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AIBU?

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Original poster

I can’t watch you self destruct... I have to say something

88 replies

WhoMe23 · 12/02/2021 19:55

My bf eats lots of unhealthy food, lots of takeaway food, sweets, fizzy pop etc. I used to have a sweet tooth but managed to change this a few years back when I quit smoking. I’m not saying I eat no junk but it’s very limited. I try really hard to eat well even more so now with the pandemic. My bf continues to eat crap and bring chocolate etc into the house. He has lots of dental issues. I keep reminding him not to eat so much sweet things and remind him that he already had takeaway today so please don’t have another one but he does as he pleases. It’s like he just ignores me. I had to take him to have a tooth procedure done the other week and I’m fed up of taking him to the dentist. Should I just leave him to it or continue to try and encourage him to have a better diet.
I really don’t want anything major to happen to him so I really can’t help but remind him about eating well. It’s annoying me. He’s a big guy and getting bigger. It’s pissing me off.

OP posts:
Ahmnotacat · 12/02/2021 22:20

Honestly it just sounds like you don't like him very much.

I have loved ones who are pretty unhealthy but I actually couldn't talk about them in the harsh, disgusted way you're talking about your DP.

Are they self destructing themselves in front of you?

Yes, absolutely. It's deeply upsetting. I wish that I could find a way for them to change.

But I still don't talk about them like they are revolting and disgusting and stupid.

Pastnowfuture · 12/02/2021 22:22

Ask him to take the Gretchen Reuben Quiz- the 4 tendencies. This will tell you how he responds to inner and outer expectations. You can then see strategies for how to approach the problem.

It's not some deep and meaningful psychological test but gives a bit of helpful insight into how differently people respond to requests and targets.

I'm an obliger so I need someone to hold me accoutable, you sound like an upholder so you hold yourself accountable and therefore find it easier to stick to the rules than others would.

On a more serious note it's lovely that you want the best for him. You can help him change but you can't make him change and if his behaviour is a dealbreaker then it might be the end of the road for the relationship.

Inkpaperstars · 12/02/2021 22:37

It’s true you can’t necessarily make people change, but you can give it a bloody good go and sometimes it works. You need to let him know that you are serious about this and that you need him to change his attitudes and behaviour if you are going to continue in the relationship. Don’t present it as judging or leaving as a punishment, present it as you wanting him to be around and not wanting to watch someone you love self destruct. Also focus more on his health and the effects of the eating habits than just the habits in themselves.

I have self destructive eating issues myself so I know how hard it is, or can be for some people, and he might need a lot of non judgmental help. So make it clear that you can try to give that or help him access it. It won’t be easy but a big scare might help him to start making the changes, so try and get him to go for a full health assessment and to understand that you are serious about this.

o8O8O8o · 12/02/2021 22:38

He doesn't sound like good father material

Umakomp · 12/02/2021 22:39

Watch supersize vs super skinny with him, show him the damage he’s doing to himself

C130 · 12/02/2021 22:40

@Ahmnotacat

Honestly it just sounds like you don't like him very much.

I have loved ones who are pretty unhealthy but I actually couldn't talk about them in the harsh, disgusted way you're talking about your DP.

Are they self destructing themselves in front of you?

Yes, absolutely. It's deeply upsetting. I wish that I could find a way for them to change.

But I still don't talk about them like they are revolting and disgusting and stupid.

You are not married to them though are you? You would most likely feel a lot differently if you were. Where has your last sentence come from? I did not see those words mentioned by the OP.
Potentialscrooge · 12/02/2021 22:42

Are you his mother? Confused

NoSquirrels · 12/02/2021 22:46

He’s 46?

How old are you, if you want to start a family with him?

o8O8O8o · 12/02/2021 22:52

I wouldn't have a baby with him he's not going to have very good quality sperm is he 😶

DoItAfraid · 12/02/2021 22:56

Take him to the GP for a wellness check. It's much better coming from a GP in my experience - it caused my husband to wake up and he is now in overeaters anonymous. Anything I said fell on deaf ears but the GP read him the riot act (in a professional way) and basically told him that he might not see 50 if he carried on. My DH needed to hear it from someone else in strong terms. Good luck.

rawalpindithelabrador · 12/02/2021 22:58

Do NOT have a baby with him. You can't change him. He's a grown up. Accept this is how he is or leave him.

LunaHeather · 12/02/2021 23:02

I was also surprised by the baby thing because he's 46 and many wouldn't want to be raising teens in what would hopefully be retirement years.

