great, but it’s his body. You can’t complain about him bringing chocolate into his own home - it’s not crack.

Most eating issues come from poor self-esteem, anxiety, boredom etc. This year has been hard for everyone on these fronts.

MeanMrMustardSeed · 12/02/2021 20:14

Leave him. Life is short. You wouldn’t want children with this sort of man. The expense would be enough to piss me off. Move on.

Emeraldshamrock · 12/02/2021 20:20

I'm surprised pp's are suggesting leave him when he is suffering from an over eating disorder. Many men are in the same situation they'd never be advised to leave.
I know women have babies so but you're not pregnant forever.
Tell him he is heading for an early grave ask him to join over eaters anonymous if he refuses then his mobility and health are at serious risk.

Original poster

WhoMe23 · 12/02/2021 20:39

I don’t want to leave him, just want him to take his health seriously. It sickens my stomach when I watch him go for it, lots of sugar in his hot chocolate, biscuits, the lot you name it. Then he says I eat posh food. I think that sounds right; maybe he does have some eating disorder

OP posts:

AStudyinPink · 12/02/2021 20:42

It sickens my stomach when I watch him go for it, lots of sugar in his hot chocolate, biscuits, the lot you name it. Then he says I eat posh food. I think that sounds right; maybe he does have some eating disorder

Chocolate and biscuits are perfectly normal things, OP.

Oysterbabe · 12/02/2021 20:45

You can't make him change, he's an adult who can eat whatever he wants. You have to just decide whether you can get past it and if not leave.

Ragwort · 12/02/2021 20:47

^^ You can't make him change ... it's up to you to accept him how he is or leave him.

OverTheRubicon · 12/02/2021 20:50

@WhoMe23

On the subject of disordered eating - how is yours? Sure, it sounds unhealthy, but it's also not that unusual a way to eat.

His dental issues are odd though, does he not brush his teeth? And why are you bringing him to the dentist all the time?

NeverDropYourMoonCup · 12/02/2021 20:50

@WhoMe23

Sounds more like you've got The Ick.

BraveGoldie · 12/02/2021 20:54

OP, your language is very emotive around this. It's a little hard to tell whether you actually have control issues around food or your bf has serious health issues (or both?).

How much weight has your bf gained? A lot of people (including me!) have gained weight during lock down. I eat all the rubbish you talk about, sometimes compulsively. My DP doesn't interfere, makes me feel accepted regardless, and is supportive and reinforcing of any efforts I make.

I am sure he would prefer me to look after my health a bit better - for my sake as well as for his. But I am also quite sure he doesn't view my habits with the kind of disgust/horror you seem to feel. It would be very damaging to my self esteem if he did.

Your DP's eating may be compulsive, but your watching of him also feels that way a bit. Perhaps you having kicked the smoking and overeating habits yourself (well done!), you are a little intense and judgemental about these things? If you are, your DP is likely to shut down...

NiceGerbil · 12/02/2021 20:58

Do you love him?

Is he overweight?

Issues with food are a sensitive area like any other compulsion/ addiction/ disorder.

My DH has a BMI of nearly 40. I still love him. I want him to be well. I try to strike a balance between not going on and saying look I care and I'm worried. How about doing this?

How overweight is he/ does he exercise/ how old is he?

ohnoisaid2much · 12/02/2021 21:01

@WhoMe23

You could try a more positive approach? Ask him to join you out for walks? Provide healthier snacks? Start a challenge - whole foods only for 10 days or something?

Original poster

WhoMe23 · 12/02/2021 21:04

Maybe my tolerance of junk food is very out of sync to everyone else’s. I just think having a takeaway most days is unhealthy. If I was taking drugs I would expect someone who loves me to encourage me not to. I’m not saying he has to eat nothing but greens but I just want him to live long and be healthy. I would like us to have a family one day but not having my child think this diet is ok or normal.

OP posts:

Original poster

WhoMe23 · 12/02/2021 21:05

Yes I was thinking about doing something together like riding bikes or walks.

OP posts:

Original poster

WhoMe23 · 12/02/2021 21:06

He’s 46 and 19 stone. 6ft tall.

OP posts:

AStudyinPink · 12/02/2021 21:08

He’s 46. It’s going to take a pretty big turnaround to get him to a healthy ‘dad’ weight, modelling good choices for your children, OP. I’m thinking you might consider whether he’s the one for you if he nauseates you.

NiceGerbil · 12/02/2021 21:09

Depends what the takeaway is, how unhealthy it is.

Depends how much exercise he does as well.

How overweight is he?

In the 70s and 80s people consumed way more calories and there was loads of shit food. They expended more energy in day to day life.

It's not as simple as X takeaways is bad bad bad. Although he must be spending a lot of money!

OverTheRainbow88 · 12/02/2021 21:11

I agree with you OP, this would concern me. Also I wouldn’t find it attractive if my OH ate non stop crap

I would suggest a lifestyle shake up for you both. Encourage outdoor activities together etc

Emeraldshamrock · 12/02/2021 21:12

Maybe my tolerance of junk food is very out of sync to everyone else’s. I just think having a takeaway most days is unhealthy
Your tolerance is not out of sync.
Daily takeaway is one fast track ticket to an early death don't blame yourself on his habits.
I totally understand your situation although DP is on a diet a few weeks.
It is awful watching someone eat so much it feels terrible discussing it with them.
Your not alone or wrong, he needs to deal with it as an addiction.
Pp's are going to turn it on you.

EileenGC · 12/02/2021 21:12

Does he also eat other things, OP? Will he eat things you cook, does he eat salads and fruit on the side?

I openly admit I eat chocolate cereal almost every day, and I'm currently enjoying my second tub of Pringles since yesterday's shopping trip. Yes, they're not really healthy, but this is not all I eat. I have a very balanced diet, but I also eat crisps and sweets most days. On top of a lot of veg, fruit and homemade meals.

What kind of takeaways does he have - Pizza Hut or McDonald's every day is not great. Ordering Vietnamese or Italian (from most restaurants that use natural ingredients, not flavour enhancers) is very similar to cooking the same dish at home. Just more expensive.

Aquamarine1029 · 12/02/2021 21:13

46 and in this poor shape? Having children with him would be madness, and staying with him is dooming your life to be his carer due to his lifestyle choices. I would find his total lack of care regarding his health and your future a deal breaker.

AnneLovesGilbert · 12/02/2021 21:15

How long have you been together and how long has he been like this? You sound like you’ve made changes - quitting smoking, cutting out sugar - but have you done this since you’ve been together, so you’ve changed but he hasn’t?

Why are you taking him to the dentist? His teeth, he sorts any help he needs?

You did mention leaving him in your opening post. You can leave him if you want to, he’s not going to change unless he has to or chooses to but he’s not going to do it because you’re counting his biscuit or takeaway intake.

A large part of what makes DH attractive is how he takes care of himself and I’d find it really hard if he was self harming with food like this so I do sympathise. But I expect he’s feeling controlled and shamed by your questions and comments and it’s making him defensive and even less likely to make healthier choices.

dudsville · 12/02/2021 21:15

OP, you're quite right that his diet is awful. A takeaway most days with sweets and sugary drinks is not at all healthy senses he'll be feeling worse for it emotionally and physically. BUT what can you do with an adult? Sure there may be issues underpinning this, but he has to want to address those. You telling him to stop may be playing in to some low self esteem (if he perceives you as critical) or defiant (if he perceives you as comforting), etc, etc. Perhaps focus your attention on the relationship, or the bigger picture, and try to engage him that way.

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