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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I can’t watch you self destruct... I have to say something

88 replies

WhoMe23 · 12/02/2021 19:55

My bf eats lots of unhealthy food, lots of takeaway food, sweets, fizzy pop etc. I used to have a sweet tooth but managed to change this a few years back when I quit smoking. I’m not saying I eat no junk but it’s very limited. I try really hard to eat well even more so now with the pandemic. My bf continues to eat crap and bring chocolate etc into the house. He has lots of dental issues. I keep reminding him not to eat so much sweet things and remind him that he already had takeaway today so please don’t have another one but he does as he pleases. It’s like he just ignores me. I had to take him to have a tooth procedure done the other week and I’m fed up of taking him to the dentist. Should I just leave him to it or continue to try and encourage him to have a better diet.
I really don’t want anything major to happen to him so I really can’t help but remind him about eating well. It’s annoying me. He’s a big guy and getting bigger. It’s pissing me off.

OP posts:

ScrapThatThen · 12/02/2021 21:15

It's not a lifestyle that you want, and that's reasonable. You will drift apart and have nothing in common if his eating disgusts you. Tell him that you draw the line at rotten teeth, morbid obesity and more than one takeaway a week. That you can't sign up for in sickness or in health if he's going to eat himself into a coffin.

Emeraldshamrock · 12/02/2021 21:16

Depends what the takeaway is, how unhealthy it is
Is there any healthy takeaway you can eat every night.

Depends how much exercise he does as well.
Not much by the sound of it.

How overweight is he?
AFAIK Op said he was in OP.

In the 70s and 80s people consumed way more calories and there was loads of shit food. They expended more energy in day to day life
No they didn't I was born in 1980 never had McDonald's till the 90's we never had takeaway or access sweets unless it was a special occasion.
People were much slimmer.

LunaHeather · 12/02/2021 21:18

Why do you have to take him to the dentist?

Does he want children, it sounds like you do...

Original poster

WhoMe23 · 12/02/2021 21:20

Kfc, mcds domino’s. Anything he fancies he has. Cakes, fizzy pop. Then he will buy me cakes etc and says I’m ungrateful if I say I don’t want it. He is quite active and does a physical job. He doesn’t nauseate me but the food he eat does! Forgot to mention the fry ups he has. It’s a joke now. He laughs when I joke about it being heart attack food

OP posts:

Original poster

WhoMe23 · 12/02/2021 21:22

I take him to the dentist because he’s a baby and needs extractions and fillings. Some of the extractions have been via sedation so he can’t drive there. I take him to some of his other dental appointments because he gets nervous! I’ve told him if he needs anymore sedation I’m not going cos I’ve told him to cut the sweets out.

OP posts:

Fluffycloudland77 · 12/02/2021 21:25

Sounds grim. He won’t be around for long eating like that.

Marry him and pocket the life cover 😀

LunaHeather · 12/02/2021 21:25

@WhoMe23

What is good about him?

Unless you like being with a manchild.

If you have children with him, don't say we didn't warn you.

Karmakarmachameleon · 12/02/2021 21:27

At 6ft and 19 stone he has a BMI of 36. That’s pretty seriously obese.

Of course having a takeaway every day (and more than one some days) along with multiple sweet treats is not normal or healthy, especially not when you have a BMI of 36 and dental problems. I don’t think people should seek to normalise that.

Can you suggest he sees his GP? Or joins Overeaters Anonymous? Watching someone you love harm themselves in this way must be very difficult for you OP.

AnneLovesGilbert · 12/02/2021 21:28

You sound like you’ve detached from him and now resent and possibly despise him. On that basis alone it’s probably time to leave him.

EileenGC · 12/02/2021 21:28

I take him to the dentist because he’s a baby

I wouldn't care much about what he eats then, because I couldn't be with an adult baby. He needs to grow up, what is he, 2 years old?

And this is even worse: Anything he fancies he has

What would happen if he wanted something (food or non-food related) and he couldn't get it? Would he act like a grown up or would he throw a tantrum because mummy won't buy him the new shiny toy?

Karmakarmachameleon · 12/02/2021 21:30

Maybe my tolerance of junk food is very out of sync to everyone else’s. I just think having a takeaway most days is unhealthy.

No, your tolerance really isn’t out of sync.

ktp100 · 12/02/2021 21:38

Of course eating takeaways every days is unhealthy & I get where you're coming from but he's an adult and you can't force him to change.

He may choose to live like this forever and if it's an issue for you maybe you should think about ending the relationship.

TatianaBis · 12/02/2021 21:45

He’s obese and if he carries on like this he will eat himself to death.