I don't think any of this is about his eating habits, which are his business.

o8O8O8o · 12/02/2021 23:07

he's 46 and many wouldn't want to be raising teens in what would hopefully be retirement years
my guess is he will make sure he eats his way into health problems which ensure he is unable to do much in the way of raising any children
all he will provide is the 'stud' service and he's not exactly young and fresh in that respect is he

Emeraldshamrock · 12/02/2021 23:11

I don't think any of this is about his eating habits, which are his business
So if someone you love is killing themself slowly it is their business or is this reserved for obesity?
OP if at 46 he needs a hand hold to look after his teeth and isn't changing diet you've no DC don't waste anymore time on him.

LunaHeather · 12/02/2021 23:12

"my guess is he will make sure he eats his way into health problems which ensure he is unable to do much in the way of raising any children"

I doubt that anyone would try to sabotage their health to avoid parenting Confused

We don't even know if he wants children. Tbh if he's not had them by 46,
I'd think he doesn't.

LunaHeather · 12/02/2021 23:16

Emerald I think an adult makes choices and it's not up to others to interfere. If OP wants to leave, that is her choice. She says she "reminds" him about his health. I get very annoyed when mum does that to me. I can't imagine a partner would annoy me less.

My dad's best mate used to drink and smoke loads. Neither his wife nor my dad ever said anything. His choice.

Heyahun · 12/02/2021 23:34

First of all why do you have to take an adult man to the dentist? Can’t he go himself

Secondly it’s horrible to watch someone live like this - it’s not your job to fix him and you nagging him won’t help - he’d have to do it for himself.

I personally don’t know how long I could put up with this for

NiceGerbil · 12/02/2021 23:37

How old are you op?

How long have you been together?

It's an addiction. People can only stop when they want to stop. There's a fine line between encouragement and well. Making them feel shit so they turn to their crutch.

This is quite personal for me. DH is lovely and I love him. We have two great kids and are happy. I worry about his health. I know he does too. So we keep trying.

In your situation OP you sound like you're taking all the responsibility, like you're his mum. That's not right.

What conversations, I mean proper conversations have you had with him about his health, his teeth, his failing to even try to look after himself.

Emeraldshamrock · 12/02/2021 23:37

OP isn't married in a marriage or relationship with DC.
I think in that situation you have a right to interfere and talk about his untimely death plan.
If he was destroying himself with drink or drugs do you turn a blind eye.
I have said it to DP his portions are ridiculous they would feed me & the DC for 2 days. He is on a diet now 6ft2 19 stone.

CSIblonde · 12/02/2021 23:49

If he's getting bigger that's not good, at his age. Is it boredom eating and/or habit? Or is it an emotional void he's trying to fill. Unless he realises how unhealthy it is & wants to try, healthier eating isn't going to happen. Would he rethink if you said the weight was a physical turn off?

NiceGerbil · 12/02/2021 23:56

'OP isn't married in a marriage or relationship with DC.
I think in that situation you have a right to interfere and talk about his untimely death plan.
If he was destroying himself with drink or drugs do you turn a blind eye.'

I don't agree.

They don't have kids so it's easier to split up.

If she's making appointments for him and taking them to him and having to say this and that about his eating, and his BMI is very high and getting worse. Then breaking up seems like the obvious thing to do.

You can't change people. OP has tried and failed. He's not interested in helping himself. No kids.

OP I think really you need to call it a day. What are you getting out of this relationship, he sounds like a teen and you're playing mum.

I mean he's 46. After 40 it gets serious- harder to sort, damage really being done.

NiceGerbil · 12/02/2021 23:57

'Would he rethink if you said the weight was a physical turn off?'

What an awful thing to say :/

If anything is going to make you turn to your crutch it's that.

TheSparkleJar · 13/02/2021 00:25

Chocolate and biscuits are perfectly normal things, OP.

You didn't read the part where he's ordering two takeaways in the same day?

AStudyinPink · 13/02/2021 07:01

TheSparkleJar

I did, but the tone of the OP towards ‘unhealthy’ food here is a bit unhealthy in itself.

Snog · 13/02/2021 07:17

There are reasons why your partner is behaving like this. He either doesn't know how to change or doesn't feel able to. Your nagging him is counterproductive. It would be better if you could try to understand things from his point of view. He probably needs counselling to help him make changes to his diet and he may or may not be ready for this.
Sometimes it takes a wake up call. My DH was told he had pre-diabetes and offered a support programme by his GP and he has engaged with this with a lot of success.