I would get out while you can. Until he’s ready to address it nothing can be done.

Ahmnotacat · 12/02/2021 21:45

Honestly it just sounds like you don't like him very much.

I have loved ones who are pretty unhealthy but I actually couldn't talk about them in the harsh, disgusted way you're talking about your DP.

TatianaBis · 12/02/2021 21:50

@Ahmnotacat

Honestly it just sounds like you don't like him very much.

I have loved ones who are pretty unhealthy but I actually couldn't talk about them in the harsh, disgusted way you're talking about your DP.

Are they self destructing themselves in front of you?

NanuNanuM · 12/02/2021 21:50

Our Dr's do a well person clinic - blood pressure, diabetes checks, cholesterol check, weigh in. And these are still running during covid.

Would he attend something like that? Often people pay attention to someone not emotionally invested in them.

1Morewineplease · 12/02/2021 21:56

You're clearly fed up with his eating choices. If he's always been like this then I think you need to think about either accepting that his choices aren't compatible with your's or to walk away.

You sound like you're fed up with his choices. I suspect that he's fed up with your choices.

Eckhart · 12/02/2021 21:59

@Oysterbabe

You can't make him change, he's an adult who can eat whatever he wants. You have to just decide whether you can get past it and if not leave.

This. 100 times this. You'll do your own head in if you keep on the path you're on. Accept him as he is, or move on. Don't love him for who he might be in 5 years if you push him hard enough. He's not your possession to fix. It doesn't even sound like he agrees with you about the goal you want him to reach, and many who do have trouble sticking to it.

NiceGerbil · 12/02/2021 22:05

'He’s 46 and 19 stone. 6ft tall'

Mine is same but 42.

It is a massive worry.

His whole family are large and have a dodgy relationship with food. He hides it etc.

I don't know what to do tbh, it's shit.

It's like smoking or drinking too much. Addiction, habit, comfort. On the other side, excessive exercise and eating issues relating to depriving yourself.

It's not easy OP.

I would say though that DH does try.

I don't get why he needs food as a crutch but then I have my own crutches.

iljatdip · 12/02/2021 22:05

This is very harsh. Some people have very serious phobias and anxiety surrounding dental procedures. If you've never experienced this yourself then you are very lucky indeed.
If he requires sedation (which is probably a result of his fears) he has to have someone accompany him otherwise they won't sedate him.
I think it's awful to call him a baby over something which is in fact a mental health issue - it's a specific phobia.

However, that said..... I can see why the dentist issue is pissing you off as he is going for procedures repeatedly yet doesn't seem to be making any effort to improve the dietary situation which would lead to an improvement in dental health.

The thing is he doesn't want to change or isn't able to change. To change who would need a lot of support and would need medical help from a GP.
The question is do you love him enough and want to be with him enough to go through this with him IF he was willing to change? It doesn't sound like you do the way you are talking about him and the sedation business at the dentist.
It doesn't sound like he wants to change either so you'd be banging your head up against a brick wall there too.

Maybe it's time to leave him and move on.

GoLightlyontheEarth · 12/02/2021 22:05

His diet sounds absolutely awful. He’s not going to change. Leave him before he dies young and leaves you bereft.

Sapho47 · 12/02/2021 22:06

@AStudyinPink

It’s not great, but it’s his body. You can’t complain about him bringing chocolate into his own home - it’s not crack.

Most eating issues come from poor self-esteem, anxiety, boredom etc. This year has been hard for everyone on these fronts.

Plus your partner constantly nagging you about your eating has to add a lot of stress pressure and lower your self esteem further

NiceGerbil · 12/02/2021 22:09

The dentist thing plus the food thing (2 takeaways a day is obviously too much and£££)

Sounds to me like he's stuck in teen mode.

You have to take him to the dentist
You have to tell him off for spunking money on takeaways
He isn't trying at all

Sorting out unhealthy eating is ??? I'm not sure how. But DH is trying.

Yours isn't trying and you've taken the mum role. That's not good at all.

NiceGerbil · 12/02/2021 22:11

To the pp what takeaways are even healthy

Sushi
Stuff from the new vegetarian restaurant up the road
Our local Turkish does delicious veg dishes.
Etc etc.

And for calories over the decades try Google.

Original poster

WhoMe23 · 12/02/2021 22:15

I don’t nag I just remind him to be healthy. I don’t see there’s anything wrong with that. If I was drinking alcohol all day I’m sure he would encourage me not to. I can’t say nothing... because I care. People who care try to help. It might come across wrong on here but if I wanted him to die young I’d tell him to go ahead and eat shit all day everyday.

OP posts:

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